Draco's Draught

Invisible

He was here. And he hadn't simply left. He'd been watching me. Did that mean that he didn't hate me? My mouth was horribly dry, but I spoke again. "Harry?"

He stepped towards the bed and lay his cloak across it. "Hello, Malfoy."

Malfoy. My heart sank. Perhaps it would be better if I just left. "Sorry to disturb you. I'll get out of your way." I moved to stand up, but he placed his hand on top of mine, and though it was only a light touch, it held me where I sat as though his touch had petrified me.

It took him a long time to speak, but when he did, the words rushed out of him as though he could hold onto them no longer. "Don't. You keep running away. Haven't you figured out by now that that won't work?" The look in his eyes was beyond pain. They were blank, as though there were nothing left for him to feel. I wanted him to slap me, or scream at me. Or anything. Just so that I knew he was still there. But he just kept talking in that quiet voice of his.

"I hate this. I hate what you do to me. I hate chasing you all the time, Draco. I just want to be with you. Why does it have to be so difficult? Why are you always pulling away? I know this won't be the easiest relationship in history, but do you have to lend it a hand so often to make it worse? Why can't you just want to be with me, and leave it at that?"

By the end of this little speech, my head was spinning. He still wanted me! He was here, and he wanted to be with me. It was all I could do to keep myself from pulling him towards me and kissing him. But that would do neither of us any good. And he had to know that.

"Harry..." I pulled my hand out from under his. "I don't know what to say, honestly."

His gaze was steady, but the coldness that had been there in potions class was gone. "Why don't you start with the truth? Like why you seem to think we shouldn't be together, and why Pansy's been hanging off you for the past week."

"The truth has never been the problem. It's the fact that we are who we are that makes things so impossible. In being with you so much the last few months, I forgot far too much. I forgot who I am, a Malfoy, as you so kindly pointed out just a few moments ago. Could you really want to deal with everything that entails, Harry?"

"Are you suggesting that I don't know what your name brings with it, Draco? I'm the one who was in that graveyard when your father 'popped in' to see his master, Draco. I'm the one who was nearly killed by your father and his cronies--twice. I know who your father is. And do you know what, Draco? It all means nothing. I knew all that when we kissed that first time. I knew who you were. That eventually you'd go back to being Draco Malfoy again, and that this would happen, and I still came to see you again. Isn't that enough? When will you be the one to start realizing things, Draco?"

The anger in his eyes was back, and I had to steel myself to keep from turning away. "I know you've dealt with my father before..."

"You don't know anything, Draco! Do you know what nearly happened in second year because of him? Do you know that Ginny almost died because of your father? That we almost had another Voldemort in this world because of him? That your father would have killed me and half of this school, just on a whim?"

"Harry..."

"No, Draco. I think it's time for me to talk. Because you don't seem to get it. When this all started, I just wanted to help someone who was obviously upset. Even though at the time I couldn't stand you. I mean, I suppose there were other things involved, but I could see how upset you were. I couldn't understand why your whole house was treating you that way, and I just wanted you to know you had somewhere to turn to, even if we weren't the best of friends. And somewhere along the way I realized that maybe it was more than that. That maybe, just maybe, I had feelings for you. And do you know how that made me feel, Draco?"

His eyes were burning now, and my throat closed so that I couldn't reply, but he kept talking.

"Euphoric. It was freeing. I let go of all that hatred that we always shared, and instead I felt like nothing could go wrong. Even if you never let me closer, I knew that just liking you, instead of hating you, meant that everything could be different. That we didn't have to be at each other's throats all the time. That maybe we could even have a civil conversation.

"And then you let me be with you, and I found out how much better it could get." Harry reached out and grabbed my hand. "Being with you last month was...something that I'll never forget." He blushed. "I have to admit that I liked seeing you as a girl, because you were more vulnerable, more willing to share you pain with me. And that was okay, because I can deal with pain Draco. And I wanted to be there for you. No matter what." His voice dropped to a whisper. "Even if you turned back and never wanted to see me again..."

I opened my mouth to respond, but he put his fingers against my lips. "Just let me finish, okay?" I nodded.

He looked away for a second, then swallowed. When his eyes returned to look into mine again, he seemed calm once more.

