Kiss the Girl

Kiss the Girl

Chapter 4

Of Letter-Eating and Lakes

~*~

***

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

-Edward De Bono

***

The incidents that occurred on the fateful day that Fred and George Weasley had the infamous "talk" with their brother were never spoken of after the initial shock wore off. Therapists say that one should share their fears, but Harry Potter and Ronald Weasley decided this principle did not apply here, as no therapist had ever met the twins. And so, after reaching this conclusion, both boys were happy to put the memory behind them. It would be years before Ron´s nightmares would cease, but that was just the price he paid for the moment he had let Fred and George corner him in the Common Room. Ron decided if such a moment ever happened again, he´d be better off trying to apparate away. Surly becoming splinched couldn´t be as painful as all that had happened to him in the empty classroom. The thought had crossed Ron´s mind that one couldn´t apparate from Hogwarts, but he didn´t rightly care.

The days wore on, and eventually Harry and Ginny concocted another plan. It wasn´t even a plan per se, but an idea. Ron had had no part in it, still scared from the last few attempts. The inspiration had struck Ginny early one afternoon, as the older trio was discussing one of the day´s events. It occurred to her that the reason Ron and Hermione never had a chance to tell each other their feelings was that Harry was always there. The three were inseparable, which was the reason she called them the trio. It was possible that what Hermione and Ron needed was a date. Alas, since Ron was too scared to actually ask Hermione out, it would have to appear casual and totally unplanned. How they would go about setting all of this up was an unknown factor, one Ginny decided to share with Harry, her partner in crime. After she notified said partner, the two spent time discussing the issue, but really, only a bit of time was spent on the plan. The conversation took place by the lake, it being a warm autumn day, rather unusual for mid-October in Scotland.

Hermione and Ron were thought to be off doing other things, as not everybody in Hogwarts had dropped their lives for the operations that the select few in Gryffindor were putting into order. Usually Ginny and Harry would have recruited some help for a Ron-Hermione Romance Plan, (that was what the twin´s had started to call the attempts) but since Ron was still wary around everyone who knew of his crush (which was everybody) they had decided to try this one on their own.

*~*~ -------

Back at the Ranch...er...Castle...

"Ronald Your-Parents-Ran-Out-Of-Middle-Names Weasley!" Hermione bellowed over the Common Room. She was chasing a terrified Ron, who was running top-speed through the area. "You get back here, NOW!!!" Eventually Hermione managed to jump on top of Ron, tackling him quite effectively. With a loud "Oomph!" Ron went sprawling to the ground, leaving his head plastered to the rug.

"Ger´ off!" Ron called out. However, his pleas went unanswered, as Hermione moved to a sitting position on top of his back.

"Give me back that letter, immediately." The brown-haired girl demanded.

"What--gasp--letter." Ron had just managed to turn his head to the side, and was greedily sucking in mouthfuls of air.

Hermione frowned, "The letter that Pig just tried to give me, and you stole. Is this ringing any bells?"

As it was, Ron had decided to rename his owl Benedict Arnold. (AN: I don´t know any British traitors, so let´s just pretend Ron is really informed on the American Revolution!)

*~*~ -------

The creature had been delivering him a letter from Charlie when he´d spotted a piece of paper sticking out of Ron´s bag with "Hermione" written in his owner´s handwriting. It was the same letter Ron had tried to write to Hermione with the help of Harry and Ginny...and he couldn´t let Hermione see it. Pig had grabbed hold of the letter--apparently trying to be helpful--and flew down the dormitory stairs, searching for the recipient. Of course Ron followed, knocking classmates out of the way as he went, without even an apology thrown over his shoulder.

"Pig," Ron had called wildly, waving his arms in the air, "Come back!" But the tiny owl had ignored his crazed master, and dropped the letter by Hermione´s feet while Ron was still across the room. From there, time seemed to go into slow motion. Hermione had looked down to the ground, puzzled about whatever piece of paper her best friend´s owl had given her, and then started to stoop down to pick it up. Panic had struck Ron stronger than ever, and the boy had done the only thing he could do.

