Interruptions, Part 5

Lily

Remus...I have something important to tell you and I don't know exactly how to say it.

Remus

You're not going to do something stupid, are you?

Lily

Uh...no.

Remus

Like, for instance, dye your hair, get a bad perm-

Lily

I like my hair just the way it is, thank you.

Remus

-get a tattoo or pierce your nose or break up with James or start dating Sirius or-

Lily

Remus!

Remus

What-OUCH!

Lily

Sorry.

Remus

It's alright.

Lily

You were stuck in a loop. I had to do something.

Remus

Sorry. Sirius wouldn't let any of us go to sleep last night.

Lily

He made his stomach talk again?

Remus

Worse. He and James got drunk and started to sing show tunes. There was no way that Wormtail and I could have gotten out of it.

Lily

I am eternally ashamed of my husband.

Remus

You mean that you couldn't hear them?

Lily

I soundproof all of our walls whenever you guys come to visit.

Remus

What was is that you wanted to tell me?

Lily

Oh...I don't know how to tell you this.

Remus

Lily, we've been friends for eight or nine years and you can't trust me?

Lily

Ok, but you can't tell James.

Remus

Uh oh.

Lily

What does that mean?

Remus

It's just that whenever someone tries to hide something from James he finds out.

Lily

That's ridiculous.

Remus

Sirius tells him.

Lily

That makes sense.

Remus

So...

Lily

So...

Remus

Are you going to tell me?

Lily

Sigh. Ok...Remus...I'm pregnant.

Remus

That's wonderful! You and James are going to have a baby! ...it is James', right?

Lily

Ewww! Yes!

Remus

Good.

Lily

But I don't know-

Remus

Whether it's a boy or girl?

Lily

No.

Remus

If you're going to allow James to appoint Sirius as Godfather?

Lily

No, but I've got to talk to him about that.

Remus

How to tell James that you refuse to name the kid Rufus?

Lily

Close...keep guessing.

Remus

I can't think of anymore.

Lily

Remus, you're supposed to be the smart one!

Remus

Sorry! I don't get to talk as much when Sirius and James are around.

Lily

Sigh. I just don't know how to tell James.

Remus

We don't have to tell him yet.

Lily

We have to tell him sometime.

Remus

Don't worry! Everything will be fine.

Lily

Thanks. I guess that all we can do for now is drop some subtle hints.

Remus

Subtly doesn't usually work with James. He's too thick-headed.

Lily

It's all we can do right now. I'm not ready to tell him yet.

Remus

C'mon. let's go get some chocolate.

Lily

Is that your answer for everything?!

Remus

Sometimes.

Yay! We brought back Harry, Ron and Hermione!

Harry

Sigh.

Ron

What are you so depressed about?

Harry

It's just that now that you and Hermione are officially 'together' I'm kinda lonely.

Hermione

You could date Ginny again.

Harry

I can't, remember? Dark Lord Voldemort, too dangerous, blah, blah, blah...

Hermione

Well there had to be something to do around here.

Ron

Besides helping Phlegm and Bill get ready for their wedding, you mean?

Hermione

Ron, suggesting that they use trolls as bridesmaids and goblins as groomsmen wasn't called being helpful.

Harry

Right. It's called being bloody brilliant.

Hermione

No, its called being annoying.

Ron

C'mon. You knew you thought it was funny.

Hermione

No I didn't.

Ron

Admit it! You think I'm funny.

Hermione

Ron, be quiet.

Ron

You think I am half the time.

Hermione

Well...

Ron

Yay! She loves me!

Hermione

I never said that!

Ron

You were thinking it.

Hermione

Were not!

Harry

Sigh.

Ron

What's the matter, Harry?

Harry

Haven't we been over this already?

Ron

Oh, yeah...the whole 'no-dating-until-you-vanquish-he-who-must-not-be-named-rule.'

Hermione

I think he's getting depressed.

Harry

I am not!

Ron

Denial.

