Shown Like the Sun

Chapter 3

Well, what you don't know doesn't hurt you...

--Jacques Brel is Alive and Well and Living in Paris

***

A single bead of sweat slowly slid from Althea's hairline, down her forehead, to her temple before she lifted her hand to wipe it away. She frowned slightly, realizing that the hand she had used was covered in a thin layer of dirt. I always forget, she thought, as she picked another strawberry and placed it in her antique hand-woven basket. I won't be the least bit surprised if I return to look at myself in the mirror and discover I have dirt across my entire face. Althea continued to search the low-growing strawberry plants for the ripest ones, careful to steady herself as she did so. Who put all these rocks in here, she thought as the side of her knee bumped against a large stone. My knees can't endure much more.... I'm not ten.

At ten, Althea decided she wanted her own garden--filled with only her favorite things (being strawberries at the time)--and without her father's knowledge, started to till the soil underneath her childhood bedroom windows. Barely able to turn over the dirt with the shovel almost as large as her, Althea placed a large bowlful of strawberries from the kitchen into the small hole. Unknown to her, her father watched almost the entire display, and decided that she should have a suitable strawberry garden. Pleased with her new garden, Althea would spend hours with Marie--her nanny--attempting to pick strawberries. Of course, Althea's attempts at strawberry picking were always unsuccessful; she ate the majority of the strawberries--so much so that she would develop a stomachache.

"She never scolded me," she thought, as she pushed a few leaves away from a ripe strawberry and plucked it. "Maybe she should've."

I needed to be scolded, she thought, brushing the dirt off the strawberry. I should have been treated like a normal little girl...not the living remnant of my mother. After placing the strawberry into her basket, she rested her hand on her hip, arching her back--stretching it and allowing it to pop and crack. Lifting her floppy hat away from her face, she looked up to her childhood bedroom windows. How long has he been there, she wondered, frowning slightly. Sirius sat in the window niche, his knees to his chest, intently reading. He looks so interested in what he is reading...one of my journals probably, she thought as Sirius turned the page. Althea gently bit her bottom lip as Sirius grinned and shook slightly with laughter as he continued to read her journal. Why did I ever agree to talk with him this evening? I hadn't had breakfast, that's why.... It smelled so wonderful and I was hungry.... I'd agree to almost anything when I'm hungry.

Her stomach growling from hunger, Althea returned from the beach and entered her kitchen, discovering an appetizing lunch awaiting her. Succumbing to feelings of hunger, she sat at the kitchen table and greedily ate the lunch Sirius had prepared for the three. As she sat, her mouth full of sandwich, she listened as Remus proposed a meeting between Sirius and Althea--to sort out the history between them. Althea laughed, almost choking on a bite of sandwich--it would take more than one meeting to sort out their history. With pleading and finally threatening to take her second sandwich away, she agreed with the understanding that it would not indicate reconciliation or rekindling of any love relationship.

You have to mind you temper, she thought as she returned to picking strawberries. It will only further insinuate to him that you haven't changed, but you have--you have changed dramatically.... You're not his Althea.

"So bloody long in Azkaban, he's forgotten who I truly am," she murmured, looking at the large, ripe strawberry held by her fingers.

Althea felt uncomfortable as she took a bite of strawberry. Not from the fruit, but from the unnerving feeling that someone from above was watching her. She slowly turned her head and looked above to see Sirius staring at her from his window niche. Her eyes meeting his, he smiled and casually waved, resting his fingertips against the windowpane. Althea quickly turned her head away from the window and felt the back of her neck flush with embarrassing warmth. He's still grinning, I know it, she thought as the juice from the strawberry dripped onto her fingers. She raised the rest of the strawberry to her lips, frowned, and tossed the half-eaten strawberry to her side.

"I've had enough of strawberries," she murmured, standing.

***

Althea anxiously kicked her heel against the floor as she waited for Sirius in the drawing room. He's not here.... You're here...only due to your overwhelming hunger pangs--dodgy lot, those two, she thought, folding her arms, watching Remus as he paced in front of the mantel. He stopped, rested his arm on the mantle, and gently stroked the bow of the replica ship.

