Rating:
PG-13
House:
Riddikulus
Characters:
Rubeus Hagrid Sirius Black
Genres:
Humor Parody
Era:
Multiple Eras
Stats:
Published: 04/03/2003
Updated: 04/03/2003
Words: 2,304
Chapters: 1
Hits: 835

A New Specimen for Hagrid

Essayel

Story Summary:
Hagrid's lessons are awful! He needs help to make them more exciting. Sirius was the last person he should have approached for a bright idea.

Posted:
04/03/2003
Hits:
835
Author's Note:
Jenny: Write me a story, now you've finished Black Dog.


A New Specimen for Hagrid.

"Well, personally, I'm sick of it," Ron said, hunching his shoulders into the bitter wind and Harry and Hermione groaned in gloomy agreement as they all trooped down the hill towards Hagrid's cluster of outhouses.

Much as they all loved Hagrid, when it came to Care of Magical Creatures classes they could all have wished him away to Timbuctoo. The previous week he had produced crivits, a variety of beetle native to Britanny and much in demand in the reproduction stone circle building trade. When frightened or annoyed they squirted a noxious smelling fluid that caused the growth of lichen in uncomfortable places. Crivits were easily annoyed. Not only was this growth intensely itchy but gave the effect of having a severe form of dermatitis coloured in green, orange, yellow and black. Only scrubbing with carbolic soap could remove it and so, a week later, it was easy to see who took their personal hygiene seriously. Goyle, walking at Draco Malfoy's pristine elbow, looked like a mobile menhir.

"I swear," Draco was saying, "if it's another disgusting insect, I'll get the oaf sacked."

"Shut it, Malfoy," Harry said, automatically, then shot a guilty glance at Hermione. Over the weekend he, Ron and Hermione had sat Hagrid down and, over a pot of tea and a plate of ginger nuts, had explained, as gently as possible, just how sick they were of creatures that were ugly or dangerous or both. Hagrid had not been happy.

"But they're int'restin'," he had protested.

"They're lethal," Ron had replied. "Seumas is allergic to carbolic and came up in boils all over his..."

"But, Hagrid," Hermione interrupted hurriedly. "Just once in while couldn't we have something ...nice? You know, like unicorns."

"You're sixth years, now," Hagrid muttered and the little of his face that was visible between hair, eyebrows and beard was very red. "'Alf the class won't be qualified for unicorns. Not any more."

Hermione flushed as well but didn't even pretend to misunderstand. "Well for the sake of the half who are, then," she said. "Like us three."

Harry and Ron made hasty harrumphing noises of agreement and each looked out of an opposite window.

"But," Hagrid's eyes seemed, tragically, to be filling with tears, "they're so ...cute."

"We like cute, Hagrid," Harry said soothingly. "Cute's fine, cute means happy students and no nasty parental letters to the governors. Cute means you stay on as a teacher. Hagrid, cute is good!"

Now it only remained to be seen whether Hagrid had taken the warnings to heart.

"Look," Lavender turned to them and pointed. "Hagrid's got a new cage."

Harry studied the tarpaulin draped enclosure with interest.

"It's too small for unicorns," Hermione said sadly. "Hey, I wonder if it's Kneazles or Krupps?"

Hagrid was standing beside the cage beaming. "'Allo there, you lot," he said. "Gather round now." He bustled over to Harry and grinned at him . "I 'ope you'll be pleased with this one," he whispered hoarsely. "I was wrackin' my brain what to do then I 'ad a notion and owled your goddad, 'Arry, and asked 'im if 'e 'ad any bright ideas."

"About a million?" Harry suggested, apprehensively.

"Ah, tha's right," Hagrid agreed. "But 'e came over las' night with a sure fire winner, 'e reckoned and 'elped me do the spell." Hagrid frowned and shrugged. "'E was a tad disappointed...he wanted to do somethin' you'd like 'Arry...but he reckoned that 'Ermione an' the other girls'd be over the moon."

He reached out an enormous hand and gripped the tarpaulin. "C'n I jus' ask you all to keep a bit quiet," he bellowed, "cuz this thing what we 'ave in this cage is shy and delicate."

With that, he yanked the tarpaulin down to the ground, rocking the cage on its stand and drawing a frightened cry from the occupant that was echoed by the voices of the boys.

"Bloody hell," Ron gasped.

"Hagrid," Harry was aghast.

But they in turn were drowned out by the gasps of the girls, followed immediately by heartfelt moans from Lavender and Parvati and a shrill scream from Pansy Parkinson.

