Perpetual Mirages

***

"No one knows what it's like

To be the bad man

To be the sad man

Behind blue eyes.

And no one knows what it's like

To be hated.

To be faded...Telling only lies.

But my dreams...They aren't as empty

As my conscience seems to be.

I have hours, only lonely.

My love is vengeance

That's never free.

No one knows what it's like

To feel these feelings

Like I do...

And I blame you."

-- "Behind Blue Eyes," Pete Townsend (The Who)

June 1997, Hogwarts

Seven years could change a person. In Draco's case, the seven years since he hadn't seen his cousin had made him bitter and resentful and sarcastic. The taut muscles in his jaw were like that because he rarely smiled. He only spoke to make wisecracks and make other people feel about two inches tall.

It was all Vivian's fault; she had made him that way. She had fucked up their plans, just like she fucked up everything when they were younger. They were supposed to be sorted together. They were supposed to both be in Slytherin and feel superior because they were Malfoys, or Vivian was supposed to be in Ravenclaw and get laughed at by him because she wasn't worthy enough to be a Slytherin. This was destined, but then she had to run off and die. He stared at the realms of Hogwarts and spat at the ground.

It was the night before his graduation, when he was to return home for what was possibly the final time before embarking out on his own. He had been of age for a little over six months now, and he was contemplating the fact of not even attending graduation.

But that would be too pretentious, he decided. Something Harry Potter would do. Draco grimaced. He did like the boy in more ways then one, no doubt, but the fact that he had to admit it to himself and break the secrecy was just nauseous-making.

He sat in the Slytherin common room, thinking he was the only one still awake. He didn't even feel the shadow of another person's presence sweep over him. When he did finally look up, he saw Blaise Zabini staring back at him, her pouty lips puckered out.

"Go to bed, Blaise," he sighed out of the corner of his mouth. Blaise looked thoughtful, then shook her head. She stared at him some more, elevating her head with her hand until she decided to speak.

Her eyes moving across the room, she said, "What's the matter with you? We're graduating tomorrow; we're powerful people." Draco chewed at his lip, scratched his ear, and cracked his knuckles.

"Thinking."

"About what?"

"You wouldn't understand."

"I wouldn't understand? Oh, come on. I'm really the most misunderstood Slytherin of the bunch."

"Yeah, well. I'm the most feared and hated."

Blaise laughed. "Yeah, you really are, Draco. But tell me what's on your mind." She conjured up two extra pillows, one for her and one for him. Draco took one and rested it above his knees, staring at the green flamed fire.

"I...Well. I wanted my cousin to be here. She was supposed to come to Hogwarts with me when we turned eleven." He mumbled, not really that thrilled about pouring his heart out to Blaise. After all, she was pretty aloof, like that Luna girl from Ravenclaw--but she had given him a pillow, and was a pretty sympathetic listener.

The girl nodded. "What happened?"

"She died. Right before we turned eleven, in fact."

Blaise gasped. Her mouth hung slightly and she didn't know whether it was better to say something, or just stare in shocked silence. "I...I'm sorry," she finally croaked, realizing all of Draco's rage and contempt had really been from wallowing in grief too long.

"It's alright. I just feel so betrayed, because we had these plans and they were shattered, and I was a ten-year old so you know, I didn't know what was going on. She was my best friend. She fucked me up pretty bad."

"What was her name?"

He suddenly needed to grip his mind to remember. All of those years, he had been referring to his cousin as 'her' or 'she.' She had been gone so long to him that her name had become something useless, worthless to her forgotten identity. "Vivian," he finally said, the name feeling heavy and weighted on his lips. "Vivian Malfoy...Don't know if she had a middle name or anything like that."

Blaise nodded. "She'll be at graduation tomorrow, you'll see." She got up and stretched her arms. "The way you talk about her, she must be an angel. You rarely talk nice about anyone. And there's this old Muggle saying that angels watch down from above. So, she'll be there tomorrow."

