Ebb and Flow

Hogwarts, April 1994

***

"Bugger all," Althea mumbled, rolling over onto her back.

Raising her hands to her eyes to block the sunlight, Althea stretched her aching legs from their previously cramped position. How long have I been passed out, she thought as she wiped the dried drool from the side of her face. Slowly, she lifted her head off the tile, and stopped as her head started throbbing. Holding her head, she swayed from side to side as she attempted to stand on her shaky legs. Still drunk from the evening before, Althea rested her hands on her sink, leaning into her hands to steady herself. Slowly lifting her head, she gazed at herself in the mirror and groaned. Her face flushed from alcohol, her eyes puffy and bloodshot, and her skin full of crease marks from her clothing. She was grotesque and ugly--a horrible old hag. Resting her hands against the doorframe, she pushed herself forward into her bedroom. Carefully holding onto anything stationary to keep her balance, she walked toward and flung herself onto her bed. Indifferent to adjusting herself, Althea lay motionless on her bed--her hair in her face and her arms at her sides.

"Make it go away," she groaned, shutting her eyes tighter.

"Make what go away?" Remus asked, sitting on her bed. "Good God, Althea, you smell awful! You've been drinking again?" he added, poking her shoulder.

Althea flung her arm in the direction of Remus, hoping to make contact--she hit him in the shoulder. "Get away from me!" she croaked, lifting herself off her bed.

Remus frowned. "Come on, I'll help you in the bath," he replied calmly as he stood, stretching his arms out the help Althea.

"No!" she shouted, waving her arms and staggering backward. "Don't touch me!"

"Althea, I'll draw a bath for you," he said, walking toward her.

Althea fumbled in her pocket as she searched for her wand. "Get away from me!" she yelled, pointing her wand at Remus.

Remus frowned as he eyed Althea warily. "This isn't necessary," he replied calmly. "Please, put down your wand."

Her hand shaking, she refused to put down her wand. "I--I know what you did--you--you--murderer!" she shouted, tears streaming down her face.

Remus sighed. "Althea, calm down," he said, slipping his hand into his pocket.

Althea saw him reach for his wand. "I will not calm down!" she shouted, enraged. "And do not reach for your wand!"

Remus lifted his hand from his pocket. "I'm not reaching for my wand," he replied, showing her his hands. "Now, what is this you're talking about?"

"You know!" she shouted, thrusting her wand forward as she spoke. "You--you took my Sirius away from me! Still bitter, that he sent Snape to the Whomping Willow! So, you framed him for the death of his best friend! When it was you all along!" she finished, her arm aching from its raised position.

She waited for his reply, but none came. Was his silence his agreement? Remus stood, with his arms at his sides, frowning. Althea could not tolerate his silence anymore.

"Say something, damn it! Say it! Say it!" she demanded, stomping up and down.

"Keep your voice down," he said coolly.

"Keep your voice down? Keep your voice down? Is that all you can say--keep your voice down?" she shouted, throwing her arms up into the air. "Don't you ever show any emotion?"

"Althea, please," he replied, his jaw tightening.

Disgusted, Althea threw her wand onto her bed. "I should have known," she said, running her fingers through her slightly matted hair. "You never cried, or yelled, or screamed. You were calm--always so calm." Althea walked toward Remus. "Why didn't you cry--hmm? Why didn't you yell or curse the ground Sirius walked on?"

"I curse Sirius every time I see Harry or Prudence," he began, staring into her eyes. "I curse him when I think about how he treated you--sending his pregnant lover to the Death Eaters. Did you forget Peter? He killed Peter and those twelve Muggles. Muggles that had no idea what was going on in our world. I'm not as loud as you, but I know keenly what you feel," he said, raising his hand to her shoulder--Althea backed away. "After everything, how--how could you think that I..." he began, but shook his head instead of finishing his question.

Althea frowned. "Rosmerta told me about her conversation with Fudge."

"Fudge?"

