My Dark Secret

Dear Mr. Diary,

This is my first ever diary entry in this diary and I don't even know the date but who cares because I think I'm going crazy. That's why they sent me to the school nurse. The only reason I'm writing in this stupid diary is because she said it might help if I tell someone what's bothering me. Then I told her I had no friends so she said I should write it down instead and focus on finding a friend. As if I'm going to take that risk again.

Why?

I thought I heard them. I thought I was special. The things I would do to feel, to think that I was special. But I'm no different. I'm the same as everybody else.

Now all I can hear are my own words echoing off the hollow walls inside an empty room, mocking my every move.

Every move I make, every tear that falls, makes my heart beat faster, my body shake more and my eyes grow wider with the fear that I'm going to die alone, cold and in the darkness.

You see the hate pulled me in and swallowed me whole. I thought that if I waited a bit longer, tried a bit harder, eventually I could be saved and everything would pay off, as I saw in the movies. Those girls who have everything bad going for them, when suddenly their prince charming in his shining white armour, bearing a red rose, would come, sweep them off their feet and take them far away from harm.

I feel so stupid believing a good thing could ever happen to me. This is reality and in reality, bad things happen without good things happening too.

It's like death after death, betrayals after betrayal were just meant to be. Perhaps I could influence someone's life. Make them that little bit stronger for things to come, as if I'm some kind of messenger. But then, now I think about it, maybe all that has happened is making me stronger, getting me ready for the worst.

Maybe something bad is about to happen and I'm meant to survive...

You could say I never went about my life the way I should have. Perhaps I should have tried to stay innocent, but what choice did I have? I wasn't going to waste my life away being raped by those damn pimps and hoes I kept being sent too.

You see, when I was eight, I witnessed the death of my parents. It was murder, and they slaughtered them like animals. I'm not sure as to the exact reason but I have an idea. My parents weren't exactly innocent either. They were thieves, not petty ones that stole from supermarkets or banks but the type who organized brilliant, flawless plans and stole million dollar paintings and jewels, especially diamonds. They loved diamonds.

I guess they probably stole form the wrong person, and in the underworld that can be like signing your death certificate, because one day, which I know I could never possibly forget, we heard the knocking of the door and then BANG, down it came. Men came charging forwards with guns and large knifes in their hands.

Once they were dead, and I could swear that I had never seen so much blood in my life, they tied me up with some rope and told me I could starve to death for just being their child.

It was lucky that the next day my sister came home from a friend's house and found me. She wasn't quite the same after that, as you can imagine, and we spent the next year swapping foster homes. Petty found a home quick but as for me, all my foster parents said that I was cursed because bad things kept happening when I was around. I've seen the death of a foster mother, two fathers, twin brothers, a sister, and a dog. Cancer, car crashes, burnt down house and even an earthquake all happened while I was around. I was leaving a path of destruction in my wake. Most people said it was just a coincidence, but I always thought otherwise, and my foster parents didn't want to take the risk.

Eventually they started sending me to the less nice homes, where I was introduced to drugs, and at my third home I was raped. From then on I lost all faith in the world and I trusted absolutely no one. I ran away from so many homes that I lost track of how many I was sent to. I don't know why but I always went back to the police but I think they grew sick of my complaints and thought that I was making it up because, of course, my offenders always denied any such activity.

What was I to do? Where was I to go? Petty wanted nothing to do with me.

For a few months the streets became my home. It was in my blood, I was a natural born thief so I stole money, food, and drugs. By the time I was ten I could defend myself well, especially after vowing that I would never let anyone take advantage of me the way some of my previous foster fathers had.

There is one things you should know is that for a ten year old I was very intelligent and that I cared for one thing and one thing only: that was me.

Another day I will never forget was the day I met the Man. I don't know his real name, he was always known as, simply, the Man.

He appeared out of nowhere one day and introduced me to a good, fast way to make money. It wasn't legal but it wasn't prostitution, which I never would have gone in to no matter how desperate I was for money. Everyday I watched whores being pulled out of dumps. No, he introduced me to be a thing called an assassin, contract killer or a bounty hunter, whatever you want to call it. The bottom line is I began my first career killing people for a living.