"Be careful," she warned as Remus touched a sail. "It's very old."

"How old?"

"Over one hundred and fifty," she answered and Remus' eyes widened slightly.

Remus leaned closer to the replica and laughed with surprise. "The Althea," he read and turned to face her. "I didn't know you were named after a ship," he continued, pointing to the ship. "Or did you inscribe that when you were younger?"

"I would have been in loads of trouble if I had touched that ship," she remarked, sinking lower in the couch. "I broke a sail. It was the only time my father ever raised his voice to me--well, it was more a tone of disapproval."

"Really.... Oh, I see it," he replied, pointing to the second sail. "Were you named after this ship, then?"

"I really don't know. It might be coincidence really," she explained and frowned thoughtfully. "He might've though."

"It's a beautiful ship though," he replied and took one last look at the ship as he walked toward the couch.

"Where is he?" she asked with some irritation, resting her head against the back of the couch.

"He'll be here," he replied, sitting next to her. "Probably feeding Buckbeak--oh, don't frown."

Althea continued to frown. "I was attacked in my carriage house," she replied bitterly. "It's my home, Remus. You should have asked permission before using it to house a hippogriff."

"We should have warned you," he replied, resting his head against the back of the couch. "However, you haven't spoken much to us until today."

"You brought Sirius to my home without permission," she replied, unfolding her arms and letting them fall heavily at her sides. "You betrayed me."

"I didn't betray you," he replied, folding his arms as well. "It's for your own good."

Althea let out a laugh. "You never allowed me the opportunity to decide for myself if I wanted to meet him."

"Come now, Althea," he said knowingly, turning his head toward her, "we both know you'd never want to meet him."

Althea sat up and quickly turned her body to face him. "I'm not like you who has nothing to lose by taking him back."

Remus raised an eyebrow in thought. "You'd lose my friendship if you didn't meet with him," he spoke and Althea threw herself against her couch.

"Why must everyone decide what is best for me?" she asked, folding her arms as she pouted.

"Your bad decisions are legendary, that's why," he remarked and Althea cast him a murderous glare. "Would you like me to remind you of all your bad decisions?"

"No," she murmured gruffly, unfolding her arms. "Where is he?" she asked with greater irritation, kicking her heels against the floor. "He's five minutes late. I want to get on with this."

"He's very nervous--"

"Ha!" she laughed, slamming her heels against the floor. "Sirius has never been nervous in his entire life."

"He is--"

"Right," she interrupted, incredulously looking at Remus. "Aren't you nervous? Nervous that I might go back to him?"

"I'm nervous that you might hex him," he replied, smoothing out his worn robes.

"You don't want me to go back to him," she replied knowingly, "otherwise you would have said you were. You're confident I won't."

Remus sighed with some annoyance. "I was exposed, Althea," he replied, brushing off a piece of lint from his robes. "Move on, as I have."

"What?"

"I have a symposium to attend in late summer," he explained, scratching the side of his face. "I'll attend it with Melania--"

"The girl you met at the Registry? The one with the brother?" she asked--her voice higher.

Her face flushed slightly as Remus nodded.

"She is a bit young, isn't she?"

Remus shrugged his shoulders. "She's not that young--she's twenty-seven," he replied, a small wry smile emerging across his face. "It's not like she's twenty-two," he added and laughed quietly as Althea's face paled. "Afina is terrible at keeping secrets, I thought you'd understand that by now."

"You're like bloody Dumbledore," she muttered, folding her arms. "I'll go back to him to spite the both of you."

"He's a boy, Althea," he replied, folding his arms.

"So?" she snorted, shrugging her shoulders. "Why should you care?"

"Then show me the same courtesy," he replied, looking into her eyes. "Now, mind yourself," he warned, looking toward the door. "He's almost here."

Althea heard the floorboards creak and her stomach contorted--her heart starting to race. She inhaled a forced, deep breath as Sirius--pale--entered and sat across from her in an overstuffed chair. Why did you ever agree to this? What can he say that will make it better, she asked herself as she sat straighter on the couch. You're fooling yourself, Althea.

