An Alternate Ending for Book Two

AN ALTERNATE ENDING FOR BOOK 2

ANNOUNCER: Dark Wizard Tom Riddle is suing student Harry Potter over the loss of a snake and a diary. Mr. Potter is counter suing for harassment.

BAILIFF: Order in the court, all rise. Your honor this is case number 198 on the calendar in the matter of Riddle versus Potter. The parties have been sworn in Judge.

JUDGE JUDY: Thank you Burt.

BAILIFF: You may be seated.

JUDGE JUDY: Ok we'll start with you Mr. Riddle, tell me what happened.

RIDDLE: Thank you your honor but I prefer to go by the name Lord Voldemort.

JUDGE JUDY: Lord Voldemort, what kind of name is that, did you have it legally changed?

RIDDLE: Yes I think so.

JUDGE JUDY: You think so? Let me see your wallet, come on, bring it up here. [pause] Mr. Riddle, your library card, drivers license, and credit cards to Starbucks and "Bed Bath and Beyond" are all in the name of Tom Riddle, if that is no longer your legal name then these cards all invalid. So I'll just destroy them shall I?

RIDDLE: NO!

JUDGE JUDY: OK, I'm glad we got that cleared up, but I hate it when people lie to me! I'm very smart so don't pee on my shoes and tell me it's raining. Do you understand? [handing the wallet back to Riddle] If you want your friends to call you Lord Voldemort that's your business, but legally you're Tom Riddle. Continue, tell me what happened.

RIDDLE: Well the defendant, Mr. Potter he

JUDGE JUDY: Mr. Riddle get your hands out of your pockets and stand up straight, is that gum you're chewing, get rid of it. You're in a court of law now you're not at the beach.

RIDDLE: Yes, sorry your honor, ah, there is this place called the Chamber of Secrets that was built by a wizard named Slytherin and I am the only descendent of Slytherin so the place is mine and

JUDGE JUDY: Hold on a minute, Mr. Potter do you dispute any of this so far?

POTTER: No your honor, he is the Heir of Slytherin.

JUDGE JUDY: OK, continue.

RIDDLE: Well Mr. Potter was trespassing, I never invited him into my chamber, and he killed my pet snake Mr. Wiggles for no reason.

POTTER: You're lying, that snake nearly killed me!

RIDDLE: No you're lying! Mr. Wiggles wouldn't hurt a fly!

JUDGE JUDY: Talk to me not each other. Mr. Potter you acknowledge that you killed the snake but claim self defense, is that correct?

POTTER: Yes your honor, it bit me on the arm really bad, I thought I was going to die.

JUDGE JUDY: Show me the wound.

Potter: Ah, actually there is no wound.

JUDGE JUDY: Why not?

POTTER: Well there was a wound but then a Phoenix swept down, that's sort of a large beautiful magical bird that bursts into flames and is reborn from the ashes, anyway it landed on my knee and started to cry, and the bird's tears fell on the wound [pause] and then it sort of healed it [pause] it healed the wound somehow, [pause] it gave me a sword and a pointy hat too [pause] it was silver [pause] the sword not the hat [pause] so that's what happened, [pause] really [pause] and that's all.

[long uncomfortable silence in the courtroom]

JUDGE JUDY: Mr. Potter look at me, go ahead look at me, is the word "stupid" written on my forehead?

POTTER: What?

JUDGE JUDY: Is-The-Word-"Stupid"-Written-On-My-Forehead?

POTTER: No.

JUDGE JUDY: Correct, it is not! That's the silliest story I ever heard.

POTTER: It's true.

JUDGE JUDY: Baloney! What were you doing wandering around uninvited on another person's property anyway?

POTTER: I was trying to rescue Ginny Weasley, the plaintiff kidnapped her.

JUDGE JUDY: Stop shaking your head Mr. Riddle. Mr. Potter why isn't Ginny Weasley in my courtroom?

POTTER: She wanted to be but unfortunately her Defense Against The Dark Arts final exam is today, but she did write a letter confirming all

JUDGE JUDY: A letter is not a witness and is not admissible to a court of law. Mr. Riddle, how much was the snake worth?

RIDDLE: He was priceless, there were only three in the entire world that

JUDGE JUDY: Priceless is not an answer, I need a figure, I can't give you a priceless settlement.

RIDDLE: I do have a bill of sale but

JUDGE JUDY: Let me see it. [Pause] According to this the snake was bought for only 5 Galleons.

RIDDLE: Yes but that was a long time ago, he was just a baby smaller than my finger, he was worth far more than that by the time he was killed by the defendant. And technically Mr. Wiggles was not even a snake he was a basilisk.

JUDGE JUDY: Whatever. Do you have an estimate of its worth from an expert in exotic animals?

RIDDLE: Yes your honor I do but I forgot to bring it, it's at home.

JUDGE JUDY: And I'll bet the dog ate your homework too. Mr. Riddle that estimate does me no good if it's at home. When you come to court you need to come prepared and you don't get points for being dumb. Now what's this about a diary?

RIDDLE: The defendant destroyed this very important diary.

JUDGE JUDY: Let me see. [Pause] Yuck! You've got to be kidding me, even before it was damaged this thing was dime store quality, my court does not deal in trivialities.

RIDDLE: It's not the book itself it's the content of the diary that was valuable.

JUDGE JUDY: Did you have a copyright on the contents?

RIDDLE: I believe it is copyrighted but not by me, you see there is this lady In England who

JUDGE JUDY: If you don't own the copyright you can't collect damages for the destruction of

RIDDLE: But your honor

JUDGE JUDY: I AM SPEAKING! You can tell I'm speaking when you see my lips move and you don't interrupt when I am speaking. Now if this English person chooses to sue Mr. Potter I'd be willing to reconsider the matter but it's irrelevant in this case. Mr. Potter you're counter suing Mr. Riddle for harassment, what's that about?

POTTER: He killed my parents, he makes my scar hurt, he killed Neville's parents, he

RIDDLE: Neville's parents aren't dead they're just

POTTER: They might as well be, they're

JUDGE JUDY: QUIET! I don't want to hear any more of this childish bickering about who killed who and why. Grow up, both of you. [Pause] Now Mr. Potter, this alleged incident with your parents happened more than 10 years ago, why are you suing now?

POTTER: I don't know, I guess because he's suing me.

JUDGE JUDY: That's what I thought. Mr. Potter the law says that if you're going to sue somebody you must do so in a timely manner and 10 years is not timely. Do you understand? And I'm very sorry your injury hurts you from time to time but how is that his fault?

POTTER: He makes it hurt, I don't know how but he does.

JUDGE JUDY: Do you have any proof?

POTTER: Not exactly.

JUDGE JUDY: I've heard enough. Judgement for the plaintiff in the amount of 5 Galleons, your countersuit is dismissed. That's all.

THE END