Lying to Myself

Lying to Myself

Chapter One - The Spoon

Hermione shut the hardcover book on her lap. For the last hour she had been just staring at the page and it was time to give up and go to sleep. The candle light made the gold title shine, contrasting deeply with the midnight blue cover.

A yawn escaped her lips, and she slid her book into her well worn book bag. She had used the same bag all seven years in Hogwarts--it proved very durable, but it was starting to pucker at the seams. Closing the bag, Hermione extinguished the candle and drew the covers up around her.

Being head girl had its bonuses, being able to stay up reading to one's heart content was one of them. It beat having to go back and forth from the library because Parvati and Lavender couldn't sleep with the light on.

Closing her eyes, Hermione thought about next day's classes and next weeks dance.

***

"Wake up! Wake up!"

Hermione groaned as she opened one eye in order to coordinate her hand to the off button on her alarm clock. She hated the alarm clock just as much as charmed mirrors, but it had been a gift from Ron for Christmas that year and there wasn't much she could do about it.

Slowly sitting up in her bed, the head girl swung her legs over the side and stood up. She didn't know how she would be able to even make it to the shower across the room, but she did it.

The only thing that woke Hermione the second time was the shower water eventually turning cold. She knew then that whoever said you can't sleep standing up never spent thirty days in a row with only two hours of sleep each night.

Hermione turned off the shower, wrapping a towel around herself. Her reflection in the mirror tutted at her sadly.

"You poor dear. Bags under your eyes... Hair like that... You look like a drowned rat," it informed rudely, looking her up and down. Hermione rolled her eyes, responded, "So do you." And left the bathroom, brush in hand,

Sometimes she didn't know why she even owned a brush, it didn't make much of a difference, and it would be easier for Snape to give Neville an A+ in potions than to brush her hair when wet. Looking at the brush in her hand, Hermione thought better of it and performed a simple drying spell on the wet mass of tangles.

Choosing what to wear wasn't so hard either. Standard robes made it easy, and after dressing, Hermione made her way back to her books for some quick reading before breakfast. Before she could even open up the book, a knock at the door interrupted her.

Seamus stood in the doorway with a warm, welcoming smile.

"Hey Herm, I was wondering if you wanted to go for a walk before breakfast." Hermione nodded in reply and went to get her coat. Then, they both walked out of the room, shutting the door behind them.

***

During breakfast everyone was fairly quiet. Ron and Harry discussed quidditch between mouthfuls and Ginny joined in once in a while. Hermione studied them closely, and thought about the over six years they had spent together, and yet her two best friends hadn't seemed to have changed much.

Both were just as immature, paid just as much attention to studies as she did to quidditch, and ate like starved pigs. Seamus was different from both of them somehow, the biggest difference being his ability to not continuously ramble about quidditch around her, yet he had other deeming qualities about him as well.

Somehow it seemed strange to Hermione that she never gave Seamus a second glance before he asked her to go to Hogsmeade with him in the sixth year. Back then she couldn't see why the other girls were drawn to him, but now... it was hard to believe it had almost been a year for them.

"Hermione?"

Hermione swirled her head to where the noise came from. Her eyes focussed on Ron after a short while.

"Yes?" She quickly replied.

"Did you hear what I just said?"

"You said 'Hermione'," she stated in a matter-of-fact tone. Ron rolled his eyes.

"I said: 'Are you coming to the quidditch game today?' I mean considering you didn't come last game..." He trailed off accusingly.

"That wasn't my fault!" she protested, "You KNOW I had detention with Filch that day!"

Harry, Ron, and Seamus all laughed in response and Hermione gave them all a look.

"That's what happens when you get caught in the restricted section," Harry laughed, but stopped when he saw Hermione tapping her nails against the table.

A nervous chuckle escaped Harry's throat. Then the bell for classes rang.

"Oh! Potions! Gotta run!" Harry announced cheerfully before running off. Seamus took Hermione's hand.

"C'mon Herm, let's go!" Both of them walked off together towards the potions classroom.

***

Snape casually walked down the rows, sceptically eyeing each potion.

"Very good Mr. Malfoy," he congratulated, "Ten points to Slytherin."

"You have to wonder," Harry whispered to Ron, "Why even though Snape continuously gives points to Slytherin and takes points from us--we still win the house cup every year."

"What was that Mr. Potter?" Snape snapped.

"Nothing sir."

"Ten points from Gryffindor!" the potions teacher declared. Harry gave Ron a knowing look.

