Gilbert O'Sullivan

Gilbert O'Sullivan

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"Blimey, all that meat and no potatoes."

I say this under my breath of course, no need to get two people over twenty stone mad at me. I don't know how Dudley managed to find a date that was as big as he is. Of course, the fact that he found a date at all is a reason to marvel. They won't have to fasten their seat belts in the car, that's for sure. With as crunched in as they'll be, there's no fear of them being thrown out. I hope Uncle Vernon went with the heavy duty shocks this time. Speak of the bloody devil.

"Boy! Don't stand there staring at Dudley's date like that. She's not a piece of meat." Uncle Vernon was now giving me the look that he usually gave when he noticed a patch of bird shit on his car.

"I wouldn't be so sure. If you sold those two by the kilo, you'd be rich." I had given up faking politeness to any of them. I knew that I'd be heading to the Burrow the next day.

"Shut it, you! Besides, at least Dudley has himself a date. The last time you had it was when it had you, boy." Uncle Vernon allowed himself a crude laugh and walked away.

What did he mean by that? Since what had me? Whatever, I don't care what he says. I could get a date if I wanted to. I certainly have a few girls back at Hogwarts that would go out with me. It's not my fault that everyone around here thinks I'm unbalanced.

Back in the magic world, I'm the man. Uncle Vernon should have seen some of the owls I got when my article appeared in The Quibbler. I may only have been fifteen, but some of those girls were in their twenties! That would show him. Of course, some of them were in their seventies, but he wouldn't have to know about those. I've got plenty of girls that want to be with me. It's not my fault that they don't know good music when they hear it.

I was in love with Gilbert O'Sullivan

But she was hung up on Cat Stevens and Donovan

So when I had to lump for one of them

I chose Mr. O'Sullivan

Hell, I had a girl in love with me when I was twelve! Dudley didn't even know what girls were at that age. Ginny was infatuated with me back then. Of course, that helped lead her to being possessed by Voldemort and nearly getting the both of us killed, but the fact remains that she was into me. It would never have worked out, though. She's the little sister of my best friend, and that would have made things very awkward. And when she said that she didn't care anything for Irish singers, well, that was the end of that.

I was in love with Gilbert O'Sullivan

But she dug the cool jazz of Gerry Mulligan

So if I had to shoot one or fuck the other one

I'd chose Mr. O'Sullivan

Parvarti was another one that would have been ripe for the picking if I'd have chosen to act. I mean, sure, she was only going with me because I was one of the champions, but uglier blokes than me have used fame to get some premium tail. I bet if I'd played my cards right, I could have got Padma in on things as well. Ron certainly wasn't going to get anywhere with her. Parvarti wouldn't have worked out either. That Ravi Shankar shit she listens to gets right on my wick.

Gilbert O'Sullivan is everything you could need

If you've got kids to baby sit or dogs to feed

And because he sang "Nothing Rhymed"

He'll always be a friend of mine

It's a shame that Seamus and Hermione are the only people in the whole damn school who appreciate real music. Cho certainly didn't. "Alone again, naturally" definitely held a new meaning after her. I was prepared to overlook the fact that she was an emotional roller coaster, and that she had more baggage than Heathrow, but when she tried to sell me on that Yanni queen, well, that was it for that. And then she has the cheek to complain to me about Hermione, my best friend in the world? Bloody cow. Hermione has forgotten more about music than she'll ever know.

Wait, that's it! Hermione! She's always telling me that she'd rather listen to my old records than any of that damn Top of the Pops bollocks. How did I not see this before? The only thing that bastard Krum listened to was Blur. How could she have ever seen anything in him? No, she's destined to be mine now. The time has come to employ the greatest magic possible to make Hermione love me. Yes, the time has come to make Hermione a mixed tape! She'll never be able to resist me now! Thank you, Gilbert O'Sullivan!

I could never lose Gilbert O'Sullivan

But she loved the skiffle blues of Lonnie Donegan

So when it came to pick who I wanted then

I chose Gilbert O'Sullivan