Rumored Nervous Breakdown

The past few days have been spent in a blur, and it is obvious that the medication has been changed. But, I feel worse. Even the attempt at eating a meal is too much, and I nod off after a few bites. Any movement I make causes my heart to hammer out of control, and I feel very dizzy.

This morning, I hear Copperbottom come in; however, I do not respond when he calls my name. I want to say something, but it takes too much effort to open my eyes. I hear him stomp out of the room in disgust after he takes the morning vitals.

"I'll bet Severus would be getting a kick out of watching me lie here speechless. He has always tried to get in the last word. For once, he is going to win."

I try to fight off sleep, but I give in. I smell stale rose perfume, and I know the nightmare in pink will be in my face the second I open my eyes. I have no idea what she is doing here.

"Eleanor, it's me, Dolores."

I don't bother opening my eyes. I hear another voice say, "Nell, your friend is here to visit, and I think this would be a good time to discuss your relationship."

I really want to fire something back at the "Princess in Pink," but I cannot come up with a cheeky remark or a scathing insult. I settle for opening my eyes and glaring at her.

"I have really missed you, Eleanor," Dolores says in that sickening high pitched tone.

"Shut up," I manage to mumble. Then I bark out, "Go away."

Bulstrode sits on the bed, strokes my head and says, "This anger will not help, dear. Why are you so angry? Let's sit you up and discuss this like adults," she tells me.

I am propped up on some pillows, and I seem to be finding a bit of strength. "She put me in here to shut me up. I don't want to speak with her."

"Eleanor, you should not have told those lies about the funding. I just want to do what is best. I am saving you from yourself," Dolores says.

"They are not lies. How long has Fudge been in Malfoy's pocket?" I ask, realizing I am treading on thin ice. "I wonder how far Percy has been sucked into this cesspool."

"Eleanor, this is not true. There is no theft, bribery, or official corruption; this is something that your mind came up with during your breakdown last year." She is now pacing the room looking uncomfortable. "Where's your proof? If this is true, you need to give me the evidence so I can help you. What can I do to help you?" Dolores asks.

"I would rather look crazy than answer that question. What a lame thing to ask."

"Nell, you are projecting the result of your anxiety on to someone else," Bulstrode says.

I can feel my pulse suddenly shoot up, I can't breathe, there is a sickening feeling of dizziness, and the world seems to turn upside down. I feel like a vacuum is sucking the reality of the room. I can hear Bulstrode force Dolores to leave the room, someone calling my name, and everything is growing dark.

"What kind of rubbish did you bring me?" Bulstrode whispers, while taking my pulse. I notice a wet cloth is now draped across my forehead.

"My supplier said this would improve on its potency," Dolores says meekly. "He did not have the 'exact' potion you wanted, so he came up with a substitute."

"Where are the other medications you were to bring me over a week ago?" Bulstrode asks. "Copperbottom says that her heart is constantly racing out of control. She could have a heart attack at any moment. That little episode in there was only a warning of things to come."

"Like I said, he does not have the exact one you want. He has to make a substitute," Dolores says.

"Are you trying to help her get better, or are you trying to kill her? I am beginning to see where she gets her anger from." I can hear Bulstrode tapping her foot impatiently.

"A little slow on the uptake, Bulstrode, but you get there eventually."

"This ward is not meant to house a person needing around-the-clock medical care, Dolores. She cannot stay here forever. I read the article in the paper about the law suit. Her family thinks she is dead, and there is an executor settling her will. They have stopped looking for her. Dolores, you will have to find a residential setting within the next two weeks." I feel Bulstrode wiping my face with a wet cloth.

"I need more time, Augusta. It has been very busy lately," Dolores whines.

"Dolores, I have received a subpoena to give expert testimony about the mindset of a suicidal person by Nell's lawyers; I find myself having ethical concerns. You have two weeks," Bulstrode says, and moves away from the bed.

I have no idea how long I have been sleeping since Dolores left. I find myself feeling worse by the moment, and I could care less where Dolores sends me, because I know I probably won't live to get there.

I have noticed that Copperbottom is sitting in the chair next to the bed every time I wake up. I realize that he might actually care about me. The door opens slowly and I hear, "How is she doing?"

I hear Copperbottom reply, "I don't see any improvement. In fact, I would say getting worse."

"Dolores has found a new supplier for the potions, and he has access to the actual ingredients that are needed. I was beginning to get worried about Dolores's feelings toward Nell's best interests." Bulstrode has now moved to the bed, and I feel her holding my hand. "He will be coming down this afternoon. He wants to look in on her in person and see her chart."

"You don't have her consent," Copperbottom says.