"Now, let's see how your potion's doing, Mr. Potter," Snape took one look at the murky orange colour and cringed.

"Can you tell me one thing that Mr. Potter did wrong Ms. Granger?" Snape asked snidely to the young Gryffindor behind the potions book. Snape could see Seamus nudge her urgently.

Using his long, spidery fingers, Snape reached out and grasped the potions book from his student, revealing her to be in quite a deep sleep.

"MS. GRANGER!" He shouted, outraged that a student dare fall asleep in his class. All the Slytherins were laughing hysterically, and all Snape had to do was give them one of his evil glares and they shut up.

Hermione woke with a start to her potions teacher's shouts and was immediately sorry. His pale face was almost red with anger, and he clutched her book a little too tightly. Hermione looked to Seamus for support, but he was staring wide eyed at the potions master.

"I'm sorry..." Hermione mumbled but Snape smiled and shook his head. It wasn't a nice smile or a forgiving smile, it was an evil... maniacal smile.

"You Ms. Granger," Snape addressed her civilly, "Just earned yourself a week's detention with Filch." Snape turned back to the board, picking up the chalk with his left hand.

"NO--" Hermione began, dreading another detention with the disgusting old man. Snape turned around sharply.

"What was that Ms. Granger?"

"No...thing could make me happier." She tried a smile and failed.

"Oh good," he smirked, "I'm sure he'll enjoy the company."

Seamus gave Hermione an apologetic look, but it seemed to be wasted on her. An entire week... with Filch no less. Could things get worse? She didn't think so.

***

"Ten points from Gryffindor for helping Mr. Longbottom, Ms. Granger. Oh, and by the way, how was your detention with Filch?" Snape smiled smugly and turned around.

Hermione was not impressed.

***

"Five points for giving Mr. Weasley the correct answer Ms. Granger."

Hermione mumbled incoherently under her breath.

"Excuse me?"

"Nothing."

"Another five points from Gryffindor."

***

Hermione stood outside of the potions classroom, holding Seamus' hand.

"I won't give him any reason to take points from me today, I won't!"

"Good idea. I'm sorry Hun, but we can't afford much more to be taken off."

"Ten points from Gryffindor Ms. Granger, this is a classroom and public displays of affection are entirely inappropriate."

Seamus immediately released Hermione's hand.

***

"I am going to kill him," Hermione gritted through her teeth to Seamus, Harry and Ron as they walked down the hall from potions class.

"I am appalled, Ms. Granger," came a voice from behind her, dripping with sarcasm. "Fifteen points from Gryffindor."

***

"And what is the main ingredient?" Snape addressed the classroom, scanning it over for anyone who knew the answer, ignoring the hand that belonged to the girl with the frizzy hair.

"No one?"

Hermione's hand stayed up.

"I am very disappointed in you class. One would think you did none of the assigned reading."

Hermione's hand danced in the air.

Snape stared at her blankly.

"Are you conducting music Ms. Granger?" Snape asked dryly. Hermione shook her head.

"Then what in Merlin's name are you doing?" Hermione put her hand down.

"Five points from Gryffindor for distracting my class."

Seamus had to hold her down.

***

The morning was finally over, and all Hermione wanted to do was fall into bed and sleep. Any hope was crushed however when she saw Dumbledore walk towards her.

"Ms. Granger, if I could have a word?" he asked politely, acknowledging the others with a nod. Hermione followed behind the headmaster as he walked down the hallway to his office. After he announced his password ("Turkish delight") the two walked through and up the ascending staircase. Hermione felt slightly anxious, but swallowed any apprehension when she was invited to sit down. The feeling danced in her stomach.

"Ms. Granger... I've asked to speak with you today because I am a little concerned. Before this year, I do believe you had received detention once. This month alone... well it has come to my attention that you have been going for detention every day this week, and once last week."

Hermione's cheek shone red.

"It's really nothing to worry abut headmaster. I just fell asleep in potions accidentally... and tonight's my last night in detention."

"Fell asleep, Ms. Granger? That isn't like you at all."

Hermione looked down at the floor.

"I just haven't had much time to sleep lately." She remarked lamely, playing with the cuffs on her sleeves.

"Well may I suggest you make some? It's not healthy to go without sleep like that for such a period of time." Dumbledore chastised softly.

"I know..."

"Now," he switched topics quickly, "What is all of the commotion I've heard about losing house points?"

Hermione turned red again, for a different reason this time.

"Sir, I think that there are certain staff members in this school that really are not suitable for their position."

