Qualms and Connections

Qualms and Connections

Chapter 4:

The Fire

*

"See?" Severus glanced up from the parchment in front of him. "If we use this spell, we can create lifeless copies of ourselves. Then, we simply put the place in fire and leave the copies in the flames. They'll clear our magical imprints from the registries, and we can get food, shelter, and warmth by spells. Simple."

"But what if it doesn't work?" asked Remus, frowning. "If we get caught, we'll be expelled from Hogwarts for using magic outside the school before being of age. And then, we'll never get another chance at anything." It wasn't that he didn't trust Severus. However, he didn't trust their luck, and for a reason, too. Neither of them had ever been particularly lucky; rather, they had the worst luck of all.

"It will work," Severus said confidently. "It has to work. If we prepare it well enough and then complete the plan quickly enough, everybody will think that we died. They won't even bother to look after us. We'll be free, Remus. Can you imagine it? We'll be free!" That thought was truly exciting to them both. Ever since they'd been just little kids, they'd never been free to come and go as they pleased. The nurses always kept a close watch on them, especially on Remus, never letting them leave the orphanage's area even when the other older orphans went for a walk with a nurse, or something. Well, so Severus could have left, but as Remus was forced to stay behind, being "too dangerous to let loose," he never did.

Remus imagined it. And, slowly, a smile spread onto his face. "It'll be wonderful," he said, grinning. "Very well. You're better with Transfigurations, look up that copying spell, and something we can use to make food. I'll study some warming charms so we won't freeze."

"I'll do that," Severus said. "Besides, I can stay most of the time in my cat form. That way, I won't need so much to eat." Ah, another one of their secrets. To be able to stay with his friend during the full moon, Severus had studied hard to become an Animagus. His form was a midnight-black cat with eyes just as dark as his fur. Of course, nobody else but Remus knew of this, so he always had to secretly sneak into the small cell where they locked Remus up to for the full moon night. With his friend present, Remus always felt much more human and calm, and didn't hurt himself half as much as he usually did.

Now, however, there would be no more being locked up for the werewolf. There would be no more having too little food, or hateful glares and whispers from older orphans. Now, finally, they would be free.

Oh, did Severus wait eagerly for that.

*

James glanced up as his parents stepped into the living room. "What's wrong?" he asked with his most annoying voice. "Where's my new brother, now? Didn't find anybody that'd suit you?"

"In fact, we did," Gary said calmly, not shaken by his son's hostile behaviour. "However, he refused to be adopted, telling that he would not leave his friend behind."

"We would have tried to speak him over otherwise," said Alanna, glancing sharply at her son, "but as you were so much against us adopting a child, we decided to wait. We want you to know, however, that if we can make the Weasleys to adopt his friend, you'll get a new brother immediately."

For a moment, James just stared at them. Then he stood up and stormed out of the room. A moment later they heard him slamming the door of his room closed.

Alanna sighed, biting her lip. Gary drew her nearer, wrapping his arms around her. "Don't worry," he said quietly. "He'll come around." However, in the inside, Gary was just as worried as his wife. James had quite a temperament at times, and he also happened to be extraordinarily stubborn. They would not give up their decision, knowing that their son had to act more maturely, but still this worried them. It would not be easy for their new child to have such a hateful older brother.

*

The next morning James wandered into the kitchen on an especially bad mood. The last night he'd overheard a Floo conversation his mother'd had with Molly Weasley, who had cheerfully accepted adopting his future brother's friend. That meant that he indeed would be stuck with a brother. Splendid.

When he got to the kitchen, however, he found his parents still there, much to his surprise. "What?" snapped James irritably. "Aren't you going to fetch my new brother now?"

"No," said Gary, gravely serious. "We aren't going to fetch him. You won't have a new brother, James."

"Why not?" asked the boy, blinking. Not that he wasn't happy about the sudden turn of events, no, but his parents didn't usually change their plans just like that.

"Because he's dead," Alanna said quietly, her lower lip quivering threateningly. "Both he and that friend of his are dead. Look!" And then she handed the Daily Prophet to her son.

