A Reason Why

A Reason Why

It's always the same. You never notice how much pair work the teachers here at Hogwarts assign until suddenly you don't have a partner. All through the first six years of school, the Marauders paired off together; Sirius and James, Remus and me. It was routine. It was natural.

Then, a little way into seventh year, everything changed. Lily Evans finally gave into James Potter and they became the couple of the school. At first, I was happy for James. We all hung around together that weekend as one big group. Then it was Monday, which meant Potions. After walking through the door into the classroom, James sat next to his new love, leaving an empty space next to Sirius. I should have seen it coming, but it still hurt when Sirius reached out an arm and yanked Remus into the vacant seat.

My partner had been stolen, and I was alone.

I didn't mind much for the first lesson. I sat next to a perfectly civil Ravenclaw, and after class my friends were there to apologise and promise that next time one of them would be the one to take another partner. I believed them. Why shouldn't I? I had looked up to them for six years. Sirius was so popular and confident, James was funny and always had time for his friends, and Remus was clever and loyal. And they let me hang around with them. Me, who would never be confident, never be clever, never be funny. I accepted my place as tag-a-long soon after our group had been formed, and ever since I have been grateful to the other Marauders for their company. When I was with them, I could pretend that I was popular. Clever, sneaky and popular.

The next lesson was History of Magic, and everything was normal. I sat on one end, studiously taking notes next to Remus. On his left sat Sirius, snoring softly. On his left was James, doodling on a scrap of parchment. For this lesson Lily sat with her friends, next to another Gryffindor, Martha.

After lunch was Defence Against the Dark Arts, and as James couldn't bear to curse Lily, he partnered Sirius, leaving me with Remus as usual. Remus beat me easily, his duelling style quick and polished. For once, I was happy about having been beaten. I thought things were back to normal, and was perfectly happy to count the Potions incident as a small glitch. Some glitch.

Life continued over the course of the year, but by Christmas I was feeling alienated by my 'friends'. Lily and James had only grown closer, so Sirius always picked Remus as his partner. I never heard another 'I'll have a different partner next lesson, Peter.'

It must have been obvious, looking back, but at the time his suggestion was totally out of the blue. Lucius cornered me after Potions, after the Marauders had predictably forgotten to wait for me. He explained how he had noticed I was being slowly excluded, and that my friends didn't seem to care about me, and offered me the comfort and security of another group of friends. I was different from the other Gryffindors, as I had never hated the Slytherins. They are just another group of people, and I can see the sense in some of their ideas. It seemed perfect to me; I got new friends, and at the same time, I showed up the Marauders by befriending their worst enemies. I accepted, though Lucius said it might be wise to appear to still be friends with the Marauders. That was because, when the blow fell, it would hurt even more. I agreed.

My friendship with the Slytherins blossomed, and I began to trust them more than I trusted my former friends. Unlike Black, they never looked down on me. Unlike Potter, they never pranked me. I had nothing in particular against Remus, other than the fact that he had chosen Black and Potter over me, and I couldn't really blame him for that. During fifth and sixth year I couldn't mention it, but I confided my fears of the wolf in him to Severus, the only other student who knew what terror I felt of him. I knew he wouldn't attack me as a rat, but that's difficult to remember when his teeth are the size of your head. He didn't see me as weak for my fear.

If the Marauders noticed I was stretching away and refusing to participate in name-calling and pranks, they didn't seem to care. One thing that worked in my favour was that they would never suspect I was a spy. I was just weak, snivelling Peter.

I became a spy near the end of the school year. It was May; we had just taken our NEWTs when Lucius approached me and asked that his Lord had requested that I spy on the Marauders. He was very interested in the Potter family, apparently, and after having killed James' parents earlier that year (I had pretended to sympathise, but Lily and Sirius seemed to cover the 'cry on my shoulder' role, so I wasn't really needed) he had turned his attentions to the only son. James was protected at Hogwarts, but within a matter of months he would leave the protected walls. Lord Voldemort planned to drive his fiancée, Lily, to madness with grief at the death of her husband. I had been 'ecstatic', of course, when James had proposed in April.

My spying continued after we had graduated from school and, at Lord Voldemort's invitation, through Lucius, I became a Death Eater, proud to serve my Master.

It was October 29^th, 1981 when the turning point came. I had been supplying information to my lord for years now, but my chance to truly please him came on that day. His frenzied search for the Potters had increased over the past year, yet he didn't say why. Nobody questioned him, though.

I was alone in my apartment that night, making myself some dinner, when Sirius apparated in. He had constantly bugged me about putting up anti-Apparition wards, with all the Dark Arts going on, but I had put it off. One, I didn't need to fear Death Eaters, being one myself; and two, it was incredibly expensive to pay a qualified wizard to perform the charm.

Sirius looked wild, longish hair that had worked its way out of his ponytail framing his face. His eyes darted about and, once satisfied that we were alone, he spoke.

"Wormtail, James and Lily are going into hiding with Harry. You know Voldemort's after them, and it's just become too dangerous. Lily's going mad with worry about Harry." I nodded, and he continued. "They need a Secret Keeper. They asked me, but I'm too obvious. Voldemort would come straight after me, and I don't know how long I'd be able to keep myself from telling. We can't take that risk." He was talking very fast, but paused and looked at me with those blue eyes. I've always hated them. It feels like he can see into you with them. It's always been him I feared figuring out my secret. There's no telling what he would do if...

He has a Slytherin's cruelty. It's paired with a Gryffindor recklessness and bravery. It's a dangerous combination; one that many Slytherins has been on the wrong side of.