"Aren't you going to take his wand?" she asked, pointing toward Sirius. "You took mine."

"Right," Remus murmured, holding out his hand. "I'll have that wand now, please."

Sirius took the wand from his robe pocket, handing it to Remus. "She's just as capable of injuring me with her fist," he said, leaning back in the chair. "How'd you decide on a talk anyway?"

"I saw it on the Muggle television in the sitting room," he explained, placing Sirius' wand in his robe pocket. "Some Muggle program where they talk about their problems and try to solve them."

"And do they solve their problems?" Sirius asked with skepticism, folding his arms.

"I don't know," he replied and laughed lightly. "I fell asleep."

"Brilliant," Althea muttered and rolled her eyes. "Right, I don't want to do this anymore," she added, standing.

"Please sit," Remus replied, taking hold of her forearm.

"No, this like everything else with Sirius is a mistake," she replied, pulling her arm away from him.

"As if I hadn't heard that before," Sirius murmured darkly, frowning.

"It's ridiculous. I won't be a part of this," she said and turned to Sirius, who continued to frown at her. "We can't repair it," she explained ruefully, shaking her head. "I don't know what you or Remus had in mind for us, but if you need someone I can arrange it."

"Sit down, Althea," Remus said, attempting to take hold of her arm.

Althea shook him away. "I won't sit down," she replied--her voice louder. "I'll pay for it," she continued as Sirius sat--his mouth slightly open. "What do you want? Muggle girl? Witch? Brunette, blonde--"

"I want you," Sirius interrupted, standing.

"Me?" she asked, placing a hand to her breast. "Are you mad?" she laughed mirthlessly. "You have to be."

Remus sat with his face in his hands, murmuring for Althea to stop.

"You were in Azkaban. I continued my life. Did you think I waited for you?" she continued, watching as Sirius' face paled--his lips thinning. "That I remained celibate for you?" she asked with humorous disbelief.

"God, Althea, don't," Remus murmured from her right.

Althea disregarded Remus' trepidation. "Why do you feel entitled to me?" she asked heatedly.

"We have a daughter!" Sirius shouted, moving forward.

Althea's faced drained of color--did Sirius know? "She's dead!" she shouted, her hands balled into fists at her sides.

She took a step back as the room became very quiet.

"As if you care," she murmured, running her fingers through her hair.

"WHAT?" he roared, standing within inches of her. "You don't care! Her grave was overgrown with weeds!" he continued heatedly, his jaw tightened--his facial expression dark and frightening. "What sort of mother are you?"

Althea slapped Sirius across his left cheek, and he refused to show any pain he might have felt. His stare remained dark, defiant and continued to frighten Althea. She cradled her right hand in her left as the palm stung and tingled from impact.

"She was a mistake, Sirius. Isn't that what you said about her to James, or don't you remember?" she asked and Sirius remained silent. "You told him that she was a huge mistake, that you regretted her, that you weren't ready, and that you saw what happened to James after Harry and you didn't want that happening to you."

Sirius remained silent for a few moments and inhaled a large, ragged breath. "You heard that?" he muttered sadly and frowned.

Althea nodded. "And you contemplated leaving that night.... James offered for you to stay with them, but you refused," she explained and furrowed her eyebrows, swallowing back tears. "After that, I knew what I was to you...a burden and I didn't want to be that."

Sirius covered his mouth, roughly rubbing his fingers over his mouth and then his cheek. "That's why you would say it was okay for me to leave," he murmured, massaging the back of his neck.

Althea nodded slowly. "You took your motorbike and you left us.... I knew you'd leave--I wanted you to leave. We were a liability to you," she explained her voice trembling, tears rolling down her cheeks. "I woke up--you didn't think I'd wake up? I went to look for you and I saw the motorbike gone...and I knew--I knew you left us," she continued, clumsily wiping her eyes.

She looked to her hands, to the smeared mascara on the palms, and then to Sirius--he too was crying.

