Romeo and Juliet, Hogwarts Style

THE GREAT HALL

The Fat Friar is wondering lost in thoughts, to him Harry.

HARRY

Good morrow, father.

FAT FRIAR

Benedicite.

HARRY

Huh?

FAT FRIAR

Bless you, son. What art thou doing up so early?

HARRY

Er... I actually...

FAT FRIAR

Ah. I was wrong, but now I hit it right

Our Harry hath not been in bed tonight.

HARRY

Yep. *sighs happily*

FAT FRIAR

God pardon sin! Wast thou with Cho Chang?

HARRY

With Cho Chang? My ghostly father, no.

FAT FRIAR

That's my good son. But where hast thou been, then?

HARRY

I have been feasting with mine enemy

When on a sudden a boy hath wounded me

That's by me wounded. Both our remedies

Within thy help and holy penguins lies...

FAT FRIAR

Penguins?

HARRY

Sorry, I had to put penguins in a fair bit to get that pointy brat to listen to me, but...

FAT FRIAR

Pointy brat? Hast thou forgotten Cho so easily?

HARRY

Yeah, well, I suppose it was boys all the way even before.

But this I pray

That thou consent to marry us today.

FAT FRIAR

Holy Great Merlin! What a change is here!

That Cho Chang that thou dist love so dear

So soon forsaken? Now thou boys dost love?

And art thou changed? Wast thou false before?

Art thou false now? Wilt thou marry a boy?

Wast poor Cho Chang nothing but a toy?

HARRY

WILT THOU STOP WITH ALL OF THIS CHO RUBBISH? She cried at me all the time while my pointy boy sneers, snarks and blabs of penguins. I know true love when I see it. And so do my wobbly bits. Humph.

FAT FRIAR

*soothing* Tell'st me all, then, young Harry. Come... (exeunt)

Enter Hermione and Ron

HERMIONE

Were the devil should our Harry be? Came he not in the dorm room tonight?

RON

Nope. Zabini hath sent a letter.

HERMIONE

A challenge, on my life.

RON

Harry will answer it.

HERMIONE

Alas, poor Harry, he's already dead: stabbed with a she-seeker's black eye, the very pin of his heart cleft with the blind boy's butt-shaft...

RON

What's with you and arses, 'Mione?

HERMIONE

Oh God, give me patience! A butt-shaft is an arrow to shoot at targets which art called butts. Nothing to do with arses as such, Ron!

RON

Oh, sorry. Dost go on, then.

HERMIONE

And is he a man to encounter Zabini?

RON

'Course he is! He almost offed Voldemort!

HERMIONE

Yes, well, but Zabini is a very King o' Cats! Even Crookshanks avoids him like the plague. He's a duellist! You know...

RON

No, I don't. He's a bloody Death Eater in training, that's what he is!

HERMIONE

Exactly. He's well versed in the Dark Arts! Ah, the immortal Crucio, the Calcitro Genitalia, the Buggeratus!

RON

How come you know all those Dark spells?

HERMIONE

Oh... Ah... I... I study. A lot. Yes, that's it. I study Dark Hexes so we can counter them. Yes.

RON

Here comes Harry! Here comes Harry!

HERMIONE

(aside) Whew. And not a second too late. (to Harry) Harry! Were have you been? You gave us the counterfeit fairly last night.

RON

Is the 'feit' a Dark Jinx?

HARRY

What the...? Oh, never mind. What counterfeit did I give you?

HERMIONE

The slip, Harry, the slip. Can you not conceive?

HARRY

Oh God, not you too! What's this sudden fixation on MPREG? I WILL NOT BEAR ANYONE'S CHILDREN! IS THAT CLEAR!?

HERMIONE

Good heavens, Harry, dost learn to control thy mood swings. I was only punning.

HARRY

Sorry. I was thinking of something else. Let's pun by all means.

HERMIONE

On second thoughts let's not. A punning dialogue can be awfully dreary.

HARRY

And one never gets the point.

HERMIONE

But we may get points by studying hard.

RON

There's nothing more hard than studying, good Hermione.