The Man gave me a home, provided food, and sent me to school. He was kind to me and I loved and adored him. I felt that killing people was a small price to pay for what I was getting in return.

Then one day something completely unexpected happened. I received a letter. This stupid diary belongs to Hogwarts so you probably know what the letter said. It was all about me being elected to come and nurture my magical ability and so on and so forth. Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry: this was to be my future home for the next seven years. Magic changed my life, as it would anyone's but I'm still not sure if it made my life better or worst, I guess it gave me more of a purpose.

My first few years at Hogwarts were uneventful and if I described them to you, you would probably find them downright boring. It's simple; I barely had a friend and that's because I didn't trust anyone. My only wonders were experiencing the different attributes of magic.

I'm a fast learner and magic came naturally to me. I achieved high results with little practice and despite ignoring me, I'm sure my peers hid jealousy behind their masks but what they never understood was how jealous I was of them. How could they possibly understand a life of complete loneliness? Forever, I have so longed for a family, or a friend. I'll never understand in myself why I didn't put my distrust aside, take a risk, and make more friends. As I reflect back on those years, I feel so much like an idiot. I feel like I have wasted my life up until third year. But in the future - I do take that risk and the pain, the suffering ...

I think it was worth it ...

Lily Evans

Lily dropped the diary onto the kitchen table and stared out the window. The night was full of stars and a large round, full moon, which brightened everything it shone on. Taking a breath, Lily tore her eyes away from the window. She leaned down, peering under the table and stared at a small number pad.

2 ... 5 ... 7 ... 0

The number pad lightened up and a quiet buzzing sound emitted from the pantry. Lily stood up and walked over to it. It opened by itself and a row of various items appeared on trays.

Lily leant down to the bottom most trays and pulled out a small handbag. Once everything she needed was in place, she pushed the pantry door shut. The buzzing sound stopped.

Lily left the house quickly and made her way to the train station. The train ride was quick. As she arrived she slinked off the train, barely noticeable and made her way to a quiet secluded restaurant, where her target would be. Fastening her coat and adjusting her hair, Lily made her way into the restaurant, with an exotic smile plastered on her face.

"Mr. Galway, please?" said Lily, in a charming voice to the man at the counter.

"He's out the back. Wait right here." The man disappeared through a door but then appeared back moments later. "He's been expecting you, though you have arrived a bit earlier than expected."

"I arrived exactly when I plan to."

"Hmm," said the man with a small laugh, which made Lily uncomfortable. "Sure. I'll have to check your bag."

Lily handed it to him. "Go ahead." He quickly flipped through it, deemed it worthy and showed Lily through the door. There was a group of about five men around a table, playing cards and smoking cigarettes that Lily knew weren't legal. They all looked at her as she entered. Immediately, she found who she was looking for.

"Mr. Galway?" she said with confidence. "I'm only here for you, so the rest of you men can get out." With one glance at their boss, the rest of the men were moving passed her with smug looks of their faces. She locked the door behind them.

Swaying her hips, she moved over to her target, slipping her hands up his thighs and placing herself comfortably on his lap. He sat back, relaxing his body. Lily slipped a pair of handcuffs out from her bag. She moved one hand up his neck and touched his lips. He immediately leaned forwards, capturing her lips in a fierce kiss.

She pushed away as smoothly as she could and fastened a cuff around his wrist and the other around the table leg. A smirk eased on to his face.

"I thought you'd like that," she purred into his ear.

"I like everything about you."

"Do you?" Lily leaned back, pushing her body back into standing position. "I bet even I have flaws."

"No, perfect. Except you could just skip the talk."

"I could tell you a flaw," said Lily, ignoring his comment and walking over to the back door to the restaurant. She opened it and peered outside. Her ride was sitting there, waiting for her. She heard the car engine fire up. "I'm about to kill you."

The man had little time to react. All she saw was his surprised, horror stricken face, and him trying to move, until he realized he was tied down. She pressed down on the small remote in her hand and her handbag blew up right next to him. She only just shut the door in time, protecting herself from the blast.