With that, she stalked back to the Girls Dormitory.

Draco still sat in his chair, clutching his pillow, thinking about all the 'what-ifs?' and if his cousin was sitting next to him on the armchair, tugging playfully at his robe, staring at her matching one, with the Slytherin emblem sewed onto it.

***

Durmstrang

Most of the almost-graduates of Durmstrang were sleeping soundly in their dormitories, oblivious to the rowdiness of their drunker classmates and their parties downstairs. Vivian was in her house's Common Room, obviously and thoroughly drunk, splayed out on the floor by Ralph Detmov's feet.

He was drunk himself, though not as drunk as Vivian, and was quite pleased by the attention that the Merdoc-Malfoy was giving him. Two girls in armchairs at the far end of the room were snickering. "Remember how nice she used to be? Now she's just a sarcastic whore," they spat.

Ralph slowly lifted Vivian to her feet, who giggled. "So, what are you doing after graduation?" he whispered huskily in her ear. She leaned over to murmur in his own ear, but missed.

"Gonna travel and prove 'em wrong," she laced her arms around his neck and tried to smother it with kisses, but he pushed her away, and began to smooth back her greasy blonde hair.

"Going to prove who wrong?" he asked.

With that, Vivian let out a throaty laugh. "Fuck 'em all," and she sprawled herself onto Ralph's front side. She began to kiss his lips and place her nimble hands on his shoulders. He reciprocated by wrapping his legs around her waist.

"Is this how you want to spend the night before graduation?" he asked her, sliding her dress sleeves up and down her arm. She gave a raspy growl, and grabbed him by the hand, no doubt leading him towards her dormitory.

After lots of drunken tripping and giggling, they finally arrived at their desired bed, and Vivian was more then happy to get their party underway. She stripped Ralph off his shirt the manual way, and decided to use her magic the only way she deemed useful and chanted the rest of his clothes off.

Ralph grabbed Vivian by the waist and decided he wasn't going to waste any time fumbling with his wand. He ripped Vivian's black dress by the sleeves and kissed and bit her with such ferocity that she almost bruised instantly. Vivian didn't seem to mind her companion's roughness; in fact, she seemed to encourage it.

"I want you," she said, barely audible. Ralph leaned her up against the headboard and pushed her dress by her hips, making it into a rumpled mess. He chewed at his lip and stared at her. Her eyes were glazed over from all the alcohol she consumed during the course of the night and she nodded for him to go on. "I'm not a virgin," she slurred.

He nodded and winked at her, and just before he was about to make the night before graduation the most memorable way he could imagine, he closed the curtains around Vivian's bed, and did not re-emerge until the next morning.

***

Hogwarts

Draco awoke in the morning on the same arm-chair he'd fallen asleep in. Realizing where he was and what the day would hold in store, he cursed under his breath. He had wallowed so in his bitterness and contemplated his talk with Blaise, that he completely blacked out in the Common Room from tiredness and didn't have the strength to make it to his own bed.

"Well, you fucked me up again, Viv," he muttered as he skipped three steps running up the stairs. He almost ran head first into Millicent Bulstrode. "Sorry," he said hastily, pushing past her and arriving at the landing. He turned left so fast he thought his ankle would break in two.

He ran into the Seventh Year Boys' Dormitories with a brilliant deep breath. The boys in there, who were fixing their dress robes and whatnot, all stopped their idle chit-chat and stared at him. Draco held up his hands and, without even bothering to shower, pulled on his dress robes.

"Where were you?" drawled Goyle, who was unthinkingly poking Crabbe in his arm. Draco shrugged him off and adjusted his color. He tried to slick back his hair with some Hair Potion, but it did nothing good. He laid it flat on his head.

"Um, Common Room...Dozed off for a bit, yeah." He nodded to his lackeys, who were still poking and prodding each other. He made a face to himself and tried to fix his hair once more. "So this is it, huh, guys?" he said.