Harry

Argh!

Ron

Whoa! Harry...think a minute before you hex me! I'm your best mate, right?

Harry

Sorry. The whole teenage brooding thing is getting to me again.

Hermione

I think that we should make a list...

Ron

Not with the lists again...

Harry

She's your girlfriend.

Hermione

...of all the things that we could be doing, but are too lazy to.

Ron

Hmmm...

Harry

Hmmm...does that count as brooding?

Hermione

Yes.

Harry

Then let's do it!

Hermione

Alright...#1. we could be reading.

Ron

You planned this, didn't you?

Harry

Hermione! Lay off the books, will ya?

Ron

Yeah!

Hermione

Oh, I don't know what you're yeah-ing about, Ronald! You still haven't finished Hogwarts, A History and you started it back in first year!

Harry

That's one overdue library book. Madame Pince is going to have your arse.

Ron

You know why I haven't read all of it yet, Hermione? Because it's boring! B-O-R-I-N-G!

Hermione

You take that back!

Ron

No way, picklefray!

Hermione

Picklefray?

Ron

Picklefray?

Ron

It was the only thing I could think of that rhymed.

Harry

Ok, new #1. Instead it's 'we could be playing Quidditch.'

Ron

Much better.

Hermione

Oh, really! Is that all you two think about?

Harry

Yes.

Ron

Yes.

Hermione

Honestly. I'm going to find Ginny.

Ron

...

Harry

...

Ron

Want to play chess?

Harry

Yeah, all right.

Back to the Marauders! Yay!

Sirius

James! James! I've got to talk to you!

James

When you say 'I', do you mean you or your stomach?

Sirius

Me.

James

Wow. You must actually be serious.

Sirius

What do you mean? I am Sirius.

James

I let myself fall for that one, didn't I?

Sirius

Yep.

James

Remind me never to do that again.

Sirius

I'm sorry, what?

James

Don't make me hurt you.

Sirius

Like you even could.

James

That's interesting. Care to bet on that?

Sirius

No thanks. You still owe me money from the last time we were betting. I don't trust you anymore.

James

Oh for Merlin's sake...

Sirius

Don't you try to deny it.

James

Why are you even here?

Sirius

You invited me into your lovely home, remember? Boy, what a mistake that was...

James

No, I mean-

Sirius

Peter and Remus are here also, remember?

James

That's not what I meant-

Sirius

Is Lily hitting you too hard over the head? Is that why your brain is no longer working?

James

WILL YOU JUST LET ME FINISH A SENTENCE?!

Sirius

Well, technically I just did.

James

Shut up.

Sirius

Oh, wait...you wanted to know why I came over here to tell you something?

James

Yes...please hurry up...

Sirius

I don't know if you're going to like this.

James

Oh no...what is it?

Sirius

In fact, I know that you're not going to like this.

James

Tell me, Padfoot...

Sirius

Maybe I should just leave well enough alone.

James

Since when have you ever done that?

Sirius

Hmm...good question.

James

Will you just tell me?!

Sirius

I think...well...I think that...erm...Lily and Remus are...uh...how to phrase this so that you don't explode on me...

James

What is going on here?!

Sirius

IoverheardLilyandRemustalkingandIthinkthatLilyischeatingonyou!

James

WHAT?!

Sirius

You could understand that?

James

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!

Sirius

Wow...maybe I underestimated your listening ability.

James

LILY AND REMUS?!

Sirius

I know...they're complete opposites.

James

This isn't the time to make jokes, Sirius...

Sirius

o...k....

James

Tell me straight...did you or did you not hear Lily and Remus cheating together?

Sirius

Well...it's either that or she's pregnant.

James

I'M GOING TO KILL REMUS!

Sirius

Did you even hear me?

James

WHERE IS HE?!

Sirius

Uh...James? I just thought of something...

James

*beep* *beep* *beep*

Sirius

Ouch...I don't think we're allowed to show that on a fanfic...

