Romeo and Juliet, Hogwarts Style

ACT II

B. BARON

Now old desire doth on his deathbed lie

And young affection gapes to be his heir:

The fair, for which love groaned and would not die,

With pointy Draco match'd is now not fair.

Now fickle Harry spurns gels for a guy

With silver eyes, dry wit and shiny hair.

Being held a foe he may not have access

To breath such vows as lovers use to swear

Draco, as much in love, his means much less

To meet his new beloved anywhere;

But passion lends them power, time means to meet

Tempering extremities with extreme sweet

And giving wings to the bright fluffy dove

Of their most famous tragic t00by love.

CORRIDOR OUTSIDE SLYTHERIN HOUSE

Harry alone

HARRY

Can I go Gryffinwards when my heart is here?

Thank Merlin I brought my Invisible Cloak with me. I must try and get into the Slytherin dorms and see my pointy love again. Oh, he is fair! And witty! And sexy! And obsessed with penguins which are almost impossible to fit into a sonnet. Woe! (dons Invisible Cloak)

Enter Ron and Hermione

RON

Harry! Harry!

HERMIONE

He's probably gone to bed.

RON

No, I saw him coming back here. What's he doing in Slytherin territory? He's mental! Call him Hermione.

HARRY

I can do better than that, you know? I could use a Conjuration spell. Evoco te in nomine Cho Changis!

RON

Nope, 's not working.

HERMIONE

It should work. Harry's in love, he's annoying enough with his sulks and sighs and what-nots, with his perennial grumpy moods and his refusing to study with the feeble excuse that he can't concentrate because his love is all beautiful and wet...

RON

And if he hear thee, thou wilt anger him.

HARRY

Well, I honestly can't see why. A conjuration in love's name is not insulting in the least, besides if he would come when one calls, we wouldn't need to conjure him like a spirit. Not that you have exactly to conjure a spirit in Hogwarts, you can simply ask a portrait to give a message to one, as one can readily apprehend by reading "Hogwarts, a History"...

RON

Yesyes. Look, one last try, alright?

HERMIONE

Oh very well.

O Harry that she were, O that she were

An open-arse and thou a poperin pear!

RON

(scandalised to the core) HERMIONE!

HERMIONE

Well, what? Harry's so gay I'm sure he'd do his Cho doggy style not to see she has tits.

RON

(through gritted teeth) Shall we go then?

HERMIONE

Might as well. For 'tis in vain

To seek him here that means not to be found. (exeunt)

HARRY

(huffs) She jests at scars that never felt a wound.

(Draco appears at a balcony magically created by Hogwarts for the occasion)

But soft! What light through yonder window breaks?

It is the east and Draco is the moon!

It is my pale boy! Oh, it is my love!

Oh that he knew he were!

DRACO

Ay me! To be so tempted by penguins in the middle of a kiss-at-the-ball scene!

HARRY

He speaks! He speaks of penguins! Woe is me!

Why must that drattèd boy be fixed on penguins?

Why can't he sigh and smile and speak of love,

But harp must he, forever, upon penguins?

Have penguins red eyes, then, that he desires?

Wilt he be Voldemort's, one of his marked slaves,

Yet kiss me and rub nose and make me love?

Malfoy, Malfoy, wherefore art thou Malfoy?

Deny thy father and refuse thy name,

Or if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love

And I'll no longer be a Gryffindor!

DRACO

(furious) THOSE WERE MY LINES!

HARRY

Oh come on! You can't moan: "Potter, Potter, wherefore art thou Potter" now, can you?

DRACO

Yeurgh.

HARRY

Exactly. Now, where was I? Ah yes.

Two of the fairest stars in all the heaven

Having some business do entreat his eyes

To twinkle in their spheres till they return.

What if his eyes were there, they in his head?

The brightness of his cheeks would shame those stars

As daylight does a lamp. His eyes in heaven

Would through the airy region stream so bright

Penguins would screech and swear it were not night.

(aside) Yes! Yes yes yes! I managed to put penguins in! (does a little dance)

DRACO

Ay me! Penguins! AND nice compliments to my eyes. How can I resist?

Must I be lost, then, to a Gryffindor?

But what's a Gryffindor? It is nor hand nor foot,

Nor arms nor face nor any other part

Belonging to a man. (leers) Oh, be some other name!