"First, she is in no shape to make decisions. Second, I must remind you she has been declared legally dead. Dead people cannot give consent."

There is a soft knock at the door, and Dolores's perfume permeates the sterile atmosphere of the room.

"I just came in to check up on her and discuss what we are going to do with her. Keeping her a secret is becoming too complicated. I would hate for anyone to go to prison for harboring a criminal."

"A little blackmail never hurts, Dolores. All you have to do is say you saw me here; she will be the one in Azkaban, not me."

"Dolores, why did you wait to get someone who is qualified to make her medication?" Bulstrode asks.

"I wanted to make sure he could be trusted to keep this quiet. He knows her quite well, and I was concerned he may not want to cooperate with this," she replies. "He is associated with several others who care deeply about her."

I can smell Dolores's perfume getting stronger, and I realize she is standing next to the bed. I can feel the mattress sink as she sits next to me.

"I just cannot stand to see my close friend suffer like this. I am so sorry, dear. I just hate to see you go to prison. I have to find some other way to handle this situation. I had no idea to the lengths some people would go to find you," she says, patting me on the hand.

I feel the room pitching left and right, my heart pounds hard in a funny rhythm, and I cannot seem to hang on to reality. I can hear frantic movements and the sudden movement of the mattress. I just don't care about trying to make the effort to breathe.

I realize there are people around me, and I hear a voice I have not heard in a long time. I think I owe Severus an apology. I should have known he takes too much pride in his work to botch a potion. I doubt if he would use "substitutes" when he has access to anything he wants at the school.

"Well, I can't believe it's the missing teacher everyone has been looking for. You have Lupin 'chasing his tail' over your disappearance. I was prepared to believe you had finally fallen off the deep end. I should have known better. Your memorial service at the school put quite a damper on the holidays." I can hear him moving around the room as he is speaking to me.

"Here is what we have been giving her. I asked Madam Umbridge to change the original formula, because it left her sleepy and incoherent. This is what she brought back. The first time she passed out, Nell was in the middle of a discussion, her eyes rolled up in her head, and she stopped breathing for a minute. This morning it happened again, but her heart stopped for several minutes. I didn't think I would ever get it to start beating again," Bulstrode says with worry in her voice.

"This isn't even fit to poison a rat. I am surprised she is still here and not in the morgue with Bode downstairs," he says. "Leave it to that idiot in Diagon Alley to brew this rubbish. I surprised he has not been run out of business." I can hear clinking of glass from a corner of the room.

I can feel myself being pulled into a sitting position. Someone puts something up to my mouth, and I decide I have no choice by to drink it.

"Bulstrode, why don't you go to get yourself something from the tea shop? I would like to sit with Eleanor for a while so I can watch her for any adverse reactions," he tells Bulstrode. A moment later I hear the door close quietly.

"I can't wait to hear the guilt trip he is going to put on me."

I feel his fingers on my neck checking for a pulse as he says, "Still very irregular." There is the scraping of the chair on the floor. "Your suicide was quite an event in the Wizarding World. Dumbledore nearly had the school torn apart looking for you. He had Filch pulling up the floorboards in some of the rooms, the bottom of the lake was searched, and he even organized a search in the forest. Did you know Flitwick found your wand under a dresser? It nearly broke everyone's heart when Hagrid found that note and watch outside the front gates. Minerva spent the night in the Hospital Wing after she had to identify the handwriting for the investigator. Oddly enough, I felt sorry for you, because it is so pathetic for a Gryffindor to do something so cowardly."

He has stopped talking for a while, and I can feel the weight of his gaze on my body. Before I start to drift off, he starts speaking to me again by saying, "I cannot believe how much energy Lupin has put into this useless court case. I think there are more pressing things to occupy his time. It is rather clever to file suit against the school; however, your lawyers have been making the staff miserable with all these questions about your attacks of melancholy. The depositions about your attempt in November were the most irritating, because they want every detail about what happened that morning. I think you would find that there are new changes with the administration in the school. Dolores is now everywhere, and she has crushed any sense of self esteem Trelawney might have ever had. The misty-eyed fool has been nicking the cooking sherry from the kitchens for weeks. She should be here next to you."

I cannot keep concentrating any longer, and I just let sleep steal any sense of reality. Every once and a while I will wake up, but the effort is too much. There is nothing but darkness, confusion, and pain. I hear small bits of conversation, but I cannot concentrate long enough to figure out who is speaking. I feel the sensation of my body being moved several times, but when I attempt to move to orient myself, I feel like I have just been hit over the head; this stifles my curiosity.

