The Pureblood Diaries

Dear Diary,

MY LIFE IS OVER. Literally, it's over, I mean, my body's still here but I might as well be dead because my life IS OVER! Andromeda got a boyfriend. A BOYFRIEND! Boyfriend: (Noun) A boy who is a friend who asks for special favors...such as your virginity. I mean, this morning, a barn owl flew into the dining hall and landed on her plate. I was grossed out but my younger sister, Bella started prodding it with her fork (I think the owl was getting turned on, in fact). Come on, owls are horny enough as it is; they don't need my horrible little sis prodding them everywhere. My brother was surprised that someone would think Andromeda worthy of getting flowers so of course he asked Andy who it was. Andy just turned beet red and said that she would rather not say. Ha! She probably just bought them for herself or either that stupid little mudblood Ted Skunks, (Is that his name? Cause I'm not sure), who is in LUV with her gave it to her, I hate Ted Skunks, he looks like a bulldog and has the most offensive b.o in the world. Actually, I've never seen him and I've also never been close enough to smell him because if I was close enough to see him, I probably would have seen what he looks like. Duh. My logic is so0o0o0o0o0o awesome. And as I was saying, Andromeda doesn't need a boyfriend, I mean, she's just a bookworm who is more preoccupied with her homework then she is with her looks. Even Bella needs a boyfriend more then Andromeda, Bella needs someone to keep her mind of the stupid little schemes she thinks about everyday. But get this; Andromeda is butt ugly, ok? She does NOT look like a Black, she looks like, well, she looks like the Blacks that are a whole different species from us, the crazy ones that descended from our great Aunt, Looney Tunes. She does not have the traditional Black hair, which is dark brown. Come to think of it, either do I, oh well, at least my hair is the same color of the Malfoys. OMG! I look like a Malfoy too! Did my mum cheat on my dad with my boyfriend's dad, or granddad, or brother????? NO! Now my life is truly over! Incest, AGH! Incest! [Calming down] Now Narcissa, it might just be a strange coincidence. No, everyone else in your family has the same color hair yet there's you, who stands out with your sleek blonde locks. You look exactly like Lucius. Hee hee, I'm talking to myself, well, more like writing to myself. But same thing, really, I mean think about it, how can I be related to Lucius, I would my mum truly let me date him if she knew we were brothers and sisters. CRAP! The answer is yes! I just know it! Inbreeding causes squibs; they certainly don't want the Malfoy heir to be a squib now, do they? OH CRAP! My kid's gonna be a squid, I just know it! Oops, spelling error, he/she will be a squib, not a squid. Hmm, a squid baby, I wonder if having sex with the giant squid is possible. I have to ask Bella, she's currently trying to create a squid poison. Lucius is a jackass; btw, he wanted me to jump naked into the pond at Hogwarts. I'm not talking to him! EVER AGAIN! Oh, here's an owl from him! YAY! Fine, I admit it, I have no self control. Ooh, he invited me to spend the day with him, cool, well; I guess I'll be getting back to ya! Bye!