"I was attacked then.... They tortured me...and I heard you--I heard you shout for me, but they silenced me so I couldn't shout back.... I wanted to die because I couldn't escape," she explained--her throat painfully constricting--and covered her face with her hands, sobbing into them.

"God," Sirius whispered, resting his hand on her shaking shoulder, "none of this was supposed to happen."

"I can't have children," she whispered and lowered her hands. "What wizard wants an infertile witch?" she asked quietly, looking into his eyes.

Sirius lifted his hands to her face, wiping the wet strands of hair away. "As if we could have a kid anyway," he remarked--attempting levity--and sniffed loudly. "As you like to say I'd probably do something stupid and send the kid to St. Mungo's," he explained and pulled her close to him. "I wouldn't be much of a father, would I?"

Althea did not resist, but rested the side of her face against his thin shoulder. You're a horrible woman for telling him Prudence died, she thought as she slipped her arms around his neck--feeling his hair between her fingers. No matter what, he can never know. He'll kidnap her from them. He'll hurt her--she doesn't know.

"I'm an awful mother," she whispered and hiccupped. "It's best that I can't have children."

"No, you'd be a fine mother," he murmured and rested the side of his face against the top of her head. "Is that why you didn't marry? Because you can't have children?" he asked quietly, holding her tightly. "You hadn't found the proper wizard to love you," he whispered soothingly, stroking the back of her head.

I had, only he loved you more, she thought, opening her eyes to see Remus sitting--calmly sitting--watching them.

"I cried for you," Sirius whispered and kissed the top of her head. "I thought I had killed everyone.... I went to warn you, to take you away, to tell you everything because of anyone, I knew you'd believe me," he explained, his tears trickling through Althea's hair and onto her scalp.

"I would've," she murmured and he squeezed her tightly, kissing the top of her wet hair.

"I searched for you, I called for you, and I saw your dressing gown torn in the garden and I knew they took you.... I had nothing else then," he replied, his voice very grim. "I was going to do it--go after Peter, kill him, and then kill myself; however, Peter got the best of me," he continued and Althea felt the muscles of his body become rigid. "We let him in our home, we let him hold Harry, he was there--remember--at Harry's birth, waiting with me. He wanted Harry dead then, Althea. We let him feel our daughter kick. He wanted all of us dead...he was going to find Remus to kill him when I found him," he finished and pulled away from her--his face reminiscent of the years in Azkaban and not the two weeks of the beach.

"So, you didn't kill yourself because you wanted to kill Peter," she replied knowingly, smoothing the hair away from her face. "That's why you spent those twelve years in Azkaban."

"I was waiting for the right moment," he explained bitterly, "and I had it."

"Then why, when you had the chance, didn't you?" she asked, gently stroking his upper arms. "When he had murdered James and Lily...when you thought he had murdered me?"

"Harry."

"Harry?"

Sirius nodded solemnly. "He felt James wouldn't have wanted us to kill," he answered and looked to Remus.

Remus nodded as well. "It's true," he said hoarsely.

Althea furrowed her eyebrows in confusion as she looked at Sirius. "But James knew that you killed that one Death Eater, it would have...."

However, Althea did not finish, she saw something in Sirius that she had not seen in over twelve years. Sirius would have done anything for James, no questions asked and no protests. It did not matter that Peter's betrayal had led to what he thought was the death of Althea and their child. It still did not matter to what he knew now. Althea and his own daughter would always be second to the memory of James Potter.

"No more," she whispered, shaking her head as she slowly backed away from Sirius.

"Althea--"

"No," she interrupted and hastily turned to leave.

"Let me finish," he pleaded, reaching for her arm.

"Don't," she demanded, pulling her arm away. "Leave me alone!"

Sirius growled and spun toward Remus. "What is wrong with her?" he questioned, thrusting his hand in Althea's direction.

"You should've killed yourself for then I'd know where I truly stood with you!" she shouted--her throat burning and sore.

Sirius, confused and frustrated, looked from Remus to Althea. "She's mad, Remus! Listen to her," he spoke with disbelief, "if I were dead, no one would know the truth!"

"And I'd be better off!"