The car came up fast next to her. She opened the door and was jumping in when something hit her hard in the arm, then slammed into the ground. Lily felt an instant, intense rush of pain. She collapsed into the passenger seat and the car pulled away fast.

Taking ragged breaths, Lily glanced down at her arm and saw the blood pouring out.

"Shit!" yelled Lily. "I've been shot."

Dear Mr. Diary,

Last night I was shot. You do know what I mean, magical diary, don't you? You know those muggle instruments that put a small nasty bullet through you at a fast speed that can be lethal probably seventy percent of the time. It hit me in the arm and now I have to start school tomorrow explaining to everyone why my arm's in a sling. Come to think about it, I'm sure no one would give a damn. Problem solved.

I can't believe Christmas is already over. Four hits and no Christmas present later, I'm heading back to magical school. Sounds pathetic to me. Aw well, that's my life. Once I'm finished with school I'm getting far away from here and I'm going to make something of myself. You just wait world because I'm on my way. That's my dream.

And I really need it to come true ...

Lily Evans

The morning that Lily had to go back to school arrived a lot quicker then she would have liked. The Man was nowhere in sight and she hadn't seen him since he had sowed up her arm and before that she hadn't seen him all holidays. So with no one to give her lift, she caught a taxi to the train station.

Practically everyone had boarded the train and found a compartment by the time Lily arrived through the barrier. Struggling with her suitcase and sore arm, she dragged it across the rough ground, cursing the bumps and holes.

As Lily was stepping onto the train, she heard someone yell out, then somebody came rushing past her, throwing her off balance. She fell backwards and threw out her arm to stop her fall but it was too late when she realized which arm she'd thrown out. Her injured arm impacted the ground hard, with a sickening crack.

Lily moaned, as she pushed herself into a sitting position. Her arm felt like she'd just broken it and it was bleeding again. Tears were starting to well up in the back of her eyes but she pushed them away. Be strong, she told herself, it's not that bad, you've had worse.

"Are you OK?" Lily paused in surprise. That must have been the first person in a long time to ask that kind of question.

"F-fine," replied Lily but her voice sounded high pitch and unconvincing.

"I'm really sorry. I didn't see you there," said someone else. Sorry, that was a word she didn't hear often either. Lily looked up. Two people who she knew were her age and in her year level stood in front of her. James Potter and Sirius Black; though never having a conversation with them she knew exactly who they were, everyone always knows the school biggest troublemakers. She stared at them both for it was the first time she had ever really looked at them. They were good looking she had to admit that.

James Potter stuck out his hand but she immediately shied away from him. He frowned.

"I'm not going to hurt you. I just want to help you up." Using her other arm Lily pushed herself up, giving him a defiant look. His frown deepened and he shook his head with a frustrated look.

"OK, I guess you don't need help." Lily pierced him with a death glare and an awkward silence fell between the three. "So - err - what did you do to your arm?"

"I hurt it," replied Lily sourly, turning away to attempt to move her fallen bag but she saw Potter roll his eyes.

As Lily reached for the trunk, the two guys rushed forwards to help. "You were right when you guessed I didn't need help," snapped Lily but she fumbled with her bag again and Sirius Black grabbed it from her before she could react.

"Yeah, sure," he replied sarcastically.

Lily had no choice but to follow the two onto the train as they led her through the maze of students, trying to find her a compartment. At the end of the corridor they stopped.

"No free compartments," stated Black.

"I'll find one," muttered Lily as she reached for her bag but Black pulled it out of her reach.

"We just looked, in case you didn't notice, and not a single one was free."

"I'll make one free."

"How are you going to do that?" asked Potter.

"By getting people to move."

"How are you going to do that?" repeated Potter.

"Same way I do every year. Now give me back my bag."

"Jeez and they called me a bully."

"I don't care what they call you," said Lily.

"I was implying that you're worst."

"I don't care what you think."

"Really? Most girls try to impress me. It's kind of funny," said James, with a small smile.

