A Transcript From Wizard Radio

A TRANSCRIPT FROM WIZARD RADIO

[The closing notes of The Weird Sisters famous tune "The Azkaban Blues" can be heard fading away]

ANNOUNCER: This is WWN, The Wizarding Wireless Network.

BAGMAN: Hello and welcome to Witch Writer, the longest running series on wizard radio. The regular host Omar Onrobonob is on holiday so I'll be filling in, my name is Ludo Bagman. Today it is my pleasure to have in our studios Arabella Figg and she is of course the author of the hugely popular series of Martin Miggs books. Her first novel "Martin Miggs The Mad Muggle" burst upon the literary scene three yeas ago and quickly went to number 1 on the wizard best selling list, and even today it is number 4, beaten only by her other 3 books, "Martin Miggs And The Internet", "Martin Miggs And The Rise Of The NASDAQ" and

"Martin Miggs And The Tax Audit". The last book has been criticized by some as being too dark and frightening for younger readers. Nevertheless with only 4 books written in a planed 7 part series she is already the best selling witch in history. Mrs. Figg how did you come up with the idea for Martin?

FIGG: I was on the train to Hogwarts to confer with my boss when out of the blue I pictured a brilliant Muggle boy who could do no magic but could do things even more amazing just by using his wits. For 7 years my job only kept me really busy for 2 month in the summer so I had plenty of time to write.

BAGMAN: And an interesting job you had too! I want to go into that a little later but first my two kids made me promise to ask you if Martin will go bankrupt at the end of book 7?

FIGG:[laughing] Now you didn't expect me to tell you that did you?

BAGMAN: Ah, no, I suppose not, but there is a scene in the last book where one of the characters suffers a horrifying bankruptcy; people love Martin and are worried the same thing will happen to him. After all, the stock in Martin's "NASDAQ" company is way down and he's been having all that trouble with "accounts receivable". I hope I pronounced those words correctly.

FIGG: Yes you did. Children always ask about the company's "cash flow" and "price earnings ratio" and if Martin's best friend John will betray him and join forces with the evil Taxman. I'm flattered they care so much about one of my fictional characters but they'll just have to wait and see.

BAGMAN: For me the most beautiful and delightful thing in the books was your invention of the "Internet", I found the chapter on TCP/IP packet exchange authorization and nonlinear error correcting codes and protocols absolutely charming!

FIGG: That and the chapter about the CMOS Epitaxial Semiconductor Foundry are the chapters children seem to enjoy the most.

BAGMAN: Yes, and you describe it so exquisitely, so poetically, that I almost started to feel that this fantasy world could actually exist.

FIGG: Well that's the trick in writing fantasy isn't it; you've got to make it seem real. I just got to thinking how people could communicate if they couldn't use owls or even do the simplest magic, and then I just let my imagination run wild.

BAGMAN: I've heard a rumor that a movie is going to be made of the first book; is that true?

FIGG: I'm happy to say it is true, the film should come out sometime next year. As a matter of fact I just found out today that the lead has been cast, actor Draco Malfoy will play the part of Martin.

BAGMAN: Draco Malfoy, hmm, the name is vaguely familiar but I can't quite place him.

FIGG: Draco Malfoy graduated from Hogwarts more than a decade ago but due to an unfortunate accident in a unsuccessful attempt to make another Philosopher's stone he looks like he's about 12. He's probably best known for the work he did in the seven part historical mini series 'The Harry Potter Story'; he played the part of Dobby.

BAGMAN: Oh yes, I remember him now and Mr. Malfoy did a excellent job, very realistic, unlike that fellow who played me, what a terrible actor he was! I can't imagine why he got an acting award, I mean from that performance anybody who didn't know the real me might almost think I was a loud insensitive brainless git. Are you alright?

FIGG: [choking] Sorry. [coughing] I must be getting [gasping] a, ah, cold [wheezing] or something.

BAGMAN: We'll pause now to let you catch your breath and to hear a word from our sponsor, but when we come back I want to ask about your job which was as fascinating as anything in your books. We'll be right back.

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[The sounds of The Quidditch world cup can be heard in the background]

ED: Wow, did you see that Ted? Victor Krum almost got hit in the head with a Bludger!

TED: I sure did Ed, but with my new Hofstadter brand Subjunctive Spyscope I also saw what would have happened if the Bludger had hit him. My Subjunctive Spyscope can show me what the present would be like if things were different; I know what the game would have been like if it had been raining, or snowing, or what would have happened if Krum were playing Quidditch in a wedding dress. It's fun to see how small apparently unrelated events can change things; you should see what that last play would be like if Schubert had finished his unfinished symphony more than a century ago! I even saw what the game would have been like if iron floated or if 2+2=5 or if a rolling stone did gather moss.

ED: Wow, my Omnioculars can't do that!