James

That's not the point!

Sirius

Sorry.

James

Excuse me, I have to go and kill them both now.

Sirius

No wait! You can't do that!

James

Why not?!

Sirius

Because if you kill Lily she'll come back and haunt you and if you kill Remus, then...well...we don't need him to copy homework from anymore...but...he probably knows the answer to the ultimate question of life or whatever.

James

Humph.

Sirius

Trust me on this one. I have a plan.

James

Those are not the words I really want to hear right now.

Sirius

Hey, my plans are always good ones!

James

And they always landed us in detention!

Sirius

Details. It was all usually your fault anyway.

James

Sigh...ok...you're calming me down...what's your great and mighty plan?

Sirius

Thank you for recognizing its beauty.

James

I'm going to hit you.

Sirius

Well, at least you gave me warning this time.

James

Get one with it!

Sirius

Ok, ok! Sheesh...we need Wormtail for this.

James

...

Sirius

What?!

James

Wormtail? Since when have we needed Wormtail?

Sirius

Since...now.

James

And what, pray tell, do we need him for?

Sirius

For the plan! Have you been paying attention?

James

Yes!

Sirius

Just checking.

James

Just tell me what the plan is supposed to be.

Sirius

We use Wormtail to spy on Remus and Lily.

James

No.

Sirius

No?! Why?!

James

Because it is statistically proven that Peter cannot spy.

Sirius

Really? Statistically?

James

99 of 100 people surveyed say that they have witnessed him trying to spy on them. Badly.

Sirius

Wow. Who was the one person who didn't see him?

James

That would be a sleeping portrait.

Sirius

Those odds aren't so good.

James

See my point?

Sirius

Well, he's the only person we've got.

James

But why does it have to be Peter?

Sirius

I just told you why.

James

But...but...we could get...uh...that guy from school to do it...who was it?

Sirius

I don't know. Did he have hair and eyes?

James

Stop being a smart alec.

Sirius

Well, at least you admitted that I'm smart.

James

We have to think of someone else.

Sirius

Why are you so dead-set against having Peter do it?

James

...

Sirius

James, is there something that you're hiding from me?

James

...

Sirius

You know that I can read your mind, right?

James

...

Sirius

I'm going to bite you if you don't tell me.

James

I think he's in love with Lily.

Sirius

...

James

Sirius?

Sirius

...

James

Very funny. Don't try to hold back. You can laugh.

Sirius

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!

James

You think I'm being a little irrational?

Sirius

No! I'm just trying to picture Lily with Peter!

James

Oh, thanks for the mental image.

Sirius

Now we HAVE to have Peter do it!

James

Agh...fine.

Sirius

Yay!!

James

You're torturing me on purpose, aren't you?

Sirius

No, I'm just having too much fun messing around with your life.

James

I was afraid of that.

Sirius

It's not that scary!

James

Would you want you to be in control of your life?

Sirius

...

James

Confused?

Sirius

Yes...

James

The answer is 'no.'

Sirius

Oh.

James

Where is Peter, anyway?

Sirius

Flirting with Lily?

James

Don't even tease me with that.

Sirius

Sorry.

James

Wait, he just walked in.

Sirius

Now, how do we do this without him screwing it all up?

James

....

Sirius

What?

James

You didn't consider that before you brought me this 'great' plan of yours?!

Sirius

Uh...Peter! How nice to see you!

Peter

Uh...hi?

James

What's the matter?

Sirius

Yeah, why do you look like you're afraid that we're going to pounce you?

James

Besides the fact that we've done it before?

Peter

I know those looks.

James and Sirius

What looks?

Peter

They mean that you two are going to make me do something I don't want to do.

Sirius

How did he know that?

James

Well, he is our only guinea pig.

Peter

I am not a pig!

Sirius

No, it means a test animal.

Peter

Oh...I am not a test animal!

Sirius

We're not getting anywhere with this approach.

James

New tactic!

