Harry Potter & the Monkey of Doom

Harry Potter & The Monkey of Doom

Chapter 1: Drills
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Harry Potter woke up one summer morning to the sound of drilling.

"Uncle Vernon? Is that you?" he called out.

It's a good thing that his uncle couldn't hear him, because he'd have been punished for asking a question. Harry Potter got up and began to explore the house, searching for the source of the noise.

The drilling was in fact due to the construction of a new shop some blocks away. The reason for the perceived noise was an interesting audial phenomenon called the "sonarifius maximus" which caused the magical ear to vibrate in a way that was magical.

Harry Potter stared at this last sentence with some alarm.

"Hey, author! That's right, I'm talking to you, buster. What the hell do you think you're doing with such lousy constructions?"

"Uh, Harry ... are you talking about the drilling?" the author asked.

"Are you English or retarded? I'm talking about your sentence structure, word choice, grammar, spelling... your entire usage of the English language is incredibly flawed! Go evolve into a more intelligent life-form, you monkey!"

"Ah, abuse?"

"Yes, that's right. I'm insulting you, the author, to your fa-- wait, do you have a face? I'm insulting you directly to your pen."

"Insults, insults. We'll see what we can do about that..."

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* ! LAST MINUTE EDITING CHANGE ! THIS MANUSCRIPT IS CHANGING! *

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

* Author inserts SNAPE, SEVERUS Potions master and git (greasy) *

* Author inserts MALFOY, DRACO Smarmy, arch-rival (clean) *

* Author inserts CRABBE (????) De-evolved copy of author (???) *

* Author inserts GOYLE (????) uh, another one (?!!) *

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"A thousand points from Gryffindor for your cheek and pink boxers, Potter!"

"I always expected he slept in the raw," drawled Malfoy.

"Commando?" grunted Crabbe.

Goyle scratched himself.

Harry screamed.

"Grumpy in the mornings, eh, Potter?" asked the author. "Let's try this again..."

Chapter 1: Drills
*****************

Harry Potter woke up one summer morning to the sound of drilling.

"Uncle Vernon? What the hell are you doing? It's the crack of dawn! It's seven bloody o'clock!"

"Get down here, boy!" yelled Uncle Vernon.

Harry groaned and rolled out of bed onto the floor. "OW!"

"Boy! I hope you haven't damaged your fine new boxers! We had to search high and low for satin undies your size."

Harry rolled his eyes and muttered, "Always satin, never silk."

"Now, really... is this relevant?" Harry asked the author. "They don't really need to know that I wear pink satin boxers... do they?"

"Just shut up and pay attention. Haven't you learned your lesson from the last chapter?" asked the author.

"What last chapter?"

"Never mind; just get on with it, Potter."

Harry rolled his eyes again and wandered down to the kitchen where he knew his fat-ass uncle would be waiting.

"What can I do for you, Uncle Fat-Ass?" Harry asked, shocked at his own words. "Author... you're killing me here..." he whispered urgently with his teeth clenched.

"You'll be fine, Harry... live and learn."

"Harry! I will not punish you for being a bad-ass. I just got the largest order of drills of my career this morning! What with all of the money I've just made, I bought nearly a pound of cocaine and I'm high as a kite. I've spent the entire morning debating whether I should retire from drills (having exhausted the market) or should continue in this massively succesful venture. Have a sniff?"

"Um, no, thank you, Uncle Vernon," Harry replied, looking both surprised and relieved. "I didn't realize that you... "

"Oh, I don't! It's just the author. I was worried when I read the script, but I'm glad now. The blue mixes with the sea-drill so well."

"Right... so who bought all the drills?"

"Y3S! R4D10 Sh4C|

"Please, uncle, no L337 SP34|

"Radio Shack, boy. It's an electronics shop that's opening down the road. I saw a man standing near that lot that's been empty for ages and I convinced him to buy thirty-four thousand drills and eight drill bits."

"Ok, Uncle Vernon. You've been drinking too, haven't you?"

"Whee!"

Harry left Number Four in search of sanity. Just as Harry was about to leave Privet Drive, he was struck by two moving objects.

They were there and they were looking for him.

Chapter 2: Donuts
*****************

Harry left Privet Drive in search of Radio Shack.

"Hey author? Let's get rid of the drug issue, huh? Uncle Vernon would be high if he'd sold that many drills anyway."

"Hmm? Yeah, sure whatever you want..." the author replied absent-mindedly. "Please just get on with the plot."

Harry left Privet Drive in search of Radio Shack. He did not have to look far, however, because he had only to follow the sound of the drilling and make his way to the only open lot for miles.

A group of burly men wearing construction hats and looking both fat and busy were eating donuts near the lot. They each had drills in their hands and were making holes in their donuts as they ate them.

"Hi!" said Harry with animation. They were the first marginally interesting beings Harry had seen in the vicinity of Privet Drive. They did not answer, but the man in the yellow hat turned to the others and muttered, "Boy."

The other men nodded wisely. Harry noticed that after each bite, the men would drill another hole in their donuts.

"I'm sorry to bother you, but I was hoping you could explain what you are doing?"

"Eight-millimeter bit," said the yellow-hatted man to the others. "Give me the money." All the men paused to hand the yellow-hatted man three donuts, a drill-bit, and a dollar, before returning to their drills and donuts and ignoring Harry.

Suddenly Yellow turned to Harry. "You want to know, boy?"

"Y-yes," said Harry, cautiously.

"Then bite this donut." But before Harry could bite the donut, the man added, "a huge bite!" So Harry sunk his teeth into the donut, cutting off an entire section of donut leaving only a C-shaped pastry.

"How many donuts do you have left?" the man asked Harry.

Harry was confused. "Less than one."

"The donut is defined by the hole. You have no donuts left. All you have, topologically, is a regular sphere. In the eye of the donut wielder, this is nothing at all. To regain your donut, you must drill a hole in this (topological) sphere."

"Ahhhh," said Harry. "You mean you gentlemen are eating donuts, but the number of donuts is preserved?"

"Precisely," said Yellow with approval. "We are the Saints of Saint-Donut. We eat our fill of donuts, but the number of donuts never changes. We preserve the balance of all that is holey-- that is, donuts."

"Our ritual for the morning, however, is over." He clapped his hands, saying, "Back to work, brothers."

Harry thanked the man for the interesting lesson and promised that he'd be back for more learning at lunch-time.

But, as he was leaving, he was struck by two moving objects.

They were there and they were looking for him.