Ron made a flying leap over a misplaced couch, barely keeping his foot from smashing into an inhabiting student´s head. The rest of the people on the couch had managed to duck, thus saving their own limbs as well. Next there was the coffee table, which Ron managed to smash his shin into, and still keep going. He was now barely ten feet away from Hermione. He leaped...and landed with a plop by Hermione´s feet. Luckily for the newly employed gymnast, Hermione had paused to stare at his act in horror, and had forgotten all about the letter that was lying at her feet. In one fluid movement, Ron had taken the letter and stuffed it into a pocket of his robes. Euphoria filled Ron´s veins; he had managed to get the letter. Rolling onto his back, Ron let out the breath he´d been holding. However, the misbegotten boy had forgotten about something, or rather, someone.

"Ron...are you feeling well?" Hermione´s eyes were still twice their usual size.

"Fine--wheeze--just practicing for...for...just exercising. You?"

Hermione began to talk very slowly, as if speaking to a small child, "I´m okay. But Ron, you just jumped over the couch."

"It would seem that way."

Hermione rolled her eyes, "Do you have a logical explanation for this?"

Ron thought about telling her about the letter, but a force inside his head mentally smacked him, keeping his mouth from doing so. "No."

"Right. So, can you hand me the letter your owl just brought me? Though I don´t know why Pig would bring me a letter...perhaps somebody dropped it in the Owlery. `Merlin!´ Ron thought, `She doesn´t know it was me!´ A gleam entered Hermione´s eyes...maybe she wasn´t as unsuspecting as he thought.

"Um...What letter? I didn´t see one when I landed here."

"Ron. Give me that letter." Hermione was now looking rather pissed off.

"Hermione--I can´t."

"You what?"

"I can´t Hermione...sorry." Ron stood up and backed away.

"Ron, my name was on it, and since it wasn´t from you," She waited a moment for him to deny her statement, and when he did not, proceeded, "It belongs to me." Ron began to back up. "Ron..." Before Hermione had taken another step, Ron was off like a shot. Then Hermione had done a very un-Hermione like thing, she´d run after him.

*~*~ -------

And this is how we got ourselves into the situation of Hermione sitting on top of Ron, waiting for him to fork over the letter Pig had brought her. A tense silence encased the duo, as everybody in the Common Room turned to watch. When Hermione noticed this, she began to fume, "And what are you all staring at? Have you nothing better to do?" Immediately noise began to filter through the hush, nobody there wanted Hermione to tackle them.

"This is your last chance, Ron. Either hand it over now, or I´m using Accio."

Uh oh. Ron had forgotten about that charm. He steeled himself for the taste of ink and paper, then grabbed the letter out of his pocket and shoved it into his mouth. With one quick swallow, it was gone.

Hermione gaped at him. "Did you just eat that?" Ron let his head fall back to the ground, why couldn´t somebody just come kill him? Really, where was a friendly assassin where you needed one? "Oooh, That letter had better have been worth it! This isn´t over yet!" Hermione got up off of Ron and stormed up the girl´s staircase. The boy flipped to his back once again, too much in pain to do anything but pant. Well that, and consider regurgitating, whoever knew paper would that bad.

*~*~ -------

The Lake...

Harry and Ginny were still discussing different ways to go about the next phase of their plan. Of course, they were completely oblivious to what had just occurred in their house´s common room, so they did not add in the factor that Ron had just gotten Hermione incredibly irritated by eating what she thought was a letter addressed to her.

"So I guess we shouldn´t let Ron or Hermione in on this next one," Harry was saying. The two had decided to arrange a date for the couple-to-be, one that would take place on the next Hogsmead weekend, Halloween to be exact. However, getting the two to agree was another story, as well as the root of all this planning.

