Rumored Nervous Breakdown

I have no idea how long it has been since Mum, Remus, and Dad have left. Every once in a while someone will come in to adjust a monitor or to check on the numerous items stuck to my body.

Voices in the room have pulled me from a dreamless sleep. I realize Remus and Severus are at the other end of the bed. I can barely see their faces, because the only light in the room is coming from the monitor over my head.

"What are you doing here?" I hear Remus ask.

"I was told you would be here," Severus says. "You have other situations that need your attention, and I have been told for you to come with me."

"Who died and left you in charge?"

"Why did you wait so long before you informed us that she was locked in the psychiatric ward of St. Mungo's?" Remus asks with an edge of anger. "By the time I arrived, she had disappeared, and the staff denied she was even there."

"I had somewhere else I needed to be at the same time," Severus drawls. "Aren't you supposed to be somewhere right now? I was told you were to return with me."

"Severus, do you have anything to do with her ending up here?" Remus asks pointedly.

"Why would I dump her here when there are better alternatives?" Severus asks stiffly.

"Did Nell say anything when you were at St. Mungo's?" Remus asks, moving to the side of the bed. I close my eyes so they do not realize I am awake.

"When I arrived, she was in no condition to carry on a conversation. I did what I could to keep her alive. It is obvious that my efforts paid off," Severus says smugly. He steps over to the side of the bed opposite Remus. "Need I remind you that there is a prior engagement requiring your attention?"

"What do you have against her?" Remus asks with interest. "We are not in school anymore, and you should just let it go."

"I don't have time to worry about an attention-seeking drama queen. Eleanor was walking around school crying at the drop of a hat and slitting her wrists for attention," Severus says with venom.

"Drama queen? Who has been bitching for the past few years whenever the Defense job is vacated? I think I am abdicating my throne."

"Dumbledore said that the incident in November was an accident. Nell knocked that glass over when she passed out. She probably landed on top of it," Remus retorts.

"She is unbalanced, and I think your time should be spent on more pressing matters," Severus says.

I feel a hand brush over my forehead, and I hear Remus whisper, "I'll be back in the morning to see you."

I open my eyes to see two forms leave the room and shut the door quietly behind them.

I find myself waking up to the normal sounds of St. Mark's, wondering what the day is going to bring. I open my eyes to find someone standing at the end of my bed. I recognize the face as that of Geoffrey Fellows of the Missing Person's Division of the Ministry. Geoffrey's appearance is burned into my mind from an incident that occurred at an office Christmas party a few years ago; he made a pass at me in the buffet line, and the drink in my hand found itself mysteriously spilled on his robes.

"Well, Miss Howard, how nice of you to finally wake up." He glances down at his watch impatiently and says, "I have a very tight schedule, and I was about to leave for a more pressing engagement." He pulls out a notebook and sighs with exasperation. "I am investigating your having disappeared for over a month, and I have a few questions for you now that your calendar seems to be free."

I have not spoken a word to anyone in over a week, and I am not going to waste any effort on this git.

"What prompted you to leave school that afternoon and write the note?"

I stare off into space to avoid looking at him.

"Come now, there has to be something you can tell me." He seems to be getting impatient with my lack of response. "Runaway with a boyfriend, I take it?" he asks. "It must have been some torrid love affair." Geoffrey is on a roll with his fantasy of what happened to me. "Got yourself pregnant, did you?" he asks in an accusatory tone, while scribbling in his notebook. "I wouldn't blame you for leaving out of shame. What a horrible scandal for the school, a pregnant and unwed teacher at Hogwarts. Did he dump you here when he became tired of dealing with your excessive needs?" he inquires.

I finally realize I need to say something in my defense, and I manage a whispered, "No."

Geoffrey stares at me with loathing and continues with, "Broke some law then, Eleanor? Take something that is not yours?" he asks pointedly

My heart is now in my throat, and I pray he does not notice the monitor over my head going wild. I hear the door open, Geoffrey is pulled off of his feet to the floor, and Dad is standing over him looking murderous.