Sirius

Peter, how would you like to aid us with helping James and Lily out?

Peter

Why, is their marriage in trouble?

James

Not unless it has to be...

Peter

James' vein is popping out on his forehead again.

Sirius

James, control you're temper; you're scaring Peter.

Peter

What do you mean by 'helping'?

Sirius

By....oh, you know, a little of walking around where Lily is without her seeing you....some more of following her where ever she goes...that sort of thing.

Peter

You mean to stalk her?

James

...

Sirius

...

James

Do you even know what that means, Wormtail?

Peter

I know that someone almost put a restraining order against me because of it.

Sirius

...

James

...

Sirius

Not even going to go there.

James

Sigh...it's not stalking, Peter, it's called spying.

Peter

Oh.

James

Whew. That could have lead to something potentially disastrous.

Peter

You know I'm not very good at that, right?

Sirius

Well, as long as there's a fine line between spying and stalking then that doesn't really matter at the moment.

Peter

Alright, I'll do it.

James and Sirius

Yay!

Peter

Why are you guys so insistent that I do it, anyways?

Sirius

...

James

...

Sirius

Go ahead, James. Tell him your theory.

James

Shut it.

Sirius

James thinks that Remus and Lily are doing the naughty.

Peter

The...what?

James

You...don't...know what...that is?

Peter

Uh...no?

James

Oh. My. Bloody. Hel-

Emmablk1

Hey, we can't say things like that in a PG fic.

James

Yeah, yeah.

Emmablk1

Sorry. Just thought that I should point that out. I'm terribly sorry for the lapse in the storyline.

Sirius

ANYWAYS...James thinks that Remus and Lily have betrayed him.

Peter

They've done what now?

Sirius

Oh my gosh....how to explain this in the simplest terms...?

James

Let me try. I think that Lily and Remus are cheating on me with each other.

Peter

Huh? In what game?

Sirius

In the game of looove.

James

You didn't have to say it in such a deep voice.

Sirius

It's called 'ambiance' look it up.

James

I would if it even existed.

Peter

I've never played that game. What're the rules?

Sirius

AGH! James thinks that R-E-M-U-S and L-I-L-Y are having S-E-X behind his back!!

James

I cannot believe you just wrote that.

Sirius

Well, technically I spelled it out, not wrote it out.

Peter

...

James

Peter...?

Sirius

Does he get it now?

James

I don't know...he's not saying anything.

Sirius

He looks frozen.

James

Hmm...now the question is whether that's a good thing or a bad thing.

Sirius

Peter?

Peter

I'll help you.

James

Even though Sirius traumatized you for life?

Sirius

Are you sure you're ok? You're white and shaking.

Peter

I'll help as long as you never repeat that word to me again.

Sirius

Yeesh, where does he think we are- middle school?

James

Apparently.

Peter

You won't repeat it, will you?

Sirius

Fine. But we're still allowed to talk about it after you've left the room, right?

Peter

As long as I don't know anything about those conversations.

Sirius

Okay.

It's time for a little Hermione, Harry, and Ron time before we get into the final stages of Peter spying on Lily and Remus...(They're here for comic relief!)

Hermione

...

Ron

...

Harry

...

Hermione

That's all we're here for?!

Ron

Comic relief?!

Emmablk1

Well...when I get stuck on the marauders it's just easy to come and write for you three instead.

Harry

Oh I see how it is, then.

Emmablk1

See how what is?

Harry

We're just the back-up singers in your band.

Emmablk1

Huh?

Ron

I agree.

Hermione

How unusual.

Emmablk1

Huh. Well, first of all, if I did have a band, I wouldn't go so far as to have back-up singers. I'd be the star.

Harry

Nice use of self-control.

Emmablk1

Thank you. And second of all...who's in this band of mine? It's all hot guys, right? Because that would be great!

Ron

...

Harry

...

Hermione

...

Emmablk1

Sorry.

Harry and Ron

You should be.