Sirius opened his mouth to speak, but Remus spoke first, "Sirius, let her go."

Sirius closed his mouth and frowned deeply. "Fine," he muttered, defeated.

Althea hastily walked out of the drawing room and ran up the stairs. Slamming and locking the door behind her, she threw herself onto her bed--the comforter fluffing up around her. How could I have been so stupid, she thought, slamming her fists into the soft comforter. In a moment of extreme weakness, you open yourself up to him, you let him hold you, you cry in his arms, and what happens? He tells you that you don't matter! That your daughter doesn't matter! Would he have listened to Prudence? No! If Prudence were there with Harry, and Prudence wanted him to kill and Harry didn't, he would have still listened to Harry.... You're still second and you always will be. Althea shook from rage as she sobbed into her comforter. James--James would have done anything for Lily, and he did, she thought, her sobbing intensifying. Sirius wouldn't do the same for me.

"Althea," Sirius said from outside her door--his voice strained. "Althea, please let me talk to you," he pleaded, attempting to the open the door.

"You've done enough!" she shouted into her comforter. "Go away!"

She heard Sirius sigh deeply, and soon, she heard him walk away. Good, she thought, her face warm from sobbing and her breathing. I don't want to speak with you. However, Althea heard her lock jiggle and with a click, the door unlocked.

"You forget I can pick locks," Sirius said as he closed the door behind him.

Althea felt as he sat on her bed and she rolled over to look at him. "What do you want?" she asked shortly, lifting herself onto her elbows.

Sirius frowned, rubbing his chin. "Maybe I should have stayed away," he answered and ran his fingers through his hair.

"Maybe you should've."

Sirius shook his head. "I couldn't though," he replied, sitting closer to her. "I love you."

"I'm the only woman who'll talk to you," she murmured, looking toward her feet.

Sirius rested his hand on her shin, causing Althea to sit up, retracting her leg. "You never let me finish, you know," he replied and took a deep gulp of air.

"What else is there?" she remarked, pulling at a string on her comforter.

"I knew I could protect you...and I could do it alone," he began and Althea let out a laugh out of spite. "Prudence had her mother and father, and I knew that we wouldn't be afraid to do what we had to do--"

I did, she thought, pulling out the string. I killed those that tortured me. I lost our daughter to a Muggle couple because I had to protect her from your family.

"--I never saw you, though. A small part of me believed that you didn't die--that you fought them off," he continued, placing his hand atop hers. "I didn't want to believe my mistake..." he paused and took a deep breath. "It didn't matter if I was or wasn't the Secret Keeper, they would have come after me anyway. I would have died anyway, Althea, but if the Secret Keeper dies, the charm can never be reversed," he explained and squeezed her hand. "No one would suspect Peter, and I would die--pretending I was the Secret Keeper--and James, Lily, and Harry would be safe."

Althea retracted her hand and stared into Sirius' eyes. "That is the stupidest reasoning I have ever heard," she remarked, shaking her head in disbelief. "Only you could be certain that you were not the spy."

"Don't remind me!" Sirius shouted--his demeanor frightening her and she cowered back on her bed. Sirius realized he must have frightened her and took a deep breath, brushing the hair away from his face. "I'm sorry."

"How is this supposed to help me, Sirius?" she asked, crawling closer to him. "If I wasn't pregnant, you would have gone through with it," she continued, lowering her head as new tears fell to her cheeks. "No matter what, I'm the reason James and Lily are dead."

"You're being ridiculous," he replied, wiping her tears away with his thumbs. "I would have done it anyway. I thought no one would suspect Peter--I mean--he's Peter."

Althea removed his hands from her face and looked into his eyes. "Obviously like everyone else in your life--well, excluding James--you underestimated Peter," she replied, frowning deeply. "No one is as great and fantastic as Sirius--well, except for James."

"You know that isn't true," he replied, his jaw tightening.

"What about me? What about our daughter?" she asked, furrowing her eyebrows. "We didn't matter. No one mattered except for James and no one was ever good enough except for James. All you care about is James."

"Don't taunt James' memory!" he roared, standing.