"I told you that I would speak to you before I would allow her to be questioned about this," Dad says in anger. "According to the hospital administration, my daughter was on the floor of that lobby convulsing for ten minutes, not breathing, and had a non-existent pulse. From looking at her condition, she has probably had many more episodes before she was found. She is being kept sedated to keep them under control, and I doubt if she will be coherent for another week."

Geoffrey is at a loss for words, and his mouth is just hanging open in shock, because he does not do well with being rebuffed. He seems to realize talking to me will do no good. He pockets his pad of paper and slips out the door.

Dad turns back to me after looking at the monitor behind me and asks, "Did he do anything to hurt you?"

I shake my head, but I find myself on the verge of tears. A month's worth of agony is threatening to spill over. Before I completely fall apart, Dad takes my hand and strokes the top of my head.

"Don't worry," he says quietly. "You don't need to say anything until you are ready."

Remus appears in the doorway looking a bit concerned and asks, "Was that Geoffrey from Missing Persons? How did he get in here?"

"I haven't a clue, and he had better not show his face again. I'll discuss a restraining order as soon as I get home," Dad tells Remus quietly.

"Dad brings the saying, 'The pen is mightier than the sword' to a whole new level. He does not need his fists to bring pain to someone. He just needs a few legal documents and a good argument."

"You might want to include Dolores Umbridge in that order, because she is making a spectacle about this in the paper. She has been spouting how overjoyed she is that her friend has been found, but she is leaving hints that Nell disappeared voluntarily," Remus tells my father.

"I didn't," I say in a hoarse whisper, as Dad and Remus looked stunned that I have finally spoken up. "Dolores sent me away and tried to make it look like I killed myself," I say in a rush of words. I can feel tears rolling down my cheek as I finally release the pent up feelings from the past few weeks. The effort to speak up has cost me a great deal of energy, and I feel like I have run a marathon.

"Why did she do this to you?" Dad asks.

"I caught Fudge and Dolores stealing from a common fund at the Ministry used to pay for outside contracts. I ordered an audit, and I took the paperwork with her signatures on the purchase orders when I left," I say, and grab a tissue Dad has in his hands. "We had an argument the day I was to leave for the holidays, because she found out I ordered an audit. She hit me with I don't know what curse; I woke up a couple of days later strapped down at St. Mungo's."

"Nell, where are the papers?" Remus asks.

"Stuck to the back of a painting at the school," I state quietly. "It's the 'Master of the Hounds' near the Great Hall."

"Does Dolores know where they are?" Remus asks.

"I don't know. You can never tell what she is going to do," I say, looking into his eyes. I see a spark of anger I have never seen before.

"Nell, do you remember how you got here?" Dad asks.

"No, I just remember someone asking for my name," I say, nearly out of breath. "I want out of here," I manage to choke out, and tears are flowing heavily. "Dolores is going to regret what she did to me."

"We'll discus that later," Dad says.

"Nell, how did a suicide note with your hand writing appear outside the gate during Christmas?" Remus asks.

"Someone had to have forged it. I have not thought about hurting myself in over a decade," I explain.

"There's a rumor that you ran away from the school with a boyfriend, because you are pregnant," Remus says.

"So, I have been told. Who is the proud father?" I ask, nearly laughing at my own thought.

"I just want to prepare you for what is being said about you. There is an article in the Prophet about your reappearance." Remus pulls out the front page of the Prophet and hands me the article.

Missing Teacher Found Alive In a Muggle Hospital

Eleanor April Howard, 35, disappeared from the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry over the Winter Holidays. No trace of her was found until 28 January, when she appeared in the lobby of St. Mark's Hospital in London.

Dolores Umbridge, the Hogwarts High Inquisitor, comments, "I am thrilled my close associate has been found alive. I cannot wait to be reunited with her." An unnamed source within the school states that Ms. Howard may have faked her death to leave with a boyfriend when it was discovered she was expecting a baby in July. The identity of the father in question has not been determined at this time. The Headmaster, Albus Dumbledore, told this reporter that he feels the rumors surrounding the reasons behind her disappearance are false. He states, "No matter what circumstances may come up with members of my faculty, I give them unconditional support when they need it. The staff knows that they can count upon my understanding and confidence in any situation."

