My Dark Secret

Chapter 2 - Part I: The Forging

Lily Evans stared out the window of the Owlery late one Tuesday evening. Her diary was clutched tightly in one hand and in the other a letter that she had been meaning to reply to when she had arrived at the Owlery over two hours ago.

She sighed, tearing her eyes away from the Quidditch Pitch. She looked at the letter, stared at it for a minute then rummaged in her bag, pulling out a piece of parchment and quill. Leaning on a bench, Lily poised the quill over the parchment and wrote To.

She paused. She couldn't write a lie. She had to get what she was thinking of off her chest before she told him.

Lily slammed her diary on top of the parchment furiously and flipped it open to an empty page. She could feel the tears welling up behind her eyes.

Dear Mr. Diary,

I keep hearing them, over and over again. These voices screaming at me in my sleep and whispering in my ear as I walk the halls between classes. I can't understand them. It's like they're just out of reach, taunting me and forever reminding me that I'm not good enough to understand them.

It's like I walk a lonely road. I see in front of me a long path with people off to the side blurry, full of colour, smiling ... the light in their eyes. I see the light in her eyes too.

The Man just sent me an owl. He has already gotten four jobs lined up for me this Easter. Yeah, sure I can do that but something inside me is telling me that I don't want to. He'd never accept it though. He's not that kind of person. He has uses for people otherwise to him what is their point of being around him?

He took me in, yes, he sent me to school, he cared for me but he has to get something in return. That's how it's always been.

Lily shut her diary and pushed it aside so she could write on parchment. She was tempted to just write that she couldn't come back for Easter but then could think of a suitable excuse.

See you for Easter.

Lily paused, what else was there to say?

From Lily

She finished. She picked up the parchment, folding it and walked over to her owl. It was a large hawk like owl, with exquisite blue eyes and beautiful long brown feathers. She stroked his head to wake him up, before tying the letter to his leg.

"You know where to find him," she whispered and the owl leapt off its perch, spreading its wings and soaring out the window.

Picking up her diary, Lily left the Owlery.

She wondered about aimlessly, her thoughts so far away from Hogwarts that she didn't notice someone was even following her for ten minutes.

"Penny for your thoughts?"

Lily literally jumped, so that she didn't have time to swerve out of the way of the suit of armour that was in front of her and went crashing into it, sending it and her to the floor. Cheeks flushing and feeling extremely annoyed at James Potter, Lily got off the floor and glared at him.

He just laughed.

"My thoughts cost a lot more than a penny. You are the most insolent -"

"Okay, stop there," James cut her off holding his hands up in defense and trying desperately to wipe the smirk off his face.

"How can you find amusement in other people's misfortune?"

"Remember who you're talking to, Lily."

"How could I forget?" replied Lily in aspiration.

She turned away from him and headed down the corridor, fast, in hopes that he would leave her alone but that was all it was - a hope.

"So how much do you're thoughts cost?"

"Something you can't offer."

"Which is?"

"A changed man."

"Huh?"

"The Man I live with, I want him to change."

"Is he you boyfriend? Is he cheating on you?"

Lily laughed harshly. "No, he's not my boyfriend."

"Why do you want him to change?"

"He wants me to do something I don't want to do."

"So don't do it."

"Not everyone's life is like yours, Potter, there are consequences for what I do - or don't do."

"Does he hit you?"

"No," said Lily aggressively.

"So what's the consequence?"

"I'll have no where to live and no money."

"That wouldn't be good."

"That's my dilemma."

"What does he want you to do?" Lily chose not to answer. "Fine." James paused. "What do you mean not everyone's life is like mine?"

"A rich loving family, Potter, do I have to explain?"

"Yes."

"You have a simple life. The most anyone will ever do to you is yell. You're sheltered and naïve. You don't understand what it's like to suffer."

"How would you know?" Lily stopped and gave him a Don't-Mess-With-Me look. He shrugged. "Seriously?"

"So you have suffered?"

"How do you define suffering?"

