Harry Potter and the Year that Changed Everything

Harry Potter and the Year that Changed Everything (24)

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Chapter Twenty-Four: Risque Business

"I'm just not sure this is a good idea, Fred."

Harry Potter, recent graduate of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, had faced more in his relatively short amount of time on the planet than most did in the entirety of their lives. His courage was unmatched and his power unlimited. However, despite all of this, there were some areas of the unknown that could still strike fear into even his stout heart.

"Come on, Harry! It's tradition, isn't it? A bloke getting married without having a bachelor party is like...like..."

"A really good idea?"

"No, it's like one of mum's meals without gravy. It just wouldn't be natural. Actually, come to think of it mum's cooking is a good way to explain this to you, young Harry."

Harry's expression went from dubious to confused.

"Your mum is going to cater the bachelor party?"

Fred and George both smacked Harry on the back of the head. The dual impact nearly caused him to topple over.

"Course she's not going to cater our bachelor party! You don't have meat pies and treacle tarts at a bachelor party, you muffin! It's strictly alcohol driven depravity at such events, Harry me lad."

"George, you realize you aren't that much older and I am, right?"

George and Fred both shook their heads in unsurprising unison.

"Physically perhaps, but we've both experienced a great deal in life, Harry."

Harry's face fell.

"Yeah, I wouldn't know anything about life experiences, would I?"

This statement caused the twins to look daunted for the slightest of moments before returning to their argument.

"All the more reason to have one more footloose romp before being chained down for the rest of your life, Harry. You could all do with some questionable moral good times, right Neville?"

Neville, who had been purposely trying to remain out of the conversation, nearly dropped his bottle of butterbeer at the mention of his name.

"Uh, well, you see, I really don't want to get into any trouble."

Fred laughed in disbelief.

"Trouble? Are you mad? You blokes are the heroes of the wizarding world! You could convert the Ministry of Magic into a knocking shop for the night and nobody would say a word about it. Who would you possibly get into trouble with?"

Neville suddenly looked as scared as the first time he had lost his toad on the Hogwarts Express.

"Ginny, that's who. She got mad at me once because she saw some girl on the Knight Bus that I would have supposedly found attractive if I had been there. She's completely unreasonable about this sort of thing!"

All the other boys laughed as Neville continued to worry himself into a near panic. Ron suddenly remembered something.

"Wait, Neville, didn't you get all upset that time at the Three Broomsticks?"

Neville's face changed as he recalled his anger at the incident in question.

"That was totally different. That bloke kept trying to talk to her."

"He was taking her order, Neville!"

"I didn't like the way he was looking at her."

"The geezer had to be 125 if he was a day!"

"Then he shouldn't be looking at young girls any way!"

Neville was now becoming quite red in the face. Even Ron was able to deduce there was something more wrong than met the eye.

"Neville, why does it bother you so much, and yet you can't understand why Ginny feels the same way?"

"Because... because Ginny could have any guy she wants. What kind of bird is going to try and chat me up, eh?"

An awkward silence fell over the group for a moment before George tried once again to convince the trio that they needed a chance to live it up one last time.

"Look, here's what we're saying, lads. Ginny, Hermione, and Luna are all beautiful ladies, and I'm sure when you finally get a chance to be with them it will be everything you've hoped it would be. However, wouldn't you like one last chance to see what else is on the menu before you order your last meal?"

Harry was lost.

"And how exactly does your mum's cooking factor into this?"

Fred sighed.

"Mum's treacle tart is amazing, right?"

"It's beyond amazing."

"Could you eat it every night for a week?"

"I have done."

"True. How about every single night for the rest of your life? Only treacle tart, mind you. No trifle or pumpkin pie, just the tart."

"Well, I guess after a while I would get tired of it."

Fred and George both grinned in triumph.

"Same with your future wives, mate. You'll never know what else is out there if you don't take this last chance to see the wonderful variety that the female form comes in."

The combination of food and naked women in the same conversation caught Ron's attention.

"He may have a point, Harry. It couldn't hurt to watch some gals take their kit off. I mean, it is a tradition and all."

Harry still wasn't completely swayed.

"I don't know. Neville, what do you think?"

Neville looked torn.

"I don't think we should. The girls wouldn't stand for the idea of us looking at other girls in the altogether."

George had already planned for this possibility.

"Oh, I don't think they'll mind. They'll probably be too busy at their bachelorette party."

All three boys looked stunned.

"Bachelorette party?"

Fred quickly took advantage of the trios impaired state.

"That's traditional as well, of course. While George and I show you lot a good time, Parvarti and Padma will be doing the same for the ladies. In fact, the girls all took to the idea right away, unlike you bunch of lace doilies."