"Oh, Hagrid," Hermione stepped forward, her eyes shining.

"Joo like it?" Hagrid beamed ecstatically. "We thought we'd get you summut you c'd talk to but..." he sighed. "It don't seem to speak no Hinglish."

The creature cowering on the floor of the cage turned its enormous eyes from one to another of the children, opened its mouth and pronounced a stream of utter gibberish.

"What is it, Hagrid?" Lavender breathed as she, Parvati, Pansy, Millicent and, rather disturbingly, Blaise Zabini moved towards the bars, salivating. The occupant yelped and shifted to the back of the cage where it pressed itself dramatically against the bars, fair skin glowing in the shadows, superbly cut clothing awry, silken hair in artful disarray.

"How dare you!" An outraged, though beautifully modulated, voice cut across the groans of the female pupils and a silence fell. "Get rid of that thing!"

"Wha'?" Hagrid was astounded. "It aint dangerous and it aint ugly and it don't smell - well it di'n't when I got it but I 'ad to shut it in the 'en'ouse overnight so it whiffs a bit now. Why should I get rid of it?"

"Because," Draco was shaking with anger, "I refuse to have anything looking like that on the premises - it's just too much competition! I'm supposed to be the only ethereal blond at Hogwarts," and he tossed his cornsilk fringe out of his eyes. "I'm supposed to be the one all the girls with poor judgement swoon over ...and that includes you Pansy and, yes, I can see what you're doing. That's disgusting. So, Hagrid, take it away and bring back the Flobberworms." He stepped up to the bars and glared at the creature who glared back. "Take it away and drown it," he finished.

Too close. A long arm snaked out between the bars and snatched him off his feet. Eye to eye, the two pale faces were centimetres apart, and Hagrid's new specimen said a concise phrase that sounded remarkably insulting then extended its arm and dropped Malfoy from a considerable height.

All the Gryffindors applauded and the creature inclined its head, delicately pricked ears quivering. It spoke again and folded its arms across the pale skin exposed by the rips in its clothing.

"Hang on," Hermione gasped, producing her wand. "I've got an idea." She pointed her wand at the cage where the creature was holding forth and said "Intelligibus anglicae."

The creature raised its arched eyebrows and shook its head and gradually its babble began to make sense.

"I've been very patient so far," it was saying, "since you are all very young and your mentor seems to have the intellect of a retarded mumak, but I feel you should know that I am a personal friend of the King of Gondor and he will be majorly pissed if you don't let me out right now....eeewww, what a ghastly language."

Everybody cheered Hermione this time, not just the Gryffindors, and she blushed and bowed.

"Where am I?" the creature demanded. "Who are you? I am very busy. The Dark Lord and his evil henchmen did such a lot of damage before we destroyed him that we're all on double shifts - there's trees to grow, I can't afford time off."

"Hey, snap," Ron cried. "Hear that, Harry? They've already got rid of theirs. Any pointers...little hints... tips on Dark Lord disposal?"

The creature frowned and shrugged. "Find his ring. Destroy it utterly. He will die."

They digested that in a silence broken eventually by the sniggering of Crabbe and Goyle.

"How about that, Potter?" Draco asked. "Fancy blowing up You Know Who's ring?"

Ron growled but before he could do more than glower menacingly at the Slytherins Dumbledore arrived flanked by Professor Vector and a slightly sheepish Sirius.

"Hagrid," the Headmasters voice rang out in the cold air. "Let the Prince of Mirkwood out of that cage this instant!"

"Yessss!" most of the girls hissed, moving forward in phalanx.

"Gandalf," the creature cried, reaching out imploringly, "please let me stay in!"

Dumbledore turned to Sirius in a fury. "You are about as responsible as a seven year old on laughing gas. What did you think you were doing?"

Sirius rolled an eye in the direction of his godson, shrugged and began a mumbled explanation only a few words of which were intelligible to the avidly watching pupils.

"Experimental charms....a small wormhole....controllable distortions in the reality matrix," he muttered. "Get the proportions right and they pop right through. So far this week it's been Catherine Earnshaw and Mina Harker and on Friday we had Fanny Hill, Lady Macbeth and Lassie." He smirked. "Snape and Remus came over to help me celebrate. This one went just a bit wrong, though. I was trying for Arwen!" He paused and looked accusingly at the cage. "All I can say is that they must have been very close together for him to come through instead of her."