"Feeling completely and utterly alone. Having your heart broken and crushed." Lily screwed up her face in emphasis. "Losing something so close to you that you know you can never ever be the same again or a change in your life that sends you in a completely different direction that there is no going back."

James nodded with a thoughtful look on his face.

"I lost my Uncle."

"Really?" asked Lily sounding as if she had no interest at all.

"You know most people usually say 'I'm sorry'."

"But I'm not. How could I care about someone I never met and someone until about three weeks ago, I'd never had a conversation with in my life?"

"How have you suffered?"

"I lost ... everything," said Lily quietly. James watched her closely but she didn't say anymore.

Dear Mr. Diary

This is continuing on of my last entry, as, in case you didn't notice, I didn't finish it.

I truly am crazy, Mr. Diary. Aside from hearing voices I see things. Flashes, really, of past events long gone. It's like I keep seeing these images, as if something is telling me to remember them because in them something happened that I must remember.

What, pray tell, Mr. diary would that be? I simply have no idea. I see blood all the time. It was never this bad and it has hasn't happened in over two years. The seizures - I had one the other day when I lost control. Parkinson got me so mad that I just couldn't stop. I wanted him to shut up. I wanted him to feel my anger, my pain - so I hit him.

I was going to stop there but then I hit him again, then again and again. I wanted him to know. After that I saw the blood on my hands. I kept seeing those things, those flashes of my past. Maybe they were my victims. I've beaten at least one to death as awful as it sounds but some are so arrogant and so cruel that it just happens. I get angry and I don't stop.

I'm a monster. What else can I call myself?

But then maybe they weren't one of the hits. I know that the day my parents were killed that there was a lot of blood but I can't really remember the details now that I think about it. With time everything fades away. Nothing lasts forever.

Then there was that day that I was staying at Niki's, and Faith, a fellow Griffindor and a family friend of Niki's, she came to find us, said that the parentals, that's what she called them, that they wanted us for dinner.

We stopped at Faith's house to get her parents before we were going to go to Niki's but we never made it back to Niki's in time for dinner. We knew something was wrong straight away but for some reason we all just stood there, stock-still, staring up into the sky at the ugly skeleton head with a snake crawling from it's mouth.

Faith moved first and even today I hear her screams echoing inside my head. We weren't ever friends but now she doesn't talk to me at all. Hell, she hasn't spoken to anyone except for the few inevitable words that no one can ever avoid in life. She kind of became dreamy, like she was never really there. Almost like a Dementor has given her its fatal kiss and taken away her poor soul, leaving an empty corpse to rot inside the damned world it's imprisoned in. Sometimes I wish this were true. Then she wouldn't have to suffer like she does.

Mr. Diary, I'm not sure if you know but there is something out there, beyond the walls of Hogwarts - a dark shadow, forever growing, casting its darkness, remorse, and its misery on all those around it. It turns those who once loved against each other, leaving a path of destruction and death in its wake. Clinging to power, to fear, it seeks for the ultimate.

It seeks to destroy good ...to destroy love ...

Lily Evans

Days seemed to pass like years and for Lily the rest of the week seemed to be taking its time, slowing down just to piss her off. Thursday night came after what felt like a year and Lily realized that she had absolutely nothing to do so she resumed to do what she most often liked to do, which was to roam the corridors aimlessly.

It was a mysterious thing what Lily was feeling that night as she walked. It was quiet which was unusual at seven o'clock when most people had finished dinner and were doing whatever suited them best. Lily hadn't had dinner; she wasn't hungry.

It seemed that of all the places she could have wondered to it had to be down into the dungeons where it was especially cold and she was especially not wanted but there was no activity in the dungeons so Lily ventured in.

It was cold, which was no surprise but rather annoying for Lily, as she hadn't thought of bringing anything warmer with her when she had left the Griffindor Tower. Tightening her thin cloak around her, she headed towards the potions classroom because that was the only thing that was familiar.

The classroom was dark but Lily could make out a faint silver light coming from one of the cauldrons in the corner. She glanced around her, checking for Professor Slughorn, her teacher and head of Slytherin. He wasn't there and she breathed a sigh of relief. It wasn't that she'd get in trouble or anything; he wouldn't care less. It was because she was one of his favourites and because of that he had tendency for sucking up, a tendency she really hated.

