Confessions: A Tale of Locked Doors and Deception

CHAPTER THE FIFTH

Would somebody please shoot me in the head and end my suffering now? On January 17^th, as we celebrated his thirty-seventh birthday, Remus told me the pixie and the leprechaun were coming to visit Hogwarts for the following weekend.

"Remus! Why do they have to visit? Flitwick's wife doesn't come to visit him! Owl her right now to tell her not to!" The corner of his mouth twitched as he tried not to smirk. He took my hand in his and said,

"Parvati, Flitwick's wife is Miriam Doherty, the Muggle Studies professor. She has no reason to visit him. And anyway, how can I deny my wife and son a chance to visit me?"

"You saw them two weeks ago."

"Parvati. It's my wife's birthday this weekend, and today is mine. She has every right to come see my, any ways. Let me finish. Parvati, as much as you or I may wish, or think otherwise, she is my wife. I took the marital vows, the nuptial spell was cast..."

"And a fine job you've done keeping those vows". His eyes flashed.

"Parvati, I've not yet hit a woman out of anger, but do not tempt me. You think that I don't realize that I am breaking every law of god and man? Do you honestly think the thought of her doesn't plague me every time I look at you? I swear, a better man than I would never have even let this occur, and I have tried. Try as I might, Parvati, I love you, and I cannot leave you. But I can't leave her, either."

All the pent-up rage and frustration present since our first kiss had escaped, and here I saw a man whose face was laced with despair, his crumpled body agonized by his thoughts. When I had first met him, he had been so noble; I had to reinstate that nobility.

"Remus, It doesn't have to go on like this... you could get a divorce, or I..." He gave a hollow chuckle.

"That would go over well. ' Meddie, I've fallen in love with my sixteen-year-old student and I want a divorce.' Things just don't work out that way." The full blow of everything he had said finally settled on my unwilling ears.

"Remus... I'm sorry." Smiling, he wrapped me in his arms.

"Sorry? For what, being beautiful? No, 'Vati, I should be the one apologizing to you. I've known this was wrong since it began, but it's what keeps me going every day. You, Parvati Patil, are my heart and my soul, and I'm scared to give them up. I don't think I can."

"Don't." I raised my head from his chest, and with a raging passion, drove my lips into his.

His kiss was not so much a kiss of desire or tenderness as it was of desperation and an urge to fill that hole that our argument had dug. For me, it was out of pure love for this man and to heal his broken spirit. He, bruising my body with his fervent kisses, searched for solace and was disheartened at his inability to find it. As I pulled him down to me, I wept for the lie we were forced to live.

***

On Saturday, January 21^st, pixie-girl arrived. She wore a forest green open front robe with a white crew neck jumper and denim trousers. Her chestnut curly locks were cut close to her head, and her pointed features were entirely devoid of makeup. I scoffed at her appearance; she looked like a twelve-year-old boy; her physique, apparel and visage were plain, angular, and boring. She really should have bought some concealer; she had small wrinkles and blotches all over her face. Nothing too noticeable, but she was married to Remus. Their son had inherited her elven charm as well.

I had promised myself that I would not skulk around the station. I would walk around Hogsmeade with Lavender and company at the usual places. But en route to the Three Broomsticks, the train came in and I saw them get off. She flung her arms around her husband's neck as his son attacked his knees. To my great relief, he reciprocated her embrace with an awkward pat on the back after a brief hug, then reached down, and threw his son in the air.

Lavender, always ready for gossip, squealed,

"Ooh... who's that?" Sullenly, behind my pasted on grin, I replied,

"Lupin's wife, Medugorje. That's their son, Patrick." Monseralte raised a bleached-blonde eyebrow.

"He's married? She's quite fairy-like, hmm? Looks like she'd snap in two if the wind blew the wrong way, doesn't she?" Giving a half smirk, I saw Lavender greeting the happy family.

"Oh no..." but they were already here. Remus smiled at us, or maybe it was his monkey of a son squirming on his back.

"Having fun, girls? This is my wife, Medugorje, and this is Patrick. Meddie, these are my students: Lavender Brown, Caeleen McDougal, Monseralte Moon, and... Parvati Patil". I curtly nodded, trying to disguise my contempt and disgust.

"I apologize, Professor, but you'll have to excuse us." I seized Caeleen's hand and headed towards a sign labeled 'Lavatories'. I felt like I was going to be sick.

***

That night, I had to get my mind busy or my thoughts would drift to the thought of Meddie the hedgehog in my love's arms. (Hedgehog? Pointy face, sticky-up hair... hedgehog.) Lavender had finally started to make our lovely little potion. As I shelled pomegranate seeds, Lavender and Monseralte were amazed at my simple acquirement of the Nightshade.

"How did you get it, after all? It's illegal for sale if you don't have a Class-A trade permit, and Snape hasn't been especially bitchy to us lately, so you didn't steal it from him. Or else he doesn't notice, " said Caeleen.

