Romeo and Juliet, Hogwarts Style

ROMEO AND JULIET, HOGWARTS' STYLE

THE PROLOGUE

Eldritch smoke illuminated by eerie lights. Enter the Bloody Baron.

B. BARON

Two Houses, both alike in dignity

Inside fair Hogwarts, where we lay our scene...

Yes, yes, I know there are four, but who cares about those bookworms Ravenclaws and those canon-fodder Hufflepuffs! (titters at own jest. coughs and regains his dignity)

From ancient grudge break to new mutiny

Where schoolboy blood makes schoolboy hands unclean.

Each House bred forth a champion of its values:

Brave Gryffindors look up to dark-haired Harry,

Bold as a lion, catching the snitch for victory

While cunning Slytherins to Draco look

Their precious prince of plans, pale haired and pointy.

What trials befell those two and how it turned out

We'll now show you. Prepare to shed your tears.

ACT I

A hall in Hogwarts. Crabbe and Goyle of the House of Slytherin, to them Dean and Seamus of the House Gryffindor.

CRABBE

I can abide everything but the House of Gryffindor.

GOYLE

So can't I and if we meet them I'll show them what's what.

CRABBE

Well, here's your chance.

GOYLE

So I see, draw thy wand.

CRABBE

'Tis out. But let them begin hexing lest we lose house-points.

GOYLE

I'll smirk and sneer at them and let them take that as they will.

CRABBE

Nah. I'll thumb my nose at them, which will be a disgrace to them if they bear it. (thumbs nose)

SEAMUS

Do you thumb your nose at us, Slytherin?

CRABBE

Will I get detention if I say yes?

GOYLE

Yes.

CRABBE

Well, Gryffindor, I do not thumb my nose at you, but I do thumb my nose.

DEAN

Excavating it, more like.

GOYLE

Do you quarrel, Gryffindor?

DEAN

Quarrel? Not at all.

CRABBE

But if you do, I am for you. I study with as good a professor as you.

SEAMUS

No better?

GOYLE

Say 'better', here comes one of our best wands.

CRABBE

Yes, much better!

DEAN

You lie.

CRABBE

Draw if you be men! Gregory, remember your washing curse!

They hex like mad. Ron enters running followed by Blaise

RON

Stop fools! Put up thy wands! There's professors around!

BLAISE

What? Art thou casting among those brainless dogs?

Turn thee, Ron Weasel, and look upon your death.

RON

I do but keep the peace. Put down your wand.

BLAISE

Wand drawn and talk of peace? I hate the word

As I hate Light, all Gryffindors and thee.

Have at thee, coward!

RON

Coward? I'll show you coward, you Death Eater in Training!

The whole hall is lighted by hexes and curses. Enters Dumbledore.

DUMBLEDORE

STOP THIS AT ONCE! Stop it I say! Read my lips! Watch my eyes! Do they twinkle? No. (the fight stops) That's better. I do not want to see more fights in my school or I shall personally cast Crucio on the lot of you! Now begone!

All exeunt, grumbling.

GRYFFINDOR COMMON ROOM

MCGONAGALL

Mr Weasley, what started the fight?

RON

It was those slimy Slytherins, professor! I tried to stop the fight but bloody Zabini called me a coward so I hexed him good. Bloody Death Eater in training.

MCGONAGALL

Mr Weasley! Language!

RON

Sorry.

MCGONAGALL

I'd be thankful Harry wasn't in that fight, if I weren't so worried about him. He disappears! Stays locked in his room all day and prowls the grounds at night. He'll never become an Auror if he keeps neglecting his studies like this. Do you know what's troubling him?

RON

No, but I'll make him tell me, ma'm. I'm his best friend, he can't hide from me.

MCGONAGALL

Good boy. Now go and hound him until he spits it out.

THE QUIDDITCH PITCH

RON

Good morrow, Harry.

HARRY

Is the day so young?

RON

But now struck nine.

HARRY

Ay me, sad hours seem so long.

RON

What sadness lengthens Harry's hours? Tell me.

HARRY

Not having that which, having, makes them short.

RON

Huh?

HARRY

Not having... Oh, for goodness, sake! A girlfriend.

RON

You're in love?

HARRY

Out.

