Romeo and Juliet, Hogwarts Style

ROMEO AND JULIET, HOGWARTS STYLE

ACT III

THE ENTRANCE HALL

RON

I pray thee, good Hermione, let's retire;

The day is hot, the Slythers are abroad

And if we meet, we shall not 'scape a brawl

For now these hot day is the mad blood stirring.

HERMIONE

Thou art like one of those fellows that, when he enters the confines of a classroom, claps me his wand upon the desk and says: "Merlin send me no need of thee!" and then, by the operation of the second point taken, draws upon his classmate when indeed there is no need.

RON

Am I like such a fellow? Thou mistakest me for the Twins, I'faith!

HERMIONE

Nay, thou art as hot a Gryff in thy mood as any fellow in Hogwarts. Thou wouldst rather be quarrelling than reading Hogwarts, a History; thou wouldst rather be dodging bludgers than spend time in the Library! And yet thou wilt tutor me from quarrelling.

RON

At least I don't scar people for life.

HERMIONE

What? How durst thee ejaculate such things to me?

RON

(aside) Were that I could ejaculate more than words into thee! But alas, I must forever be mute. (to Hermione) An I were so apt to quarrel as thou art... By my head, here come the Slytherins!

HERMIONE

By my sweet Fanny I care not.

Enter Zabini, Parkinson and Bulstrode

BLAISE

Follow me close, for I will speak to them.

Gryffindors good e'en, a word with one of you.

HERMIONE

And but one word with one of us? Couple it with something, make it a word and a swish.

BLAISE

Art thou insinuating I swish?

HERMIONE

Ay, good King o' Cats, and more than thy wand, I'd wager. Thou art as swishy as a prettily swishing thing.

BLAISE

(aside to Pansy) Oh that I were not so taken with my purpose and could cut that insolent tongue! (to Hermione) Mudblood, thou consortest with Harry Potter.

RON

Grrrr...!

HERMIONE

Consort? What, dost thou make us minstrels? And thou make minstrels of us, look to hear nothing but discord! Here's my fiddlestick (produces wand), here that shall make you dance! Tarantellallegra! (muttering) Zounds! 'Mudblood'!

Blaise dances gracefully.

RON

We talk here in the public hall of school

Either withdraw unto some private place

Or reason coldly of your grievances

Or else depart. Here all eyes gaze on us.

HERMIONE

Men's eyes were made to look and let them gaze

I will not budge for no man's pleasure, I.

Enter Harry. Looks in horror at Blaise dancing and performs a quick Finite.

BLAISE

Potter, the love I bear thee can afford

No better term than this: thou art a villain.

HARRY

O Blaise, the reason that I have to love thee

Doth much excuse the appertaining rage

To such a greeting: villain am I none

Therefore farewell. I see thou knowest me not.

HERMIONE

Oh, calm, dishonourable, vile submission!

A swish-and-flick carries it away!

Zabini, you Mrs Morris, will you walk?

BLAISE

What wouldst thou have with me?

HERMIONE

Good King of Cats nothing but one of your nine lives. Will you pluck your wand out of your sleeve? Make haste, lest mine be about your wobblies ere it be out. (draws)

BLAISE

I am for you. (draws)

HARRY

Gentle Hermione, put your wand up!

HERMIONE

Not on your life, he called me a Mudblood!

HARRY

Come, Ron, draw and shout Expelliarmus! Hermione, Blaise, for shame, forbear this outrage! Come, Ron! I taught you that spell in the DA!

Blaise, Hermione! The Headmaster expressly hath

Forbid this bandying in Hogwarts' Hallowed Halls!

Hold Blaise! Good Hermione!

HERMIONE

AAAAAAGH!

PANSY

Away, Blaise!

HERMIONE

I am hurt.

A plague on both your houses, I am sped!

RON

What? Art thou hurt?

HERMIONE

Art thou an imbecile? Of course I'm hurt! Go, cretin! Fetch Madame Pomfrey!