Hermione

You should just get back to the story now.

Ron

Yeah, and leave the comic relief to us.

Harry

Ron, that's exactly what we were fighting against.

Ron

Oh. Right. I knew that.

Hermione

Lo and behold, viewers; my boyfriend.

Ron

Hey, you were the one who picked me.

Hermione

And I never regretted that choice.

Ron

And I never regretted accepting that choice.

Harry

Egh. This isn't going to turn into one of your 'you're cuter!... no you're cuter!' types of things, is it?

Emmablk1

Oh god I hope not.

Harry

Because if it is, I want to get out of the room before it starts.

Hermione

Snookiepus.

Ron

Sweetums.

Emmablk1

Oh gosh...c'mon Harry, let's go find some food.

Harry

Yeah, maybe getting myself fat will distract myself from Ron and Hermione.

Emmablk1

That's the spirit.

And, finally, after that short break, we (The Infamous Marauders) are back to finish the story!

Lily

I just wanted to thank you so much for keeping my secret, Remus.

Remus

You're welcome, Lily.

Lily

I also just wanted to say thanks for not letting it slip up at the dinner table as to why I couldn't drink the wine last night.

Remus

No problem.

Lily

I also wanted to thank you for also not telling James the truth whenever he stopped talking to you last night for no apparent reason and almost sucker punched you when you kept bugging him about it.

Remus

Uh...it was nothing?

Lily

I just wanted to say what a good friend you are to me for not saying anything to Sirius when he gave you the third degree and rambled on about ham for three hours trying to cover up the fact that he thinks you're up to something.

Remus

Uh...Lily? You can stop thanking me now.

Lily

Why?

Remus

It brings up painful memories.

Lily

Oh, right. See, I should have realized that when James saw the little baby clothes that I had snuck into the house and he thought that you had done something crazy (which I'm not exactly sure what he was talking about) and tried to punch you again. And that he really hit you on the side of your jaw.

Remus

Really. Shut up now.

Lily

Oh. Sorry.

Remus

Lily, I'm not really sure how long I can keep this up.

Lily

The secret?

Remus

No, the fact that I'm a werewolf...yes the secret!

Lily

I thought you might say that, but I'm really not ready to tell James the truth yet. I mean, everything's finally settled down from post-wedding apocalypse.

Remus

True. But I think that everything will be a lot calmer if you actually told him the truth.

Lily

Not to mention that he'd stop trying to hit you less.

Remus

Yes. That too.

Lily

Why was he so crazy last night, anyways?

Remus

I'm pretty sure it's because he thinks we're having an affair. Or, rather, you're having an affair...I'm not really sure on how that all works.

Lily

Oh, please. He couldn't think that!

Remus

Then why is Peter spying on us?

Lily

I just assumed that he was stalking me again.

Remus

Again?!

Lily

Well, there was this time in third year when I felt like I was constantly being watched.

Remus

And it was Peter?!

Lily

Well, yes. But it all turned out ok.

Remus

...

Lily

It really did!

Remus

I'm sure.

Lily

Believe what you will.

Remus

Lily, James sent Peter to spy on us to make sure we're not actually cheating on him.

Lily

But why would he send Peter? He's the worst spy ever.

Remus

Because James would have killed me with anticipation by now, fueled by jealousy. And Sirius would have burped...or something of that nature.

Lily

True.

Remus

Do you think he knows that we know that he's watching us?

Lily

No. He's just kind of sitting there behind the couch. Apparently he can't hear us at the kitchen table from over there.

Remus

Deafness comes with growing up with James and Sirius.

Lily

Ah. Wow, that explains a lot.

Remus

Yeah. I know.

Lily

I guess I should tell him the truth, then.

Remus

It shouldn't be as hard as you're making it out to be.

Lily

Remus, have you ever had a husband?

Remus

No...

Lily

Have you ever been pregnant and had to tell said husband that you were so?

Remus

Uh...that would be a no. And always a no.

