Foldermort and his (Apparently) Evil Green Minions

Foldermort and his (Apparently) Evil Green Minions

Part Three: Foldermort, Voldemort and Rowlingmort-3 Generations of Evil

"Harry, do you know who Foldermort is?" Dumbledore asked Harry as soon as the meeting was formally adjourned.

"No, and I don't think I want to know, either." Harry replied with conviction.

"You'll have to learn the truth, sooner or later, and now is as good a time as any." McGonagall spoke from behind them.

"All right then." Harry sighed.

"Foldermort was, well, actually, is, the Dark Lord that is ruling now that Voldemort has gone. He taught Voldemort in the ways of evil, and fashioned Voldemort into his successor. Voldemort was probably one of the most powerful ones, but there have been many over the ages. Each wreaked havoc on the world-Muggle and wizarding, but recently they have become more specific in who they hit." Dumbledore explained.

"I see...So they're looking for another one now?" Harry asked.

"Most likely. Few can be an evil lord, let alone the ruling one, and they are extremely hard to find." Dumbledore sighed. "You may be one they sought after."

"What am I supposed to do then?" Harry said, bewildered by the news that he could become one of them.

"Never give in to the dark side." Dumbledore said abruptly as he got up. "Come now, we must prepare Voldemort for burial. Evil lord he may have been, there is a kind soul in there somewhere." He exited the room, and made his way towards the Quidditch pitch where Voldemort was still lying on the grass.

***

They laid out Voldemort in a lovely black varnished treated pine coffin, complete with stiff cushions, in a clean black robe, with all the usual flowers and stuff. He was put in the Not So Great Hall, so everyone could pay their respects to him.

One fine day, when Hermione had finally finished her homework, which had altogether too much detail in it, Harry, Hermione and Ron all paid a visit to Voldemort in his wooden suit. When they got there, they saw Draco Malfoy and Dumbledore, both deep in thought, on opposite sides of the coffin. Draco was propped up against a chair, as he was still in his full body cast. He had managed to convince Madam Pomfrey that he didn't need any more help, just his wand and his left hand free.

"Oh. It's you." Draco looked up when they inched in quietly.

"Yes." Ron said, puffing up his chest and trying to look important, "It's us."

"Hello Harry, Ron, Hermione." Dumbledore said, eyes twinkling, "Come to see Voldemort?"

"Yes. We thought we might. I'll finally get a proper look at him." Harry joked, "He's always on the run, and between fighting off his blows and exchanging a few words with him, I never got the chance to have a nice, long stare."

"Well, I'll leave you to it, then." Dumbledore ambled out, whistling tunelessly.

"So this is how he looked like." Hermione exhaled, whistling, "pretty cute for a what—um, sixty-eight year old?"

Voldemort, having returned to his "human" form, had black hair, greying at the temples, and relatively smooth skin. His features were well spaced, and...he had Darth Maul contact lenses?

"These are the best sheets I've slept in for a long time." Voldemort said as he sat up in his coffin, flashing a brilliant white smile at them all.

"You're alive?" Ron asked, slightly miffed, "I thought Foldermort had killed you."

"Oh no, not at all. You see, he didn't use the Avada Kedavra curse on me, he used a variation of it, to put me into a sort of suspended animation, although I could get out of it whenever I wanted to. I was just waiting for you lot to come along." Voldemort smiled again.

"So...can you do this on yourself?" Hermione asked curiously.

"Of course." Voldemort said as he swept by, looking behind the tapestries and under the tables for something. "Have you seen Foldermort around here?" he continued.

"What's the spell?" Harry added.

"Um, Averdian Kedavrail, I think." Voldemort continued, trying to pry the vent covers off, and tapping the wood panelling.

"I wonder how useful it will be in Potions." Ron said.

"I strongly suspect that Snape won't like it. He's a boy after my own heart." Voldemort said, opening a previously unseen trapdoor. "Nope. Not down there."

"I don't see why you'd want to use it in Potions. Divination would be much better to pretend to kill yourself. Then Trelawney would think that something she's said has actually come true." Hermione said waspishly, "Come on, you guys. Voldemort has been walking around for five minutes and you haven't even killed him?"

"You know, Harry, she's right." Draco said, trying to turn around to face them, "Why don't you just get rid of him here and now?"

"Because he has something better to do." Foldermort said from the doorway, "He wants Voldemort to kill me first, or even better, we kill each other. Voldemort and I, I mean." He added quickly after seeing Harry's venomous look.

"Your time has past, Foldermort. You are not as strong as you used to be." Voldemort said, walking quickly towards Foldermort.

"The same applies for you." Foldermort replied easily, "We need a new apprentice."

"Not we, I!" snarled Voldemort, "I should have finished you off when I came into power!" he was now in the room, the two of them on either ends of the coffin.

"You know none of us ever die." Foldermort said.

"Yeah, well, you know." Voldemort made a little motion with his hands, "Pfft."

"Precisely." Dumbledore said, appearing in the doorway. "Pfft." He raised his arms, and cleaved Foldermort's head from its rightful resting-place on Foldermort's shoulders. As he did so, Foldermort crumbled into a pile of dust on the floor.

"Ugh. I hate it when really evil people die inside buildings. Leaves an awful lot of cleaning for us." Filch crawled in on his hands and knees, wielding a dustpan.