"You have a sick sense of humour," said Lily with a frown.

"Oh, so you do care."

"Insulting someone is not caring about them," replied Lily.

"I mean about the girls I insulted."

"You're annoying."

"So are you."

"Good. I'll be leaving then." Lily finally got a hold of her bag, wrenched it from Black with strength that she didn't know she had and headed down the other end of the train.

"Wait!" Lily spun around.

"What?" snapped Lily. Potter came up close to her.

"I'm sorry, we didn't get off on the right start. Let me introduce myself."

"I know who you are."

"Er ... Great." James looked slightly overwhelmed. Rolling her eyes in irritation, Lily turned back around and started up the train again. "I just wanted to say that ..."

Lily never heard what James said; she had already entered a compartment that was occupied by the people who she'd stolen it from last year. They didn't even bother to put a fight. They just stood up, grabbed their things and left.

Lily sat down and grabbed out her diary.

Dear Mr. Diary,

Number 3 ... can't believe I made it this far. Can you, Mr. Diary? My day's been interesting, full of surprises actually. First, I think I just broke my arm it's really sore. I'll get the School nurse to fix it up when we arrive at school.

Anyway, I ran into Sirius Black today and I mean literally ran into him then him, and his friend James Potter, where NICE to me. Can you believe it? I certainly am trying to still get my head around it. Damn, that sounded so bad. I'm a bad person. That's why no one's nice to me. I didn't even have to tell the people, whom I stole this compartment from to move. They just knew because I'm such a bitch. You know I just realized I have absolutely no one I can go and talk to. I'm so lonely. I really need to get away from here.

Believe it or not, Diary, I DID have a friend once upon a time. We were friends right through year three to the end of year five. We're not friends anymore, unfortunately but I will tell you a bit about her because I know she definitely deserves that much.

We met at the Start of Year Feast on September first. It was third year and I guess you would have figured it out by now, Mr. Diary; I simply did not fit in.

Her name was Nicole but everyone just called her Niki. She was beautiful, with long brown hair that twirled around and round. She had these large bright blue eyes and the nicest, prettiest smile you'll ever see. You'll never get to see it Mr. Diary, you'll never meet her. It's a pity, you know, she would have liked you. She loves listeners.

We hit off right away. She was cold and a bitch to me but in a friendly way, if you can understand that. I was addicted to her attitude and that was it, we were friends. Our conversations were weird, now that I think about it. I knew everything about her but she knew nothing about me. She wasn't vain and talked about herself all the time. I just never said anything about me. Most our conversations were random things, speculations on life, the human body, the awful hairstyle the girl in front of us had and even the occasional thing like what makes the sun shine and what our favourite size for the moon was.

I really wish it didn't have to end ...

She just stopped talking to me. She didn't show up at school, no more letters and no one said a word about her. I tried so hard to find her. I listened in on every conversation. I broke in to the Staff room and searched all their files but NOTHING, absolutely nothing.

I miss her, Mr. Diary; she treated me like another human being, like an equal. She was always saying that no matter how bad things may seem, that there will always be someone out there whose got it worst and that I shouldn't pretend that no one could ever have problems as bad as mine because everyone was given the amount of problems that they could handle and though some aren't as bad as the others, we all feel just as bad. I always found it so comforting, that's why it's still in my head. I wish she were here and I wish she would talk to me.

I'm angry with her though. She made a promise to me.

But she broke it ...

Lily Evans

Lily Evans was not one to tolerate humiliation or any other way that some guys used to put down other people. Though she was not really one for caring she still surprised some when she stood up for them but what they didn't understand was that she was only drawing attention to herself so that she could prove she was still there and ready to kick anyone's ass who challenged her.

She then always disappointed by being a bitch to the one who she just stood up for when they thought they had found a new friend or somehow broken down the solid wall that surrounded Lily Evans.

Lily also liked to take out her anger on these guys. She found that magical pain was never quite as satisfying as the pain she could inflict on them with physical contact. She also found that the teachers never seemed to care how much pain she caused them. Perhaps many of them were just too scared to intervene.

