The Last Marauder

Dawn

Sirius had never thought that he could cry like that. Not after his time in Azkaban, he had always thought that his imprisonment there had taken away his ability to get lost in tears and sobs, his ability to feel such a deep pain and hurt.

But he still could do it, he had done so for hours now. He only wished that there was no reason to do so.

But there was a reason, and this reason was the still form of his friend Remus Lupin, lying motionless in a bed in the infirmary of Hogwarts. Remus hadn't so much as stirred since Sirius had taken his seat at the bedside again.

Even during times of emotional peace, Sirius' mind was a scary and confused place, but during the last twenty-four hours a wide scale of different emotions had begun to battle inside of him.

At first he had been trapped by the Death Eaters who were supposed to bring him to Voldemort. Right after the portkey had taken them away to the mansion, Sirius had realized that his cover had blown up. He had remembered his promise to Harry and had tried to escape, but to no avail. The only outcome of this attempt had been a rather rough beating by his two contacts. He had been angry then, angry with himself, with his own stupidity for ever believing in the success of their plan.

And then he had met him. It. The Dark Lord. Sirius considered himself to be a courageous man, but the sight of this man, this creature that the entire wizarding community dreaded like nothing else had left his marks on him. There was such an unnatural coldness surrounding Voldemort, it made every sense go numb. There was no trace of life around this man. Sirius had wondered how Harry could have ever stood up against this creature but he now fully understood why those nightmares plagued his godson. Lord Voldemort was a sight one could hardly ever be left untouched by. Let alone forget it.

Voldemort had only laughed and had practically dragged Sirius onto the yard behind the mansion. Something about that laughter had not seemed right and his increasing fears had turned into sheer panic when he had realized that Harry and Wormtail were waiting for them in the yard. Harry. How had he come there? Sirius had not known whether Harry had followed him on his own or whether he had been brought here, but the idea that his godson was there, alone with Voldemort, without the prospect of help coming soon had scared the living daylight out of Sirius.

Then the cursing had begun and afterwards everything had happened so fast that Sirius could only remember blurred pictures. Harry cursing Wormtail, then casting Avada Kedavra, Voldemort gone and then the Death Eaters who had stunned him.

But as incomplete as his memories of that event were, what had happened in Malfoy Manor later that night would forever remain in his mind. He had been frantic for Harry, his only intention had been finding him and bringing him out there alive. And then...

...then he had found Remus. Remus was alive. Alive.

As if to assure himself, he squeezed Remus' hand slightly, assuring himself that it was still warm.

Remus was alive.

Sirius' heart had skipped more than just one beat at the moment he realized this. He had not known how, he still did not know, but Remus was still there. He was not lying in a casket six feet under a birch, he had been lying there on a prank bed and he was now lying in the bed here in the infirmary, right in front of him. Sirius felt like dancing and screaming out his joy on top of his lungs, he wanted to celebrate the miracle that had happened this night, but he could not.

Because he could lose Remus once more, this time for good. He probably would lose him again. And he knew that this time it would be worse than the last time because he had done nothing to prevent it. He had not searched for his friend, he had not believed that he could still be alive. He had left his friend to suffer, had left him in this torture, he had failed him.

All because of that stupid fight two months ago. All because he had been to stubborn to admit that Remus had a point in what he had said.

Fifteen years ago he had made a mistake that had cost James' and Lily's life and he had sworn himself that he would never make such a mistake again. And now he had broken his vow. He had started this fight and then he had left Remus. If he had stayed during the transformation that night, things would have turned out different. He would have been there and maybe he would not have believed in his friend's death.

Sirius shook his head and buried his face in his hands. The tears started to dwell up in his eyes again and streamed down the wet pathways on Sirius' cheeks.

"I'm so sorry Remus. It's all my fault. I'm sorry."

His voice broke and he closed his eyes, sobbing into his palms.

The faint rustle of fabric some minutes later made him rise his head. He would ask Madam Pomfrey to give Harry a sleeping potion, the boy really needed to get some hours of decent sleep after all that had happened.

His brow frowned as he turned around towards his godson and found him lying exactly in the same position he had been in when Sirius had last checked. Harry obviously had not moved. Sirius quickly scanned the rest of the infirmary for Madam Pomfrey. The nurse was sitting on the desk in her room at the end of the ward.

Sirius shrugged his shoulders. Great, now he already started imagining things.

He took up Remus' hand again and brushed some strands of hair out of his friend's face. He gently squeezed Remus' hand and nearly fell off his chair when he felt Remus softly squeezing back.

It could not be, could it? Again, he pressed the other man's hand and again his own hand was pressed in return. Weak but nevertheless pressed.

"Moony, can you hear me?"

Remus' eyelashes fluttered slightly and again he pressed his hand.

"Wait, I'll get Madam Pomfrey."