Minutes past as seconds and what felt much less than ten minutes passed when she heard footsteps echoing faintly. Lily immediately tensed. She looked around searching for the source. The sound seemed to be coming from a lone tapestry hanging on a wall. From Lily's experience she had no doubts that the tapestry hid a passage.

Before Lily could move the tapestry was swept aside and the footsteps came to a halt.

"Well ..." Regulus Black peered down at her. "What a surprise," he drawled. Lily gave him a defiant look she seemed to have mastered. "What are you doing down here?"

"I can be where ever I want to be," replied Lily matter-of-factly.

"Yes, but why here?" Lily stared at him.

"Why do you care?" she snapped.

He gave her a strange look.

"What?"

"You are the most guarded -" He blinked. "Conserved person I've ever met and considering the people I've grown up with you've got a lot of competition."

"Sirius?"

"Complete opposite."

"Even the arrogance?"

"No, he gets that from my parents."

"Of course."

"So why here?"

"No reason." Regulus smirked.

"Of course not." He paused.

"Where are you going?" asked Lily before she could stop herself.

"For a walk." Lily nearly snorted. She very much doubted that. "Don't believe me?" he asked with an amused smile. Her doubt must have shown up. "Would you like to come for a walk?" He paused then added. "With me?"

"Alright," replied Lily. It wasn't like she had anything else to do.

"To the kitchen then."

"The kitchen?"

"Yes, I'm hungry."

"Dinner just finished."

"Which is precisely why I'm going to the kitchens."

"Why weren't you at dinner?" He gave her a thoughtful look that Lily thought made him look like a completely different person but then he shrugged it off and a smirk appeared on his face.

"I was busy."

"With what?" asked Lily irritably, looking ahead of her. For some reason that smirked irritated her.

"I don't remember her name." Lily looked at him skeptically, raising her eyebrows. He just shrugged.

"You're going to get shot one day."

"Shot with what?"

Lily shook her head. "Muggle thing."

"Is it lethal?"

"It is when I've got one."

"Of course - your job."

"How do you know about all that stuff?" said Lily, her voice deepening sounding suddenly serious.

Regulus didn't answer. They had reached the kitchens. He reached out tickling the large pear on the fruit bowl and a door handle appeared. Wrenching it, he threw open the kitchen door.

They were immediately bombarded by house elves. Regulus growled his orders at them.

"Butterbeer," said Lily quietly and walked over to a table, followed by Regulus. She sat down heavily and a moment later her butterbeer appeared in front of her.

She took a swig and focused on Regulus.

"I won't tell you," said Regulus before she even opened her mouth.

"What if I made you?" asked Lily threateningly.

"You couldn't make me." Lily bunched her fist.

"How much are you willing to stake on that?"

Regulus turned away from her and started to pick at his food.

"You, with nothing to lose, everything to gain. How much are you willing to stake? All you have to offer is your life. Is there anyone, Evans, that you would give your life for?"

"Anyone's long gone."

"So what are you planning to do with your life?"

Lily paused, biting her lip, lowering her eyes. "You're different then I imagined."

"You're exactly how I imagined." Lily looked up defiantly. She was different. She wanted to be different. She wanted to stand out.

"I'll do something ... I'll do something good."

"What about this man? The one whose name they fear to speak."

"Light always conquers darkness."

"He's powerful."

"What of him? Do you plan to join him?"

"My parents wouldn't be disappointed."

"Your brother would call you an idiot."

"He already does."

"He's a murderer," said Lily going back to You-Know-Who.

"But then so are you." For a moment Lily felt strangely disappointed. She didn't like that he had said she had something in common with You-Know-Who. She knew she'd never join. As bad as the things she'd done were, they would never suffice anywhere near to that of the Dark Lord's.

She would fight him no matter what it took. At that moment she hated him. At that moment she wanted him to suffer.

Lily stood up abruptly, knocking the table.