Fred actually had no idea how the girls would take to the idea but a little lie wouldn't hurt. Besides, it was for the greater good. Or something like that.

Neville took the bait.

"Oh, they did, did they? Count me in, then."

George clapped his hands together in delight. All eyes now turned toward Harry.

"Well, Harry?"

Harry knew he was being conned. He would have known if Luna had agreed to such a thing. Still, Ron and Neville had often gotten the short end of the stick and deserved a break from worrying about Voldemort. He only hoped he wouldn't live to regret his decision.

"Fine, we'll have a bachelor party."

Fred and George both patted their friend on the back and smiled maniacally.

"Harry, put your mind at ease. Trust us, we'll take care of everything."

That was exactly what Harry was afraid of.

MEANWHILE

"I've never heard of any traditions dealing with witches and bachelorette parties. Are you sure you're not just making this up, Parvarti?"

Hermione, as was her nature, was immediately skeptical of anything she hadn't already read about in at least three trustworthy sources. Fortunately, Parvarti and Padma knew this.

"I assure you that my sister speaks the truth, Hermione. In fact, back in our country it is considered a rite of passage. Our society is known for it."

Hermione frowned.

"Your 'society', as you call it, is also known for arranged marriages and tolerance of bigamy."

Parvarti faltered a bit before regaining her composure.

"True, but we're with Fred and George. Do you think that any sane parent would have 'arranged' something like that?"

Hermione had to concede that they had a point on that one. While she pondered the point Ginny took the opportunity to voice her own feelings on the matter.

"I think it's a great idea! Growing up with so many brothers I've seen and heard enough objectifying towards us girls to last a lifetime. Just for once, I'd like to be the one doing the objectifying. Let's see how our boys stack up against some competition."

"What's sauce for the nargle is sauce for the bowtruckle."

Everyone froze in their actions in order to look towards the source of the non sequitur. Not surprisingly it had come from...

"Luna, what are you talking about?"

Luna looked towards Ginny and smiled her familiar dreamy smile.

"Well, it stands to reason, doesn't it? If we are being invited to a night of debauchery, surely the men will be partaking as well."

Suddenly, Ginny didn't seem nearly as enthusiastic.

"They wouldn't dare."

Parvarti and her sister shared a nervous glance.

"Actually, they are. Fred and George are handling theirs, we're handling yours."

Ginny's face hardened.

"You mean some slags are going to be shaking their skanky arses in front of OUR men? In front of MY Neville?"

Padma began looking around for potential exit routes.

"Um...well...yes."

Ginny released a torrent of profanity that would have made any of her brothers proud and her mother faint.

"Just who are these sluts going to be, anyway? If it's that one bitch from the Knight Bus, I swear to Christ I'll..."

Parvarti raised her hands in an effort to calm down the now ranting redhead.

"No, I promise it won't be anyone slutty or skanky. Well, not overly so. With Harry being involved in this we had to clear everything through Dumbledore and Moody first."

Hermione gasped.

"You mean you actually talked to Dumbledore and Moody about this? I should hope that they tried to talk some sense into you!"

Padma nodded.

"Yeah, they did. Dumbledore suggested getting the booze from his brother rather than buying it wholesale. Moody said it was a shame that Dung was dead. He said that he could always be counted on to get his hands on some hooch that had fallen off the back of a broom."

Hermione's eyes went as wide as saucers.

"WHAT? Is that all they said?"

Parvarti grinned.

"Well, I think they were both fishing for an invite to the bachelor party, but that wasn't going to happen. They did give us the green light, though... under one condition."

Luna's eyebrow rose in curiosity.

"And what's that?"

The twin sisters stole a quick glance at one another. The moment of truth had arrived.

"Moody said that security had to be kept tight. He kept rambling on about 'constant vigilance'. He wouldn't trust any outsiders getting that close to all of you, so we had to pick people who had already signed an oath of loyalty to you. That meant that..."

All three of the future brides jumped in at the same time with the answer.

"YOU'RE USING THE DA?"

Parvarti winced at the volume of the outburst.

"Uh...yes... we are."

Hermione was shaking her head faster than it should have been humanly possible to do so.

"No, no way. How are we supposed to face our friends again with the knowledge that our husbands have seen them naked?"

Padma took a step back from the agitated brunette before her.

"Settle down, Hermione. Think of it logically. Wouldn't you rather have it be people you trust than some total stranger?"

Hermione, somewhat calmed by the mentioning of thinking logically, thought the proposition over in her head.

"How many of them went along with this?"

Parvarti pulled a piece of parchment from her pocket.

"All of them, actually. We're giving you the option to choose who you'd want. We've decided on six girls for them and six boys for us. So, do any of you have any suggestions on who we pick?"

Hermione thought over the DA members and decided on the one she felt the least threatened by.

