It's Been Far Too Long

You first run into him again at an Order of the Phoenix meeting. At first he looks past you - back in school you had green hair and wore your nose longer, and it's not strange that he doesn't recognise you. He starts as he suddenly realises it's you and hurries forward, smiling and spreading his arms wide. You hug him tightly, saying it's been far too long. He laughs at the phrasing and you amend it to Wotcher, Bill. He ruffles your hair, just like he used to.

You sit beside each other during the meeting, exchange news and compare duties. Later, when the meeting is over, you stay behind and talk about everything that's happened in your life since you left Hogwarts. He asks why you never did come and visit him in Egypt and you laugh it away. The truth is, you were frightened. Frightened of how serious everything had suddenly become. You joked with him in school and kissed him occasionally. By going to Egypt you would admit to feelings deeper than anything either of you had hinted at before. You would commit, to something big and serious. And you were so young...

You agree to go out for dinner. You wear the face of Celestina Warbeck to avoid paying - sure enough, you meal is on the house. Bill laughs, says he recalls why he likes you so much. He calls you crazy, and you smile as if it were the greatest compliment in the world.

You go out for drinks afterwards and he tells you about Fleur. You tell him about Remus; something you haven't confessed to anyone else. You laugh at each other: foolishly in love with a Veela and a werewolf, one too young and the other too old.

You kiss as you say goodbye; a quick peck on the lips. Despite Remus, your stomach tingles a little.

...........................

During the following year you see each other often. You patrol Hogwarts, not seldom with each other, and you go out for dinner or coffee to talk about what is happening. You are both so frightened... The war comes closer by the day, and even in the school you can see it beginning. Young kids, already trapped in the same cycles of hate and destruction as their fathers and mothers.

He is injured during a battle, and you hardly leave the hospital as he recovers from his werewolf bites. Fortunately Remus spends most of his time there as well, so your being there does not seem strange. Fleur sits by Bill's side day and night and your heart goes out to her - yet you dislike her. Is it always thus, you wonder, when you meet an old love? Will you be forever jealous of the one who has replaced you?

Is he, in turn, jealous of Remus?

Time passes. Their wedding is splendid, and you find that you can kiss Fleur's cheek without wanting to slap her. You dance with Bill, and as he twirls you around... like he did at a school ball... a dance place in Hogsmeade... you say goodbye, or try to. Goodbye to a love from years ago, and the person you used to be.

You lose touch during the war. He goes back to Egypt and fights the army of mummies, woken up by Voldemort. You think of him sometimes, fighting those living corpses, and your heart feels tight. Still he lives - you hear the reports at the Order of the Phoenix meetings, and breathe easier for it.

Then Remus loses a foot in battle and is hospitalised. You forget about Bill completely as you stay with Remus every minute you can spare. It's hard to find someone, these days, who can make him a new foot and so he has to make do with a crude muggle contraption. He's learning to walk, but slowly and the frustration of not being able to help makes him snappish. Meanwhile, you're smoking out hags from the hills of Wales and the Dementors are everywhere, feeding on the chaos and fear. You Apparate between Aberystwyth, St Mungo's and your apartment until the fear of splinching yourself becomes an everyday occurrence. You stumble into bed every night, exhausted, and wake to calls of distress and Werewolf Alarm bells.

And then, one day, the war is over. Voldemort fell months before and his Death Eaters all went underground or threw themselves to the mercy of their enemies at once, but it was those he had rallied to his side, the hags and giants and vampires and werewolves, that proved to be the most resilient. They never did fit into society, and what Voldemort offered them was a chance to walk freely in the daylight. They did not give it up lightly.

The next time you see Bill is at a meeting for rebuilding Gringotts Bank. He looks older and wearier, but when he sees you his face lights up and he smiles.

You start Owling again, and go out for dinner. Once you even bring Fleur and Remus - something that does not work out too well. While you and Bill are the same age, the difference in years between the two is laughingly obvious and the fact that it is, more or less, a double date makes you awkward. You and Bill still go out together, however, and when he gets hold of tickets to a Quidditch match between Puddlemere United and his favourite Egyptian team The Walking Dead he doesn't take Fleur, but you. You ask Remus if it's OK, and he looks at you strangely and asks why on earth shouldn't it be? You laugh, and ask yourself the same.

...........................

Two years have passed since the end of the war when you and Remus go separate ways. His hair is greyer than ever as you kiss it, and pick up your suitcase. He smiles, and kisses you in turn. He says that he always felt like he only had you for loans, and you cry a little. Then you leave, and he closes the door behind you.

You start working at Hogwarts, taking one of the classes for children who missed their first years of education during the years the school was closed. You also help out at Defence Against the Dark Arts lessons, thinking - quite naturally - a lot about Remus. Such as you once never could stop thinking about Bill, at least a little, now Remus refuses to leave your mind. He shares the space with Bill, and they seem to get along.

