The Pounding Rain

The Pounding Rain
Chapter One
Rain

Can you feel the pounding rain?
It's beating on your back
Can you feel the relentless wind?
It's tearing you apart

It was raining outside. To be honest, it was more like a gentle drizzle, like silent tears of the mourning, gray sky. The cool raindrops on my face were very refreshing and new, and for the moment, I didn't care if anyone I would catch a cold. This was where I belonged.

The invariable gray stones and shadows around me created a desolate surrounding. On three sides, there was the cold, gray castle walls and before me was the lake, reflecting the gray sky above me. I sat on the stone steps leading from my secret exit of the castle, one I had discovered nearly two years ago. This was my place to reflect, to mourn, to dream. No one else knew about this exit, I was sure of it. Which was why it was perfect for me, now.

I leaned against the wall next to the small, wooden door. I had been going to Hogwarts for five years now, but things had never looked so grim. Not even the haunting memories of my first year could scare me more than the situation Wizarding World - and the Muggle world for that matter - now had to face. This time, there was no diary holding You-Know-Who back, because he was very much alive and healthy, and more powerful than he ever had been. Naturally, Hogwarts has put up their tightest security and the staff has the students convinced that everyone that they are safe.

Except that it's not safe, not at all. The teachers are too worried for us to be completely safe. It's too difficult to keep watch over as many as one thousand students and a whole castle. But they can't send us home, either. It isn't safe anywhere.

After dinner, I had intended, originally, to go back to my dormitory and study. Ever since the beginning of my fourth year, I had become somewhat like Hermione. I did my homework in the common room, but when I was done, I rushed upstairs and studied books the fifth years were reading by candlelight and the curtains of my four-poster closed. Why? Why my sudden interest in my schoolwork?

There were many reasons. My top priority was so, in the case of an emergency, I'd be able to help without hesitation. Other reasons were things like having something to do besides worrying about You-Know-Who and Harry. It was almost like I was running away from my problems to my schoolwork. For now, this suited me.

However, my intentions to go back upstairs did not matter to my feet, which had wandered off to my secret coven of peace. After contemplating the matter, I realized what maybe my subconscious had realized before. I needed a break from my stressful life, and this break was far from studying.

There have been a lot of things on my mind lately. Many things I do not understand, things much more than the simple words from a textbook. Some of these things might never be explained; things like my attraction to Harry. Yes, Harry Potter, the one who defeated the Dark Lord. That had to be it - that had to be the reason I liked him. He was - is - a hero. It's probably just admiration for such a task. No wizard had ever survived You-Know-Who's wrath.

'Except for you.'

I shook my head at this forbidden thought that had crept to my mind. It was that nagging voice that always came to tease me about my crush on Harry, and how he'd never feel anything for me. I never even suggested that I had survived You-Know-Who, because I wouldn't have, if it hadn't been for Harry. Harry, who had rescued me in my first year when I had so blindly trusted Tom Riddle, was the reason I was still alive today. That was why I had a crush on him, I insisted. And it will only ever be reverence.

There were probably many other people who looked up to Harry because of his accomplishments in his past. You're probably not the only one who 'loves' Harry Potter because of that fact that he's a hero. So, it's just normal, especially for adolescents like you. It's perfectly normal.

Part of me knew that I was lying to myself; the rest of me didn't care, because many times I wished I didn't like him. So many nights, I had cried myself to sleep, wishing that my heart would not beat so loudly whenever he smiled at me. This crush only ever inflicted pain on my behalf, so why did my heart even bother to flutter whenever he was around? What did I do to deserve this pain, and why is Harry inflicting it on me so much? -- Though he probably doesn't know he's hurting me. He probably forgets about me most of the time.

I sighed, leaning forward towards the wind, allowing it to brush my hair from my face, and resting my chin on my hands. Harry, who I knew had a crush on Cho, could never love me. I had realized this during the second task of the Triwizard Tournament. It was my brother, Ron, whom Harry would miss the most, but that was besides Cho and Hermione. They were already Cedric Diggory's and Viktor Krum's "person they'd miss the most". But, does that mean that Cho meant more to Cedric than she meant to Harry? And then I laughed out loud, wryly, at that thought. It was so silly, now, because Cedric was gone and it didn't matter, because now Harry had Cho anyway.

There comes a time when one gets bored with depression. If one sits at the shallows of a sea of it long enough, the current will pull them deeper until they are practically drowning in their own sorrow and pity for themselves. They hit the true bottom when they feel like giving up, and thus, they give up the strength to swim up to the light. I will not allow myself to go that low, despite how sad I feel. I could only take so much of all these shades of gray around me. Sometimes, it seems that the world would be better if things were marked so clearly with black and white, evil and good. Things would be so much easier because then there would be no indecision or hesitation - the rainbows of gray between black and white only made things fuzzier, and more uncertain, like pulling a curtain over your eyes.

