Hide Away

Hide Away

Chapter 6- The truth about Ginny

As soon as I landed on my bed, I screamed and cried into my pillow. Of course, no one could hear me since my face was buried into the pillow, but that didn't matter.

I cried and cried until the pillow became soaking wet. Snowflake saw me crying and came and curled up beside me, but since I was kicking my feet and screaming so loud, she got scared and ran away.

I cried until no more tears would come.

I hated Malfoy; I didn't know why on earth I had to be working for him.

Everything in my life had been difficult enough with it being more complicated by working for that git.

I got up and everything was moving. I didn't know what was happening to me, and then I remembered all the screaming I did.

It probably didn't do any good to my blood pressure, which stayed high anyways.

I summoned some fruit and some pills to me. I did have some medicine, in case of emergencies like these.

I didn't feel much better so I decided that it was time I went to a healer. I checked my watch and saw that it was six thirty. Hermione would probably be home by now.

Since she was a healer and worked at St. Mungos, I was always scared that whenever my diabetes acted up, I would see her. But I always waited until her shift was over and then went.

I mustered all the strength I had, which wasn't much and apparated to St. Mungos.

I reached there in one minute and then collapsed in the foyer.

Some healers were walking by and saw me on the ground with my eyes closed.

They magic-ed me up and took me to my healer, whose name was Sara Pomfrey.

They put me on a bed, where I was too weak to move from.

Sara entered and frowned when she saw me.

At that point, I could barely keep my eyes open so I just tried to smile.

She stood beside me and said, "What happened, Ginny?"

I shrugged, or tried to at least. "I don't know. I feel very dizzy and tired though."

She nodded and then helped me drink a potion. It went down my throat bubbling and scalding.

I sputtered, and then rested my head back down on the pillow.

She looked at me seriously and said, "Ginny, how many times do you eat a day?"

I closed my eyes and said, "I don't know, maybe three or four."

"Don't lie, Ginny. There's a truth serum in that potion I gave you. It makes your lips turn purple if you lie," she said.

I opened my eyes frantically and saw her smiling.

"I was only joking, but I can see that you don't eat enough," she said. "Eating is very important, Ginny. I know you're busy and stressed out, but you need to take time out to eat, no matter what is happening. Otherwise some very bad things could happen."

I nodded. "I try. I really do, but I get so busy and overwhelmed that I can't."

She nodded and said, "I want you to make an effort, and otherwise we'll have to insert food into you- some other way."

I gulped; I didn't like the sound of that. "I will, Sara. I will try."

She smiled and said, "Good, now I want you to stay in bed for one day and rest."

I jumped up, "I can't do that! I've got to go to work."

"Not tomorrow you don't," she said. "I'm going to very firm about this, Ginny. You need to get better, or next time the consequences could be much worse."

I nodded and she said, "Give me the name of your boss and I'll owl them. Ok?"

I nodded and said, "Draco Malfoy."

Her eyebrow went up and a smile tugged about her lips. "You're working for him? How lucky!"

I shrugged and she took out her wand.

"Think of your bed, Ginny," she said. "I'm going to send you there."

I smiled; I could gladly do that. I thought hard of my comfy bed and the next thing I knew, I fell softly on my pillows and sheets.

***

The next morning, I woke up and felt something soft sleeping beside me.

I opened my eyes and saw snowflake curled up beside me. I smiled and rubbed her back.

I yawned; I felt a bit better today. I wasn't dizzy anymore but I was still weak. I checked the clock beside my bed and saw that it was seven o'clock.

I smiled to myself; even when I was sick or very tired, I still woke up really early.

I got up from bed, slowly and then walked to the bathroom.

I brushed my teeth and washed my face.

I then made my way to the kitchen and made myself some breakfast. After I was full, I went back to my bed and spent the morning laying in bed and reading.

It was great, I tell you. There was nothing to worry about and nothing to think about.

Well that isn't entirely true. I had a lot on my mind and couldn't stop thinking.

I hate myself. I truly do. The thought occurred to me when my mum died and I was forced to live alone.