RON

You're out of love?

HARRY

Out of her favour where I am in love.

RON

Aaah! Cho's dumped you, then?

HARRY

She will not stay the siege of loving terms

Nor bid the encounter of assailing eyes

Not ope her lap to saint-seducing gold...

O, she is rich in beauty, what a crumpet!

RON

Alright, mate, listen to me, there's plenty of other fishes in the sea.

HARRY

But none as scrumptious as she.

RON

Oy! What about my sister Ginny?

HARRY

Being thy sister, she is dear to me,

But love? She can't hold a candle

To pert Cho Chang, Ravenclaw's guiding light.

RON

But Ginny loves thee madly, and she's a Gryffindor and... Oh, alright. Come on, you'll find someone that will make thee forget that haughty beauty.

HARRY

Farewell, thou canst not teach me to forget. (exits)

RON

O bloody hell.

SLYTHERIN HOUSE

SNAPE

Look, if I am to be of any use in this school I can't openly defy the Headmaster. Besides McGonagall is bound as well as I. We need to wait.

VOLDEMORT

So be it. But what say you to my suit?

SNAPE

What I've said before, Lord. Draco is a child, he's still naïve and, for all his posturing, knows nothing of the world. Wait until he's seventeen and then give him the Mark.

VOLDEMORT

Younger than he are happy Death Eaters made.

SNAPE

And too soon marr'd are those so early made.

But woo him, gentle Riddle, get his heart,

My will to his consent is but a part,

And he agreed, within his scope of choice

Lies my consent and fair according voice.

Tonight we have a party in our common room and of course you're invited. There thou shall flit like a bee from flower to flower of slytherinhood and woo my charges as thou seest fit. (summons house-elf)

Go, sirrah, trudge about,

Throughout fair Hogwarts, find these persons out

Whose names are written here, and to them say:

My House and welcome to their pleasure stay.

Snape and Voldemort exeunt.

DOBBY

I is ruined! Ruined, ruined, ruined! Poor Dobby was never taught to read by bad Malfoy masters! How is Dobby to go to persons if Dobby cannot read persons' names? Dobby must find Great Harry Potter and ask Noble Harry Potter to read names to Dobby or Dobby will be bad house elf and will have to punish himself! (pops out)

ANOTHER HALL IN HOGWARTS

RON

Harry, will you stop brooding?

HARRY

No. Brooding is my duty and pleasure.

RON Are you mad?

HARRY

Not mad but bound more than a madman is:

Shut up in prison, kept without my food,

Whipped and tormented and... Good Lord it's worse than at the Dursleys! (Dobby pops in) Dobby! What do you want?

DOBBY

Can the Great, Noble and Good Harry Potter read this for poor Dobby? Is list that bad professor Snape has made for party.

HARRY

Alright, give here. Let's see... Nott, Bulstrode, Parkinson, Zabini, Crabbe, Goyle... why doesn't he shout the names in his common room? All Slytherins... no, wait. Boot, Smith, Lovegood, Cho! Chang! He's invited beauteous Cho! (sighs. Dobby pulls his robe) Oh yes, and Bones, Finch-Fletchley and McMillan. There you go, Dobby.

DOBBY

Oh thank you Bounteous Harry Potter sir! Thank you! (pops out)

RON

What a boot-licker!

HARRY

(sighs) Choooooo...

RON

Go to the party, then. Compare your Cho to the other beauties there and be heart-whole again.

HARRY

What beauties? Millicent Bulstrode?

RON Well, Pansy Parkinson swings a mean robe... I mean, she's evil, but then, what a saucy Slytherin... I mean saucy in a very evil way, you know, I mean...

HARRY

I'll go along, not such sights to be shown

But to rejoice in splendour of my own. Oh, Cho!

ACT I - scene III

NARCISSA

Severus, where's my son? Call him forth to me.

SNAPE

Now, by my sorting at eleven I bade him come. What, lamb?! What, dragonbird!

DRACO

How now, who calls?

SNAPE

Your mother.

DRACO

Mu-um! Oh, alright, what is thy will?

NARCISSA

This is the matter. Severus you know my son is almost of age...

SNAPE

Faith, I can tell his age unto an hour.

NARCISSA

He's not seventeen...