Dumbledore laughed at this, unable to keep the chuckles from rolling out. Lately, the headmaster seemed so old and worn, but when he laughed... he seemed to come alive. The paleness of his skin would light up and the colour in his eyes swirled, he seemed immortal like that.

"Would you like a candy corn Ms. Granger?" Hermione shook her head and laced her fingers together on her lap.

"What do you know about Professor Snape, Ms. Granger?" His eyes sparkled.

"I know that he enjoys making me suffer, and that he hates the world. That he seems to live in black, he takes his coffee everywhere, and that his favourite words are 'points', 'from', and 'Gryffindor'. Also that he's good at potions, he was a Death Eater, he's now a spy and he needs to wash his hair."

"Well, you're more observant that I give you credit for," The headmaster sounded amused, and the twinkle in his eye remained.

"But still, I believe I know a great deal more than you, and he is indeed suitable for his position. Maybe if you tried to understand him, you'd think so too. Not everyone is as black and white as your Mr. Finnegan."

Hermione nodded and, sensing that she was being excused mumbled a farewell and walked out into the hallway, Seamus was waiting for her.

"Hey Herm," he greeted her pleasantly, searching her eyes to see how she was doing.

"Hey."

"What did Dumbledore want?" he asked curiously as they both walked down the corridor to the great hall for lunch.

"He was just worried, with all of my detentions and all," she answered without interest. Seamus nodded in understanding and smiled.

"So is everything ready for Friday's Dance?"

Hermione's eyes went wide, and she stopped in her tracks.

"Oh no! I completely forgot!"

"Figured," Seamus smiled, drawing a shrunken box from his pocket, "That's why I got you this." Seamus drew out his wand and resized the box, making it as big as his torso.

"Here," Seamus handed Hermione the box, and she opened it, revealing its contents.

"Ginny helped me pick it out, I hope you like it. I figured with detention every night leading up to the ball you wouldn't have a chance. So..."

Hermione drew the dress out of the cardboard box, holding it by the sleeves in front of her. It was a beautiful red colour, and the hem would most definitely touch the ground when she tried it on. It had to have been expensive...

"Thank you so much Seamus Finnigan!" Hermione exclaimed as she went on her toes to give him a quick kiss on the cheek, "I'll be right back, I'm going to try it on right now--I'll meet you in the great hall!" she called back as she ran in the opposite direction, the dress in hand. Seamus smiled to himself and walked towards lunch.

***

Lunch was the same as any other day. Ron and Harry sat beside each other across from Hermione, munching away at their food and talking about the quidditch game.

"Y'know," Ron began, and Hermione cringed at the sight of the food in his mouth.

"You've missed the last two games Hermione."

"That's not fair!" Hermione spluttered on her own food. "You know I was in detention BOTH times!"

Harry smiled mischievously. "And I thought you were a model student." Hermione glared at Harry and returned to her food.

"Well you're gonna be at tomorrow's game, right Herm?" Seamus asked, looking at her from the corner of his eye. Hermione nodded happily in response, giving an ecstatic smile.

"Tonight is my last night with Filch."

"And what a sad night it'll be," came a smooth voice from behind them. Everyone looked up to see Draco Malfoy standing there, a satisfied smirk on his pale face.

"What do you want Malfoy?" Seamus spat, clearly unhappy at the interruption. Malfoy ignored him entirely, looking towards Hermione.

"My father once told me to be careful who you spend your time with because if you spend enough time with someone you'll start to 'enjoy their company'. I can't say I really believed him then... but I guess you've proved it Granger."

Seamus sprang from his seat at the table, his face red.

"You have no right to talk to Hermione that wa--"

"Shove it Finnegan," Draco interrupted, still eerily calm, "If I were you, I'd be more concerned. With your girlfriend cheating on you with Filch and all. To think Filch could out-bed you."

This time it was Hermione's turn to jump from her seat. None of the Gryffindor boys could recall seeing the head girl so mad. She was seething.

"You are... going down Malfoy," she breathed through her teeth, clenching her fists together tightly. Draco looked at his nails.

"I'd duel with you Granger, but I'd rather not loose my head boy badge, sorry." He was not very sincere. Hermione reached behind her, her eyes never leaving Draco. She groped blindly at the table, clasping her hand around the first thing she could reach.

"A spoon, Granger?" Draco seemed very amused, "I'm supposed to be scared of a spoon?"

Hermione shook her head and smiled like a mental patient. "Not of the spoon," she replied, "But of me, holding the spoon." At that Hermione held the spoon in the air, and the two stood there, watching each other.