Sirius jumped off his chair and sped towards the nurse's office. She looked at him and was just about to start scolding him for running in the infirmary when Sirius babbled out the news. She gave Sirius a quick smile and then went to examine her patient again.

For ten long minutes, Sirius paced the ward and tried to get a glimpse behind the curtains around Remus' bed. He didn't know whether he should laugh or cry, he only knew that if Madam Pomfrey wouldn't tell him soon what was going on, then he would shake it out of her.

Madam Pomfrey saved herself from that fate, because at that moment she stepped out of the curtains. Seeing the unspoken question in his eyes, she gave him a warm smile.

"He's weak and he needs to rest, but he's fine. He's dealing a lot better with the blood loss than I would have thought and the curses used on him seemed to have created no lasting damage. Maybe for once his lycanthropy has proven to be good for him. I don't think that somebody with a normal healing process would have survived this night. The physical wounds will heal and he seems to have his mind together, well at least as much as he had when he still was at school with the other three of you. He'll be fine, it will take some time but he'll be fine. I'll send one of the ghosts to tell Professor Snape. Just remember that he needs rest now, don't keep him awake."

She went off and Sirius sat down beside Remus, once again taking his hand into his own. Remus now had his eyes open and looked at Sirius, a weak smile at the corners of his mouth. He tried to speak but couldn't bring out a sound.

"Do you want some water?"

Remus merely nodded and Sirius quickly fetched him a glass of water and helped him drink it. The cool liquid felt so good running down his throat, Remus hadn't even realized how thirsty he had been. He closed his eyes for a moment and tried to focus on staying awake before he once more turned towards Sirius.

"One can't get a decent night's sleep here without you interfering."

His voice sounded hoarse, as if his vocal chords were not working properly yet and the words came out slow and with long pauses in between. Sirius raised his hands in a gesture of innocence.

"Hey, I didn't do anything to wake you up!"

Remus smiled.

"Only sobbed so loud that Hagrid surely has heard you as well."

Sirius laughed.

"Was it so bad? Sorry."

But Remus didn't pay attention. His eyes had come to rest on the sleeping form of Harry.

"What's wrong with Harry? Why is he lying there?"

"Shhh, it's alright. He's just exhausted so I told him to sleep. I'll tell you later." He looked into Remus' eyes and suddenly it all flooded out of him.

"Oh Merlin, Moony I thought you were dead. Everybody thought. I...I went to your funeral, it...I can't find any words to describe how awful that was. I...I thought I had lost you..."

Remus squeezed his hand tightly. "I know."

Sirius' eyes widened. "How...?"

"Malfoy was so kind to supply me with the Daily Prophet nearly every day. I've seen the pictures from the funeral. Sirius, I'm so sorry..."

"Don't be, it wasn't you fault."

"I mean about what I've said. That day when we were fighting, before they kidnapped me. I shouldn't have said that, I realized that it made things even worse for you. And I really didn't mean it. The thought that you were mourning for me drove me mad. I wanted nothing more than telling you that I'm alive. I wanted to tell you how sorry I am, I wanted to hold you, to tell you that everything was all right but I couldn't. I'm so sorry."

Sirius shook his head.

"Don't be. That we fought was my fault and not yours. I should have started talking about Azkaban ages ago. We can talk about everything that's happened when you're up again, it's not important now.

You're back and you're alive, that's all that matters now. For a couple of hours I was afraid of loosing you again. Loosing you without telling how much you mean to me would have been too much to bear, not once again.

Remus, I...I want you to know that despite how badly we might fight in the future, despite all awful things that I might say to you in the heat of the moment, I love you. You're my friend, you're my pack mate, my brother and I love you. Nothing can change that."

Whatever reaction Sirius had expected, it had not been Remus starting to laugh. As glad as he was that he could hear that warm laughter again, all he could do was give his friend a very puzzled look. Remus' amber eyes were gleaming mischievously.

"Sirius, if you are going to propose to me, at least you should get down on your knees."

Remus started laughing softly again and Sirius just sat there, opening and closing his mouth like a goldfish. Finally, he gained control over his ability to talk again.

"Call yourself lucky that I would never strike an injured man. But I'll pay you back on this one." Then he too started laughing. It felt strange, but nevertheless good to laugh again.

"Oh sure you will Padfoot, I don't doubt that."

Remus stifled a yawn and Sirius' protective mode kicked into gear.

"You need to sleep now. Madam Pomfrey will have my head if I keep you awake. We can talk later."

Remus nodded and relaxed back into the mattress while Sirius made himself comfortable in the chair. Just as he was about to close his eyes, he heard Remus' sleepy voice once more.

"Sirius?"

"Hmm?"

"Love you too, Padfoot."

Having said this, Remus closed his eyes and drifted off to sleep immediately. Sirius smiled and once more pressed his friend's hand gently.

Then he closed his eyes and thanked all the gods he knew for bringing Remus back to him.