"Definitely not. It´s beyond a doubt that Hermione will become suspicious if Ron starts acting all...weird--and he will--if he thinks he´s going on a date. If he believes you´re going, he might be more casual. We can tell them at the last minute...say you´re indisposed, and that I have to study. Come to think of it, Ron may not even realize what we´re doing. That brother of mine is oblivious." Ginny stared up at the bright blue sky, haphazardly noting that one of the white fluffy clouds seemed to be shaped like a pair of earmuffs. Lost in these pleasant thoughts, she managed to effectively start tuning out everything else but the sky. Eventually, Ginny reflected on the events that had gotten her to the lake. It had been around five o´clock in the afternoon when they had come here, and at least an hour had passed. Originally, Ginny had pretended that Harry asking her to sit by the lake with him was a romantic rendezvous, but had put the notion aside when the older boy had shown no such indication whatsoever. He might as well have been one of her brothers, `Damn all ignorant men,´ Ginny sullenly thought.

"So, you think I should feign sick, Ginny? Ginny?" The girl in question blushed at her mental absence, and then got Harry to repeat the question.

"It sounds alright, but there´s a problem." Ginny bit her bottom lip.

"What?" Harry couldn´t find a flaw in the plan, but was curious to see if Ginny had realized something he had not.

"Well, as it is, Hermione might feel bad and want to stay back with you. I mean, this is the third year you all have been able to make these trips; the glamour might not be enough. And really, what can be wrong with you that Madame Pomfrey can´t fix in an instant?"

"I hadn´t thought of that."

"You wouldn´t." Ginny teased.

"And what is that supposed to mean?" Harry said in mock anger.

"Well, you are friends with my brother after all. And if his schemes are only half as clever as yours are, I still say we´re all doomed."

"Ouch, Gin. I didn´t no you were so cynical. You know, there was a time you wouldn´t even speak in front of me, now you´re badgering me with my inadequacy. Really." Harry gave a long-suffering sigh. However, Ginny gaped, and her face reddened in color. She had almost forgotten about her long-time inability to talk in front of Harry. Well, that was a lie. She would never forget. But she had thought at least he had. She silently dammed all men...again.

"That was different!" She finally told him. "We´re only talking now because we want to help Ron and Hermione. That´s all." Hopefully, Harry wouldn´t realize she was lying through her teeth. She couldn´t even believe the words herself. She´d desire to talk to him if Ron had told her he wanted to date a frog!

"Oh..." Harry looked somewhat abashed, causing Ginny to soften.

"Harry, I´m sorry. I didn´t mean--"

The dark-haired boy interrupted her apology. "Don´t worry about it. You have nothing to be sorry for." A rather awkward silence invaded the discussion as both parties retreated into their own thoughts.

Finally, Ginny had had enough. "Besides," She started, "The only reason I didn´t talk to you was because you always made me do embarrassing things."

Harry misunderstood the accusation, "Like what?" He looked exceedingly puzzled.

"Like the time I put my elbow in the butter. Don´t lie, I know you saw!" She giggled, even as she blushed. Harry noted how her face had colored, and let out a laugh of his own. It seemed all the Weasley´s were excellent at blushing. It offset their hair perfectly; he didn´t say this to Ginny however. When Harry had expressed this thought to Ron he´d been whacked over the head with his offended friend´s Transfiguration textbook. It was not an experience Harry was willing to repeat, especially right by a really deep lake where there was certain merman who might not like him very much after his brief tour of their home last year. The second task echoed in the recesses of his mind. It made him think of Ced--

"Harry? What are you thinking about, you look so gloomy," Ginny couldn´t believe her own boldness.

If it had been Ron or Hermione, Harry might have said nothing, just changed the subject. It did little good, letting them know of his guilt. They´d just say it wasn´t his fault. So far, the sentiment had not stuck. However, Ginny seemed to omit the feeling that you could talk to her, that she would really listen. He said the words hastily, and in a tone barely audible, "The second task."

Ginny said nothing, only looked at him. Harry had a feeling she understood the deeper meaning in his words. "You know, the Triwizard Tournament may not have been all cotton candy, but you should try to have some fond memories of it, Harry. You battled a dragon, impressed Victor Krum, and didn´t you become a fish?"