Then Draco ran.

And Hermione ran after him.

Seamus thought he heard Hermione scream, "You can run, but you can't hide!" as she ran after him out of the great hall, but he wasn't sure. Yet the looks on Ginny, Ron, and Harry's faces told him he wasn't hearing things.

***

Later, in Herbology class Seamus, Harry and Ron could not contain their laughter. Draco sat by the wall, trying to hide the spoon shaped bruise on his right cheek by resting it against the wall. Unfortunately for him, Professor Sprout had ordered him to go to Madame Pomfrey to get a bag of ice, and he had to hold it there, testifying to Hermione's wrath.

Lucky for the head girl, Malfoy's pride was too high to admit to the mediwitch who had beaten him up. Ron gave Hermione a very gleeful hug when he saw Malfoy after, and Hermione couldn't help but tap her pocket which now contained the spoon.

All four of the Gryffindors were surprised when the Herbology professor dismissed them, and happily started for their common room before dinner.

"Herbology class went by really quickly," Seamus commented conversationally to his fellow Gryffindors.

"Time flies when you're making fun of Malfoy," Harry laughed, before saying the password to the fat lady and walking in the room with the rest.

The portrait swung back into place, just as the three boys heard a mumbled yelp that sounded particularly close to a drowning llama. Seamus, Harry and Ron all turned to see Hermione was not with them and ran back outside into the hall.

Hermione sat on the floor just outside the Gryffindor common room, surrounded by a bunch of books, her worn out bag on her lap.

"My bag broke," she whined to the three, who rolled their eyes and stepped forward to help her with her books and scrolls.

"Honestly Herm, I don't know how that book bag survived even that long," Seamus said, walking back into the common room. Ron and Harry placed the books they were carrying on the coffee table and sat down on the couch. Hermione and Seamus followed.

"Ya, but what am I gonna do now? I don't have any time to go to Hogsmeade this week, and I NEED something for my books."

"You could transfigure something into a book bag," Ron suggested, happy to think of a solution before the head girl. Hermione nodded her head in agreement before coming up with the next dilemma.

"But what?" she asked no one in particular. They all shrugged.

"I'll be right back," she sighed before walking off towards her own room, in hope of finding something to transfigure. Hermione did not have very many options. Her eyes scanned the room for a candidate.

Bed... she needed a bed. Pillows... she couldn't part with those, her blanket too. Dresser... she needed her dresser. The contents on her dresser? No, too small. Clothes?... she needed clothes, but... Hermione shuffled through the hanging clothes in her walk-in closet. On one particular hanger hung a pair of pants that Seamus gave her. They were nice, but hot pink leather didn't really suit her. Besides, they were too tight for her liking.

Making a very easy decision, Hermione took the pair of pants from her closet and transfigured them into a school bag.

It was hideous.

But it would have to do... for now.

Hermione ran out of the room, bag in hand and headed to the table to begin putting the books back into the bag.

Harry and Ron looked incredulously at the bag, and then back at each other.

"What was that before!?" Ron snorted, eyeing the bag slightly.

"A pair of pants," she responded, sliding her books into it. Harry and Ron stared wide-eyed at their female friend, and Seamus looked at the ground.

"Where did you get a pair of pants like that!?" Harry coughed wildly.

"Seamus--" Hermione began innocently.

"Didn't like them very much either." Seamus interrupted frantically.

"I wouldn't suggest using those, Herm." Seamus almost pleaded, his cheeks very red. Hermione shrugged.

"It's okay. The transfiguration charm won't last that long anyway. It's only temporary, until I can get to Hogsmeade."

"Won't it just change back suddenly then?" Ron asked.

"In a week or so," Hermione answered, "But I'll get a new one before that. It's fine."

"No, really Hermione," Seamus stopped to glare at the sniggering Ron and Harry, "I'll lend you a pair of my pants or something."

"It's okay Seamus. Really, I know they don't look very practical but it's not a very big deal," Hermione assured him, closing the bag and doing up the flap's buckle. Seamus put his head in his hands.

"Okay guys, let's go to dinner. I have a detention I have to get over with." Hermione half suggested.

Seamus stood up, waiting for his two friends to finally get over their fits of laughter and come for dinner. Just then Ginny came into the common room.

"What's so funny?" she asked Seamus, who quickly grabbed her forearm and dragged her to the exit way. Seamus yelled over his shoulder he would meet them in the great hall and left, Hermione following behind with her bag. Finally the two boys left as well, just to start up again when they saw the bag at the dinner table. This time, Ginny joined with them.