I stood and made my way up the steps, back to the colors of the Gryffindor Common Room. Before I opened the wooden door, I could hear voices on the other side, voices that shouldn't have been heard. Perhaps they were teachers, perhaps they were lost students - but I refused to enter until I knew whom they were. What if a teacher caught me out here, when I was supposed to be upstairs? I pressed my ear against the door.

Immediately, I could recognize the voices: Harry and Cho! What were they talking about? I paused again, trying to catch snippets of their conversation. It wasn't that difficult, because they were talking rather loudly.

"Harry... I can't... I'm so sorry."

There was a long pause. Then, Harry spoke, his voice wavering, "What do you mean?" I could tell by the quiver in his voice he had some idea of what she was saying. But what were they talking about?

Cho sounded very close to tears. "I wish I didn't have to do this. I just... I wish this were easier. We can't keep seeing each other, though. I can't help but feel that I'm distracting you when you have to be at your best guard. And, I..."

When had they started "seeing each other"? How come I didn't know? And what is Cho going on about? Why would she give up Harry?

'Harry never talks to you, remember?' came that taunting voice again. 'But who cares if she isn't going to see him again? This just means that Harry can get over Cho and you can swoop in and mend his broken heart... Take your chance while you still can!'

Why don't you just shut up? As if voices in my head weren't bad enough, I have to put up with you.

'You could stand there and argue with me, or open the door and talk to Ha-rry...'

"Oh," Harry's voice fell. "I understand. You still love Cedric."

"I've been with him for so long. You've lost your parents, you must know what it's like..."

How dare she bring Harry's parents into this! He never even got to know him, you slimy little...

'I thought we liked Cho, despite the fact that Harry crushes on her. Actually, I always thought she was a nice girl.'

Shut up.

Harry's voice was like ice now. Ginny had never seen him angry before. "I never knew my parents, so I wouldn't know what it's like."

Cho answered immediately, "Harry, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to..." There was a long silence after that. Harry would never say it, but inside, his heart was breaking. He loved Cho. The way he looked at her always gave it away, or maybe I just recognized that long glance more easily. It was the way I looked at Harry, after all.

Then, Harry sighed. "This is it, then?" He sounded so weak. What did he look like? Did his eyes give away his hurt? Was he crying? No, of course not.

Cho choked out a reply. "Yes." More silence. "Harry... Don't look at me like that. It's not your fault! Cedric holds a special place in my heart that you don't. I'm sorry. I don't love you, Harry." That would have been brutal to hear out loud. Why did Cho say it? "I won't lie to you. Love isn't something you choose, it's something you feel in your heart. You can't help it, you can't stop it or start it or make it up. And when it is real, you just know it. Do you know it, Harry? When you look in my eyes, do you see it?"

Harry didn't speak.

"I didn't think so," Cho sounded almost sad. "Harry... there is someone else out there only for you. She'll reciprocate your love, and you'll be happier with her than you ever were with me. In fact, she may just be right next to you and somehow you're not seeing her. But when you finally do, I assure you, you'll simply know... I knew with Cedric. But now he's gone." She sighed. "I'm not helping you, am I?"

"No. But if that's how everything is, everything we had was wasted." There was so much pain in his voice, so much hurt and confusion that I wanted to burst open that wooden door; I wanted to tear down that one boundary that had separated us for so long. I restrained myself, though.

There was a pause and a swish of a cloak. "Don't say that. Even if I still love Cedric, Harry, our time was not wasted. You helped me; you supported me when I needed support the most. Cedric's death was the worst thing that ever happened to me, and you saved me from it, from the despair. His death will always be an ache in my heart, but don't you see Harry? What would have happened to me if I didn't have your shoulder to cry on? No, no. I...

"Harry," she continued, her voice whispering. I had to strain my ears to hear it. "You can't place love where it doesn't exist. Not love like that. I never meant to hurt you." She hesitated. "You've been the best friend I ever had, and I love you for that friendship." There was a long pause, but no answer. I could barely here her step forward. All too clearly, I could imagine Cho standing on her tiptoes and kissing Harry on the cheek. Then, her footsteps grew faint as she left him. Her voice sounded far off when she added, "You're a good person, Harry. You don't deserve any more pain. Don't worry, you'll find her soon. She may be just around the next corner, you know."

I knew she was gone now, leaving Harry in stunned silence and his thoughts. I had no power over my next actions. Had I been in my right mind I never would have flung open that wooden door. Had I been in my right mind I would have considered the consequences of such a foolish action that hadn't been properly thought out. In any case, I hurried to Harry's side and opened my mouth to speak.

"Harry..."