Althea nodded. "Rosmerta said that Sirius gave up his bike to Hagrid. Remus, you know how much he loved that bike," she said and folded her arms, gently rubbing her upper arms. "He was going to kill himself."

Remus rested his hands on her shoulders, and Althea did not move away. "Of course, he was--he did a terrible thing. Don't pay attention to what Fudge says.... I thought you'd know that by now," he said softly and kissed her forehead.

"I'm sorry," she murmured, resting her head against his shoulder.

How could I have thought of something so stupid, she thought as Remus held her close.

"I know--you're drunk and mad," he said quietly, stroking her back, "and that's why I love you."

Althea moved away from him and smiled.

"As a friend," he added, narrowing his eyes.

Althea frowned. "Even though I smell of alcohol and cigarettes?"

"Unfortunately, yes," he replied, raising an eyebrow. "I forgot it was April Fools yesterday. Had a little more than one shot of Firewhiskey?"

Althea nodded. "Family rum," she muttered, scratching the side of her face.

"You sit while I draw you a bath."

Althea sat and watched Remus as he entered her bathroom. "I can take care of myself, you know," she said loudly and clutched her head.

"Of course, you can," he replied and Althea heard him turn on the water faucet. A couple minutes passed, and Remus entered her bedroom. "It's all ready. I'll make you some tea."

Althea smiled as she entered her bathroom--Remus had drawn her bath using rose-scented bubble bath. She undressed, and slowly slipped into her bath. Althea rested her head against the back of the tub and deeply inhaled the sweet, soothing fragrance. Sinking lower into the tub, she closed her eyes and thought about what a complete fool she had been to Remus. How could she have believed that Remus was a murderer? After all these years and I treat him horribly, she thought, slipping her head underneath the warm water. I don't deserve his friendship. I don't deserve to be forgiven, she thought as she surfaced and opened her eyes.

Remus cleared his throat. "I have your tea," he said, standing in the bathroom doorway. "I'll leave it here. I also brought your wand for a Sobering Charm," he added, and Althea heard him place the items upon her sink.

"I'd like my tea now, actually," she said, smiling.

"Oh, right."

Looking away, with his eyes closed, Remus handed her a cup of tea. Taking the tea, Althea laughed at his modesty.

"Remus please," she said laughingly, taking a sip of tea. "I'm not that modest," she said, resting her head against the back of the bathtub, "but I suppose I am that hideous naked."

"You're not hideous," he sighed, folding his arms.

Althea smiled mischievously. "Could you perform the Sobering Charm?" she asked, taking another sip of tea. "I'm all wet."

Even though his back was turned, she could still imagine the frown forming across his face. Remus, his back turned toward her, pointed his wand at Althea.

"Remus, I think you need to turn around for this one--you're not even aiming properly," she said, placing the empty cup on the floor next to bathtub.

"I'll wait until you're out of the bath," he said, walking toward the bathroom door.

Althea frowned. What is the big deal, she thought, stepping out of the bathtub. As if he has never seen me naked--he was there, holding my hand, when Prudence was born, she continued to think as she wrapped a towel around herself. Slipping on her dressing gown, she walked over to Remus, who sat on her bed. Althea sat next to him and folded her hands in her lap.

"Well," she sighed.

"Sobrius," he said, tapping his wand on the top of her head. From the tip of his wand, a warm, tingling sensation trickled throughout her body.

"Thank you," she said, smiling. "Could you dry my hair too?"

"Arefacio," he muttered, pointing his wand to her wet hair.

"Much better," she replied, smiling. "Thank you." Althea gently bit her bottom lip at the awkward silence encompassing the room. "Remus," she sighed, looking into his eyes, "you shouldn't forgive me so quickly. I said such terrible, awful things to you."

Remus sighed and smiled. "You were drunk--you tend to say awful things when you're drunk," he said, taking her hand in his. "You also become very...amorous," he added with amusement.