"Going somewhere?" asked Regulus lightly.

"Away from you," replied Lily icily and she left.

The transition from innocence to adulthood is often overlooked as the days where adults said they were young and did crazy things. They tell themselves that they are nothing like what they did then but they never seem to see how important those days were, how much they show what you could be, what you can do and who you really are. A time when no one judged for how sophisticated and elegant you are but for how crazy and how far you are willing to go to push the limits.

For many girls in Lily Evans year level this is exactly what would happen. A seemingly carefree life then as soon as it started it would be over and the new adults would be pushed into an up market society, their parents simply marrying them off to suits their needs and giving them the right social connections.

Yet these girls never complained, on the contrary they seemed excited. Lily could never understand how they can enjoy life knowing what is to come is exactly what has been. Day in day out, year after year, don't they ever get bored?

Lily stared at the Ravenclaw group of girls who were fussing over a single one sitting in the very centre. She had no idea about what was going on but they annoyed her with their high pitch voices and excited squeals.

She heard someone sit down next to her. She presumed it was James Potter. It was now a regular occurrence these days that he would occasionally choose to sit next to her.

"Her name's Jennifer Hunt and she's just gotten engaged with a Slytherin who graduated two years back," said James in a bored tone.

"And you're telling me this why?"

James grinned. "You were looking at her with such interest."

Lily shook her head and looked away from the Ravenclaw to look down at her food that she had been lazily picking at, not feeling particularly hungry.

"Black again?"

Lily looked up sharply, but not at him. Her eyes wondering in front of her, looking but not seeing.

"Are you stalking me?"

"Regulus. Of all people, Evans, why him?"

"Jealous?"

"Not likely."

"Nothing's going on."

James snorted. "I don't believe you."

"You never do."

"You constantly lie."

"I wasn't lying when I said that nothing's happening."

"He was all over you."

"He was not. Anyway I wasn't interested."

"Why?"

"He's too young." James stared at her in disbelief. He shook his head and glanced over at the Slytherin table but Black wasn't there.

"Hogsmeade next weekend," stated James. Lily looked at him inquiringly.

"So?"

"Are you going?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Don't feel like it."

"You could on Saturday."

"If I do I'll go."

"I have an idea." Lily waited for him to continue.

"And that would be?"

"Well ... since Sirius and Remus have detention and Peter has a date. I have no one to go with and would be bored just wondering around by myself so I was thinking that you should come with me and buy me a butterbeer."

Lily opened her mouth but then fully comprehended what he had just said, closed it and shook her head in disbelief.

"Silence means yes," said James sounding somewhat childish.

"Why would I buy you a butterbeer?"

"Because I bought you one last time."

"Last time?"

"Yes."

Lily wracked her brain trying to remember. "Potter, you didn't pay for it."

"I was going to."

"Madame Rosemerta made me pay for it."

"That's because you poured it on me."

"You were being an asshole."

"I thought I was being romantic."

"Telling someone you think they're prettier than the Giant Squid is not a pick up line."

James chuckled to himself.

"And then asking them if they'll give you head is not romantic." James smirked.

"I didn't use those words."

"But your intentions were clear so naturally I was offended and poured my butterbeer on you in hopes of embarrassing you but then you turn it around by coming up with one of your stupid comments like it tastes nice."

James scratched the back of his head. "I think I'll buy you the butterbeer."

"How about two?"

"But -" Lily stared at him, as if challenging him. He sighed. "Alright. So you're coming to Hogsmeade with me?"

Lily nodded. "Seems like it."

"Alright, I'll meet you at 8." James stood up and left the table. At the entrance to the Great Hall, James turned and waved to her, with a large grin on his face then turned around and walked smack bang into a fifth year Ravenclaw girl. He hit her so hard that they both tumbled over. Lily rolled her eyes.

"Sorry," said the Ravenclaw dramatically. "I'm so sorry. Are you hurt? I hope I didn't ruin your day."

"Not at all," said James loudly, helping her up. "Nothing could ruin my day. Lily Evans just agreed to go out on a date with me!"

Lily mouth dropped open.