He looked straight at me. His emerald eyes were pools of hurt. What was he feeling? How many times would he lose someone? Didn't he know that I'd lost him, too? Or rather, that I'd never found him? Did he care?

"Not now, Ginny," was all he said. It felt like he had wrenched out my heart and flung it away, as if it were nothing but something on the bottom of his shoe. He left, without giving my broken heart a second thought, as if his problems were more important than mine. 'Well, actually the were...'

Never in my life had Harry disregarded someone close - and I like to consider us close, as I am his best friends sister. Never before had I felt so torn up inside, as though my whole world had exploded. I considered following him and figuring out what exactly was bothering him, but I knew. He loved Cho. Like I "loved" him. I turned my head to look at the ground, back at the wooden door and the gray walls behind it. I turned to speak to Harry before remembering he had gone. I exited through the wooden door again and welcomed the dreary gray walls. It was all I had known, all I knew, and all I ever would.

})({

Once I returned to the Gryffindor Common Room, Harry was not there. He never talked to his friends about his problems, even if he needed them the most. No one had seen him, either. Where had he gone? To find Cho and mend their relationship? No. He knew they were over. Didn't he? Why does he persist so?

For a brief second, I thought about how selfish and greedy that was, but could not find it in my heart to stay angry with him for too long. What is wrong with me? He is so cruel to me; so ignorant at times that it's hard to believe he knows I exist. His feelings for me are far from love, I can see it so easily. I once read something, "The opposite of love is not hate, but apathy. You cannot hate someone you don't care about." So, Harry doesn't care about me. Apathy: that must describe his feelings... And that seems to be the greatest pain anyone can inflict on a person.

When he finally did return to the Common Room, everyone tried to console him or find out what had happened. They were so cruel, asking him if she'd broken up with him because of his fame? It would be worse tomorrow once the Slytherins found out. It wasn't fair for everyone to just bother into his love life, or his life at all - just because he was Harry Potter.

Naturally, Harry didn't utter a single sound, but slumped over to where Ron and Hermione were playing chess. They didn't ask him any questions. I was sitting at the same table, a few seats down. He looked at me, as though expecting me to say something, and then our eyes met. I glanced away, feeling my cheeks burn.

He didn't speak to anyone, not even Ron or Hermione. He somehow managed to catch my eye again, as he stood up to go to his dormitory. I stood my ground, this time, daring my cheeks to blush. Thankfully, no heat rose to my face, and I gave Harry my best "I'm sorry" look. After all, I could completely understand what he was going through; it was what I went through every day of my life - thanks to him! But as I said before, no place in my heart would ever allow me to be angry with him. He didn't do it on purpose. He sighed, and hurried off. I wanted to yell something after him, but I couldn't. Why must I be so shy around him?

'Well, would you look at that. There he goes, leaving you and breaking your heart again. Why do you love him?'

It's like what Cho said. You can't help loving who you love. Only she worded it better.

'But what makes you so sure that you love him?'

Why won't you ever go away? Don't I suffer enough? Stop bothering me.

That voice finally shut up. For the time being, anyway.

})({

The next morning, I found myself poking angrily at my eggs. What had they done to offend me? I don't know. For some reason, I felt the need to mutilate something. After tossing and turning in my sleep last night, I found myself getting angrier and angrier. Why? I was angry at Cho for breaking Harry's precious heart, angry with myself for not being there to comfort him, and angry at Harry for being so cold to me, and because of his infamous record, with me in any case. Always ignored, never adored. Not that he would ever adore me.

'Ginny, darling, you really must stop grieving over that.

Now you're here to comfort me?

That stupid voice never answered when I wanted it to. Perhaps I should go see Madam Pomfrey, maybe I had been hexed with a voice that always had sarcastic remarks to my thoughts.

But why doesn't Harry ever notice me? Notice my love for him?

Everything was starting to give me a headache. I stabbed my eggs with more force.

"Ginny? Are you all right? Or did your eggs offend you in some way?" It was Hermione. She cared about my feelings. At last someone did.

"I'm fine," I answered, in what I hoped had been a reassuring voice. Hermione's reaction guaranteed me that it wasn't convincing enough. I glared at my eggs.

"You don't look fine."

"I can't tell you."

"Why not? Does this have to do with Harry?"

How did she guess? Of course it had to do with Harry! "No," I retorted, not knowing why I was lying to Hermione, "why would it?"

"I know you still love him."

Love. Hermione said it was love, while I was always trying to convince myself that it wasn't. I stabbed at my eggs again, choosing my words carefully. "Do I really? No one else seems to think so."

Hermione laughed out loud to this, causing me to rip the eggs apart. "What's so funny?" I demanded, narrowing me eyes at her.