Someone has shaken me in the shoulder to get my attention, and I wonder what they want from me. "What is your name, Miss?" someone asks me. I mumble out a response, and I fall back into confusion again. I keep sensing people around me; however, I find this confusing, because it is normally very quiet at St. Mungo's.

I am startled when someone brushes my forehead with a hand, and says, "Yes, that's her." I could swear that is Remus's voice. "We have been looking for you everywhere."

"She just appeared in the Emergency Room several days ago. No one is quite sure how she got here, or who she was. We had a flyer sent out by the police around Christmas concerning someone fitting her description so we contacted the authorities," a male voice explains. "I am sorry, Mr. Lupin, I was only able to give you a few minutes to see her. I doubt if she will be able to talk to you for a while. You can come back around three o'clock to visit again."

I want desperately to say something, but I cannot make my mouth work. I hope this is no hallucination. I just wonder what game Dolores is playing now. I realize there is little I can do to help myself right now, and I give into the urge to sleep.

Voices in the room are waking me up a bit, and one of them seems a little upset. I open my eyes to see Mum, Dad, and Remus standing at the foot of the bed deep in discussion about me. They do not notice I am awake. I feel a bit disoriented by the beeping of a monitor behind my head and discovering I have sprouted plastic from every orifice imaginable. My body feels like it is filled with concrete.

"Remus, I don't want anyone from the school or the Ministry visiting her at this hospital. They left my daughter out on the street in the middle of winter like a common vagrant," she says, and sniffles into a tissue. "They did not check the all the hospitals. We only found her, because you suggested a call the police. The Ministry investigator found the note and closed the case that day. The Muggle police keep the case open until a body was produced. Where is the justice in that?" Mum asks with anger.

The door opens slowly as someone has come in to check on me. "I'm sorry, but the police are downstairs to talk to a family member so they can close the case and send out a bulletin that Eleanor has been found." I have heard her voice several times, but I have never seen her face.

I hear Remus whisper, "I forgot that we would need to speak with the Muggle authorities about this."

"I'll go down and deal with it. You can stay with Vivian, because I think she is too upset to deal with anyone rationally right now," I hear my father say.

Remus suddenly realizes I am awake when the doctor starts questioning me in a loud voice. I am really frustrated, because my mouth seems too lazy to work.

"Eleanor, do you know where you are?" she asks, and I shake my head. I haven't a clue where I am. "You are at St. Mark's hospital in London," she informs me. "Do you know how you got here?" she asks, and I shake my head again.

"I hate it when the medical professionals play Twenty Questions. If I knew how I got here, wouldn't I know where I am? I am floored to learn that I am in a Muggle hospital."

She seems to be on a roll with her inquiry into my cognitive ability. "Do you know what month it is?" she asks.

I haven't even thought about that one. I don't know the month, because I have no idea how long it has been since I was at Hogwarts. I shake my head again.

"Eleanor, it's January; Today is January 30th." she tells me, shining a light painfully into my eyes.

I have been missing over a month. What does my family think about me now? Do they think I ran away for some reason or had a breakdown? I am so frightened that they will be angry with me.

"Why don't you go and talk to Eleanor. She is very disoriented from the sedation, but it will help her feel better. You can touch her, but just mind the wires. I am sorry I can only give you ten more minutes. The hours for the ICU ward are posted outside so you can decide when you want to come and visit," the doctor says to Mum, and exits the room leaving the three of us alone.

Mum walks over to the bed and strokes my hair like she did when I was a child. "I thought I had lost you forever," she says quietly. "I won't let anything take you away from me again."

"Nell, do you know who I am?" Remus asks. I nod my head.

"What a stupid question. How could I ever forget you?"

"Do you remember leaving the school before the holidays?" he asks, as I shake my head.

He takes a deep sigh before taking my hand. "Nell, what happened to you?" he asks rhetorically.

I finally feel safe in the company of my friend and parents. I find myself dropping off to sleep, but I can hear Mum's voice again.

"Remus, what did the hospital say about there being anything on the cameras covering the door to the Emergency Room?" Mum asks in a whisper. "I was hoping I could see how she came through the door. Did she wander in somehow, or did someone dump her here from the street?"

"They said it had quit working shortly before she was found," Remus says quietly. "The administration said that Nell came in with clean clothing and groomed, but she could not talk to them coherently. A nurse found her slumped against a wall near the reception desk."

I hear the door open again to tell my visitors that their time is up, and I need my rest. I don't want them to leave me again. What if they are angry with me? Will they leave me and never return? I almost feel ashamed of being found, because there will be a thousand theories on what happened to me. I cannot go through the same thing that happened in November. I refuse to be called a liar again.