"I suppose Hannah Abbott would be fine. She's likely the most intelligent of the remaining girls, and I've never known her to be overly flirtatious to any of our boys. I'd be ok with her."

Parvarti scribbled Hannah's name on the parchment.

"Ok, that's one picked. Luna, do you have any preferences?"

Each person present expected a different answer from Luna. These expected answers ran the gamut from "I don't care" to "on top." None of them were correct.

"I think Lavender would be a good choice."

Parvarti didn't even notice dropping her quill. Ginny immediately became apoplectic.

"LAVENDER? Have you lost your mind? More blokes have woken up to her than their alarm clocks! She goes around with her tits hanging out all the time as it is!"

Unfazed, Luna looked at Ginny as if she had merely pointed out the current weather conditions.

"She does, doesn't she? There must be a V-neck shortage in parts of the world because of her. They are quite large, aren't they? Poor Colin saw her doing jumping jacks to keep warm one day last winter and had to be taken to Madam Pomfrey. And, yes, she does have a reputation for being receptive to suggestion. That's why I think she'd be an excellent choice. The boys know what kind of girl she is, too. Wizards don't have a cure for herpes either, you know."

Ginny conceded the point. Even her brother, by far the weakest morally of the three males, knew enough to steer clear of Lavender.

"Yeah, I guess you're right. I don't have any suggestions, personally. Can't we just stick with those two?"

Parvarti picked up her quill and scribbled down Lavender's name.

"Nope, we have to have six. That's how many guys I asked for, so it has to be even. If nobody else has any preferences I'll just pick the next four who signed up, ok?"

The three girls nodded their heads in agreement.

"All right, the next one who signed up was..."

"Anybody have any problems with her?"

None of them did.

"Harry and Ron have both changed with them for Quidditch so they've already seen them in bra and panties before."

"She seemed excited about it, really. Is she ok with you, Luna?"

Luna smiled in her characteristically dreamy way.

"Yes, that's fine. I know she used to fancy Harry, but that was in the past. Besides, I can give him something she never could."

Padma smiled.

"A lifetime of devotion and happiness?"

Luna shook her head.

"Deep throat. Poor Cho has a hair trigger gag reflex. She threw up all over Cedric after the Yule Ball. I remember seeing him running from her dorm room. The poor boy never could face porridge again after that night."

The girls all decided that they had planned enough for one day.

MEANWHILE

"Right, now that we've got all that settled we need to select the male dancers."

Ron's face went pink.

"I don't want to see a bunch of bollocks flopping about!"

Fred gave his brother a solid slap on the back of his head.

"They won't be dancing for us, you muffin! We're picking the blokes who'll be dancing for the ladies. Moody and Dumbledore gave us their permission for all of this, but we have to use people we can trust."

Neville frowned.

"I'm surprised that Moody would trust anyone. Who did you manage to get?"

George smiled.

"Why, the DA, of course! They'd all wade through hell in August for Harry. On the plus side, I think we can be assured that also means they won't try anything. They all know how powerful our Harry is, so I doubt very seriously we'll have any problems with them. Fred and I picked the six we thought best."

Harry nodded in agreement. He was more than slightly relieved that he wouldn't have to pick them himself.

"All right, then. Who did you get?"

Fred pulled a list of names from his pocket and handed it to Harry.

As soon as Fred had finished reading the list Ron became agitated.

"What's Dean doing on there? That slimy git went out with Ginny! I don't want him waving his tackle around in front of her!"

Surprisingly, the other person in the room who would have been expected to join Ron in his indignation merely smirked at his outburst.

"Don't worry about it, Ron. Ginny has already seen what Dean has to offer. Actually, from what she told me he disproves the stereotype."

Ron now looked more puzzled than distraught.

"What stereotype? And what the hell do you mean she's already seen it? If that bastard took advantage of my baby sister, I'll..."

Neville rolled his eyes at his future brother-in-law. It was one of Ginny's traits that had rubbed off on him.

"Ron, your 'baby sister' can take care of herself. She broke up with Dean because he wanted to take things further than she did. He surprised her once by showing up for a date with his cloak on and nothing under it. She made it clear to him that they were over after that. I had always thought that her Bat Bogey hex just worked on the nose. I would have never imagined that any body opening would work."

All the males in attendance winced at the thought of bats springing forth from that particular location. Everyone, that is, except for Ron. He was too occupied with being proud of his sister.

"Good for her. Now, what about this stereotype you guys were talking about?"

Fred and George both sighed.

"We'll let you know when you're older, little bro. So, are we all in agreement that the show can go on?"

The three future husbands looked at one another before nodding, which in turn caused both twins to break out into identical devilish grins.

"Very good, gentlemen. From this moment, your voyage to manhood has officially begun!"