The Missing Persons Division has reopened the case to determine the exact cause of Ms. Howard's disappearance. There has been no word on her condition or the cause of her hospitalization. Ms. Howard's parents and lawyers are refusing to comment on the current events.

I don't know whether to cry, laugh, or do nothing. What type of person do people think I am? What do my friends really think about me? I feel like I have been slapped across the face, and all I can do is stare off into space.

I am brought back to my senses when someone tells my visitors that their time is up, and it is time for me to get some rest; however, she tells me that I will be moved to a regular room in a couple of days.

When Dad kisses me good-bye, I find myself alone with my thoughts. A few minutes later, a nurse walks in with the afternoon medication that always knocks me cold into late in the evening.

I snooze on and off for a few hours as someone adjusts something or checks on the miles of tubes sprouting from my body.

"How am I supposed to rest, when there are people in and out of here constantly? Now I know why I am kept so sedated."

I vaguely hear someone mention that I am very restless, and I seem to need more medication.

"What I need is a good sound dampening charm, not another injection in one of those horrible tubes!"

I finally drop off for a while. I have slept soundly until some idiot walks in and clears his throat. This is the last straw.

I open my eyes to find Severus standing beside the bed leering at me. I am in no mood to deal with him in my condition.

"What the hell do you want?" I ask, in a raspy whisper.

"Still playing the 'Damsel in Distress,'" he says tauntingly. "Eleanor Howard, the professional victim seeking even more attention." He has a nasty smile on his face.

"Did you come here to bother me, or do you have some other purpose in mind?" I ask. I manage to prop myself up on my elbows to get a better look at him.

"The Headmaster and several other members of the staff thought I should come over to check on you. Where is the lucky father?" he asks. "The Prophet has several candidates narrowed down." He seems really pleased with himself as he continues with, "I think Lupin is at the top of the list. I hear the first litter is due in July."

"Better watch it, Severus. From what I hear, you are the prime suspect. Sinistra always said we argued like an old married couple," I tell him, and he seems to purple in the face a bit. "I think the nursery should be hung with 'ducky and bunny' wallpaper. Unfortunately, I think it will be impossible to 'baby-proof' the dungeon. What about making a DIY project out of the Shrieking Shack?" I inquire, and laugh at the expression on his face.

"I am tired of wasting my time squabbling with you. The Headmaster has asked me to return several items to you," he says, handing me a long thin box wrapped in plain brown paper.

"Thank you," I tell him tonelessly.

"Don't mention it." He turns and slips out the door.

I pull off the paper and open the box. Lying wrapped in tissue paper are my wand and grandmother's watch; the two items I hold very close to my heart. I am unable to wear my watch because of the "hospital jewelry;" I decide it would be better to keep it and the wand in a small nylon bag Mum gave me to store personal items under my pillow. I have received two small pieces of my life handed back to me. I don't have a clue how Dumbledore was able to retrieve my watch from the Ministry. My grandmother gave it to me when I left Hogwarts. The watch has been in the family for generations, and I find comfort when I have it on my arm. I feel the ability to move forward and take charge of my life.

It has been several days since I have been moved to a regular room. I have been informed that I will be able to leave in three days. I am trying to make some decisions on how I will proceed, because no one can seem to get near the painting to retrieve the papers incriminating Dolores in the scam on St. Mungo's. Remus told me last night she seems to be watching everyone very closely.

I have been rather entertained by each installment in the Prophet concerning my disappearance. The whole dramatic love affair theory has taken on a life of its own. Apparently, anyone with a Y-chromosome in a twenty mile radius of the school is a suspect for fathering my imaginary love-child.

"Eeeww! This puts Argus Filch in the running."