"I made you a promise, Draco. Remember? That, no matter what happened, I'd be here New Year's Eve. I was. I think that I'd deluded myself that you would come. Even though I'd heard about the party you were throwing that night. I thought that maybe you'd planned it as a distraction, or something." He took a deep breath. "I waited here all night, Draco. Do you know what that feels like? I wanted to throw things, to hit things...I don't think I've ever felt quite that angry in quite that way before. Ron stopped talking to me again, not because I still wanted to be with you, but because all I did when he talked to me was growl or snap at him. And Hermione's terrified. She thinks I've totally lost it. They still make sure I get to class, and they still hang out with me, but..." He swallowed.

"And I've been coming here every night since, Draco. I keep hoping that you'll turn up. Not that I had any idea what I'd do if you did. And now you're here, and..." he pulled away, and I could feel the tears in my eyes.

"Harry..." I reached out to touch him on the arm. He was shaking. I supposed it was decision time. I either apologized and left quickly, or... And then my choice was made as I pulled him into my arms and he collapsed against me.

I held him for a moment before I started to speak, and once I started, I was simply unable to stop. I needed this, needed to see him, feel him...to tell him everything. Even if we couldn't stay together. At least we were here now. That was what was important, right?

"I never meant to hurt you, Harry. I did it for you. After I turned back, I realized that I thought it would never actually happen. That I could stay with you forever, as a girl. That we could have a normal relationship. That you could somehow protect me from my father. But I was wrong, Harry. Even if I'd never turned back, he would have found a way to separate us. He's stronger than you think.

"I knew father was involved in what happened second year, but not how. I knew he had big plans, and I knew that you managed to grind them into so much dust. But I don't think you realize what he would have done to you if you hadn't been so well-protected here. In fact, when I think about it, it horrifies me. My father is not a nice man. He may wear a mask when he's with his master, but the real mask is put on when he's in polite society, Harry. He's deadly. I'm his son, and I'm terrified of him. Of what he could do. To you. To me. To us. And I can't let him. So if that means letting you go, even if you hate me, I have to do it."

He tried to speak, but it was my turn to stop him. "You've had your chance. Let me talk." He nodded, and pulled away from me so that he could see my face.

I took a deep breath and started again. "But do you know what else I've discovered, Harry?" He shook his head. "I've discovered that my best intentions are worth crap. I couldn't stay away from you if I tried. Even when I tried to be nice in class, it blew up in my face. I..." my voice fell to a whisper. "I just wanted to be close to you again." He tried to pull me close, but I pulled away, and stood up.

"I don't even understand how you can be here, waiting for me, after everything. You should hate me by now." I turned to look at him, and I could see the acceptance in his eyes. "Maybe it would be easier if you did." I sat down again, as close to him as I could be without touching him. "We can't be friends. There's too much against it right now. My father, Snape, Dumbledore, our houses..."

"Draco, none of that matters..."

"It does! I know you don't think so, but it does. This is our life at the moment, and until the end of next year, at least, we have to live them as they are. If we do anything else..." I took a deep breath. "How do you think Dumbledore would react if you decided that you weren't going to fight the Dark Lord? Do you think he'd just let you go? It's the same for me. We both have roles to play, Harry. And until they're over, we won't be given the choice about how to live our lives. Or who we can be with."

"So your father'd rather see you with Pansy, is that it?"

I snorted. "My father would rather see me with anyone he could wrap around his fingers. Too bad she won't be the one, eh?"

"Oh? She looked pretty comfy with you at breakfast."

A grin spread across my face. "Oh, but that was before I had a little talk with Granger today."

"Hermione?"

"She was...concerned about you. You know, if I didn't know that she and Weasley had been dancing around each other since fourth year, I might get jealous." He smiled. "She told me something that allowed me to get Pansy off my back for good. Let's just leave it at that, shall we?"

"I suppose we can. So where does all this leave us, Draco?"

It was difficult to meet his eyes. "I don't know. I just don't know."

He pulled me close, cupping my face in his hands. "But you're still here..."

I smiled wryly. "Yes, I am."

And then his lips touched mine, and my eyes closed. No turning back. How could I give this up? Especially when it felt so right. His tongue nudged at my lips, and I opened them, accepting his tongue and offering my own. Perhaps it would only be once, but if so, I wanted it to be memorable. The kiss ended, and Harry pulled away. When he managed to speak, his voice was hoarse. "If you're leaving, do it now, because otherwise..."

"I'm not leaving. I can't promise anything beyond tonight, but..."

"Right now, that's good enough." He pulled me against him, and we kissed again. We took our time together, and tried everything we could think of. Our clothes scattered around us as we crossed that last threshold. It was everything I could have imagined.