"You!" she cried. "Do you honestly expect Harry to believe that you love him? I mean, this is Harry we're talking about. Best friend of Ron Weasley. They have more in common than you might think. Besides, Ron is convinced that's it's just a silly crush. How could he even suspect that his little sister actually loves someone with all her heart, especially his best friend? He's probably had Harry convinced that it's just a crush for The Boy Who Lived. Aggravating, Ron can be sometimes. Could you please pass the butter?"

Passing the butter to Hermione, I mused, "Perhaps... I suppose you're right." I looked down at my eggs, thoughtfully, as though I was considering having mercy on them. Hmm, well, they had been eggs at some point in time, though they didn't really look it now. "But, do you think Harry loves me?"

Of course by that point, Ron was already dragging Harry into the hall. "Give him time," Hermione rushed, eyeing Ron and Harry, "Maybe, things will have a strange way of working out." And then Ron and Harry reached the table. Hermione changed the subject so they wouldn't be suspicious.

"Did you see the Quidditch match yesterday - Ravenclaw versus Hufflepuff? Marvelous match, wasn't it? Cho and Madeline - " Madeline was the new Seeker for Hufflepuff " - played great! I was very surprised that Madeline had caught the Snitch, I was sure Cho would have caught it, but she did have other things on her mind," Hermione stopped there, realizing what she had said, and covered her mouth quickly. Harry was sitting beside her, and he had paled considerably. He stood up to go, but Hermione grabbed his arm before he could go anywhere. "Harry, I'm sorry I said that. But in any case, you shouldn't be moping about like this. It's not healthy."

Harry pulled his arm from her and turned to go.

"Harry, you deserve much better than this," I hear myself say. Wait, I was talking to him? Might as well continue... "After all you've suffered, you shouldn't have to go through pain like this. I heard what she said yesterday. She let you off easy." Okay, why was I talking to Harry about this like this? I must be insane... "Why do you love her?" I'd always wanted to know the answer to that, but why now? Why was I doing this to him?

'Payback time, no? Get a little revenge on him for ignoring you? Make him notice you?'

"And, Harry," I sobbed, "You have You-Know-Who after you... you shouldn't let Cho distract you!"

Harry did not turn around to face me. "Don't let Cho distract me? She wasn't." He paused. "You don't know anything about me and Cho." I'd never heard Harry talk to anyone like this. His voice was deep, thick, and angry.

My voice was low and thick, too. Harry had struck deep chords, causing vibrations in my soul that were not a comforting tune.

"And what don't I know?" I hissed. "Love is a distraction. I've been distracted ever since I - " Stop. "What more do I need to know? She doesn't love you. Would you want to force her to pretend?" Tears flooded my eyes, anger warmed my cheeks, as I confronted him and confided in him at the same time. I whispered to him, "Do you know what it's like? To devote your heart to someone for years and have them never so much as glance at you? How can you not notice what was right there? How could you never notice me? I've been nothing to a shadow to you. But a shadow always stays with its master."

With those last words, I turned on my heel and left the Great Hall before Harry could even respond, careful not to look at his face or to listen to any reaction.

})({

I couldn't concentrate in Transfiguration class. The only thing I found interesting were the gray clouds outside. The weather always seemed to reflect how I felt, but perhaps this was just a coincidence. Or, maybe I reflected the weather. Maybe it was the grayness of everything that caused me to feel so much pain and sadness. The raindrops splattering on the cold, glass panes seemed to be all my thoughts. So many were swirling around inside my head, so many falling and pounding inside my skull.

Maybe things will have a strange way of working out.

Not after this morning. Now, I wasn't a "nobody" to Harry anymore. He probably hated me, probably despised me. I wouldn't blame him; he had every right to hate me. That didn't stop it from hurting. I wanted to take back my words. Maybe I had frightened him. Not even Ron had seen me explode like that. Not really explode... more like steam and hiss. When I was angry, I was cold and I spoke in a cold voice.

"Miss Weasley? Are you paying attention?" Professor McGonagall asked. Blushing, I nodded my head and tried to pay attention to the lesson. No such luck would come to me, though. My words to Harry were echoing in my mind; Harry's words were reverberating in my soul. What did he know? He barely even talked to me, barely even noticed I was there. What did he know about love? Nothing. He had no idea I loved him with all my heart...

'No, no, no! You don't love him. You cannot love him because if you do it will only cause you heartbreak.

Perhaps I should just make him happy. Then, maybe he'll see how I love him, or at least, if he's happy, things can go back to normal...

Normal is better than what there is now, I realized. Back then Harry didn't notice me. I'd rather have that than have him hate me. Or would I? This was attention I was getting, shouldn't I use it to my own advantage? No! Stupid, that would be cruel and heartless and selfish.

Then it's settled. Set him back up with Cho.

Yes, that's what I would do. My heart was breaking, but I knew it was for the better. Things could only go one way. Things would have to remain the same. Harry and Cho it would be - forever.