I've so much time alone, that I don't know who I have become. I seem so unknown, even to myself. But when I'm around other people, I can't help but feel strange and awkward. I hate the way I act and talk. I hate the way I try to act in control when I'm not.

Yesterday wasn't a big deal, but because of the stupid way I am, I messed it up. It wasn't big deal. I mean, yeah sure Draco embarrassed me but I didn't have to push him and yell mean things at him.

But then I hate the way I'm so nice, or try to be nice. I don't have any gut and I let people walk all over me. So many people have manipulated and duped me, and I never do anything about it and I hate it.

When you're forced to live alone, you start to hate yourself.

Tears started trickling out of my eyes then.

All the time, I feel so alone; it's unbearable. There are no words to describe how I feel.

I just don't know who I am anymore. The lonely part of me grows stronger and stronger each and every day, and that's why I've begun to hate myself.

There's no one who's there for me, or cares deeply about me. Sure there's Ron, but he's got a family and wife to support.

There's Hermione, Harry, Luna, Neville and Medea but those people drift in and out of my life.

They say they care about me, but there's truly no one who understands me or hears me.

So many times, during meetings at work, I'll say something but no one hears it.

I try to tell myself that they just didn't hear, but the truth is that they don't listen to me. Nobody does. I mean they sure hear what I'm saying, but they don't really listen to me.

It's like I'm invisible and everyone is continuing with their lives, and nobody notices I'm missing. No one is listening to me and I'll be screaming at the top of my lungs.

There's no one to ask me or care if I'm tired, hungry or sleepy. I tell so many people, but they don't care.

I've thought and felt these feeling so many times, that they seem as familiar as a best friend.

It's like I'm hidden behind a cloud of my own lies and deception. I'm trying to ask people for help to get me out, but no one hears me. I want to get out, I want to be happy, I want to be wanted, I want to be loved, I want to be cared about, but I feel like these things are not within reach of me.

I try to be optimistic every day and tell myself to make the best out of life, but I can't hide myself from the truths that seem to be chasing me for so many years now.

No one will care if I don't eat or don't sleep. No one will care if I eat tons of sugar and pass out. No one will care if I'm tired or my feet are killing me. No one will care if I come home or if I roam the streets. No one cares if I live another day or if I die. No one.

It's not now that I've felt this way. I've felt this way my whole life, even when my parents and family was alive. Then, I felt like nothing I did was good enough for anyone.

The grades I got in school, the things I said, my opinions, my thoughts, nothing was good enough for my family or my parents.

My family was so big that I got lost in the crowds. I was part of the family, and I loved my family, but I was the end kid. The one no one noticed; the one that you saw but didn't look at. The one you heard, but didn't listen to.

At family dinners, I'd try to say something, but my parents would never listen. They would be so engrossed in things the twins or Percy did. I never got a chance to speak.

Whenever I had a problem, Mum would act like she cared and was listening, but you could see that her mind was a million miles away.

I stopped asking her for help and telling her my problems. No one even knew what I was like, or that I had a personality.

That's why I read. I feel like I get sucked into the book, and that the characters are actually my friends. This may sound stupid, but when I was younger, I would pretend to talk to them and act like I was part of them.

Everyone made fun of me, but that was the only way I felt like I was living. When I read, I could be happy and alive, something I didn't feel when I didn't read.

My dreams, my thoughts, my opinions are valued there and I feel wanted and loved, something I've never felt like in real life.

This is the way I've felt for my entire life and I know it won't change. I'm tired though. Tired of life, tired of my loneliness, tired of being unwanted and alone.

I hate myself, and I won't stop. Being alone for twenty- two years has done that to me.

I feel that if one person came along, one person who cared about me, my life would change. But that's not ever going to change- ever.

There's no one in this world that'd want to be with me or want to make me happy.

That's a fact and it's never going to change.

I got up off my bed and ate lunch, at twelve thirty.

I lay on my couch reading, for the entire afternoon.

I ate my dinner and then went to sleep at nine o'clock, drowning myself in my sleep so I could forget everything.