And he left.

It was about 3 in the morning when Lily woke up. She'd had a nightmare; flashing lights and people screaming but already it was starting to fade away. Not particularly in the mood to go back to sleep, she got up and walked over to the window to get some water. To her surprise someone was already there.

"Couldn't sleep?" asked Faith softly. She looked beautiful sitting in the moonlight, the white light accentuating her milky skin. She had long dirty blonde hair that had dark streaks through it and a bright blue eye, that seemed glassy as well as a dark green one. Across her left eye, running down the middle, was a small thin scar that appeared open but not bleeding. That was why her blue eye was glassy: she was blind through that eye.

Lily shook her head. Faith took a sip of her water and handed the jug over to Lily. Lily watched Faith in shock and confusion. This was the first time she'd spoken to her in a year.

Moments of silence elapsed between them.

"You're different from the other girls," said Faith suddenly as if she was observing a bird sitting in a tree. "You don't fit in."

Lily felt slightly taken aback. She opened her mouth to speak, but shut it, wanting to hear what Faith had to say.

"No one's going to laugh at you for saying what you think," said Faith.

"Not that I'd care," said Lily.

"I think you do," said Faith. "That's why you say it so much."

Lily lowered her eyes. She could feel Faith's eyes on her.

"Say what?" Of course she knew what. Faith creased her eyebrows as if Lily had just spoken a foreign language.

"You don't care," she answered after a pause. Then she paused again. "You have a wall around your mind." Lily looked up in surprise.

"A wall around my mind," Lily repeated, as if she didn't really understand.

"Yes. Ninety-nine per cent of the times its bad experience, that enables you to detach yourself from your emotions and the rest are just those rare people who -" Faith paused and her eyes seemed to glaze over. She was no longer focusing on Lily but it only lasted a moment. She blinked and looked out the window, her eyes wondering to the Quidditch Pitch, which was barely visible in the darkness of the night.

"I've had bad experiences," said Lily, quietly.

"It doesn't have to be anything big. Something like feeling lonely can contribute to it," continued on Faith as if she hadn't heard Lily.

"How so?"

"When you're lonely, you're isolated and when you're isolated you start to build a wall and it doesn't break down because there's nothing fighting it. It makes your mind harder to see."

"Which per cent are you?" asked Lily curiously. Faith tilted her head to the side with a sort of dreamy look on her face.

"Ninety-nine."

"Is anyone one?"

"I know someone."

"Who?"

Faith held her forefinger to her mouth. "Ssh, it's a secret." She gave Lily a small smile before standing up and walking over to her bed.

Lily creased her face, trying to look at Faith but her bed was completely dark. Her mind was spinning, why had Faith finally spoken to her? Faith always had ulterior motives.

She put down the jug and her glass gently before walking back to her bed. She lay there for a while, her mind too crowded to try and find sleep.

Maybe half an hour later she did.

To scratch the surface of a story is to slightly understand what is happening. A story can be anything from the large novel sitting on your bookshelf to the boy in your maths class telling his friend about his new shoes. From the ever so great news article to the girl singing a song in her backyard, twirling to her own beat. Anything - anyone can tell a story. You just have to tell the story right.

She was moving fast, her enduring agility pushing her forever further. Her dark eyes pierced the darkness. Her head was swinging from side to side, as if she was searching, scanning every object, looking for something.

After a while she slowed down, eventually coming to a complete halt. Her eyes were focused on something beyond the darkness. She stood, stock-still, her body tensed, just watching and just waiting.

Something in the darkness shifted and started moving towards her. She didn't move, until she could see it completely. A large wolf covered in silver fur moved into the light of the moon. Its yellow eyes were looking at her lazily and its long snout was sniffing out her scent.

"Be gone," she whispered in a voice that was barely distinguishable. The wolf's eyes, at that moment, almost looked human. They were mocking her and she frowned.

"Heed me now or risk your demise," she whispered, her face glowing in defiance, challenging the wolf.

The wolf threw its head back and emitted a long deep howl. It looked back at her and moments later his howl was answered. Not by one but four others.