What's in a name? That which we call a penguin

By any other word would swim as sweet;

So Potter would, were he not Potter call'd

Retain that dear perfection which he owes

Without that title. Harry, doff thy name

And for thy name which is no part of thee

Take all myself.

HARRY

(fans self) WOW! HOT! Ahem.

I take thee at thy word.

Call me but love and I'll be new baptis'd.

DRACO

I thought we wizards were kind of pagans.

HARRY

MUST thou carp so?

DRACO

Actually, yes. We're OOC enough as it is. Anyway, this is Slytherin territory: it's dangerous for you here.

If they do see thee, they will murder thee.

HARRY

I have this cloak to hide me from their eyes...

DRACO

You have an Invisibility Cloak? Bastard! Where did you fond one?

HARRY

It was my father's before me, and his father's. And his father's father's. And his father's father's father's...

DRACO

Alright, I get it already! Dost thou love me?

If thou dost love, pronounce it faithfully.

Or, if thou think'st I am too quickly won,

I'll frown and be perverse and say thee nay:

It's what I do best, anyway, be warned.

HARRY

But...

DRACO

(hastily) In truth, fair Gryffindor, I am too fond

And therefore thou mayst think my haviour light,

But trust me, Harry dear, I'll prove more true

Than those that have more cunning to be strange.

HARRY

Actually you're strange and you should be cunning enough, seeing you're a Slytherin. But let it pass.

Draco, by yonder blessed moon I swear...

DRACO

Oh, do not swear by the moon, the inconstant moon!

HARRY

Will you keep interrupting me all the time?

DRACO

Yes. So?

HARRY

Just asking. What shall I swear by?

DRACO

Do not swear at all.

Or, if thou must, swear by the beak of penguins

Which are the gods of my idolatry

And I'll believe thee.

HARRY

I swear by penguins' beaks...

DRACO

Well, do not swear. Although I joy in thee

I have no joy of this contract tonight.

It is too rash, too unadvised, too sudden

Too like the lightning, ugh your scar IS ugly!

Good night, good night. As sweet repose and rest

Come to thy heart as that within my breast.

HARRY

Oh, wilt thou leave me so unsatisfied?

DRACO

What? Did thou expect to shag me at first sight?

HARRY

No, but th'exachange of thy love's vow for mine.

DRACO

Oh, that. I already gave it, didn't I? Art thou so dense, then?

SNAPE

(calls within) Draco! My dragonfluff!

DRACO

Anon, good Snape! Sweet Gryffindor be true.

SNAPE

(calls within) Anon me no anons, Draco! Come inside immediately!

DRACO

I'll be in momentarily.

Three words, dear Harry, and good night indeed.

If that thy bent of love be honourable

Thy purpose marriage, as it is decreed

By fanon law that wizards can get married

An even beget children, though both men,

And let me here tell thee with firmest purpose

I plan to marry, yea, but thou canst whistle

If thou want'st children, or bear them thee thy self...

I lost my thread, but send me word tomorrow

By one that I'll procure to send to thee,

Where and what time thou wilt perform the rite.

SNAPE

(within) DRACO!

DRACO

I come anon! But thou meanest not well

Or thinkst I will get preggers, let me beseech thee...

SNAPE

(within) DRACO MALFOY! GET THEE HERE AT ONCE!

DRACO

By and by I come! PUT A BLOODY LID ON IT!

To cease thy strife and leave me to my grief!

Salazar, it's impossible to finish a sentence here!

Tomorrow will I send.

HARRY

So thrive my soul!

DRACO

A thousand times good night.

HARRY

A thousand times the worse to want thy light.

DRACO

(goes within. Screeches offscreen) WHAT THE SODDING HELL DOST THOU WANT NOW!?

HARRY

Hark to the voice of love! He hast some nice pair of lungs on him, hast my love. Wonder if he's that loud in bed.

Love goes towards love as schoolboys from their books

Which makes Hermione give them dirty looks.

DRACO

(comes out again) Hist, Harry, hist! At what time tomorrow

Shall I send to thee?

HARRY

Just after breakfast, but before class time.

DRACO

I will not fail. Goodnight, my love, goodnight.

HARRY

Goodnight, goodnight. Parting is such sweet sorrow

That I shall say goodnight till it be morrow.