Breathe

You know everyone talks for endless hours at night in the Gryffindor common room about how GREAT crushes are. I've heard endless accounts of thrilling encounters with the object of ones affection from Parvati and Lavender. "And then, you'll never believe this, he reached over picked up the quill, and asked 'Is this yours?' I nearly died!" Now, of course I've had crushes too don't get me wrong. I mean I spent almost all of 5^th and 6^th year batting my eyelashes Ron's way. Who knows what I was thinking. Of course he did eventually ask me out, right after I got over him. He got over the rejection, too. Anyway, about crushes...they're nice and all, but I've always thought them a perfect waste of time. Not to mention you make a complete full out of yourself. Well, I've always thought that until now-until now, when I have such a huge crush on him that it can't really be called a crush at all...it's more of an obsession. Is that healthy?

If only you could understand. If only you could understand how when he looks over at me I melt into a puddle and am rendered speechless. If only you could understand how I get dizzy if our hands brush while grabbing for the same piece of toast. If only you can understand that I can't answer any questions in class if he's spoken to me within half an hour of the question being asked. And the fact is, I hate it. I can't be normal anymore, and we can't hang out because it's just too awkward. Of course he's noticed the change (all though I'm not sure he's figured out the cause) and he hates it too. Not to mention, we are losing a lot of house points with me not jumping to aid every teacher's inquiry.

I'm visiting at the burrow now, and the whole holiday has been miserable. He's there, too. If he walks into a room I walk out. If he's going on the picnic, I'd prefer to stay home and chat with Ginny and Luna. If he's eating breakfast in the kitchen, I think I'll take mine in bed, because I'm not feeling well. I think you get the idea...I can't be around him. For a while, he was kind and tried to get me to do things with him. When he saw I couldn't bare it, he gave up. I can't tell whether I miss his attempts or not. Finally today I grabbed my car keys (I drove up here this time, in the excitement of having my muggle license), and took off in the rain to clear my head.

I've been driving for an hour

Just talking to the rain

You say I've been driving you crazy

And it's keeping you away

We got in a row today. I was half way through my sandwich when he came in. I choked the rest down, and excused myself for a nap. He followed me and burst into the room.

"Hermione, this has gone too far. Tell me right now why you're avoiding me like the plague."

I looked up, and tears formed in my eyes as I saw the hurt expression on his face. I sort of just gaped at him, unable to form words.

"Stop it! Just stop it! This isn't you...you're never so quiet. What have I done to make you hate me?"

Now the tears did spill over, and I gasped sharply. He thought I hated him. Why was life so unfair? I loved him so much it hurt, and he thought I hated him. This was it. I had to say something. My heart wanted to yell out, but my head directed me in other ways so I was soon on my feet and heading straight for the door. It was that dang fight or flight instinct. I flew.

So just give me one good reason

Tell me why I should stay

'cause I don't wanna waste another moment

In saying things we never meant to say

I made it out the door and he I could feel his eyes on the back of my head as I retreated. I was crying very hard then. I'm sitting now on the tree swing near a stream in the woods. I'm so upset with myself that I can hardly see through all my anger. He hasn't spoken or looked at me in days. I guess its mutual now. Of course, what I did out of love, he does out of...hate? Is it possible he really hates me for this? As more tears come on, I am once again reminded why it is I hate crushes so much. They make me act juvenile and silly. Look at me, sitting and crying under this willow tree.

It's a wonder that I can sit here and unwillingly see seven years of friendship flash in front of my eyes. It's all there. I knew I always had feelings for him deep down, and I can see it in every memory. Little things I didn't realize I was doing. I'm surprised he didn't see it, but then again we were both blind. The pain is worse than anything I've ever known, thinking how I am letting it all go down the drain. I've ruined things good this time.

Well it's all so overrated

In not saying how you feel

So you end up watching chances fade

And wondering what's real

I hear twigs crunching from behind, and I'm pretty sure it's Ginny coming up. She seems to always know when to come and comfort me. I turn around, not bothering to wipe my face, which by now I'm sure looks a mess. I was wrong. It's not Ginny. It's him. And you know what, I looked up at him this time and he looked back. My eyes met startling green and I drew back a little.

And I give you just a little time

And I wonder if you realize

I've been waiting till I see it in your eyes

I don't know how long we both sat there just staring, just feeling, and just breathing...

If I just breathe

Let it fill the space between

I'll know everything is all right

Breathe

Every little piece of me

You'll see

Everything is all right

If I just breathe

He sat down on the ground beside me eventually, and it was strange but I could see the hatred and anger dissolve. Without words things were right between us. It grew steadily darker around us. I don't know why but we both just kept looking into each other's eyes. I think I may have been hoping he'd read all I felt there. Wasn't it always said that eye's were a window to ones soul? I'd always thought this rubbish, but at the moment it would be nice.

Finally, as the darkness made him become a blur before me, I breathed deeply and seeking comfort in his eyes, I whispered to him. I had always thought that if I ever told him it would be a long drawn out explanation, thinking it would go over much better if I could just make him understand. But now, I only whispered three words.

So I whisper in the dark

Hoping you'll hear me

Do you hear me?

All this time I've dreaded telling him. Yet, all I feel now is relief beyond measure. It doesn't matter what happens from here on out...a burden has been lifted off my chest. He knew. He could do with the information what he liked. These first thoughts passed, and though I still feel relieved, I start to feel anxious. But then...

He slipped his hand in mine.

And now I can really breathe.