SNAPE

On Lammas Eve at night he'll be seventeen...

Wait, is the fifth of June Lammas Eve? Could have sworn he was born on Lammas Eve, or perhaps the fifth of June, but whatever it is he'll be seventeen I remember it well. Nay, I do bear a brain. I shall never forget it, of all the days of the year upon that day he was taught his first potion lesson five years after. The very day of his birth. You and Lucius were at Mantua... or was it Hogsmeade? I do bear a brain. And just the day before, pretty fool, he bruised his bottom, falling on't. And then the Dark Lord - ah but he is a merry man, he is! - took up the child. "Yea," quoth he, "dost thou fall upon thy back? Thou wilt fall facedown when thou hast more wit, wilt thou not, Dracy?"

And by my holidame,

the pretty wretch quit crying and said: "Ay."

NARCISSA

Enough of this, I pray thee, hold thy peace.

SNAPE

Yes, Cissy, yet I cannot choose but laugh

To think it would leave crying and said: "Ay."

"Yea," quoth the Dark Lord, "Falls't upon thy bottom?

Thou wilt fall focedown when thou comest of age,

Wilt thou not, Dracy?" It stinted and said: "Ay."

NARCISSA

'Stinted'?

DRACO

'IT'!?

SNAPE

Stinted. It means he stopped crying. And yes, my poppet, children are referred to as 'it', leave with it.

NARCISSA

And stint thou too, I pray thee, Severus, say I.

SNAPE

Peace, I have done. But mark thee well my words

Thou wast the prettiest babe that e'er I saw

And I might live to see thee marked, Draco,

I have my wish.

NARCISSA

That's exactly what I wanted to talk to you about, my child.

How stands your disposition to be marked?

DRACO

It is a honour that I dream not of.

NARCISSA

Well, do dream of it now. There are many of your age already marked here at Hogwarts. The valiant Lord Voldemort seeks thou for his love.

SNAPE

A man, young man, ay such a man... Why, he's a man of puissance!

NARCISSA

Hogwarts' summer hath not such a flower.

SNAPE

Ay, a flower, a very red-eyed flower of snakehood!

NARCISSA

What say you, can you love this Great Dark Lord?

DRACO

Er...

NARCISSA

This night you shall behold him at our feast:

Read o'er the volume of the Dark Lord's face

Examine every marrèd lineament

And see how one another lends content...

DRACO

Er...

NARCISSA

That book in many eyes doth share the glory

That in gold clasps locks in the golden story.

So shall you share all that he does possess.

DRACO

Really? All? As in all all?

NARCISSA

Speak briefly, can you like the Dark Lord's love?

DRACO

I'll look to like, if looking liking move.

THE CORRIDOR OUTSIDE SLYTHERIN HOUSE

HARRY

Are we supposed to say something when we go in?

RON

Nah, let them measure us by what they will

We'll measure them a measure and be gone.

I just would love to dance with saucy Pansy...

HERMIONE

Pardon?

RON

In jest, sweet Hermione, I meant in jest! A jape, see? A merry jape of scorn against slimy Slytherins!

HERMIONE

Alright, then.

HARRY

I'm NOT dancing.

RON

Nay, grumpy Harry, we must have you dance.

HARRY

I AM NOT DANCING! Hmph.

I cannot bound a pitch above dull woe

Under love's heavy burden do I sink.

HERMIONE

Oh please, Harry, do stop sulking. Love is a tender thing.

HARRY

Not it very well is NOT. It is too rough,

too rude, too boisterous, and it pricks like thorns.

HERMIONE

If love be rough with you be rough with love

Prick love for pricking and you'll shag it down.

RON

Come, knock and enter, and no sooner in

But every man betake him to his prick!

Both Harry and Hermione give Ron a very pointed look.

RON

What? Hermione's the only one who can do PRUN now?

HARRY

I have a very bad feeling about this.

HERMIONE

Why, may one ask?

HARRY

I dreamt a dream tonight.

HERMIONE

Was it a vision?

HARRY

Yes. No. Dunno. It was a dream.

HERMIONE

Oh, then I see Queen Mab has been with you.

You know who Queen Mab is, don't you Harry?

HARRY

Huh?