They all turned to look at the creature who stared haughtily back, pretending to be unaware that the tips of its shell-like ears had gone a nasty shade of jelly-bean pink.

"There has been a rebellion in Near Harad," it explained. "The king is away a lot, Evenstar has been lonely and her friends have been rallying round. It's my turn to - to raise her spirits, Tuesdays."

"You can raise my spirits anytime," Millicent Bulstrode said as she tested the strength of the bars. They bowed and it cowered.

"Please," it begged, "send me back."

Dumbledore sighed. "My most sincere apologies, your royal highness for the rough handling you appear to have undergone since you arrived...Sirius, how could you!!"

"It wasn't me," Sirius protested indignantly.

"How can you prove that?"

"Simple, there wasn't a slash warning at the beginning of the fic."

"Now, 'ang on, Perfesser," Hagrid protested, "'e were like that when 'e arrived."

They all looked at it again: the torn shirt, the ripped hose, the scuffed toes to its boots, the brownish purple mark under its left ear.

"Rrrroowwrrr," Sirius muttered to Professor Vector. "I'll try again for Arwen tomorrow - I wonder who's on the roster for Thursdays."

Professor Vector, who had been enjoying a quiet pint in the pub with Sirius while he explained the fascinating new charms he was playing around with until the Headmaster overheard and took exception, grinned manically. "Any chance of a shot at Bridget Jones?" he asked.

Dumbledore's beard bristled in irritation. "Black," he said sadly, "you have so much talent. Couldn't it be put to better use?"

"Yes, like finding where You Know Who keeps his ring," Goyle agreed and Sirius joined in the resulting snigger.

"That's enough. Your highness, my colleague will return you forthwith," Dumbledore said and nodded to Professor Vector. He hefted the heavy-duty wand necessary for space/time work and solemnly intoned a spell. The creature braced itself, eyes screwed shut and both hands over its groin, but nothing happened.

"If you can't send him back, can we have him?" Lavender and Parvati chorused.

"He can sleep in our dormitory," Hermione added over a rising howl of dissatisfaction from the female Slytherins, and Blaise Zabini.

"He won't be any trouble."

"We'll clear up after him."

"He looks a lot more fun than an owl."

"Drown me," begged the Prince of Mirkwood. "In a puddle."

Professor Vector looked at Sirius with grudging respect and made an over-to-you gesture which Dumbledore reinforced with a poke in the ribs.

"Send him back," he ordered and Sirius shook his wand into his hand.

"If you say so," he grinned and began the incantation.

Just as the creature's outline began to fade, it yelped and a look of horror crossed its face. "Oh no, wait ..."

"No," Hermione squealed but it was too late. "He's been sent back to Middlearth speaking twenty-first century English," she gasped.

"Intelligibus?" Sirius asked. "Don't worry, it's wears off in a week or so."

"Right," Dumbledore drew himself up to his full height. "Sirius, my office, now. Hagrid, next lesson, unicorn's for those who still can, flobberworms for those who can't. Professor Vector, please deliver the class to the library where they will spend the rest of the period revising either unicorn care or flobberworm care depending upon their personal circumstances. Come on, move it, people!"

Sirius was murmuring to a disconsolate Hagrid then grinned and gave the thumbs up to Harry before accompanying the Headmaster back up the hill. From the tension in Dumbledore's shoulders, the agitated wagging of his beard and the look of suppressed hilarity on Harry's godfather's face, he was already assisting the Headmaster with his enquiries.

"Sorry about the lesson, Hagrid," Hermione said as he approached but he was beaming and just shrugged it off.

"Should've checked with Dumbledore first, I s'pose," Hagrid replied. "Oooh, 'e's a card your goddad, 'Arry."

"Yeah, a joker," Harry agreed, having realised some months since that Sirius' undoubted love and support came at a price.

"Arr, that 'e is. But to make it up to me, 'e's promised me first refusal on a manticore cub. 'Alf the usual rates an all. Now they're really int'restin'."

Harry, Hermione and Ron sighed and began to follow Professor Vector up the hill to the library.

"Manticores," Ron said thoughtfully. "Big claws."

"Poisonous breath," Harry said dolefully.

"Double row of teeth."

"Scorpion tail."

"And most importantly," Hermione said, triumphantly, "it's dung is a major constituent in Skelegro Potion. Now let's get up to the library. You know, there are four whole shelves of books on unicorns!"

Harry and Ron made harrumphing noises of agreement and, once again, carefully failed to catch each other's eye.