"See!" she shouted triumphantly, sitting up higher on her bed. "James has always meant more to you than anyone else! Would you have done what James did? Would you have died for me? Died for your daughter?"

"I gave up everything for you!" he shouted and kicked her bedpost.

Althea laughed. "That is such a lie!" she replied, standing as well. "You gave up nothing! You didn't leave your family for me," she continued, pointing to herself. "You left because one night, Lucius Malfoy came to invite you to join a private club for pureblooded Wizardry. You knew what Malfoy was asking you to do and you left.... You didn't leave to follow your heart, you left because you didn't want to start the process to be a Death Eater."

It was Sirius' turn to laugh. "Not the entire story," he replied smugly, resting his hand on the bedpost. "Malfoy said Voldemort was willing to overlook my little indiscretion--meaning you--and have it taken care of--meaning having you murdered," he continued and odd shiver crossed his face. "He mentioned the Death Eaters setting fire to Andromeda and Ted's home that night, but I didn't believe him. I didn't believe him until I saw the charred ruins for myself. They escaped, but I had an image of you not as lucky--"

"So, you left then," she interrupted, folding her arms. "You're life is one of underestimating people, isn't it? You've underestimated Peter, your family, you've underestimated Voldemort--I believe you're about the only person who has--you've underestimated Remus, and you've underestimated me--"

"I've never underestimated you," he interrupted thoughtfully, resting his hands on her shoulders.

"You always have," she replied bitterly, looking into his eyes--his eyes haunted and dark.

"No," he replied softly, massaging her shoulders. "If anything, I was surprised at what you didn't do. Remus had told me that it was he and Frank that rescued you," he said and leaned forward. "I thought for sure you would have killed those two," he conspiratorially whispered in her ear.

What if I did, she thought as Sirius slipped his arms around her waist, holding her close to him. What if I hunted them and killed them out of revenge and not self-defense? Would you boast then? Could she tell him the truth? Never. How would he react? Althea shivered at his possible rage. He's created a new Althea, she thought, as Sirius tenderly stroked her back--the sick feeling returning to her stomach. It's not me he loves--it's his creation.... I can't let this continue.

Sirius kissed the top of her head and inhaled a deep breath. "I didn't underestimate you," he murmured, resting his head atop hers. "You're alive."

"Let go of me," she said, and with all her strength, pulled away from him.

Sirius looked at her strangely as she took a step back, holding up her hands in front of her.

"I think it's best if you leave my bedroom--don't, please," she continued, taking another step back as Sirius stepped forward. "Don't touch me," she begged as Sirius reached out for her.

Sirius dropped his arm--his hand slapping against his thigh. "You want me to hold you and now you don't?" he asked, shaking his head as he ran his fingers through his hair. "Which is it, Althea?"

Althea did not respond, but gently bit her bottom lip.

"We've wasted twelve years," he continued, looking into her eyes--his eyes refusing to admit the passion he spoke in his words. "I love you and I know you love me--"

"It doesn't matter," she interrupted as she folded her arms and kicked her heel against the wooden floor.

Sirius' eyes widened. "Doesn't matter?" he repeated in amazement and growled--pulling at his hair. "I love you, what else is there?"

Althea shook her head sadly. "You don't love me," she answered quietly, looking to her feet. "You don't truly love me."

"I don't love you?" he roared, and threw his hands up in the air, letting them drop heavily to his sides. "What more must I do, Althea?"

Forgive me, she thought and sighed ruefully.

"I don't know," she murmured, continuing to look at her feet--she would paint her toenails red for the pink color was too pale.

"When you discover it, tell me, right?" he asked with frustration.

No, she thought, lifting her eyes to him. You would hate me more than I hate myself.

"Just go, please," she whispered and fretfully bit her bottom lip.

"Right," he sighed and bit the inside of his cheek. As Sirius was about to open the door, he stopped and turned to face her. "What ever it takes, I'll do it," he said, looking into her eyes. "I love you."

Forgive me, she thought as Sirius closed the door after him.

"I love you too," she whispered; she hiccupped from letting the words escape and covered her mouth.