Crabbe and Goyle stared. "This is what?" Goyle asked.

"The big day." Draco paused. "...Graduation. It's like this really big ceremony where all the people celebrated leaving the school and moved onto bigger and better things." He adjusted his dress robes once more and stalked out of the dormitory.

***

Durmstrang

Vivian awoke slowly to a pounding in her head, and it took her a minute to realize that it was the blood flowing in and out of her cavities. She felt heaviness on her, and saw, as she unglued her eyelids, that Ralph was sprawled on his side, his muscular arm draped around her middle. He lacked clothing. Sitting up, she realized she did, too.

Ralph moved his arm, groaning. It was obvious that he was as hung-over, if not more so, then she was. "Morning," he said sleepily. Scratching his head, he suddenly sprung to his feet and grimaced. "Fuck!" he shouted. "Today's graduation. Fuck, fuck, fuck!" He grabbed for the clothes that he had been so willing to take off the previous night.

"Oh, God," Vivian groaned, clutching her stomach. "I think I'm going to be sick." She ran past the bed into the showers, where she was noisily ill. Re-emerging sweaty and placid, she changed her clothes into an elegant white dress robe, and her greasy hair into a perfect bun. To cover up the vomit and alcohol on her, Vivian sprayed some SmellyWitch Perfume.

Sniffing the aroma, she stared blankly at Ralph. "Do I know you?" she asked. Ralph blinked, his clothes of their drunken encounter clinging to his skin. He shuffled his foot on the thick carpeting and cleared his throat.

"Um, yeah. We've been going to school together for...seven years. We made love last night," he mumbled.

Vivian's eyes widened. "Oh, right! Ritchie. Yes, of course. Well, you were great. Really amazing. Well, got to go, people to meet...graduation ceremonies to attend..." And with that, she was off. Ralph stood by her bed, scratching his head.

***

Hogwarts

Despite his lateness at getting dressed, Draco was the first one in the Great Hall. He was alone in the vast room, except for Dumbledore who was setting up his podium. "Ah, Draco," he wheezed.

"Hello, Professor," said the boy. He looked around the room, which was normally packed with tables and decorations, but was now crammed with chairs, all in neat rows. There was a respectable sized stage in the front, where the podium was. Welcome to Graduation at Hogwarts. "If you're busy, I'll go now," he said.

Dumbledore's eyes twinkled. "No, it's quite alright. You are more then welcomed to stay if that's what you please." Draco gave a curt nod as a way to show his gratitude and sat down on the first chair he saw. Dumbledore gave a quick clap and a huge banner hung overhead, saying 'Congratulations Graduates.'

Draco scowled. "What? Not happy about finally leaving?" Dumbledore chuckled. With another swift movement of his fingers, the banner was perfected. "Another door closes, another one open, Mr. Malfoy," said the Headmaster. With a satisfied nod, as to reinforce the statement, he left, leaving Draco all alone, pondering what the Mudblood Lover had said.

Durmstrang

Vivian was the last one to arrive at the graduation ceremony, but that was fine because she was always the last one for breakfast, lunch and dinner...the last person to enter the classroom and the last one to leave...Everything she did was somewhat aggravating and she always held people back.

"Ah, Miss Merdoc-Malfoy," said Karkaroff. Giving a curt smile, she spotted a seat next to the same girls who were talking about her last night. She felt someone, Ralph probably, squirming uncomfortably behind her. "If you would be so kind as to sit down, we could get the ceremony started."

She gave a terse smile and sank into her seat, feeling the oil on her hair and skin like beaded drops. Karkaroff cleared his throat, and discreetly cracked his knuckles and searched for the paper on his podium.

Hogwarts

In the course of the next hour, Draco sat in the Great Hall as slowly, but surely, people started filing in. He was surrounded by people he liked, people he despised, people he never knew, people he never got the chance to know. He was seated next to Justin Finch-Fletchly (despised) and Padma Patil (who?).