"Please," she said, squeezing his hand. "You take care of me and look how I repay you," she said, looking at their hands. "I accuse you of something absolutely horrible!"

Remus rested his forehead against hers. "I've been accused of worse, you know," he replied quietly. "I ignore it."

"But it had to have hurt you."

"It did," he replied, stroking the top of her hand. "I know how much you don't want to believe you made a mistake."

Althea cringed at the word mistake. She never wanted to admit to herself that she had made a mistake dating Sirius--that she had mistaken his character so greatly. She never wanted to admit to herself, that Gran in all her infinite, but faulty wisdom was correct. In Sirius's blood traveled evil, and no amount of praying, wishing, or denial could change him. Maybe it was better she gave up Prudence for adoption--Dumbledore had known all along, but he spoke in riddles and shrouded sentences. Althea sighed knowingly--she was never good at riddles. Now that evil coursed through her daughter's veins, and she hoped that evil never surfaced again. I pray somehow it has been diluted, she thought, taking a ragged breath. I could never live with myself knowing I helped create a potential monster.

Althea pulled away from Remus. "I think I am ready, though," she said, frowning. "I, Althea Rosemary Morrigan, being of--don't laugh, Remus--being of sound mind, do hereby state that I made a huge mistake when I took Sirius back...the bastard," she finished and Remus tenderly squeezed her hand. "God, that was difficult."

"But it needed to be said," he replied thoughtfully.

"It took almost thirteen years to say it," she replied, producing a small, nervous laugh.

Remus smiled and brought her hand to his cheek. "Now, I have something to say."

"Yes?"

"Althea, if it weren't for you, I wouldn't have lived to witness my thirtieth birthday," he began softly and closed his eyes. "Almost nine years ago, when the Ministry marked me, I thought my life was over," he said, nuzzling her hand. Althea's eyes lingered on the branded W on Remus's wrist, which he fiercely covered, but let escape in her presence. "But you reminded me that I was human--"

"A man--"

Remus smiled. "Yes, a man. I'll never forget that.... Thank you."

"You're welcome."

Remus continued to sit before her with his eyes closed, and Althea had the sudden urgency to kiss him. The urge was so overwhelming and intense that her body jolted forward; however, she abruptly halted herself from doing so, and Remus did not seem to notice her struggle. What would have happened, if just then, she had kissed him? Would he have kissed her back, or pushed her away? The thought of him pushing her away did not frighten her as much as the thought of him kissing her back. He's a friend--a good friend--Althea, nothing more.

Remus opened his eyes. "That's why I could never hate you," he said, removing her hand from the side of his face and gently placing it in her lap. "I've known you too long to know when you really mean something."

Althea smiled timidly. "No more pity days for me."

"I think that is a wonderful idea," he said, smiling. "I like you better on tea anyway," he added and stood.

"Where are you going?" she asked, standing.

"I have to finish reading the first-year essays."

"Prudence?"

Remus nodded. "I'll bring you Prudence's essay to read after you've had some rest," he said, resting his hands on her shoulders.

"Thank you," she replied, and that impulse to kiss him returned--Althea bit her lip instead.

"I'll see you later, then," he replied, stroking a strand of hair away from her face. His rough fingertips brushed against her skin, causing a jolt of adrenaline to surge through her body.

"Right," she whispered, the impulse shortening her breath.

"Get some rest," he said and kissed her cheek.

Althea closed her eyes as her breath constricted--all she needed to do was turn her face. Turn your face, Althea, she thought as Remus began to pull away. Turn it! Turn it! Althea, her head frozen, watched as Remus pulled away from her. She waved and said goodbye as he walked out her door. For a moment, Althea stood motionless, watching the closed door.

Frustrated, she threw herself backward onto her bed. "Damn it! Damn it! Damn it!" she growled, pounding her fists into her bed. "This is very wrong!"

She covered her face with her hands and angrily rubbed her eyes--hoping to remove the thought of Remus as anything more than a close friend from her mind.