"Be gone," she said, louder and with more urgency.

Lily dropped the book on to the table she was sitting at, with a loud "thump", as if it were a gigantic spider. She glanced over at Madame Pince, but the librarian said nothing, only giving her a stern look. Lily looked at the book. The cover was a midnight blue and in gold font there was a name she presumed was Latin or something.

There was one thing that Lily Evans enjoyed that was peaceful, though few knew of it, and that was to read fiction books. She loved action books, those full of dark tales and brave warriors. At times she was addicted to them. Yet lately she felt drawn to the sheer romances that plague the mind of a teenage girl hoping to be caught up in one some day. Lily, of course, did not want romance, she was simply curious.

The Man had sent the book to her. He had told her that one of his lovers had suggested it. Lily stared down at it. She didn't even know it's name but she was sure now that it had been written by a witch yet she knew the lover would have been a muggle and by accident stumbled upon the book.

She liked the book. It was dark, full of bad mistakes and broken hearts but the lead was a strong female character, who had been turned down by the man she loved because his parents had convinced him that she was not worthy of him. Angrily she had sought revenge.

Picking up the book, Lily chucked it into her bag and left the library.

She took a direct route for the Astronomy Tower, her mind reeling with too many thoughts. It was as if every single thing that had happened or was said had a different, deeper meaning to it all and her mind was trying desperately to figure it out.

She sighed. It was hopeless. There was no ulterior meaning - just what happened was exactly what happened.

Lily pulled out her wand and locked the Astronomy Tower door behind her. She walked to the edge, staring down at the vast grounds. The Whomping Willow caught her eye. Some students were trying to get close to it. Class was over and risking their lives seemed to be some foolish students favourite game.

She sat down and unzipped her bag, reaching far into it. She pulled out a small bag that had lain hidden at the bottom of her school bag since she got back from holidays.

Her hands shook as she stared at the bag. She was almost scared to open it, knowing what it would do to her, knowing that it would all end up bad if she didn't stop soon but the feeling she got while it was happening compelled her to reached into the small bag and pull out its contents.

A small syringe sat on her hand and she pulled out a leather strap. She rolled up her sleeve and tightened the strap around her arm. The small bag of Heroin was completely full. She hadn't felt the need to touch it since she got back from Christmas Holidays. Something had driven it from her mind.

As she injected it into her arm she felt her body start to soar. She lay back, relaxing herself. Dizziness came and then went. The world seemed to fade away and she felt herself lift off the ground, spreading her arms as if they were wings and flying deep into the blueness of the sky. Her eyes flitted around. She had no desire to be anywhere else, to feel anything else but more of the Heroin inside her. Her hand reached out for bag but she wasn't able to grab it. Something was on her arm.

Lily turned completely to look at her arm. She felt it shake.

"No," she heard herself whisper. Her eyes moved upwards and into her head. Her breath came out in short gasps. "No," she said again. Her eyes came back and she could see it moving up her arm. A small red and black creature with pointy fangs and eyes like ... like hers.

It stared at her, the devil reflected in its eyes and bit deep into her arm.

Then it was gone.

Lily stared at her arms. It was held in mid air and a drop of red substance fell from it. Everything was suddenly silent and time seemed to slow down waiting for the drop to fall.

It hit the ground, then another and another. Like rain hitting a pool of water it started to spread making dripping sounds.

Lily's eyes widened. It was coming out faster, spreading between her feet. She couldn't stand any longer, her legs collapsed and she impacted the ground hard, splashing flicks of blood all over her. Her hands fell forwards next. She crawled forwards, looking for the edge. When she touched something, she recoiled.

Focusing in front of her she saw a delicate form, lying in front of her, a porcelain white hand sticking out from the blood. Lily's hands were shaking so much. She opened her mouth to scream but her tongue wouldn't move.

She stumbled backwards, hitting her back against the low wall of the Astronomy Tower. She fell down heavily and the shakiness and shuddering took over.