I am working on what I am going to do when I get out of here. I sold my little house when I took the teaching position, because I planned on working outside the country when I finished teaching at Hogwarts this year. I had several offers from the States and Canada wanting to hire me, but the paperwork kept being mysteriously lost by the same clerk when it was resubmitted by both embassies. My parents have offered to let me move back with them, but I value my independence. I can see why they want me with them for a while. Whatever was fed to me at St. Mungo's damaged my heart even more and made my seizures harder to control. It is going to be a long time before my life resembles anything close to normal. I have some savings, because I did not have living expenses at the school, and my house sold for the asking price quickly. I know I won't be on the streets freezing to death.

My parents and Remus dropped the lawsuits against the Ministry for the handling of my disappearance, and the suit against the school has no case so it was ended. Being my father's daughter, I have decided to go after the Prophet for libel and defamation of character. I have an issue about being called an "irresponsible whore" in print.

I hear someone call my name, and I realize it is one of the nurses attempting to catch my attention.

"Excuse me, Miss Howard, this was left on the desk with your name," she says.

I tear open the envelope to find a letter from Albus Dumbledore.

Eleanor Howard

Room 810

St. Mark's Hospital

London

Dear Nell,

I am writing to discuss your possible return to the school. The substitute teacher I have in your position is due to leave soon, and I want to invite you back as the Muggle Studies Professor. I know you will have reservations; however, your presence is needed to prepare our students for what may come in the future. I am aware that you have not fully recovered from your ordeal, but I have arranged for a Healer in private practice to assist Madame Pomfrey in speeding your recovery and see to your needs. Please let me know your decision as quickly as possible to prevent the Ministry from putting someone totally unsuitable into this position. You have a gift for teaching, and your talents are sorely needed here.

Take care,

Albus Dumbledore

I don't know if I want to return to teaching again, because I have been warned that the possibility of a heart attack or stroke is an imminent threat. All my body needs is the right trigger, and it will be all over. With my savings and pension, I could live modestly and comfortably. I want to spend whatever time I have left enjoying the activities I love. I don't think he realizes how ill I really am. I was kept at St. Mark's for a reason, because it is the premier facility for cardiac research and has a neurology program which is second to none; there is a Healer in private practice who felt that treatment there would be the best option to keep me alive. The Wizarding World needs to realize not all their methods or potions developed for the community will work for all situations.

I have been staring out the window for the past few hours wondering what life would be like in retirement. I could open up a little horseback riding academy, work part-time in Dad's law office filing cases, or buy a little house somewhere with a pretty view so I can watch the sunset every evening. I can put this nasty business from the Ministry behind me and forget it ever happened; however, a little voice in my head is nagging me about abandoning my responsibilities to the community.

I have always had a habit of jumping into the middle of a situation no matter what the consequences might be. I was not worried the day I stole that file from the office with the incriminating invoices. I didn't care about me, because what Dolores was doing was stealing hard earned money to line the pockets of Fudge and Malfoy. Don't get me wrong, I am quite sure Dolores took her cut.

I sent out the profile letters knowing Dolores would find out, and I would pay dearly for it. My friends had to be warned about how dangerous she really is to the school. I know what makes Dolores tick, and this knowledge was hard won. I don't want to die with a dirty conscience, because I knew how to put an end to Dolores's little reign of terror.

I am afraid I will pick up a paper to find Dolores has decided to put werewolves down like some hopelessly wounded animal. I live in fear of a comeback of Voldemort to a community unable to defend themselves or Muggles because of Dolores's idea of a proper education. I could keep up my part in Muggle Studies to remind the students they hold a huge responsibility in the world that extends beyond the confines of the school or Diagon Alley.

I don't want to be a martyr for the cause, but I just want to die with a clean conscience. I don't want a statue put up in my honor, a holiday in my name, or an Order of Merlin. I just want to leave the world with the knowledge that I did everything I possibly could for the children of the school, the teachers, my parents, and friends. I have decided to throw my plans for a quiet repose in the sunset waiting for the inevitable to the winds. I will answer with a "yes" to Dumbledore's letter.