Parvati commented on how cute she thought it looked.

***

It was almost embarrassing for Hermione. Everyone she knew made some kind of comment about the hot pink pants bag. One boy even ventured to ask if the bag was a gift from Filch. She also found it odd how Seamus always had some reason to be away from her that day. He forgot his books, or he had to stay and talk to the professor, etc. He was acting very strangely.

When she arrived at potions, Seamus still wasn't there. She sat down and glared at Draco who was rudely staring at her. Harry and Ron entered shortly after Hermione and sat down behind her.

"Where's Seamus?" Ron bent over and asked Hermione, a noticeable smirk on his face. Harry nudged the red head just as Snape came in, looking less like 'The Bat from Hell' than usual. Immediately after entering, Snape called Draco to the board to write out the ingredients for that day's potion. Hermione quickly copied out the potion's components and started on the potion.

No matter how hard she tried, Hermione couldn't concentrate on her potion. Her mind continuously went back to Seamus and why it seemed like he was ignoring her today. Really she didn't know what she had done wrong.

Mechanically, Hermione stirred together the ingredients. Turning her head to the left, she saw Malfoy mouthing rude words to her, smiling wickedly. Hermione couldn't help but draw the spoon from her pocket and show it to the Slytherin. Draco shut his mouth quickly and looked back to his cauldron. By the time Hermione did the same, it was too late.

Distractions and potions did not mix well. Neville was living proof of that. Hermione's ability to concentrate was half the reason she was so successful in potions. Yet with Seamus' behaviour today, his absence, and Malfoy, she was less on top of things than she thought. The worst part was that went the green smog filled the room, the professor called out angrily to Neville--then the smoke cleared.

Professor Snape's mouth was actually hanging open when he saw the true source of the explosion. Unfortunately for the head girl however, he recovered quickly. His words were somewhat unexpected.

"Everybody out!" He ordered and no one even thought of questioning him. The whole class started to pack up their books, wiping the green slime off first. The room was covered in the grotesque goo. No one was spared. Harry and Ron seemed the most surprised out of anyone, but followed the group of students as they filed out of the classroom.

"Nice going mudblood." Draco hissed as he walked past her, trying to remove the goo from his hair. Hermione could hear plenty of the exiting students performing cleaning charms on themselves. Once the last student has managed to leave, Hermione had expected the worst lecture she would ever receive coming from Snape. Yet none came.

"Ms.Granger, I will expect you to clean this entire classroom." Snape stated very calmly. Hermione reached for her wand but paused halfway due to the professor's words.

"Wandless, Ms.Granger."

Hermione wanted to cry. Malfoy was being a pain, Seamus was avoiding her and now she had a potion gone wrong to clean up by hand.

"Any cleaning products you might need are in there." Snape pointed to a small closet in the back of the classroom and sat down. Hermione walked over to the back closet and opened the door. Inside there were two things, a tooth brush and a bottle containing what she assumed to be some sort of cleaning potion. Sighing, she got to work.

It is remarkable how slowly progress is made when there is a lot to clean and only a toothbrush to do it with. The professor seemed not to care. He sat at his table ignoring her and correcting work. Once and a while she'd hear him grunt, and would turn her head to him shake his and mark the paper in front of him.

Five minutes before the buzzer for supper sounded, she was finished. Her knees hurt badly from kneeling for so long, and her robe was soaked through. Standing up, she walked to her professor's desk and waited for him to notice her.

"I'm finished professor." She said once he looked up from the paper he was marking. She noticed there were no markings of correction on the pages and was surprised.

"Very well then, go to the great hall for your meal and I will see you tomorrow after your final class." Snape returned to the paper.

"I'm sorry sir, but why?" She asked nervously, hoping it was because he was going to be at the dance and banquet.

"For detention, Ms.Granger." He raised a single eyebrow at her. "Surely you didn't think you would be leaving without a detention." He was now smirking.

"No...no sir." She whispered to the floor. Knowing that she was dismissed, she began to turn around to collect her things.

"You might as well take this with you." He added as he quickly scribbled her mark in his impeccably neat cursive at the top. Hermione received it with a 'thank you professor' and stuffed it in her bag.

Walking to the door, Hermione decided that her day could have been worse. For some reason, Snape had forgotten to take away house points.

"Oh, Ms.Granger?"

Hermione turned around again, standing in the doorway.

"Twenty points from Gryffindor."