Exploding Into Existence

"Sirius, are you awake?"

"I am now," Sirius grumbled. "What is it?"

"C-can I sleep in your bed tonight?"

Sirius sighed. "Come on over here," he said. It had been quite a while since Sirius' brother had last done this, but he understood. Tomorrow he would be leaving for Hogwarts.

He felt the bed dip next to him as Regulus climbed into it and snuggled under the covers. He sensed his brother's eyes on him and Regulus did not turn away, so Sirius was forced to acknowledge him.

"What is it?" he asked, turning on his side to face the other.

Regulus shrugged and several moments passed before he spoke, "I just..." he searched for the right words. "It's going to be boring here without you. Who will cause mayhem? Kreacher?"

"Aww, you're going to miss me?" Sirius teased lovingly. Then in a less joking manner he said, "I'm going to miss you too, Reg. But I'll see you at Christmas. And in two years you'll be going to Hogwarts."

"That's ages away! What the hell am I going to do around here for two whole years? I'm not trouble seeking like you are, I'm too sensible for that!"

Sirius laughed. "Would it make you feel better if I say I'll write to you every week?"

"No, it'll make me feel better if you do write to me every week, instead of just saying you will."

Silence followed these words. Sirius appreciated it and was about to drift off to sleep again, when Regulus said, "Will you be staying with Cissy and Andy?"

Sirius answered him groggily, "Not in the same room, obviously. We'll share common rooms, that is, if I am Sorted into their House."

"Slytherin, don't think I don't know that. And everyone in the family's been in it."

"Maybe I won't be."

"Don't even joke about that, you're a Black, of course you will be. Blacks are Slytherins, it's not debatable," Regulus said as if it was an equation.

These words made bubbles form in Sirius' stomach that he didn't share with his brother.

The fact was, he wasn't entirely sure he wanted to be in Slytherin. It sounded very much like Grimmauld Place: dark, foreboding, unpleasant. And Regulus' words made it sound as though he didn't have a choice. And Sirius didn't like that.

He'd never been allowed to make a decision before in his life; his mother had made every one. Hogwarts was supposed to symbolize a separation from the familiar. His mother could not pull his hair or curse him while he was at Hogwarts and she at the house, unable to Apparate onto the grounds. She would not be able to ensure her influence upon him.

It wasn't fair that he couldn't decide what House he was placed in. How was it a total separation from the familiar if he was made to go into the House his family liked? His cousins had told him about the Sorting Hat, and that it placed you according to your personality. Well it was hardly fair if it judged him by his family's personality and his own traits didn't enter into it!

Sirius decided he didn't care. He would not be a Slytherin, and if the stupid hat tried to make him, well, he just hoped Dumbledore wasn't too attached to it.

If being in a different House incurred the wrath of his family, then he would face the consequences. He was used to it anyway. But this was the one freedom they could not take away from him. They could steal every possession, every friend, every chance at fun, but they could not take away his thoughts. And with that power, they did not fully rule him. They did not completely own him, for he owned his thoughts! They could not crush him.

And then one of the happiest thoughts of Sirius' life hit him: Orion and Walburga Black, purebloods and second cousins, were not all-powerful. They were human.

"Sirius. Wake up, Sirius."

Sirius squinted at the other and groaned into his pillow. "Reg, I'd just gotten to sleep. For Merlin's sake, what is it?"

"I wanted to ask you something."

There was a drawn out pause before Sirius fully turned toward Regulus. "What?"

Regulus sat up, and in the dim light, Sirius could see him lick his lips nervously. "Sirius, sometimes I wonder...about you and our family..." Sirius, frustrated, resisted the urge to shake his brother or say 'spit it out already!' "Maybe I'm just being paranoid, but...sometimes I fear that you'll leave the family."

Fully awake now, Sirius sat up. "Why would you think that, Reggie? I don't--I don't even know what you mean by that."

Regulus bit his lip. "I don't know, I just get this feeling...I know it's stupid...I--I just start to think that you'll get new friends...grow apart, and leave me."

His brother gave a barely perceptible intake of breath and Sirius knew Regulus hadn't intended to reveal that his fear was not for the family. He felt a greater affection for his brother well up in his chest. Sirius wanted his brother to have the privilege of feeling care and love where he himself could not. Sirius had long since resigned himself to a life of disdain and apathy from the world. He didn't want Regulus to have to do the same.

"Listen to me, Reg," he said, grasping his brother by the shoulders. "I will never, ever, leave you. Even when we're grown up and married, I will still be there. You're my brother, Reg. I don't know what I'd do without you."

Sirius stared into Regulus' eyes, willing him to understand, until at last he received a nod, and relinquished his grip on his brother's arms. "Now, enough of this girly emotional talk," he said, grinning. "Let's please sleep, I'm exhausted." He snuggled into his pillow and fell into a silent sleep, unaware of his brother's anxiety or insomnia. Regulus kept a vigil over him until the first streaks of dawn painted the sky. Only once did a single tear roll down his cheek.