Most of these known guys were Slytherins and, as usual, they began their year picking on a rather round and short Hufflepuff boy. Lily spied them out as she headed back from the Hospital Wing after getting her arm fixed.

"Well, do you have anything to say for yourself, you worthless piece of shit?" The boy whimpered and took a step away from the tall black haired Slytherin that stood in front of him, leering down on him. Lily immediately recognized him. His name was Regulus Black, someone who demanded an immense amount of respect and was rather good looking, just like his brother. People flocked to him like a moth to a flame, he was popular, and more often then not he got exactly what he wanted.

"I tried," said the boy, with a shaky voice.

"You tried?" Regulus stared at him in disbelief. "It was flawless. You should have succeeded."

Lily paused, deciding not to intervene because she was more interested in what he was trying to do.

"Let's finish him off, Black, he's useless now," said another Slytherin that Lily didn't know the name of but had seen around the school.

"Don't be a fool, that would draw unwanted attention and I need this to be discreet as possible." Regulus stared hard at the Hufflepuff boy. "He won't tell."

"How can you be so sure?" asked another Slytherin whose last name was Parkinson.

Regulus spoke to the Hufflepuff. "We may not kill you but that is only little reassurance for what's to come." Parkinson smiled, drawing out his wand. "Let's take him somewhere a bit more ... secluded."

The one Lily didn't know moved forwards, grabbing the Hufflepuff roughly by the arm, and dragged him down some more corridors and eventually to a hidden passage behind a tapestry.

The screams started before she'd even reached the tapestry. They didn't last long because they were then replaced with grunts and moans of someone hitting someone else. Deciding that she wasn't going to learn anything else, Lily stepped forwards, waving the tapestry aside with her wand.

None of them even noticed her at first but eventually Parkinson looked her way, and then grabbed the attention of the other two Slytherin. The torturing stopped.

"What do you want?" barked Parkinson.

"Don't talk like that," said Lily sincerely. "You sound like a dog." Parkinson growled at her, taking a step forward. Lily resisted the urge to laugh. Regulus was staring at her hard, with a blank look.

"What do you want?" repeated Parkinson.

"I want you to leave him alone, you fucking coward," replied Lily. Parkinson narrowed his eyes and took another step forwards. "Stop picking on people who are smaller and weaker then you."

"Everyone's smaller and weaker then me."

"I'm not."

"Do you want me to pick on you?" A smirk made it's way onto his face.

"I don't want you to pick on anyone," replied Lily.

"Oh yeah, and what are you going to do about?"

Lily started walking forwards and Parkinson waved his wand, yelling out a curse. Lily was so practiced in spells that she didn't have to speak, just wave her wand to create a shield that deflected the curse. It rebounded towards him and Parkinson barely got out of the way in time.

"Bitch!" he yelled, straightening up and looking like now it meant business. He raised his wand again.

"Stop!" said Regulus. He pushed Parkinson aside and walked as close to Lily as he dare go. "I know what you're capable of Evans, so I'm not taking any chances. I saw you talking to that unfortunate thing I have to call my brother, he sent you, didn't he?"

This time Lily did laugh. It was quick and quiet but she saw Parkinson shiver.

"We're not acquainted."

"Really?" Regulus took a tantalizing step forwards. "Then why were you talking to him?"

"He made me fall."

"He's good at that," replied Regulus accusingly.

"He literally did it. He hurt my arm again."

Regulus looked at her arm. "All better now?"

"Obviously and I hurt it so don't bother asking," said Lily answering his next question.

Regulus moved even closer to Lily, uncomfortably close. Lily shifted a bit but refused to feel intimidated. She could feel his warm breath on her face he was so close.

"What are you planning? What did he do to you?" asked Lily referring to the Hufflepuff. Regulus unwavering stare never left her face.

"How much do you know?"

"I heard something."

"What?" he pressed.

"Let the Hufflepuff go and I'll tell you."