Over his shoulder, he could see ditzy Blaise chatting up Ron Weasley, who seemed as if he'd rather make the graduation speech himself then talk to her. Then there was Hermione Granger, and Harry...

Draco felt his heart beat. Forcing himself to look away, so Harry wouldn't see him staring, he looked hard and long at the podium until Dumbledore took a long stride onto the stage, arranged the papers in front of him, and began to speak.

Durmstrang

"As you sit here before me, you are just about to take another step in this world. While many of you are seventeen already, some of you are still sixteen, and are only one year away from true independence. I have seen you grow and mature, and be wise beyond your years. You have talent, and intrinsic worth. You have authority, erudition and most of all...You have each other. I have done the most I could to ensure that you have had a first-rate education, and a first-rate time here at Durmstrang. You are no longer in my care, and it is up to you now to make the right choices and nurse yourself through your mistakes. Congratulations, Class of 1997." Karkaroff finished.

He tried to look at everyone of them, but there were too many. Most of the students were grinning broadly or wiping away tears, or fighting back tears. The parents sitting on the other side of the room were grinning so broadly that their jaws might just snap into two. Vivian sat in her chair, rubbing her temples and wondering where she could find some aspirin to numb the torture of her hangover.

Karkaroff began to speak again. "Some of you in this very room have already found your calling. I hope the rest of you find it soon, and with ease. A mind is a terrible thing to waste, but all of you have your minds. Use them to question, use them to explore, and use them to bring some good into this world." He paused. "Always look back on your memories at Durmstrang, and let it be the inspiration that you need to accomplish whatever your heart desires."

The audience erupted in more applause, and Vivian fought back the urge to vomit again. "Now, students, please rise and form one straight line against this wall."

Hogwarts

"As you sit here before me, you are just about to take another step in this world. While many of you are seventeen already, some of you are still sixteen, and are only one year away from true independence. I have seen you grow and mature, and be wise beyond your years. You have talent, and intrinsic worth. You have authority, erudition and most of all...You have each other. I have done the most I could to ensure that you have had a first-rate education, and a first-rate time here at Hogwarts. You are no longer in my care, and it is up to you now to make the right choices and nurse yourself through your mistakes. Congratulations, Class of 1997." Dumbledore finished.

Hermione clapped the loudest, and Draco heard her ask Harry something, he couldn't hear over the thunder of applause. He couldn't hear Harry's answer, either, because Harry never did answer. Dumbledore began to speak again.

"Some of you in this very room have already found your calling. I hope the rest of you find it soon, and with ease. A mind is a terrible thing to waste, but all of you have your minds. Use them to question, use them to explore, and use them to bring some good into this world." He paused. "Always look back on your memories at Hogwarts, and let it be the inspiration that you need to accomplish whatever your heart desires."

The audience erupted in more applause, and Draco sneered, highly doubting he'd ever look back on this school with fond memories. "Now, students, please rise and form one straight line against this wall."

After both graduations were completed, the students in both schools began to head back to their Common Rooms to get ready for an enormous party and feast. Vivian trudged behind all her classmates, contemplating whether or not she really wanted to attend the party. After all, there would be alcohol, and then she'd feel compelled to drink. And her bed looked so inviting...

At Hogwarts, however, Draco was situated by the door, watching as each parent and student filed out, until he saw the one person he really wanted to see. After a few minutes, he saw a mound of bushy, brown hair and a slight glimmer of a red scar. He stopped Harry as he walked through the door.

"Hi, Harry," Draco mumbled.

Harry squinted his eyes. "What do you want, Draco?"

"Can't a fellow classmate say congratulations?"

"I...I guess so,"

"Hey!" someone called out. "You're holding up the line!"

Draco discreetly gave him the middle finger and turned his attention back to Harry. "Alright, then. Congratulations."

The Boy-Who-Lived nodded, and then gripped Hermione's hand very securely as they both filed out the door.