Shocker!

SHOCKER!

"Harry? Have you noticed that Professor Snape is acting weird?" Ron asked, leaning forward.

We were sitting at the Gryffindor table in the Great Hall eating lunch.

"Yeah...come to think of it...he keeps 'adjusting' something under his robe," Harry mused.

"It's probably an undershirt or something," I said as a-matter-of-factly.

"Riiiight," Harry said, slowly.

I folded my arms over my chest in a huff.

"Well, what do you think then?" I demanded, frowning.

"He's digging bras!" Ron blurted out.

Harry burst out laughing.

"Oh please...leave it to you two to have the most...sickest minds," I said, rolling my eyes.

"Hermione...I'm wearing an undershirt now...okay? I'm not constantly adjusting it," Harry replied, grinning.

I sighed.

"Snape wears a bra...Snape wears a bra...Snape wears a bra," Ron sang.

Harry snorted and began laughing.

"If that's the case, do you think his name would change to Snapeifina? Or Snapefella?"

Ron mused.

"I could just see him in a light blue dress and glass slippers running down the steps at midnight!" Harry laughed.

"Oh where oh where is my lovely prince?" Ron added batting his eyelashes and pretending to be overly girlish.

Harry laughed again.

"Please," I said. "The thing I'd worry about is if he passes gas and there's candles nearby."

Ron and Harry looked at each other for a moment. There was silence before they burst out laughing.

"Good one Hermione!" Harry laughed shaking his head.

"Pffffffft! The entire place would explode!" Ron said, rolling with laughter.

We laughed again.

Professor Snape looked up from the Head table and was watching us.

"Sssh! He'll (laugh) hear us!" Ron said, fighting to keep his laughter contained.

"What's he going to do? Make us sew him more bras with flower prints on them?" Harry demanded, burying his head into his arms which, were crossed on the table. I could see him still chuckling.

"Ooh! MY PANSY BRA IS MY FAVORITE!" Ron said.

Well, at this point, I was even cracking up.

Professor Snape was still eyeing us.

"I must show off my wonderful girlish figure! LaLaLaLaLa," Ron said, pretending to prance in his seat.

"Do I look good this way?" Harry asked, putting a hand behind his head and posed sexily. "Or this way?"

He posed again.

By now, Ron and I were laughing so hard that the rest of the Gryffindors were watching us with amusement and annoyance.

"No! I've got a better idea!" Ron said as he grabbed two muffins and put them down his robe to make it look like he had a girl's chest.

Harry let out a snort that caused us to laugh harder.

I looked up. Professor Snape wasn't at the Head table. He was standing behind Ron.

I cut my laughter short and sat stonily. Harry was sitting behind me and immediately stopped as well. Ron however, kept going.

"I wonder if my bra fits this size muffin. Would you say it was a double D? Or triple B?" Ron asked, putting his hands on his hips and throwing out his chest so the muffin 'bumps' were more pronounced.

Professor Snape cleared his throat. Ron's face went pale and one of the muffin 'bumps' slid down further in his robe so it looked like they were uneven.

"What are you three laughing about so much?" Professor Snape asked.

"Erm, just a joke that Harry told us," Ron said quickly, not turning around.

"Really?" Professor Snape asked, smiling coyly.

The three of us nodded quickly.

Professor Snape leaned down and slapped the front of Ron's robe where the muffins were. One of the bumps was flattened.

"Might I suggest a training bra for Mr. Weasley? He seems confused about what gender he is," Professor Snape said.

Professor Snape then walked back up to the Head table.

Immediately, Harry and I looked at each other then began snorting with laughter quietly.

Ron reached down the front of his robe and pulled the broken muffin out.

"Weasley's trying to find Mr. Beefy!" Malfoy called from the Slytherin table.

Ron went scarlet. I glared at Malfoy.

"At least Ron's 'Mr. Beefy' can be found! Yours is so small a metal detector wouldn't find it!" I called back.

Silence from the Slytherin table followed.

Ron reached down the front of his robe again and pulled out the other muffin.

"I'd throw those out if I were you," Harry said eyeing the muffins with an amused expression on his face.

"Why?"