You try dating the Defence Against the Dark Arts professor, but realize that you're just trying to recreate something old. You go out once with the new bartender at the Three Broomsticks, because he's nothing like either Remus or Bill - but that also means there's nothing you like about him.

You still talk to Bill, and when he says Fleur has been talking about children, you manage to smile.

...........................

He calls you over the fire one night, telling you about his divorce from Fleur. He laughs, calls it waking up rather than breaking up and says that even Veela charms have to wear out, and you are shocked to realise he is crying. You tell him to Floo over immediately and when he arrives you hug him tightly, crying with him. Headmistress McGonagall comes over to discipline you about the rules for visitors and you tell her to get lost. She stares at you for some time, and leaves without a word. You don't even have the energy to be terrified.

When he has calmed down he tells you how she left him. You open a bottle of Firewhiskey and talk about Remus. It's curiously akin to that night when you first met again... that night, before the war. Only back then you were full of hopes for the future - even with the threat of war above your heads you talked about life, of dreams. You were just fallen in love, not fresh from heartbreak.

Your office is the one that used to belong to Professor Sinastra, and you and Bill reminisce about your own school days. Emboldened by the Firewhiskey and feeling rebellious you sneak out into the corridors like a couple of adventurous First-years and take the route up to the Astronomy Tower, falling over each other and giggling.

You watch the stars together until morning, and laugh, and cry some more.

He kisses your cheek before he leaves, and says thank you for listening. Facing McGonagall doesn't seem quite as bad anymore.

...........................

He moves to Hogsmeade to work on the renovation of the Shrieking Shack into an institute for adults, a re-schooling centre. There are many who are confused after the war; Aurors wanting a change, surplus Healers no longer needed and young men and women who were forced to leave Hogwarts before their schooling was complete. He says you're always welcome there to help, but you're suddenly nervous. You're starting to doubt, becoming the seventeen-year-old who stood at the Portkey Central in Brussels, staring up at the board that said Alexandria, Egypt. Do you want to commit again? Do you want to risk it? Do you want the complications that come with loving someone so much it frightens you?

And what about Remus? A part of him still remains, too, somewhere inside you.

Bills Owls you every other day, and your letters back become shorter, terser. Sometimes you don't bother answering at all. You don't eat out with him twice a week like you used to, limiting yourself to Friday dinner. Never less than that, however - you find you want to be with him, but at the same time not. You push him away, and long to be near him. You don't know what you want any longer.

Still he is cheerful, as if he doesn't even notice. You hate him for it, and you love his smile.

...........................

You wear your hair short and pink, and he says he's always loved it.

You wear it long and blond and turn your eyes blue, just to spite him. He says it suits you, and winks. You swear in French.

You come with red hair in a ponytail and borrow a student's fang earring. He laughs and says you make a good couple.

You agree to meet him at the Hog's Head and wear black hair, long and lanky, enlarge your nose and sit at the bar wearing a huge coat, hunched over a beer. He comes in and walks straight towards you, saying he'd recognise you anywhere.

...........................

...And one day he sends an Owl from Egypt, saying he was called back. There are still scars from the war, which he must help heal. He says sorry for not being able to talk to you first, but there was no time...

Then he says he'd love for you to come visit.

You look at the letter for a long time, while your mind seizes up. What to do... Finally you go to the Headmistress's office. You say sorry, and hand in your resignation. She shakes her head, and sighs. She says she had guessed the day was coming, and pushes your hand away irritably to reach for a piece of parchment. It already has the first part of an advertisement for new teachers written out. She doesn't look up as you pause in the door, but you believe - you hope - that the lines around her mouth are not only signs of anger but also of regret.

You pack your bags and Apparate to London. You walk through the streets to a familiar apartment, and ring the doorbell of Remus Lupin.

He looks surprised when he opens the door, then asks if you would like some tea.

You have tea, and chocolate biscuits. He shows you his new foot, and complains half-heartedly about how strange it is to walk on two feet again, when he's used to stumping about on one healthy leg and one made out of wood and metal. You tell him about your days as a teacher, and he talks about the progress he's making within the stagnated bureaucracy of the Werewolf Registration Department. And then you tell him about Bill. You talk for a long time, sometimes hesitant, sometimes sure. You talk about hopes and fears, and things hidden deep inside you, never brought to light until now. You talk, explaining to yourself as much as to him. When you're finished he rises from his chair, walks towards you on his two good feet, and kisses you on both cheeks. Then he tells you what you've known along that you should do.

Go to him.

You bite your lip, then smile, and as he strokes your head and calls you silly you know that it's alright. You're alright, finally. You hug him briefly and thank him, and then you leave. This time he stands in the door until you've vanished from his sight.

...........................

You stand at the Portkey Central in Brussels, watching the board that says Alexandria, Egypt. A clerk tells you, pointedly, that it leaves within five minutes. You hardy heed him. When he offers to carry your luggage in an attempt to speed things up, however, you shake yourself out of your contemplation. You smile at him but decline, pick up your bags, take a deep breath and finally walk towards the Portkey.

You're more than fifteen years late, but you're on your way.