Coeur Pur

"When mom and dad came home the evening after you'd left, they got furious at first. Dad went completely mental - I don't think I've ever seen him that mad. He and mom spent all evening shouting insult after insult into the air. And I admit I was a bit scared, because they said really nasty things about you. I actually thought for a while they were going to go out and find you just to get the pleasure of finishing you off, but when I woke up the next morning it became quite clear that they weren't about to try and find you... They had burned your name of the family tree sometime during the night or morning."

Regulus searched for a reaction in Sirius face, but this didn't come as a surprise to Sirius, as he had expected it would happen some time before he even ran away from home.

"But you should know, I didn't tell them about Lupin," Regulus added, throwing Remus a glance.

"Why not? Afraid they'd get mad because you didn't kill him when you had the chance?" said Sirius coldly.

"No. But it's not like it would have made any difference anyway. The last week before school, there was this really uncomfortable mood hanging in the house. Dad just walked the rooms grunting angrily every now and then, while mom mostly sat silent in the living room or out in the garden. I was sure that as soon as I wasn't near, they were talking about you. I could hear dad trying to comfort mom in his plump and clumsy way at night when they thought I was asleep. Mostly he just made things worse, saying stuff like 'He always was a failure' or 'That kid was lost ever since we got him...' It was the first time I ever heard mom cry."

Sirius gave a low snort and looked around; his friends all listened closely to Regulus, obviously eager to hear what happened next.

"When I was off to school, it looked as though she was trying to locate you on the platform, hoping that she'd see your face or something. And in every letter she's sent me so far, she sneaks in suggestions about you, without actually mentioning your name... The next letter is just sadder than the previous. And this morning I got a letter from dad. He's never sent me a letter before, never."

Regulus paused for a moment and looked at the four who was silently watching and listening to his story; Peter, whose mouth was slightly open, James and Remus, who looked as grown up and wise as they always seemed to do - a quality Regulus secretly envied, and Sirius, whose eyes were still cold and his facial expression still solid as stone.

"She's changed. Dad says he's never seen her this way before and he doesn't know what to do."

He started rummaging about in his bag, then pulled out a letter and began to read aloud from it.

"'I've never seen your mother this way. She's distant and cold and hardly responses to anything. Whenever I see her, she's staring into thin air, like she has become apathetic. She paces the house like a zombie. The first weeks after you left for school, she cried every now and then and acted emotional whenever spoken to about you or your brother, but she doesn't even do that any longer. Before all of this, I have never seen your mother cry. You know her, Regulus, the only feelings that she has ever admitted to have are pride and determination. I am puzzled, I must say. Since she's not really sick, I can't take her to St. Mungo's, but I can't seem to think of anything other to do, other than one thing.'"

For a second, Regulus' gaze flew upwards towards his brother, but before he noticed, Regulus was back to reading from the letter in his hands.

"'This all began when your brother left and it is possible he could also help her get back to normal again. If you get the chance to speak to him at school, I would appreciate it if you informed him about the way things are. If you mothers state doesn't improve soon, it is very possible I will personally get in contact him.' And then there's some other stuff as well, but that was the most important part."

Regulus put the letter back into his school bag and looked at Sirius, waiting for an answer that didn't come.

"Aren't you going to say anything?"

"I did warn you."

"I just don't get it. She's your mother; don't you care about her health? She might never get out of this depression. Losing a child is a terrible thing to go through."

"I'm sorry, Regulus," said Sirius, for the first time sounding human since they'd started this conversation, "but I can't go back. I know it's hard for you to understand, but living in that house has always been a nightmare for me. I've never felt at home there. I hate my family. I always have. And if I had to run away for mom to realise that she loves me, then that's too bad, but also yet another proof that she never really cared about me when I lived like a slave under her hand. None of you ever saw me as the person I am. You all took for granted that I wanted to live the way you do, but I don't, and I never will. I can't go back. I don't want to go back. I can't pretend to care about her, because I really don't. I have no love for that woman whatsoever. I know it sounds horrible, but it's the truth."

Sirius' eyes seemed glassy and tried hard to avoid eye contact with Regulus. Both of them sat looking down into the ground.

"Can't you at least - you know, talk to her? And explain why you left? Give her closure, you know?"

"No. I don't ever want to set foot in that house again and I don't want to speak to mom and dad again. I've cut off all bonds I've ever had to them, and I should let you know that I intend to do the same with you."

There was an unspoken sadness and a tone of remorse in the air, the clouds all seemed to hang heavier than before and the sun had gone into hiding. The air they breathed into their lungs seemed damp and thick and there appeared to be no winds or sounds.

"You - you're absolutely sure about all of this?"

"Yeah."

"Then, I guess there's nothing I - or anyone else - can do or say to change your mind?"

"No, there isn't."

For a moment, the Black-brothers looked each other in the eye with a small hint of affection, but within seconds, that moment had passed and Regulus had risen from the grass.

"I - I guess I'll see you around then..."

"No, you won't."

"Right..."

Heaving his bag over his shoulder, Regulus left them, bracing himself hard not to turn and get a last look of his brother.

For a couple of minutes or so, the four boys who called themselves the Marauders sat quietly in the grass, not daring to look at each other, so they were all looking in different directions. Then Sirius stood up, shaking his long hair out of his eyes, looked towards Hogwarts' castle and then walked in the opposite direction, following the shore of the lake.

"Sirius," James called after him, but he gave no response.

His friends did not pursue him, for neither of them could think of a thing to say to him once they were by his side. Instead, they watched as he became a small dot on the other side of the lake, sitting down and throwing tiny rocks into the water. He needed, perhaps, to be alone, or so they thought to themselves to ease their own conscience.

Sometimes you just to need to sit alone and throw rocks into a lake.