On Her Mind

On Her Mind

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I'm thinking about you again. I sent Hedwig out to get some answers. I'm sick and tired of nobody telling me what's going on. Voldemort has returned, and I'm still stuck here on Privet Drive, just like every summer. Well, I'm bloody fed up with it. I can't understand why Dumbledore always insists on me coming back here. It's like he takes some kind of pleasure in seeing me miserable. I just feel so terribly alone, so abandoned. At least if I was with you and Ron, I would have someone to talk to. I have half a mind to jump on the Knight Bus again and head straight to the Burrow. Ron would be happy to see me at least. I wonder if that's where you are. I wish you were here with me; you always make me feel better about things.

I just hope I get invited somewhere soon, I can't bear the thought of staying here until the start of term. Ron's mum said they would send for me, but I haven't heard anything from them. I haven't heard anything from you, either. After the way last year ended, I don't think I could have made it without you and Ron. Being that close to death makes you really look at life differently. It could just as easily have been me instead of Cedric. He had just as close of friends as I did, and he had Cho. At least he had told the girl he loved how he felt about her, that's more than I can say. There just hasn't been a good time for it. Every time I get up the courage to say something, disaster strikes. You really should have never gotten so close to me. I can't stand the thought of you getting hurt because of me. I can't help myself though, I can't stop being in love with you.

She's wearing the tee-shirt

Of a band I really like

Maybe that's coincidence

Maybe that's alright

I keep thinking about the way

She said "I'll see you soon."

Was it more than words?

I can still see your face. We're standing at the train station, and we are both sating out good-byes to everyone. I had just gotten done saying good-bye to Ron and turned around to see you. It struck me how stupid I've been. Well, maybe not stupid, maybe just unobservant. I've grown up with Dudley my entire life, and nothing has ever changed my opinion of him. With you though, it was like I was seeing you for the first time. It wasn't because your teeth were different, or because you were wearing Muggle clothes, or anything like that. It was something...intangible. It was like I was finally able to really appreciate a painting, or a sculpture. I had always thought you were cute, but now I knew that was wrong of me. You were not cute, you were beautiful. And when you said "I'll see you soon" and kissed me on the cheek, I thought I might cast a Patronus without even meaning to. I know it didn't mean much to you, but to me, it was everything.

Up until then, I had convinced myself that I just had a simple little crush on you. I told myself that you were my best friend, who just happened to be a girl, and that feeling the way I did about you was wrong. It was all like what Ginny had for me back in second year. That's why I tried to be so sensitive with her, because I was going through the same thing. I told myself that our relationship with one another was perfectly normal. Sure, we were together nearly twenty four hours a day, seven days a week, but that's not unusual. And yes, we risked our lives together, and spent the bulk of our summers together. And yes, I do love you. Damn.

I'm just trying to find

What's on her mind?

I don't know when I'll see her

But I'm sure that I will

It's just another matter of time

Some more time to kill

I can remember your face when Dumbledore brought me up to the hospital wing after the third task last year. Everything had been so insane that night. I had nearly been killed, twice, seen my parents again, and brought Cedric's dead body back with me. I'm glad Dumbledore told everyone to give me some space; I don't think I could have talked to anyone then. Everyone was staring at me, like I was some kind of tragic figure for them to pity. I focused on one face, the only one I knew I could lose myself in. It was your face, Hermione. I saw the tears in your eyes, and I knew I could never be with you. I could never be responsible for you to be in such pain.

I try to think about before all these things happened, back when we were just starting school. I had met Ron first, and we were so wrapped up in each other's world. And then you came in. Neither of us knew what to make of you. It didn't have so much to do with the fact that you were smarter than we were, although you very much are, but because you were a girl. Neither of us had any real experience with girls. It wasn't until that Halloween that the three of us seemed to really bond. Good thing we did, it wasn't long after that we had to save the Sorcerer's Stone. I couldn't have done that without you. I couldn't have done anything I've ever done without you. I can't even imagine my life without you in it.

I can imagine so many things

Her and I sometime in the spring

...Something's happening

I'm just trying to find

What's on her mind?

I think that my feelings for you started all the way back in second year. We were only twelve, but we had risked our lives together, and it seemed to make us older than our years. Ginny's crush on me was a distraction, making my emerging feelings for you all the more confusing. Ginny loved me, I loved you, it was all like a farce. I was able to laugh about it, until I saw you petrified. For a while, I thought I had lost you forever. I imagined a life without you, and it shook me. I hadn't been that scared when I had faced Voldemort. I think that's what helped me get through that next battle against him and the Basilisk. I told myself that I had to survive so I could see you again. I've thought of that a lot since then.

I regret so many things. I regret not saying something to you about how I feel. It's too late now though, you've got Viktor. I can't blame him, loving you is easy. I was too busy wasting my time with Cho, I never thought about what I already had in front of me. I think I liked the idea of trying with Cho, because I knew she and I would never be and that I'd never get that close to her. It was my out, my safety. My attempts would fail, but I could say I tried. I loathed myself too much to ever consider a healthy relationship. When you said you were going to the Yule Ball, I thought you were just saying it to keep me and Ron from asking you. For you, it would have been like going to the prom with your brother or something. I didn't know that you were going with Krum, but I guess it didn't matter. Anyone would have been better than going with me.

I want peace but I don't make it

I want love but I don't give it

I want hope but I can't find it

And I want her to heal me

She's wearing the tee-shirt

Of my favorite band

I should have told her

That I was a fan

Skeeter's article didn't make things any easier for me either. I'd been handling my feelings for you pretty well, and then she had to write and say that we were a couple. I knew you'd be embarrassed by it. I tried to convince everyone I hadn't said it, that it was all a joke. I wish it hadn't been. I thought it might have been a good time to tell you how I felt, but I remembered that I wasn't the only one who had feelings for you. Ron wasn't just mad because of my being in the tournament, he didn't like how concerned you were for me, and how much time we had been spending together, alone. I've tried to talk to him about you, but he'll never admit his feelings. I'd love for the two of you to get together, I guess. I would know that you ended up with someone who could take care of you. I wish I could be that person, but I don't see how I ever can be.

So, here I am in my bedroom. The Dursleys have all gone out to dinner and left me behind. I certainly don't miss them, as they rarely acknowledge my existence when they are here. I really do wish you could be with me. I find myself relying on you more and more, and it frightens me. All this stuff about Voldemort is driving me crazy. On top of that, two dementors showing up and attacking Dudley and I have just about made things unbearable. I don't care what my Aunt said, tomorrow morning I'm going to leave here. I don't know where I'll go, but anywhere is better than here. I've had it! Wait, what was that noise downstairs?

People say I should just leave it be

Leave it up to destiny

But that ain't for me

I'm just trying to find

What's on her mind?