HERMIONE

Oh, for goodness sake Harry! Thou still hast not read Hogwarts: a History, chapter fortythree, Hogwarts myths? Queen Mab is the fairies' midwife and she come drawn with a team of little atomi

over men's noses as they lie asleep.

Her chariot is an empty hazelnut...

RON

(aside to Harry) She's off! Yoiks and tally ho.

HARRY

(Aside to Ron) God, but she never stops, does she?

RON

(aside to Harry) Ay, mate. Same ol' Mione. Same ol' same ol'.

HERMIONE

... This is the hag, when maids sleep on their backs

That presses them and learns them first to bear

Making them women of good carriage.

This is she...

HARRY

Peace, peace, Hermione, peace!

HERMIONE

But Harry, thou needst to know such things for the NEWTs!

RON

Look, let's go in before we miss supper. We shall go too late!

HARRY

I fear too early, for my mind misgives

Some consequence yet hanging in the stars

Shall bitterly begin this fearful date,

With this night's revels and expire the term

Of a despised life clos'd in my breast

By some vile forfeit of untimely death.

(sigh) Oh, well. On, lusty gentlemen!

HERMIONE

Ahem.

HARRY

And gentlewoman.

HERMIONE

Good.

SLYTHERIN COMMON ROOM

All dance, Voldemort is leading Draco in a stately dance. Draco looks terminally bored.

HARRY

(smitten) I never saw Malfoy dance! Holy mother of...! What grace, what elegance, what hair! What a hunk! Boy, does his face change when he's not sneering. I never expected him to be so scrunchy yummy. Oh, I am smitten! Cupid's wayward arrow has pierced my heart. By Merlin's beard, he lights up the room. I must dance with him. NOW!

BLAISE

This, by his voice, should be a Gryffindor.

Fetch me my wand! What, dares this slave

Come hither and grab our lovely Ice Prince?

Now by the stock and honour of my House

To hex him stupid I hold not a sin.

SNAPE

What's the matter with you, now?

BLAISE

That's a bloody Gryffindor!

SNAPE

Ah, yes. Young Potter.

BLAISE

That's him, the villain Potter.

SNAPE

Don't get your knickers in a twist, Zabini. I don't want hexes flying during a ball in honour of the Dark Lord. Be patient and we'll get him in potion class.

BLAISE

But...

SNAPE

Am I the Head of House here or you?. Go to, saucy boy! You must obey. Leave that egomaniacally self-centred Boy Who Annoyed alone!

BLAISE

Grrr.

Harry has slammed Draco against a wall and now stands nose to nose with him.

HARRY

(breathing heavily)

If I profane with my unworthiest nose

This holy shrine, the gentle sin is this:

My lips, two blushing pilgrims, ready stand

To smooth that rough touch with a tender kiss.

DRACO

(smirking)

Good pilgrim you do wrong your nose too much

Which mannerly devotion shows in this:

For saints have noses that pilgrim's noses do touch

And nose to nose is holy penguin's kiss.

HARRY

(blinks, then hesitantly)

Have not saints lips, and holy penguins too?

DRACO

Actually not, for penguins have thin beaks.

HARRY

Um... that was not supposed to go like that, you know?

DRACO

Your problem, Scarface, my line of the sonnet scans.

HARRY

Oh. Ah. Er...

DRACO

VERY eloquent.

HARRY

(gritting his teeth) Well, then you're not a saint and let lips do

What noses do, lest love turn to despair.

DRACO

Nice save! (smiles sunnily)

Even not saints can grant for prayer's sake.

HARRY

Then move not while my prayer's effect I take.

They snog passionately.

SNAPE

Draco! Your mother wants a word.

DRACO

Oh blast. (follows Snape)

RON

Away! Be gone! The sport is at its best!

HERMIONE

Parkinson slapped you silly, didn't she?

RON

Heh...

HARRY

Bloody hell, Ron, you have lousy timing.

HERMIONE

Come on, Harry, Zabini is giving us very foul looks.

HARRY

So?

HERMIONE

You can't duel in the midst of a party, Harry. Do try and think.

Hermione and Ron drag Harry away.

DRACO

My only love sprung from my only hate.

Too early seen unknown and known too late.

Prodigious birth of love it is to me

That I must love a loathed enemy.