HARRY

And if we don't there will be points taken.

HERMIONE

Which will be just as hard to countenance.

RON

My countenance is hard enough as it is: watch me scowl.

HARRY

DON'T YOU DARE STEAL MY SCOWLTM RON! MINE IS THE SCOWL OF SUFFERING THINGS YOU CAN'T EVEN CONCEIVE OF!

HERMIONE

Oh thank goodness, now art thou the Harry we know and love! Now art thou what thou art, a grumpy socially impaired hero! Now thou art what thou art by art as well as by Nature...

RON

Stop there! Stop there!

HARRY

Thanks, Ron. Sorry about the capslock.

RON

Oh, well. Thou art Harry, after all.

Enter Snape with his man Peter

SNAPE

Peter!

PETER

Anon.

SNAPE

*glacial* I am getting tired of all this anons.

PETER

I meant, what can I do for you?

SNAPE

Better. Give me my Death Eater mask.

HERMIONE

Good Peter, to hide his face, for his mask is the fairer face.

RON

*mutters* Greasy-haired git.

SNAPE

Good ye good morrow, children.

HERMIONE

Good ye good e'en, fair Professor.

RON

(aside to Harry) 'Fair'? Ha! Fair to his favourites, she means.

SNAPE

Is it e'en? Studying has been addling your wits, Miss Granger. Ten points from Gryffindor for not knowing the time.

RON

(aside to Harry) See? See? Greasy-haired git.

HERMIONE

But I do know the time, professor. Look, the bawdy hand of time is now upon the prick of noon.

SNAPE

MISS GRANGER!

HERMIONE

Everybody underestimates me. I do possess a wit.

SNAPE

What you do possess, Miss Granger, is a mind like a sewer. Now piss off, the two of you, I need to have a word with Potter.

HARRY

Go, please, I will follow you.

HERMIONE

But Harry...!

Ron grabs Hermione and drags her away.

SNAPE

What's got into Granger, Potter?

HARRY

No idea. The fact is she doth love to hear herself talk and will speak more in a minute than she will stand to in a month.

SNAPE

If she speaks anything against me I'll send Gryffindor into negative points. And you, sirrah, what were you doing standing like a lump when she was coarse at me? And thou must stand by too and suffer every student to use me at her pleasure?

PETER

I saw no man use you at his pleasure; if I had my wand should quickly have been out. But it was a woman, nay a wenchlet that used you thus unkindly and the law will not allow me to hex her.

SNAPE

Now, afore Merlin I am so vexed that every part of me quivers. Scurvy rat Wormtail! Wait until I tell our Lord you cringed from duty thus! Ahem. Potter, my young dragon bid me enquire you out. But first let me tell ye, if ye should lead him in a fool's paradise, as they say, it were a very gross kind of behaviour, as they say; for the gentleman is young.

HARRY

Professor, commend me to thy student and godson. I protest unto thee...

SNAPE

I will tell him as much. Merlin, but he'll have one of his murderous tantrums!

HARRY

*scared* What wilt thou tell him, Professor? Thou dost not mark me.

SNAPE

I will tell him, Potter, that you do protest. It will be more than enough.

HARRY

No, pray! Bid him to come to the Room of Requirement this afternoon and there he'll be married.

SNAPE

Married, Potter?

HARRY

Tell him I swear it on penguins.

SNAPE

Oh, very well, he'll be there. You know, no matter how I exalt the Dark Lord to him, he'd as life see a toad, a very toad, as see him. I anger him sometimes and tell him that Voldemort is the properer man, but I warrant you, when I say so he looks as pale as any clout in the versal world....

HARRY

Huh?

SNAPE

As any cloth in the universe. What my Draco sees in thee, thou thick-headed buffoon, I'll never understand. But enough of prattling with a prat. He'll be there this afternoon. Peter!

PETER

Ano... (is stopped by Snape's Glare of CrucioTM) Yes, sir?

SNAPE

Before, and apace.

They storm out.