"They were down your robe, Ron. Think about it," I replied.

Ron blushed and nodded.

Harry snorted again.

"What exactly is a 'Mr. Beefy'?" Ron asked.

This time, I was amused. I knew what Malfoy had meant.

I coughed. "Do you know what a wiener is?"

Ron nodded. "A hot dog."

Harry was too busy snorting with laughter and he had his head buried in his arms.

Shaking my head, I leaned forward and whispered in his ear what Malfoy had meant.

"GOOD GOD!" Ron cried looking appalled. "Is that what they're calling it now?"

I nodded and bit my lip to keep myself from bursting into more laughter.

"Well, Malfoy's Mr. Beefy has a lot of growing up to do!" Ron said loudly enough so the Slytherins could hear him.

There was 'Ooh's' coming from the Slytherin table.

"What are you insinuating, Weasley?" Malfoy called back.

"Your 'Mr. Beefy' is about the size of peanut!" Ron retorted.

At this point, Harry ended up sliding off the bench seat and he landed on the floor.

Harry put his hand on the seat to prop himself up, but Malfoy's next comment made him have another laughing attack.

"Dead Air Dumpy Weasley!" Malfoy called back.

"I don't have dead air! I have a lot of air! Just in my but!" Ron retorted.

Harry was cracking up on the floor. He kept trying to get up but was overcome with giggles and fell back down.

I was even laughing so hard I had tears in my eyes.

At that point, at the end of Ron's sentence, he let out a bout of gas.

A chorus of laughter and 'eww's' went around the Hall.

"Well, it seems Mr. Weasley's bodily functions are starting to go on the fritz," we heard Professor Snape mutter.

Finally Harry managed to pull himself back onto the seat.

The bell rang signaling it was time to go to class. We headed to Transfiguration.

Once in class, we managed to calm down and get to work.

"Professor Snape is starting to creep me out," Harry shivered. "He's acting more and more...(cough) feminine."

Ron snorted.

"Is he taking hormone pills?"

"If he starts growing magreger's and other natural 'parts' I'm leaving Hogwarts and burning my eyes out," Harry replied shivering again.

I chuckled.

"Don't worry...I think we're safe."

"How do you know? We don't know what's going on with him!" Ron replied.

"I seriously doubt that we're even close to what's really going on in his head," I said.

"I dunno...I swear I saw him come out of the girls' bathroom," Ron continued.

"That was Julie Owens! The new Hufflepuff!" I said, torn between amusement and anger.

"That was a girl?" Ron asked, frowning. He went to open his mouth again.

"Yes! And no I'm not going up to her and poke anything to prove it!" I replied.

Harry laughed.

"Can we please change the subject? We all know Snape isn't a woman...right?" I asked, rolling my eyes.

Ron and Harry were silent.

"So, I wonder if he sleeps in the nude..." Harry mused.

"Gross Harry! I've lost my appetite!" Ron moaned.

All I could do was sit there and shake my head as we learned how to transform a piece of paper into a gold bar.

After that, we headed to Potions. Harry and Ron kept snorting but when Professor Snape turned to look at the class, they had innocent looks on their faces.

I was trying not to sink to their level, but I found it hard to keep a straight face.

"Someone help me with my Begonias!" Ron said in prissy little girl's voice.

"I need someone to help me shave my pits!" Harry whispered in a high pitched voice.

At that, I let my forehead hit the edge of the table. I began laughing quietly now.

"And what about my bikini area?" Ron added.

"If he could actually find it in the first place," Harry whispered.

I was still laughing quietly.

"Doo-da-doo-da-doo," Harry said.

I heard him singing a low verse of "Meow meow meow meow" and it finished with a "Mrow?"

I snorted and nearly slid off the chair myself.

Ron was reaching for his behind, scratching himself.

I was laughing too hard now that I let out a loud snort and fell off.

"Miss Granger? Is there a problem?" Professor Snape called.

Choking, I climbed back into my seat.

"No Professor...No problem," I said, trying to keep a straight face.

He then adjusted something in the front of his robe and something on his behind before going back to the lesson.

"See?" Harry hissed.

"Yeah...but I don't think it's a bra or anything like that," I replied.