Harry gaped, "I wasn´t a fish...I just had gills."

"So you were a fish?" The two continued on like this for a good five minutes, but eventually Harry became exasperated.

Finally giving in, Harry pretended to be mad, "Yes, I suppose I was a fish." Ginny grinned at his acceptance of her analysis, but Harry kept his scowl. It would do no good to have her believing he´d give in to all of her conceptions of him. Particularly if they had him portrayed as things that served as many a person´s meal.

"Well then, Fish Boy, it´s almost time for dinner." She stood up to go inside, "Aren´t you coming?" Ginny paused in order to convulse into a fit of giggles, "I think some of your relatives are on the menu."

Harry was not amused.

Though it had nothing to do with Ginny´s last joke, he considered staying by the lake. He was expecting a letter from Sirius any time now, and it he was really lucky, Hedwig might even return while he was here. Not a soul was in sight, it was perfect for a secret reading. On the other hand, he wasn´t positive his owl would come at this exact moment. He would have continued to debate the trivial issue inside his head, but Ginny was impatiently tapping her foot, which caused Harry to smile. She had about the same amount of patience as Ron. "Yes," He said, "But only if you promise to stop calling me Fish Boy."

Ginny gave him a sly smile as she placed a stray piece of hair behind her ear, "I make no guarantees." Harry decided to be content with that, she had won the last argument, and he wasn´t about to let her be the victor of another. He stood up, and together they made their way to the Great Hall.

*~*~ -------

Though Harry and Ginny would see Hermione in short time, Ron was another matter all together. He had not moved from the floor of the Common Room since Hermione had left him there, and then again walked over him to get to the Portrait Hole. While most of the first years seemed a bit irked by the elder student´s conduct, it didn´t take long before word got around that he was related to Fred and George. Soon the area was empty, void of any living creatures besides one very downcast redhead.

As it was, Ron was contemplating the meaning of life. That, and the downhill turn his life had taken.

"It used to be so easy," he said to himself. "Before Hogwarts, my life was one big bowl of roses--wait, is that even a real expression?" Ron thought for a while. "Nope, think I´ve mixed a few together," Ron stopped himself before he got too far off task; it wasn´t every day that he was able to rant like this.

"Not anymore. Nope, not since first year. I´ve had to face evil lords, demonic pets, escaped convicts, not to mention other numerous encounters with evil and disaster. And if all that weren´t enough, there´s girls. Especially that girl. I think I may bloody well be infatuated with her. For Merlin´s sake, I´m writing love letters--bad one´s at that--can´t forget that after I write them I EAT them...I´ve hugged Seamus, in a dress no less...and by God I think I just rhymed. And I can´t even bring up those slimy gits I call my brothers. Yes, my life is a sorry excuse--"

"What are you doing, Ron?" Ron looked up to see Angelina Johnson, who was watching him from the staircase. Apparently the tower wasn´t as empty as he had thought.

However, the embarrassment Ron had suffered that day was at such a level, the discovery of his soliloquy did not phase him in the least, "Nothing much. Just trying to figure out women."

Angelina chuckled. "You might be there awhile."

"You´re telling me." The older girl gave him a sympathetic look before stepping over him and departing. "Hermione, (Ron was talking out-loud again) is the chief example of all the girl nonsense. If it wasn´t bad enough that she´s a know-it-all, a stuck-up prefect, and thinks herself perfect...I actually like that about her. The things that she does...the things that make me go crazy are what make me like her. Does this make any sense? What´s wrong with me?"

Ron let his fists pound against the floor as he sifted through his thoughts. A silent war began to rage in Ron´s pounding head, one that had been going on for centuries. The battle between sense and madness, love and hate, and most importantly Hermione versus Ron (thought that particular fight didn´t date as far back as the others) seemed to be especially brutal.

"Oh well," Ron resigned, "Only two and a half more years before I can leave Hogwarts and escape all together. Maybe I could become a pirate..."

Yes, Ron´s musing had turned to rambling, and with the shifting of thoughts, came the end of his tirade.