"Thank you, Dumbledore. I always hate killing the ones I adore most." Voldemort said, "Now on to the problem of my successor." He paced around the room for several minutes, with everyone else watching intently. A few more people trickled in, wanting to watch the final showdown. Nobody paid attention to anything but Voldemort, and soon most of the school was in the Not So Great Hall, packed shoulder to shoulder, like sardines.

"Get out!" Voldemort said, stopping for a moment, "I need room to pace!" he waved his hands at them, and some of the more timid students scurried away to more pleasant pursuits. Now there was a ten metre radius around Voldemort, and he paced away, looking at all the students and teachers from beneath his rather long and curly eyelashes. A minute passed. Then another minute passed. And then another minute passed, this one much quicker. Then a slow minute passed. And another slow minute passed. Then a completely different minute passed. And then another quick minute passed. Finally, Voldemort came to a stop in front of a little first year.

"I choose you!" Voldemort pointed at the girl, and lightning crackled overhead. Voldemort stretched out both of his hands. "Your name will be-" he paused, and thunder rolled, "I'm sorry, what is your name?" he asked quietly. A titter went through the crowd.

"Shut up!" he roared. "Your name, dear?" he asked the first year.

"Uh, Joanne." The girl said quietly, "Joanne Rowling."

"Your name shall now be Rowlingmort!" Voldemort thundered. "Long live Rowlingmort!" he lifted Joanne Rowling into the air and held her like a trophy.

"Behold the new dark lord!" Voldemort shouted, "Praise her!"

The Slytherins cheered, while the rest of Hogwarts was quiet. Soon Draco was the only one left cheering on Voldemort and Rowlingmort. He realised everyone was staring, turned red and stopped.

Voldemort continued. "Our new motto: Orbis Non Suffit! Take this girl and make her the Dark Lord of all times!" Voldemort started kow-towing to a speck of dust on the ground. "Oh great almighty Lords of time long gone, make this girl your new vessel- One of despair, suffering and anger!" Then Voldemort realised he was making a spectacle of himself in front of the whole of Hogwarts. He stopped. "Oh. Ahem. Okay, you can go now." He let go of the girl, and stood in the middle of the room, not quite sure what to do.

Then the storm that had so quickly gathered abated again, and the sun shone brighter than it ever has before. Harry stepped out of the crowd, Godric Gryffindor's sword in hand.

"I'm sorry, Voldemort, but I have to kill you now." He began to raise his sword, but ghosts of his mother and father appeared.

"Not so quickly, son." James Potter said, "We want to have a go at him as well."

Lily smiled. "Tie him up and stick him in the stocks."

"Let's get him!" Ron shouted and rushed forward to tie Voldemort up, and start the torture. Many others, anxious to give a whack to Voldemort, also surged forward in a sea of frenzy. Harry stuck his fingers in his mouth and whistled. Everything in the room stopped, including the seventh years making out in a sheltered alcove.

"Okay everyone, take it slowly. One person at a time. Three hits only. Then you either go to the back of the line, or do your own thing away from Voldemort. Line starts here with Ron." Harry pointed to a spot not far from where he was standing. As soon as he had finished talking, things continued just as they did before. Draco and the rest of the Slytherins, however, were huddled in a corner.

"I don't see what's so great about the whole stoning Voldemort to death thing." Draco said to Crabbe.

"Perhaps it's because Voldemort's been such an idiot." Snape said from behind them.

"What?" Draco said in disbelief.

"Oh yes. Voldemort's my hero. I want to be just like him when I grow up." Harry said in a squeaky voice that sounded similar to Draco's own voice. "Ooh, Voldie, my hero!" he fluttered his eyelashes.

"Shut up, Potter. You're not fluttering your eyelashes right. It's more like this." Draco started to demonstrate, but then realised where he was and who was there with him, and thought better of it. "Oh, and you can also see your eyelashes better if you tint them." He added.

"Thanks for the tip, Malfoy." Harry said happily, as he turned to Ron, "Ron, pay up." Harry held out his hand.

"But he didn't say he was a-" Ron protested.

"Isn't the whole eyelash thing proof?" Harry said quietly.

"Well..." Ron thought for a bit.

"Okay then. Oy, Malfoy!" Harry yelled at Draco to get his attention.

"What, Potter?" Draco said trying to sound menacing, "Need more beauty tips?"

"Well, no, actually. You might want to have a nice little talk to Hermione about that. Anyway, getting back to the subject on hand," Harry said, drawing a breath, "Malfoy, do you use uh, you know?"

Draco looked surprised. "Why Potter, I thought you would have known. Of course I don't peroxide my hair. Think of what it does! So harmful. Oh no, I use magic."

"See?" Harry said triumphantly.

"Fine then." Ron dug 2 Knuts out of his pocket and gave them to Harry.

"Thanks." Harry said, "Now back to torturing Voldemort."

By this time the line had gone down considerably, and Harry, Ron and Hermione attacked Voldemort with vigour.

***

The chaos that ensued cannot be put into words. Let's just say that Voldemort died a humiliating death with lots of rotten tomatoes, eggs and cabbages-courtesy of Peeves. Lily and James had a good poke at Voldemort with some implements they had picked up, and Harry and Company also had fun. Rowlingmort still lives on today. You know who she is. Don't you?