SLYTHERIN DORM

DRACO

Why is not Severus back yet? Breakfast hath been over for ages! I am NOT a patient person, he should know this well. Yet he tarries Merlin knows where with that disgusting Wormtail doing Merlin knows what... Ugh, I could have done without that image. Ugh ugh ugh. Ah, here he comes!

Severus! Oh honey Severus, what news?

Hast thou met him? Send that rat away!

SNAPE

Sod off, Peter.

Peter sods off.

DRACO

Now good sweet Snape... Oh Lord, why look'st thou so sad?

Though news be sad, yet tell them merrily,

If good, thou sham'st the music of sweet news

By playing it to me with so sour a face.

SNAPE

I am aweary, give me leave awhile.

Fie how my bones ache!

DRACO

I would thou hast my bones and I thy news!

SNAPE

Jesu what haste! Canst thou not stay awhile?

DRACO

NO!

SNAPE

Lord, how my head aches! What a head have I!

It beats as it would fall in twenty pieces.

DRACO

That can be arranged.

SNAPE

My back, o' the other side... ah, my back, my back!

Beshrew your heart for sending me about

And disrespecting me, see if I tell you aught.

DRACO

Tell me what Harry said!

SNAPE

Your love says, like a honest gentleman,

And a courteous, and a kind, and a handsome,

And I warrant a virtuous... Where is your mother?

DRACO

'Where is my mother'? Has he gone quite mental?

'Your love says like a honest gentleman

"Where is your mother"!?'

SNAPE

Oh poor Draco dear! Are you so hot?

Henceforward do your messages yourself.

DRACO

WHAT THE DEVIL DID HARRY SAY!? STOP TORTURING ME YOU INSUFFERABLE SADIST!

SNAPE

I am a Death Eater, my poppet. And you forgot the magic word to power the spell.

DRACO

*mutters* Insufferably smug sadist... *sighs* Very well. Please, kind Severus, please tell me what my Harry said. PLEASE, ALRIGHT?

SNAPE

Go to the Room of Requirement. There stays a husband to make you a... another husband, I suppose.

DRACO

Really?

SNAPE

He swore on penguins.

DRACO

Penguins! Oh, then I fly! (impetuously hugs and kisses Snape) Sweet, sweet Severus, farewell! (runs off)

SNAPE

My poppet is an engaging scamp and that sodding Boy Who Got All The Perks is one lucky bastard. (pause) This OOCness is killing me! Oh my head!

ROOM OF REQUIREMENT

HARRY

(yawns)

FAT FRIAR

(unheeding) ... Long love doth so.

Too swift arrives as tardy as too slow.

HARRY

What?

FAT FRIAR

Oh, never mind.

Here comes the young man, oh so light a foot

Will ne'er wear out the everlasting flint...

HARRY

Flint? He's STILL here? Will that wretch NEVER finish school?

FAT FRIAR

I was alluding to the floor, young Harry.

HARRY

Sorry, I was enraptured by the sight of my pointy love.

DRACO

Good even to my ghostly confessor.

FAT FRIAR

Harry shall thank thee, my son, for us both.

DRACO

As much to him else is his thanks too much.

HARRY

Ah, Draco, if the measure of thy joy

Be heap'd like mine, and that thy skill be more

To blazon it, then sweeten with thy breath

The neighbour air and let rich music's tongue

Unfold the imagin'd happiness that both

Receive in either by this dear encounter.

DRACO

*puzzled* You want me to sing?

HARRY

Um... no? That was poetic imagery.

DRACO

(narrows eyes) Art thou implying I can not sing?

HARRY

I'm sure thou art more melodious than a dying swan.

DRACO

Alright then.

Conceit more rich in matter than in words

Brings of his substance, not of ornament.

They are but Weasleys that can count their worth,

But my true love is grown to such excess

It's even richer than all the Malfoy wealth

Which can't be counted in less than a year.

My love so far surpasseth all on Earth

That even much-loved penguins will envy thee.

HARRY

Thou lov'st me more than penguins? Oh Draco!

They snog passionately

FAT FRIAR

Ahem.

Come, come with me and we will make short work

For, by your leaves, you shall not stay alone

Till holy magic incorp'rate two in one.

End of ACT II