Lily

Then you don't know what I'm talking about.

Remus

Fair enough.

Lily

I'll go find James.

Remus

I believe he's in your bedroom with Sirius.

Lily

Why does that sound so wrong?

Remus

They're planning on how to make us confess.

Lily

Oh, good. That was the answer I was hoping for.

To Sirius and James once again...

Sirius

So I think that we should start with Remus first. He should crack sooner than Lily on the whole subject.

James

Good plan.

Sirius

Who's knocking?

James

I don't know.

Sirius

Go away! We're...uh...naked!

James

Sirius!!

Sirius

What?...oh. sorry.

Lily

And why would you be naked in my bedroom?

James

It's my bedroom too!

Lily

Just let me come in. I have to talk to you.

Sirius

She's going to confess without the fun of torture?!

James

Sirius, that's a good thing, remember?

Sirius

Yeah, I know. I was just having fun with plans that we never had time to use on the Slytherins.

James

Some other time, Padfoot.

Lily

I'm just going to let myself in since neither one of you can physically get up and walk two feet over to open the door.

Sirius

I'll be leaving now.

James

So you wanted to talk to me? And this would be about...?

Lily

James, I have something to tell you. It may come as a shock.

James

Oh god.

Lily

Now, I've been talking to Remus for support and we think that-

James

Just come right out and say it; I can handle it!

Lily

Uh...ok...

James

Really, you don't have to dumb it down for me-I'm a full grown man!

Lily

Well, then if you really want to know, I'm-

James

AGH! I knew it! You and Remus are going off together to a tiny island and never coming back!

Lily

No, I'm just-

James

Going to go to another part of the country because you're both so partial to England, right?

Lily

Uh, No. I'm really-

James

Sorry that it had to be this way and you hope that I can forgive you in time, even though you know that once you and Remus leave forever, then I will most likely throw myself off a cliff and have to leave the house to Sirius.

Lily

NO! Don't do that!

James

Oh. Okay.

Lily

James, what I'm trying to tell you is that...that...

James

You're...?

Lily

I'm pregnant.

James

...

Lily

James?

James

...

Lily

Do you have some kind of reaction to this, or do I have to pretend like you do?

James

...

Lily

Sweetie?

James

...

Lily

Now would be a good time to say something. Anything.

James

You're...you're...pregnant?

Lily

Erm...that's what the doctor told me.

James

Really pregnant?

Lily

It's kind of hard to fake a pregnancy.

James

Wow...oh...wow.

Lily

Yeah? Is that good or bad?

James

Good. Really, really good....so you're not in love with Remus, then?

Lily

NO!

James

Oh, wow...this is great!

Lily

Yeah? You think that?

James

Can we name him Rufus?!

Lily

...

James

Lil?

Lily

The name Rufus is not an option.

James

Oh...how about Tom?

Lily

We can debate names later, James. And who says it's going to be a boy?

James

I do. Dave?

Lily

James...

James

Larry?

Lily

Really, you can stop.

James

Jackson?

Lily

Now.

James

Stanley!

Lily

I swear, if I start out this pregnancy with me banging my head against the wall every time we start thinking of names, I'm going to hurt you.

James

Ooh...mood swing?

Lily

Don't name my symptoms!

James

Sorry.

Sirius

Well, it sounds like everything's back to normal.

Remus

Yep. Hey, where's Peter?

Sirius

Still behind the couch. I figure that's the safest place for him for the moment.

Remus

Excellent idea.

Sirius

I know.

And that concludes this chapter's events. Stay tuned for new mini random shorter chapters that should be popping up pretty soon here. I just know you'll love them!!

Sirius: you say that about every fic that you write.

James: yeah, and look how sorry your reviews are for some of them.

Shut up. That's not my fault.

Remus: and who's fault would that be, then?

Uh...Satan's?

Lily: That's your excuse for everything.

Sirius, Remus, and James: Too True.

1/7/06, Emmablk1