"Er... I asked Lupin if he could get me some. He cooperated."
" What... does it keep Letherfolds at bay, or something?"

"No... I told him the truth. The only conditions are a) we don't use it on him, and b) it somehow gets into Snape's morning pumpkin juice." Streams of tears ran down our faces as we giggled uncontrollably. Hermione, through half giggle-sobs, explained,

"Lupin hates Snape. Hmm... If only we could arrange..." Monseralte stopped mid-giggle with anticipation.

"Arrange what? Exactly how does this potion work, anyway?" It was now Hermione's turn to smirk.

"Eros' Ambrosia is administrated orally. It is immediately absorbed into the system, and the next animal or human it sees becomes the object of affection, regardless of sex. For the next twenty-four hours, until the potion wears out, the victim will pursue its love... often loudly, complete with recited sonnets and love ballads. I was going to say that we should arrange for Snape to fall in love with Neville. We have double potions on Valentine's Day, so it would be highly amusing, don't you agree?" Lavender's eyes sparkled.

" 'Mione, you're a genius!" As we giggled and carried on with talk of ludicrous pairings, I realized that I had grown up, unable to partake as I used to. I was mature beyond my years, and never again would I be able to go back to the normal life of a sixteen-year-old witch.

***

That night in bed, after this realization, I pondered why I had fallen so in love with Remus. I remembered one of the first things he had said to me in the aftermath of our first kiss: "Parvati, what do you want from an old man?" Parvati, what do you want from an old man. But to me, he wasn't an old man. Though his hair grayed and laugh-lines deepened, his face would always be handsome. His gray eyes were what I had been attracted to at first; they were so clear and filled with compassion, understanding, and a love of life. His strong features seemed as if they might break into a mischievous grin at any moment; he would be ever young.

But it was not only his looks that had drawn me to him; as a matter of fact, that would have been one of the very least. He had taught here at Hogwarts before, in my third year, and I had studied him then, but out of curiosity rather than lust. He had an easy manner that made you as comfortable with him as if you were with your best friend. You could tell him anything, do anything you wished, open yourself entirely to him. Though the Slytherins taunted him relentlessly, their efforts were returned with nothing but courtesy, humor and kindness, the traits he showed everyone else. His wry sense of humor left all he subjected to it, at the very least, pleasantly amused. He carried himself with dignity, confidence, and something I couldn't quite place. It was that certain something that made me desire him above everything else. I though of what it could be, and the idea of sensuality came to my mine. No, that wasn't it - but that thought brought the image of his wife in his arms. Where I should have been... but could not.

***

I avoided him for the rest of her stay. Whenever I would see the happy trio in the corridors, I would duck behind a suit of armor (emerging dusty and pained - the suits didn't appreciate being hidden behind). Happy. He didn't need me at all.

Finally, the wench and her son left. I was overjoyed, but could not brush aside the notion that I was little more than a pretty toy to keep in his bed. The idea haunted me; I had to find out if it was true of not at our next evening meeting.

"You've been avoiding me, Parvati." This was not an accusation, merely an offhand statement. A statement that made my blood boil.

"Oh, no, not at all. Why would I avoid watching your wife hang all over you, along with your bastard brat? No, no, no, I wanted to partake in the reunion." He was taken aback and at a loss for words. I continued.

"You seemed perfectly happy with her, I don't know why you even bother with me."

"Parvati, Medugorje is my dearest friend. Why, she's the only one I have left besides a convicted criminal in the disguise of a grim, and th-"

"But you don't sleep with him, now, do you?" He smirked like a bemused cat.

"So jealously finally settles in. Now, don't act surprised, dear, it's all on your face. You've been acquainted with what you perceive to be the 'competition', and you're resenting it more and more. 'Vati, it's a disease, humor it and it will only eat away at you."

"Who's the disease, pixie-girl? Remus, why do you even bother with me?" Simply, he replied,

"I love you."

"So you say. Why do you love a child? I'm sixteen, Remus. You have no reasons to love me besides pure lust and desire."

"It's true. I do desire you, but not only for your physical attributes. Though you hide it from your peers for acceptance's sake, you are wise beyond your years, but yet you hold a vivacity that suits your age. That is a rare combination. I desire your youth and your joy, and also your company. You are the only person, besides James and Sirius, who loved me unconditionally, no questions asked. Even my parents held disappointment and loathing in their eyes when they looked at me. Meddie knows nothing about that aspect of my past that prejudices most, or, if she does, she denies or overlooks it. You accept my flaws and embrace them. Though no one can understand why he or she loves, I believe that is a part. A great part".

"Remus... I love you." He pulled me down to him on the floor.

" And I've missed you." I moved to his shirt.

"No, none of that tonight. Tonight, I just want to hold you and relish your very existence." And so we lay there by the moonlit window, holding one another and wishing never to let go.