He obviously found nothing amiss, as he looked away again and began talking at the same breakneck speed. "I suggested to Prongs that he use you. I know it's a lot to ask, Peter, but Voldemort's unlikely to think of you, and we trust you." Sirius must have seen the brightness lighting up my face, but probably dismissed it as pride that Potter would trust me with such a big responsibility. I made myself choke out a reply.

"What about Remus? Wouldn't he be the obvious second choice?"

"Of course, and therein lies the problem, Peter. He is the obvious second choice. Besides, I'm beginning to have some doubts about him. I hate to say it, but I think somebody's been passing information to Voldemort." He leaned closer, in a conspiratorial way. "I feel horrible for even suspecting him, but it's not me, and it's not you, and it obviously wouldn't be James or Lily. I'm running out of culprits, especially as Harry can't speak yet." He smiled weakly at his joke, but still looked faintly sick. "Will you do it, Peter? James is counting on you."

I smiled, and nodded. "Sure. You've all helped me so much, I can do this." Sirius' face broke out into a broad grin, and he reached over and ruffled my hair. I scowled, and batted his hand away, but before I could complain, he had once again Apparated out. I tried a Black smirk on for size. It almost fit.

The next day, Black came to collect me and we both Apparated to Hogwarts, where the charm was to be placed on me by Professor Flitwick.

I drifted in and out, idly nodding and smiling from time to time while Flitwick explained the nature, history and uses of the charm. It was like being back at school, only Black was actually paying attention. After almost an hour, Flitwick wrapped up his lecture and proceeded to perform the charm. I didn't feel any different. Black accompanied me to my hideout. He explained that he would collect my suitcases from my flat, and would check up on me every few days to see if I needed any shopping doing or anything. He added that he might arrive in different disguises to avoid anyone wondering why he kept visiting such a ramshackle, lonely shack on a cliff near the sea. He also instructed me never to open the door, except to him, whose ring at the doorbell would be accompanied by an owl hoot, and never to go outside, as the protection charms on the cottage only went so far. Eventually, he ran out of steam and left me, returning a few minutes later with my luggage before finall! y going home.

I curled up in bed that night, listening to the waves, but unable to sleep. I was too excited. Tomorrow I would take the news to my Lord that I knew where the Potters were hiding, and receive the bounty he promised to give me in return. I had decided that I would wait until the next day, in case Black returned unexpectedly.

The next day, I arose quite late after finally having dropped off. I got ready quickly, knowing there was no time to waste. I grabbed my bar of soap. I had decided the previous night to leave a message to Sirius on the mirror in the living room. Once the Potters were dead, he was bound to come and try to find me.

I unwrapped and wet the soap, then wrote:

TRICK or treat, Sirius?

Have you ever written on glass with a bar of soap? It works quite well, and as I didn't have any spray paint it was the best I could do. Plus, it doesn't run while it dries, so the letters didn't all smudge into each other and become unreadable. I praised myself for my ingenuity.

After writing the message, I left the house and walked about a quarter of a mile away. It was cold near the coast, growing dark with a slight drizzle in the air. When I was sure I was out of range of the anti-Apparition barrier, I disappeared with a loud crack, unheard by anyone but myself.

I Apparated into Lord Voldemort's outer lair. I showed my Death Eater symbol to the guards and explained that I had news I was certain our Master would like to hear. One of them escorted me to Lord Voldemort's room, and I entered alone.

I dropped into a bow immediately, and he bid me to rise. I stood and told my Lord the entire story of my being the Potter's Secret Keeper. He couldn't hide his excitement, and once again I wondered why James Potter and his Mudblood wife, rich but not important, were so important to the strongest wizard in centuries. But I did not ask.

"Legilimens!" Lord Voldemort entered my mind, and I freely let him. It was a new step of compliance to have your Master inside your mind. Satisfied that I was telling the truth, he withdrew, and smiled. He announced that he would go to Godric's Hollow that very night, and that I was to stay away, but not go back to my hideout. I would be a sitting duck there, waiting for Black's anger to come and tear me apart. I knew he was speaking sense, so I took off and spent most of the night in a bar down Knockturn Alley.

The next day it was all over the newspapers. Lily and James Potter were dead. But most of all: 'Harry Potter, boy of one, stops the evil You Know Who!' or 'Voldemort is gone - defeated by an infant!' and even, 'Hail Harry Potter - the Boy Who Lived!'

I was astonished. And scared. If Voldemort was gone, then I was without his protection. Even worse, I had bragged to other Death Eaters last night that I had found the quarry our master was searching for... in the very place where our master had met his downfall. It could be perceived that I had purposefully sent Lord Voldemort to his death. Oh yes, I was in big trouble.

Quickly, however, a plan began to take form in my mind. A plan worthy of Sirius Black, schemer extraordinaire. In fact, it relied quite heavily on the fact that he would come looking for me. I changed into my rat form, and took off out into Muggle London, choosing a busy place to stop and wait.

Some time later, I smelt the scent of Padfoot approaching and changed back into a man. I ran in the direction of that scent and met Sirius. I was crying. It wasn't difficult. All I had to do was dredge up the memories of the many times the man in front of me had embarrassed me, hurt me, stolen my partner.

"Lily and James, Sirius. How could you?" I yelled, and drew my wand. So did Black. One quick spell and I blasted the street behind me apart, cut off my finger, and transformed back into a rat. I didn't wait around to see Black be taken away to Azkaban, as I found out later. I left and soon found a wizarding family to take me in. I became the family's pet rat. I read in the papers that I had been awarded the Order of Merlin, First Class, which was given to my mother to console her, along with my finger, in news of my death. I also found that Black had been branded Voldemort's right-hand man, and had earned himself a lifetime's Azkaban sentence.

It hadn't been perfect. My master was gone, and I was forced to hide as a rat, but I had got back at all of my 'friends'. James and Lily were dead. Sirius was in Azkaban. Remus was alone.