If You Are Ready?

IF YOU ARE READY?

"Severus," said Dumbledore, turning to Snape, "you know what I must ask you to do. If you are ready.... If you are prepared..."

"I am," said Snape.

(Goblet of fire, Ch.36, p619.)

It was dark in the dungeons, the warmth and light of the early summer evening outside did not penetrate to these depths under the school. The light from the small lanterns in the wall sconces gave off a feeble light which was squashed by the weight of the all pervasive darkness.

The darkness was so heavy it even seemed to dull the sound of Severus Snape's boots as he made his way down to his private chambers. His heart was heavier than the darkness. For thirteen years he had prayed this day would not come, but it was finally here.

When he reached his private sitting room he sank into the leather chair behind his writing desk and put his head down in his hands. Could he do what was asked of him? Did he have the courage and conviction to face the inevitable pain and suffering - the risk of death itself? Did he even have anything left to lose?

Would it matter if he paid the ultimate price?

As a young man the prospect of power and knowledge, beyond that of other men had seemed exciting. The service of the Dark Lord held so much promise for the young ambitious Severus Snape. So he had followed Lord Voldemort, confident in the belief that this was the wisest course. In doing so he had lost everything - his ideals, his youth, his love, and his innocence.

He had done all that was asked of him without question. But as time went by and he saw innocent people suffer because of his actions, the questions started. Why did it have to be done this way? If the cause was right and just then why did it have to be achieved by killing and treachery? Why was this battle of virtues fought with such foul means? Surely there must be other ways to win......

And slowly but surely, he lost his faith. He lost his faith in the cause for which he was fighting and his faith in the intrinsic goodness of all human beings. He lost his ability to trust in the people around him. It was a time and place where betrayal for personal gain was common. Soon he found that there was no-one left to trust.

He lost hope. How could his hope for a better future survive such pain and suffering? He lost the ability to love. Although it could rather be said he lost the ability to express feelings of love. A hard shell had developed around his soul.

When he had finally turned away from the dark - heartbroken, all faith and hope destroyed - he was asked to play the role of spy. He was asked to stand up for an ideology that had revealed it self to be perverted, another travesty and broken excuse for his hopes and dreams.

Then Voldemort was unexpectedly defeated, and he could only watch as others around him pieced their lives back together and carried on with hope for a brighter future. But for Severus Snape there was no bright future.

The scars were too deep. These were scars that could not be seen - (no highly visible lightening bolt, no!) - But deep, emotional scars that mangled and destroyed all of his attempts at normal human interaction. He reduced all personal interactions to the minimum. He would not - indeed - could not let anyone in.

He survived each day by pure routine. People relied on him to do his job and so he did. Some days were better than others, but they were rare like precious jewels. Thirteen years had passed and he was still dying inside from the after effects of the roles that he had played as a Death Eater, a betrayer and a spy.

Severus had always known that Voldemort could return. The only passion left in his life was the determination to be prepared for that day if it should come, and to do whatever was in his power to delay it.

Now that day was here, and the plan that he had devised and refined over the years with Dumbledore's assistance and approval would need to be brought into operation. It was a dangerous undertaking, but due to his unique background he was the only one capable of the attempt. He knew there were other plans and several back up options if he failed, but he was not going to fail.

"If you are ready?"

He was as ready as he was ever going to be. Severus was convinced that Voldemort had to be totally destroyed this time, and he had placed himself in a prime position to help achieve that end. He had already wagered and lost more than he could afford thirteen years ago. Nothing mattered this time around. He had nothing left to lose.