"Go," he snapped at the boy and in seconds he had disappeared. The unknown Slytherin watched him disappear with disappointment. "Now tell me." Lily looked around herself, with wide eyes and shiftiness, feigning fear. The corners of Regulus's mouth flickered up.

"You're working for him, aren't you?" Lily had no idea who him might be but she said it anyway. They had to be working for someone. Any hint of a smile that may have appeared on Regulus's face was instantly gone.

"Who?"

"You know who."

"I'll only say it once more, Evans, what do you know?"

"Nothing. I heard that he failed to do something, that's it." Lily was growing bored of the talking. She just wanted to get to the fun part.

"She's lying," hissed Parkinson.

"No, she's not. And if she were, she wouldn't tell anyone because she doesn't care." He leaned forwards. "I know all about you." With a smile that left Lily confused, he walked past her giving one final nod to the other two. Immediately they both raised their wands.

"What does he know about me?" Lily spat out angrily.

"You're a cold-blooded killer," replied Parkinson. "Your parents are dead and they sure as hell got what they deserved." He laughed at this and Lily felt her whole body heat up as if she were on fire. "A reject - you have no friends."

"Shut up!" said Lily, her hands shaking in anger.

"You're a loner and a fucking junkie."

"Shut up!" Lily yelled it this time.

"Your one and only friend left the school because she couldn't stand you anymore."

That was too much for Lily. Her wand was up and ready and all she wanted to do was to inflict as much pain on them as possible. To have the guts to say that ...

"I'm warning you shut up or I'll -"

"You'll what? What the hell are you going to do about it?" In a fast movement that even the most trained eye would have trouble following, Lily dropped her wand arm and brought the other up, punching him hard in the stomach. Parkinson grunted and doubled over. She brought her knee up quick and it connected with his head. Grabbing his head and moaning, he dropped to the ground.

She looked over at the other one. He was standing there, a coward when he didn't have an entourage behind him. He attempted to raise his wand but Lily beat him. "Expelliarmus!"

Lily took a few steps forward until she was in front of him. She elbowed him in the face with her right side, twisting her body around and twisting it back bringing her left fist straight down upon his nose. A loud crack showed she'd broken it. He grabbed his nose and screamed in pain. Lily narrowed her eyes and punched him in the shoulder causing him to turn to the side. She brought another fist down onto his back, making him fall to the ground.

Lily turned around. Parkinson was getting up. She moved over to him, punching him as hard as she could before he could fully stand up, making him fall over again. Dropping directly on top of him, she punched his face again.

"Don't you dare say shit like that to me again." Lily punched him again. "Because this -" Punch. "Is only the beginning -" Punch. "Of what I'll do to you -" Punch. "Then you'll be -" Punch. "Sorry you ever lived -" Punch. Lily stood up and kicked him in the stomach. He groaned. "And if you try to run -" Kick. "I will hunt you down." Kick. Lily stopped and stared at Parkinson. He was a bloody mess and there were little pools of blood and even a tooth on the ground.

"Holy shit!"

Lily nearly jumped out her skin when she heard someone speak. She spun around to the entrance to the hidden corridor and found two people that she really didn't want to see at the moment.

Sirius Black walked over to her with an awed look on his face as he stared down at Parkinson.

"Is that Parkinson?" Lily didn't even bother answering; she was staring at her hands. They were covered in blood. Then she saw it, if only for a moment, a flash of a blood stained floor. She felt her hands start to shake and things started to go blurry. She saw other flashes, a face covered in blood, a blood splashed wall, blood on the bed, on the chair, even on the windows. Lily's whole body began to shake and she felt her eyes start to painfully roll around in her head.

With her shaking hands, she reached into her pocket and pulled out a small orange container with a white lid. She tried to hold onto it and open it but as the lid came off she gave a particularly hard shudder and dropped the container, spilling the contents all over the floor. Lily fell against the wall and slid down.

A few seconds later she felt someone grab her hand and place a few white capsules into it. The hand pushed her own hand to her mouth and she swallowed the capsules. Immediately the shakiness started to wear off. She grabbed another few off the ground and swallowed again.

As she calmed down, she slipped into unconsciousness ...