HARRY

Courage, Witch, the hurt cannot be much.

HERMIONE

God but thou art oblivious, Harry! No, 'tis not deep as a well nor so wide as a church door, but 'tis enough, 'twill serve. Ask for me tomorrow and you shall find me a grave woman. A plague on both your houses! Why the devil came you between us? I was hurt under your arm!

HARRY

I thought it for the best.

HERMIONE

You thought? Whenever has thou taken a moment to think, Harry? A plague on both houses! A plague on all houses in Hogwarts! Yea, even unto the cannon-fodder house and the impotent house! A PLAGUE ON ALL HOUSES SAYS I! (hexes everything in sight)

Cries and diverse alarums from several students

RON

(ducking hexes)

Sweet Hermione, careful were thou pointest that thing!

HERMIONE

A PLAGUE ON BOTH YOUR HOUSES!

RANDOM HUFFLEPUFFS

AAAAAAAGH!

RANDOM GRYFFINDORS

GAAAAH!

HARRY

(ducking hexes)

Blaise! Thou hast killed Hermione!

BLAISE

(ducking hexes)

I WISH I HAD! WHY CAN'T SHE STAY KILLED?

HERMIONE

And a plague on House Gryffindor! An a plague on House Slytherin! And a plague on House Hufflepuff! And a plague on House Ravenclaw, the stuck-up bastards!

RANDOM RAVENCLAW

EEEEEEEK!

RANDOM SLYTHERIN

Alas, for I am dead! Ripped untimely from youth, beauty and the joys of life...

RON

Slytherins! Bloody drama queens to a man! Die, already!

RANDOM SLYTHERIN

... all will shed teeeeEEEEAAAAAAGH!

HERMIONE

At last! AND A PLAGUE ON ALL YOUR FILTHY HOUSES! AND A PLAGUE...!

RON

(ducking hexes like mad)

MAKE HER STOP! MAKE HER STOP!

HARRY

(sighs)

Expelliarmus!

HERMIONE

GAAAAH!

HARRY

Take her to Madame Pomfrey, good Ron.

Ron drags Hermione away

HARRY

This gentlewoman, the Headmaster's ally,

My very friend, hath got this mortal hurt

In my behalf - my reputation stain'd

With Blaise's slander - Blaise that just an hour

Hath been my cousin-in-law. O sweet Draco!

They beauty hath made me effeminate

And in my temper soften'd valour's steel.

I doubt I have enough of valour left

To do thee justice in the marriage bed!

RON

Oh Harry, Harry! Sweet Hermione's dead!

She was so incens'd by Blaise's underarm hit

She hexed Pomfrey and so lost her life.

HARRY

Yes, well, at least our friend hath stoppéd cursing

All of fair Hogwarts' Houses with a plague.

RON

She was my secret love! You must avenge

Her death on that bloody Death-Eater-in-training slimy Slytherin!

HARRY

Ron, thy line dost not scan.

RON

Who the hell cares about scanning! I want blood! Here comes that sodding Zabini back again!

HARRY

Away to Heaven be respective lenity

And fire-ey'd fury be my conduct now!

RON

Ah, now thou art back to thy very self! Kill the bastard!

HARRY

AVADA KEDAVRA!

BLAISE

Urgle. (dies)

RON

Harry! Away! Be gone!

The students are all up and Blaise be slain!

HARRY

A little consistency would not be too much to ask, methinks. First thou wantest me to kill the bastard and now must I flee?

RON

Stand not amaz'd, Dumbly will doom thee death

If thou art taken. Hence, be gone, away!

HARRY

Oh, I am Fortune's fool. (exits)

RON

(rubbing his hands)

That's both eliminated from my life, then, Maybe I can get some peace and quiet now. I had it up to here with being nagged to death and treated like some sort of minion. 'Ron So Pathetic'! Ha! That's shown them how pathetic I am!