TED: And I don't just use it for Quidditch, a Subjunctive Spyscope is great fun at parties. Last night I used it to see what things would look like if I'd married my old girlfriend Susan Piccolo when I was 19 instead of my wife.

ED: Wow, a Subjunctive Spyscope must be expensive!

TED: I couldn't fail to disagree with you less ED! A Subjunctive Spyscope cost just 15 Galleons, that's not much more than what Omnioculars cost, and they do so much more.

ED: Wow, where can I buy a Subjunctive Spyscope?

TED: You can buy a Subjunctive Spyscope and other fine Hofstadter products at Weasley's Wizard Wheezes.

ED: Wow, I'm going to buy a Hofstadter Subjunctive Spyscope at Weasley's Wizard Wheezes today!

TED: You'll be glad you did!

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BAGMAN: We're back; I'm talking to author Arabella Figg. I say author but in addition to your enormous success as a writer you've had an entire other life that I think is even more important. I believe "You Know Who" would be alive and in power today if you hadn't insured that the only force that could defeat him was available when mature. I refer of course to the unique part you played for 16 years in the pro

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SKEETER: We interrupt this program for a special report; I'm Rita Skeeter Special Correspondent for WWN. All charges of antitrust violation and monopolization of the joke business made against Weasley Industries have just been dismissed by a magical court of justice. Weasley Industries is the parent company of Weasley's Wizard Wheezes the phenomenally successful chain of joke shops that has made Fred and George Weasley the two richest wizards in the world. The brothers opened one tiny shop in Hogsmeade less than 10 years ago and their growth has been nothing less than astonishing. Today they dominate, some say monopolize, the entire joke industry.

Neville Longbottom the head of the antitrust division of the department of magic had accused Weasley Industries with anti competitive practices; let's play the tape of Minster Longbottom from last year when the charges were filed:

LONGBOTTOM: The Weasley brothers have engaged in predatory pricing and other unfair monopolistic practices. Every jokester feels that having a good supply of Canary Creams and Ton Tongue Toffee is absolutely essential, so in it must be admitted brilliant marketing move, the Weasley brothers started to gave away Whoopee Cushions and Plastic Vomit with each purchase. Independent producers like International Whoopee Cushion and Asia Pacific Plastic Vomit just could not compete with a tie in with fundamental products that every prankster is virtually forced to buy. Their main retail competitor, Zonkos joke shop, tried to counter with Peanut Parrots and Big Tongue Gum but the Weasley brothers successfully sued Zonkos for patent infringement and Zonkos was forced to file for bankruptcy, leaving the brothers virtually the only remaining force in this very important sector of our economy.

SKEETER: The ministry had tried to force Weasley Industries to split into two companies that would compete with each other but the Weasley brothers denied any wrongdoing, here is what Fred Weasley said about the charges:

FRED WEASLEY: From the beginning all my brother and I have tried to do is make a funny product that a jokester can afford. We think it's a pity Minister Longbottom does not understand this but we look forward to proving it in a court of law.

SKEETER: Apparently they have proved it to the satisfaction of the court. This stunning defeat of The Ministry Of Magic does not come as a total surprise to keen courtroom observers such as your humble reporter. Neville Longbottom conducted an inept unfocused prosecution, he was unable to concentrate and at times almost seemed afraid of the Weasley Industries chief defense council. Most were puzzled when Severus Snape resigned from Hogwarts and the Weasley brothers made him the vice president of their company and put him in charge of their defense, at the time this is all George Weasley would say about it:

GEORGE WEASLEY: My brother and I have known Severus for many years and feel he can make a unique contribution to our management team at this important moment in our company's history.

SKEETER: Nobody could have predicted what a masterful job Mr. Snape would end up doing or that the prosecution would collapse at just the same time. It seems probable that the Weasley brothers, already the richest wizards on earth, will soon become even richer. I'll have more analysis on this developing story at the top of the hour. We now return you to Witch Writer, in progress.

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ragedy but I'm sure he wouldn't want us to dwell on that, life goes on.

BAGMAN: Fascinating! I believe that's the first time all those details have ever been made public. But let me get back to your life as a author, and I'm sure you're asked this all the time but did some of your inspiration for Martin Miggs came from the life of Harry Potter, particularly at the very end when Harry [show theme music starts to fade in] Oh I'm sorry, my producer tells me we're out of time, we'll have to invite you to continue this on another show. Thank you for being on Witch Writer.

FIGG: Thank you, and thanks for not asking if Martin Miggs glamorizes un-wizarding values.

BAGMAN: [laughs] Some things are just too silly to discuss. Next week Omar will be back, his guest will be Poppy Pomfrey and they'll be talking about bubotuber pus. Goodnight.

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DJ: Ok you wacky wizards and wild witches it's time to hear this weeks number one hit in the entire magical musical world, it's Lee Jordan with "I cursed the Auror, But I Didn't Kill The Deputy Too".