Exploding Into Existence

"Sirius, you look like a girl!" Andromeda exclaimed.

"Of course, silly, that's what I meant to do." Sirius had just turned eight this winter, and now had the attitude to prove it. His cousins had just seen him for the first time since the summer, because they were all attending Hogwarts now. Andromeda had voiced everyone's surprise at how much his hair had grown out.

Regulus was still five, as his birthday was not until late April. As all siblings do, he tried to be an exact copy of his older brother. His hair was longer, though not quite like Sirius', and he had become quite talkative. Instead of standing shyly behind Sirius, he was beside him, grinning broadly at his cousins.

Sirius, like all older siblings, was vexed rather than flattered by Regulus' actions. He was determined to stand out, and he couldn't do that if his little brother was copying him. So his hair was longer than Regulus' and he was attempting to stand in front of him. Unfortunately, Regulus had also copied his smile, to Sirius' absolute irritation.

"Well, we'll just have to fix that, won't we." Andromeda's eyes were smiling the way all eyes from the Black family did when about to cause trouble.

"What are you on?" Sirius recognized the mischievous eyes and was wary. He took an involuntary step backwards.

"Girls, let's make our cousins up," Andromeda said, drawing her wand. Her sisters caught on and raised their wands as well.

Sirius' eyes rounded like coins. He turned to his brother and grabbed his shoulders, "Girl stuff, Reggie!" he said in a horrified voice. "Run!"

And so they ran, screaming. "Impedimenta!" Bellatrix called, and they froze where they stood.

"To the attic!" Narcissa announced, leading the way. Her sisters followed, levitating the prepubescent boys in front of them.

Once in the attic, the door was magically locked, and the boys were allowed to stand.

"What are they--?" Regulus began to ask, but then Narcissa lifted a small frilled dress from a dusty trunk. "NOOOOOOO!" he screamed, and both boys fought to hide behind the other.

"Nooo! No! Noooo--!" Regulus' voice was abruptly cut off as Bellatrix performed the Silencing Charm.

Sirius' eyes widened again. Then, "You won't get me!" he shouted with a grin.

Before anyone could utter a spell, he had shot under an old cabinet that was tilted against a chair. He kept on the move through the family junk. He crawled, a small lump under a large carpet, and emerged on the other side only to be face-to-face with Narcissa. "Oh, bugger," he said.

"Sirius!" Andromeda exclaimed. "You shouldn't be using that kind of language!"

Sirius opened his mouth to respond, but Bellatrix used a Body Binding Jinx on him, having taken advantage of his distraction.

Ten minutes later, the two boys could have passed for young girls. Sirius twirled his dress fondly. "This isn't so bad," he said. "I feel free!"

Regulus was at war with his pink dress, and frowning at its refusal to separate from him. He desperately clawed at it, despite the fact that he only wore underpants aside from it, and females were present. Much as he had been taught to be proper, this felt like an exception.

The girls, whose ages were two years apart from each other, surveyed their work. At fifteen, Bellatrix had the most experience in the varying ways of fashion. She could tell that (beyond the dresses) her cousins would be quite attractive once they matured a bit. She sighed happily. "You two will easily marry the most beautiful pureblood women out there, I know it."

The boys grinned, although Sirius felt a funny twisting of his stomach that he couldn't explain. There was something he didn't like about that statement, but he hadn't an idea what it was.

That night, as Sirius did his ritual tucking Regulus into bed, the latter said, "Sirius, are you proud of our family?"

Sirius stared. What kind of question was that? "Yes," he said after a shocked pause.

"Oh," Regulus said, not sounding entirely convinced.

"Why do you ask?" Sirius had learned to recognize his brother's tone.

"Well it's just," the five-year-old struggled to find words to describe it; "you don't look like you like it."

"...Oh." What was he supposed to say to that? And what gave Regulus that idea? There was no such thing as not being proud of the family. A negative opinion of the Blacks couldn't possibly exist.

"You're not gonna leave me, are you?"

"What in the name of Samhain are you talking about?" Sirius asked bewilderedly.

"Promise you won't leave me?"

"How can I promise you when I have no idea what not to do?"

"Please," Regulus begged, sounding far beyond his five years. "Just promise me."

"Okay, okay," Sirius said, although he was absolutely lost. "I promise. Now go to sleep." He kissed his brother's forehead and departed.

They weren't allowed to go to the party downstairs. They had to sit in Sirius' room the entire night. But Sirius didn't mind. Parties were boring and his cousins were fun to play with.