Dear Diary,

Sometimes I just hate my family, fine, I'm such a bad liar, MOST times, I hate my family. I mean look at today, the whole stupid family is driving me nuts! Literally, just today, Bella decided to light an elderly house elf on fire. She takes after our late aunt Elladora so much, it's freaky, I tell you. Wait, did I say she was our late aunt? I lied, she's still alive, in fact, she lives on the third landing, she's rotting away just as I write. All right, back to the whole lighting house elves on fire fiasco, I personally, have nothing against Misty, she has been there forever and now stupid Bella wants to practice this new spell she just learned and because we absolutely refuse to let her touch a single hair on our heads, she has nowhere to turn but to lesser beings. Get this, the spell is supposed to make your balls swell up. MISTY IS A DAMN FEMALE! When I informed Bella this, quite unpleasantly, in fact, she just grinned and said, 'That's why I wanna test it on her!' What is with Bella anyways???? Always buried in our schoolbooks, trying to find the most evil spells so she can scare people. I tell her that her looks scare everyone already, I thought that was pretty witty, but noooo, not my little sister had to think that was an insult and she just had to hex me. She's only 13, for god's sake, more then 4 years younger then me, but she knows so much more hexes and curses that everyone gets scared around her. But she's harmless really, if you don't get on her bad side, that is. Today, more flowers came for Andy, Mother is in hysterics, she is positive that it is Fran Parkinson, ugh, I CAN'T stand that boy. But according to mother, Fran would make a good match for plain looking Andy. Get this, he tucks his sweater into his robes instead of out like everyone else and speaks with that stupid Russian accent that he just can't seem to lose even thought HE WAS BORN IN THIS COUNTRY. What's the worst part of all? He sneezes into people's foods...[shudders], which bring back memories I wish I didn't have. But an Andy just smile in that mysterious way of hers that proved whoever that's sending her those pretty flowers is probably, most likely, oh my god, it most likely is Fran! It had better not be, cause if it was, I will personally, (at the risk of breaking one of my nails), take a crowbar to both Fran and Andromeda. AGH! I just had an image of them naked on my bed, making out!!! That was not good! That was not good! That was not good! That was not good! That was not good! That was not good! That was not good! That was not good! That was not good! That was not good! Do you understand NOW that I hate Fran? Oh god, please don't let her secret admirer be him. I would do anything, anything at all. Ooh, that reminds me of a muggle song I heard one day at Cynthia Potter's house, it went, 'I'll do anything...just to hold you in my arms, to make you laugh, because somehow I can't put you in the past.' Hee hee, don't know why that song just had to pop into my head. Got an idea, 'I'll do anything, just to kill you with hot tar, to make you cry, so you won't touch what is rightfully mine!' Awesome! I am going to put that in a howler and send it to Fran!!! This is my most brilliant ideas ever!

Dear Diary,

Crap, I'm in big trouble. Well. yesterday, ecstatic with my plan to attack Fran, I ran off to enforce it. What I didn't know was that Fran has a bad heart, (that's what you get from sneezing into other people's foods!) And well, I kinda put the Howler at the top volume so that it would scare the living daylights out of him. And Fran, being the most spoiled brat in the whole universe, has obviously never seen a howler, so he opened it, thinking it was a simple greeting card but literally passed out when my voice, which sounded a bit like a sonic boom, I add gleefully, knocked him out. WHAT A STUPID LITTLE KID! I swear to god! And of course, his parents recognized my voice, even though I tried disguising it, and just HAD to tell my parents. Boy, were they mad. I mean, all I wanted to do was well...kill him, but that was all, I swear, I didn't have any other malicious intentions behind that stupid letter that got me in trouble...[Grumbles] So, Fran beat the crap out of me, (god he is not as weak as he looks) and my stupid parents grounded me. Stupid Fran! Stupid parents! Stupid everyone in this whole world! Me! The beauty of Hogwarts is GROUNDED! AGH! I can't believe this! So what if Fran almost died? The world wouldn't have missed him anyways, in fact, I was doing everyone a favor, I wouldn't have been surprised if they decided to give me a prize for ridding the world of an annoying-stuffs-food-in-mouth-then-sneeze-it-on-yours-so-little-morsels-get-on-your-food-and-then-wipes-his-nose-on-your-hand little jerk! I swear to god, one day, I'll get him back! Bella is also pretty close to treading on mother's last nerve, today, that little girl was stupid enough to say that she wished that we could take down the picture of grandmére, which by the way screams at us everyday to kill stuff (Bella's really the only one that listens). Well, as you can imagine, mother was in a major fury and threatened to lock Bella in the dungeons. I watched it all from my bedroom, laughing at Bella a bit and pointing and laughing and you know, doing stupid things. Personally, I think everyone wanted Bella down in the dungeons, after all, that would make things quiet around here. Bella is scared of mice, very scared so she immediately quieted down and scampered off to find animals to practice her curses on. Well, soon after that, guess who came over? My cousins. Stupid people, really, I guess Regulus is not bad, but Sirius is such a blood traitor. I'm so glad I had to stay in my room, but they made fun of me constantly and Bella pretended to be me, shrieking in a high pitched voice, 'Don't hit me anymore, Fran! I swear I won't ever do it again!' Agh! I did not say that, all I said was, 'Don't hit me anymore, Fran you little jerk!' and that was in a threatening voice too. But Bella loves to enact things, inaccurately, if I may add, and she also loes Sirius, every time he comes over, Bella becomes one of the 'guys', and she runs around trying to cause as much havoc as she can without hide in room so mother's fury would not affect me, ah, I feel it already, well, time to pull out the old faithful ear plugs.