"What else could it be?" Ron whispered.

"I dunno, but I think we're letting our imaginations run away with us again," I replied.

"I'm Miss Snapefella...I'm a potions teacher and love long walks, cuddling and someone to put my makeup on," Ron said.

Harry giggled.

"You guys are sick," I muttered.

"And I love tight clothes...I love to show off my wonderful figure! Jenny Craig helped me gain it in less than two weeks!" Harry added.

"ALRIGHT!" Professor Snape bellowed suddenly facing the class.

We all fell silent and jumped. What was going on here?

"I hear the snickers and jokes! Don't think I don't!" Professor Snape shouted.

We all looked at each other confused. Even the Slytherin's were confused and stunned.

"I bet you're all wondering why I keep adjusting something underneath my robes!"

There was not a peep to be heard.

"Well, then...since you're all so interested, I'll show you!"

Then, to our horror, he pulled off his robe and he was wearing a bright pink bra and a matching thong!

Several girls screamed and fled from the classroom and ran in different directions. Neville fainted and fell off his chair.

Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle were looking at the head of their house with pale expressions on their faces.

Professor Snape turned around to show off the full extent of the thong and bra.

"IT'S ALIVE! RUN!" Dean cried as he and several others ran screaming blindly from the dungeon.

"MY EYES! MY EYES!" Parvati cried clamping her hands over her eyes.

"I'M BLIND! I'M BLIND! I'M BLIND!" Ron cried frantically.

"Ha-Ha!" Harry cried pointing at Professor Snape.

(AN: "Ha-Ha" was taken from the Simpson's)

"I think I wet myself," Seamus said.

(AN: Also taken from the Simpson from Ralph Wiggum)

My eyes crossed and I fell off the chair myself.

"MY GOD THAT'S MONSTROUS!" Harry cried next.

"Now you all know my secret!" Professor Snape said as he began pulling his robes back on.

"I feel nauseous," I replied climbing back onto my seat.

"Professor Snape? Why are you wearing that?" Harry asked.

"Because I like the feeling," he replied hugging the robes tighter against him.

"O-kay," Ron said, slowing looking at me meaningfully.

"It's fuzzy and I like how the thong shows off my figure," Professor Snape said, twirling around.

Harry, Ron and I looked at each other. We got up from our seats and began backing out of the dungeon slowly. The rest of the students openly fled from terror out of the dungeon and were now running up the stairs in blind fear.

"I think we should go," Ron said, politely as we continued to back out carefully.

"Why? I was hoping that you three could help me shave my bikini area," Professor Snape said.

I gulped and forced the images to stop showing themselves in my head. It was really disturbing and scary.

"Um, maybe another time?" Harry said, slowly.

"Yeah...okay," Professor Snape said, frowning.

"Does Professor Dumbledore know about this?" I asked.

"No...You three can't tell him," Professor Snape said.

We nodded.

"Don't worry. We won't say a word," Ron promised.

"Yeah...we promise," I said.

"Absolutely," Harry added.

"Thanks. I'll see you three tomorrow," Professor Snape said grinning.

Once we hit the doorway, we turned around and tore up the stairs.

"Oh my God! I don't believe it!" Ron burst out as soon as we reached the Gryffindor tower.

He collapsed into a chair and went into a hysterical fit of giggles.

"I don't believe it! You sickos were right!" I cried collapsing into a chair beside Ron.

Harry sat down in a chair beside me.

"See? I told you! Why don't you ever believe us?"

"Because at this point, I didn't want to believe you!" I cried, burying my face into my hands and began laughing hysterically myself.

"Imagine...a pink thong and bra," Ron said, shaking his head.

"I can't...the images are too disturbing!" I moaned.

"Ugh...how do you think Neville feels? He was right in front of Professor Snape!" Harry cried.

"I think he'll be traumatized now for life," Ron said sighing.

"Yeah...he might actually want to burn his eyes out now," I added.

"Well, look at the bright side," Ron began.

Harry and I looked at each other, then at Ron.

"What's that?" I asked.

"We saw Mr. Beefy!"

Harry and I moaned.

"If you could call that a 'Mr. Beefy'."

I sank deeper into my chair.