The Cock Which Crows

It was 10:00, and time for the competition. Hermione had insisted that the rest of the staff witness the 'humiliation', as she put it, and had fixed the time and place that the greatest number of teachers would be available to witness it. 'I had better not lose,' Severus thought savagely while he went to his quarters to change into his casual clothes. He had decided that he was going to completely ignore Hermione, perhaps lose on purpose. Severus doubted he would win, but the price her would have to pay would not be too bad. Just a spell! What could it do? He pulled on a pair of leather pants, a black muscle shirt, his leather jacket, and his sunglasses, and went out to the staff room, the unfortunate room that was to host the competition. All the other teachers were there, and so was Hermione. But she looked different. Very different. She looked- SEXY!

Hermione had decided that it was time to play with Severus' emotions. Perhaps tempt him, and leave him hanging. She had decided to transfigure her already somewhat revealing clothes into something really slutty. She had told Minerva about her plan, and the two giggling women had decided on an irresistible outfit. Hermione was now wearing a cropped halter top and an abnormally high miniskirt. 'That'll show him,' she thought, smiling inwardly at his shock. She had to admit that he was looking very sexy in his regular clothes, and was secretly very attracted to him, but she shook herself out of the temporary reverie and decided to concentrate on the task at hand. "Ready?" Hermione asked slyly.

"Sure, sure, whatever," he said.

"OK. Number one: a thorny rose."

"That's easy. A horny rose."

"Number two: The teachings of Lao-Tzu."

"Come on! You're joking, right? He was the one who created the yin-yang which clearly represents two people having oral sex."

"Number three: A banana."

Severus looked at her with a look of contempt that clearly said 'surely you can do better'. He simply pointed between his legs.

"Number four: ..."

And so the competition continued. Severus was doing abnormally well. 'I suppose being horny has a positive effect on the creativity of your dirty mind,' he mused silently. 'The way I'm going, I might have a chance at sleeping with her.' The next, and last, question startled him. 'Or maybe not.'

"Number fifty: Pink fuzzy bunnies."

"OK, OK, you win." Severus lifted his hands in defeat. "Put a spell on me and be done with it. I only hope its legal. If you were planning the Avada Kedavra, I might have to set the ministry on you."

"Oh!" Hermione said maliciously. "I was thinking of something MUCH worse." She pointed her wand at his face. "Excharactario!"

Severus opened his mouth to say that no such spell existed, but the first thing that came out of his mouth surprised even himself. "These are the ten things I want!

10. The DADA job

9. Neville shot

8. Lockhart neutered

7. Britney Spears

6. Lupin put down

5. Stop having that dream about handcuffs

4. Not being a sex symbol

3. Stop having Trelawney pester me for sexual favours

2. No students

1. Sirius Black tied up, in a sound-proof room with an array of surgical implements

Isn't that just dandy?"

"Wow! Why did I say that!" he said, thoroughly embarrassed. The rest of the staff were rolling on the floor in hopeless mirth. He tried to tell them to stop laughing, and all that came out was a VERY humiliating sentence. "I'm so horny."

"What the fuck is going on?" said Severus, turning to a prostrate Hermione who was now crying from laughing so much.

"My spell!" she said simply, before breaking down again, the giggles spilling like a waterfall out of her beautiful mouth.

"Harry Potter, come here! I want to lick you're- finger. Ewwwwww, get this spell thing off of me! Ooooh, McGonagall, you sexy thing, let's dance to Hit Me Baby One More Time! What does it do to you?"

"It's actually quite simple. Every other thing you want to say cannot be controlled- you will say the things that are the most out of character for you, and the things that are most embarrassing to you."

"Is my hair OK? Tell me what you want me to do to make you take it off of me, please!!! Dumbledore, you want to go get it on? I BEG YOU!!!!"

"Well, let me see..."

"I always thought the Weasley's were hot! Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeze?!?!?!?!?!?!?"

"I've always wanted to get married before I turned 20."

"Yes, when I go to my rooms at night, I wear a pink tutu and dance the Macarena. If that was a proposal, Granger, it wasn't very good. Does this robe make me look fat? But I SWEAR I'll find you a husband in two months if you take this thing off me!!!"

"Sign here." She handed Severus a contract that bound him to his promise, or the spell would be placed on him again. He signed frantically, motioning to her wand to try and make her understand that she had to release him from the spell before he said anything more to contribute to the staff's hysteria. "Finite Incantatem!"

Severus gasped gratefully.

"Remember, you're not off the hook yet. You have to find me a husband in two months."

"It's getting finished even as we speak- I'm going to get you a date with my very own young cousin. Quite a nice chap."

"A date with a Snape!"

"Yes, and you must do it- it's only for your own happiness."

"You suck major ass Snape!"

"Depends on whose ass."

"Hmmm."

"That's right. And you might want to go and get ready for that date- my cousin will be here in a few minutes."

"How did you contact him so fast?"

"We are of a blood bond, and we are both direct descendants of the Snape line; we can communicate with any other man or woman or child in the family through their mind."

"Wait, you say direct. Does that mean, like, inbred?"

"On my cousin's side of the family, yes."

"This is going to be a long two months."

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