Dear Mr. Diary,

What is happening to me? Please explain it. I don't understand and it's killing me. I really thought I was dying. I knew I shouldn't have taken it but you must know what it's like when you're addicted. I resisted it for so long but I couldn't any longer. I had to have it, to feel it spreading through my body, taking over ...

It's not supposed to be happening. I'm not supposed to see blood and freak out. I mean look what I do for a fucking living, you'd think I'd be able to stomach a bit of blood like I always have, but no, it's haunting me and taunting me. Please, please tell me what is happening?

I saw a hand today. I don't know what it means but it triggered some memory. I saw Faith's face before she had that scar and the blind eye. It has to have something to do with her. I had this thought that maybe she's mentally reaching out for me, wanting me to help her. She was talking about the mind. What if she has some sort of power? Professor Crusader was talking about the power of the mind and that there are many different types of mind powers. Like Legilimens and Occlumency and then all these others.

The other thing is that Faith was the one who found me.

When I came to my senses I realize that it had all been an illusion, that there hadn't really been any blood and my arm was perfectly fine except that it was all red because I'd been scratching at it.

All she did was pick up my bag of Heroin, stare at it for a while then she said in a vacant voice:

"This is a bad batch."

She burnt it before my eyes. I was feeling too weak and disorientated to intervene. She took me back to the Griffindor Tower, helping me walk. We got back and I could see tears in her eyes. At that moment I wanted to hug and tell her it was going to be all right.

The other side of my mind was screaming at me. 'What the hell is wrong with you? You don't think this way. You don't care about her because she's not your friend. She's not anything. She's just another person. There is nothing special about her ... nothing special about you ...'

I was stumped. I was staring at her blindly. Tears were leaking from her eyes and she was staring at me, almost pleading for me to understand what she was going through, to just accept her.

Then her head was bowed, her shoulders shaking, crying that she was so sorry. That she wished Niki was still here because Niki treated her right.

Something gripped me so hard I had to grab the bedpost to stay standing.

"Niki?" I asked. "Where is she?" But Faith just shook her head and kept sobbing. I wanted to grab her and shake some sense into her. I had to know where she was. "Faith!"

Faith looked at me. "How can you not know?"

"Not know what?" I asked with a ferocious urgency. Something was welling up inside of me.

Yet again Faith shook her head. She reached her hand to her face and wiped away her tears until they were all gone.

"Where did she go?"

"Away, Lily, she's not coming back." Her voice was suddenly deep, devoid of the sadness and tears that had resided in her voice before.

"Why not?"

Faith shook her head. "She sent you so many letters and you never replied. I hate you, Lily, how could you be so mean to her? Why am I helping you? You're nothing but a bitch to everyone around you."

"What letters?" I screamed. I was too distracted to be insulted.

"What letters!" Faith stood up looking outraged, all traces of her brake down gone. "She was right. You are a liar."

"I'm not lying," I said angrily, raising my voice, hearing its thickness.

Faith stared at me, looking directly into my eyes. I had the feeling she was trying to enter my mind. After a moment her eyes weakened.

"You're not lying," she stated. She looked sadly away from me as if she pitied me. "Find the letters, Lily, then you'll know."

"Can't you tell me?"

Faith shook her head and it was silent.

"I'm sorry," said Faith after a while. "When you find out, I want you know that I'm sorry."

I could have hurt her; I could have made her talk. I could of screamed, I could have done a million things but I didn't. I didn't move. I knew that I had to find those letters. Where to start? I have no idea.

There is one thing that came out of this and though it seemed unlikely it did happen. Strange things always seemed to happen when Faith or I am around. I guess its because we're both not quite there. We both have strong characters that most can't tolerate us and have seen things we were never meant to see.

I used to think that life was like a game. You give it a try and you'll either come out the winner or the loser. I never really understood the kind of emotions that were involved; I'm positive that no game has ever felt this way. You see most of my life I think I've just been depressed and that on some level has kept me sane and what I dared to call happy. Happy - I was far from happy except for those times when I was with Niki but they are long gone now. At the moment I feel different, not depressed but more in peace of what is going on and in myself.

For today, Mr. Diary, I forged a friendship ...

Lily Evans