He and Bellatrix, after dimming the lights, would tell scary stories that would frighten even Andromeda, who was the bravest person Sirius knew after Bella. Andy, Cissy and Reg would all hold each other in fright, trying not to scream too loudly as Sirius described savage beasts and Bella told of bloody battles. Both wore matching gleams in their eyes, delighting in the fear of their companions, until Bella would sneak up on Sirius and make him jump in fright. Then Sirius would try his hardest to be irritated at the others as they giggled at him, and would fail miserably.

Sirius danced with Andy like they had when they were younger, only this time they weren't confined by the strict rules of formality. They just barely clung to each other as they spun wildly in circles, making Cissa leap out of the way in fear of being trampled. Then he would begin tickling Regulus, and the others would join, until the tables were turned, and he was the one laughing frantically and gasping for breath.

As the hour grew late, Reggie would begin snoring on Narcissa's shoulder, while she too would lean on him. The other three would talk about anything, oftentimes life and ideals. Sirius would finally fall asleep with his head resting comfortably on Andy, with their quiet discussion as his lullaby.

Sirius awoke the following morning alone in his room with a headache, feeling slightly sad that his cousins were gone, his brother had returned to his own room, and that the happy camaraderie of the previous night had ended.

He dressed in no hurry and, with some slump in his step, headed for the dining room for breakfast. He sat between Regulus' chair and his father's, massaging his sore head with his knuckles. Headaches were rather regular occurrences for Sirius, but that didn't mean he had to like them.

The voice of Kreacher, the house elf, startled Sirius as it broke the silence, "Can Kreacher get anything for Master?"

Sirius wondered why Kreacher even offered any help to him. There was mutual dislike between the two. Sirius was often aggravated by Kreacher's tattling to his mother, and Kreacher expected every member of the household to have as much enthusiasm for serving Sirius' mother as he did.

"No thanks, Kreacher." I've kept a civil tongue, now you should too. Kreacher delighted in reminding Sirius of some of the things his mother had said to him when he had been bad. He seemed to think that he was doing his part in keeping Sirius in line.

"My Mistress says that Master disgraces the house of her fathers and she fears that he will become a rotten boy."

"Shut up, Kreacher," Sirius said, gripping the edges of his chair. The ache pounded a dull rhythm in his head and he blinked a few times to clear it. He didn't know what had brought Kreacher to this topic. He couldn't think of anything he'd done in the past few days that might have upset his mother.

"My Mistress says that Master is a little brat who is trying to break her heart." He could hear the grin through Kreacher's tone.

"Shut up, Kreacher!" How he wished that the stupid house elf would fall down the stairs and snap his stupid neck. Kreacher only took orders from Sirius' parents, so he knew he could provoke Sirius as much as he wanted and Sirius could do nothing about it. In fact, Sirius' mother encouraged this method, which she called "tough love". Sirius' fingernails were scraping tiny slivers from the edge of the wooden chair as he tried to ignore Kreacher.

"My Mistress says that Master is a curse upon the family and the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black would be better off without him."

There came a sudden scraping sound from the chair as Sirius stood up. He put his hands around the elf's neck. They were just big enough to fit all the way around. "I told you to shut your mouth!" he shouted.

"Sirius! What the bloody hell are you doing?" His mother had appeared in the dining room, a snarl on her face.

By this time, Sirius was shaking Kreacher, screaming, "Shut up! Shut up!" over and over again.

"Impedimenta!" As Sirius froze, Kreacher scurried away, laughing maliciously.

Walburga loomed over Sirius as he lay on the floor, immobile. Snuffles, whom he'd met when he was an infant, tried to resurface, but Sirius pushed him away. I'm too old for you, Snuffles. You're for babies. Meaning no offense to you, mate. Maybe I'll need you in the future.

Sirius gritted his teeth, but to his surprise, his mother kneeled down, and caressed his cheek with her hand. Sirius closed his eyes and nuzzled his face into her hand, a silent plea for more. His eyes snapped open, revealing hurt as she abruptly slapped him.

Her weapon. This was what she had been looking for. This was how she would control her son.

Walburga gently pushed a strand of hair out of his face and said in a near-whisper into his ear, "You think you deserve that? You think you deserve good treatment? You deserve nothing. You are nothing, until you believe what we believe." She ran her hand through his hair. "You want love? You have to earn it."

And she strode out of the room, leaving her son on the floor to conclude that he would never be good enough to be loved.