James took it and glanced down at the paper. As soon as he saw the picture of the two boys, he gasped in surprise. "You're not telling me that you were going to adopt Remus, are you?" he asked in disbelief as his eyes started to dart through the article.

"You know him?" asked Gary, confused. This was definitely not something he'd expected.

"Of course I do!" replied James, raising his eyes from the newspaper. "Remus is -- was -- one of my best friends at Hogwarts! I just didn't know that he was an orphan, he never told us, and I certainly didn't know that he was friends with Snape. I most certainly wouldn't have protested if I had known it was him you wanted to adopt!" Then, his eyes met the caption under the picture, and he gasped again, this time in pure shock, as the news finally sank in. Of course he'd heard it before, but he had not really acknowledged it until now. "Oh, dear Merlin... Remus... he's -- he's dead."

"That he is," said Gary gravely. "I can't help thinking that maybe, just maybe, if we had taken him yesterday... If we had coaxed him more... Maybe he would still be alive. It's our fault, in a way."

Alanna started to sob silently. James, however, didn't hear that. He just stared in front of him, two thoughts going around in his mind.

'Remus is dead,' was the first one. And the second one, which was even more horrid, was, 'It's my fault.'

That was more than the thirteen-year-old wizard could bear. One of his best friends was dead now, dead and would not come back, and it was only because he had been childish and stubborn.

He fell down to his knees, starting to sob helplessly. His parents just watched him, unable to offer any comfort or consolation, knowing that it would be useless.

*

A piece of paper drifted in the wind. It flew teasingly close to a werewolf lying on the ground.

Remus reached out a hand, catching the paper. Maybe it was something interesting.

It was a page from the Daily Prophet. An article about the fire at the orphanage; how truly appropriate it was! The werewolf's eyes quickly scanned down the article, then jumped again up to the picture.

Remus looked at the picture and snorted. The nurses always took a picture of every child once a year, or when they came to the orphanage, so they always had a recent picture to show if the child ran away or otherwise disappeared -- that happened quite a lot. And as Remus and Severus never went anywhere without the other near, the nurses had decided to avoid the enormous trouble of taking another picture and just put them in the same picture, figuring that their pictures would anyway be needed at the same time. So there they were, Remus smiling timidly, Severus scowling at whomever was watching the picture, his hand securely lying on Remus's shoulder.

The caption and its sweetness were so badly overdone that he didn't honestly know whether to cry or laugh. "The best friends, Remus Lupin and Severus Snape when everything was still well -- the two boys only a week before both their short lives ended abruptly in the tragic fire in the St. Helen's Semi-Magical Orphanage last night."

He heard something landing on the ground behind him, then the sound of air escaping as something grew suddenly larger, pushing away everything around it. "Found something interesting?" asked a voice from behind him. Remus turned around to look at Severus, grinning at his friend as he showed him the page. Severus took it and quickly read through the article, a rare smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. "Well, well," he said amusedly. "Never thought we'd only have to die to make it to the paper."

Even though amused on the outside, Severus was a bit worried in the inside. He did trust their ability to keep themselves warm and fed, no trouble with that. However, he was still worried for Remus. There were several people out there who would have liked nothing more than to kill a stray werewolf if they came across Remus on a full moon night, and Severus would be unable to help. He didn't want his best and only friend to get hurt in any way. If Remus was killed, it'd be his fault -- after all, this had been his idea.

Besides, this was not what Remus deserved. He deserved to have a loving family and a good future, not being stuck hiding out in the woods with an antisocial bastard as his only company. Severus himself was pretty much content just being with Remus, but, at least in his opinion, this was definitely not enough for Remus. His friend was not meant for this kind of life, and even though he might be happy, Remus was not. The werewolf was surely only there to make him happy, and that pained him. He'd always only caused Remus trouble. Did he really have to take Remus's whole life away from him?

However, he couldn't help himself. As wonderful as the thought of Remus getting adopted was, at the same time he felt that he could not let his friend go. He did wish every bit of happiness for Remus, but if Remus left, he'd be alone. And Severus would die rather than be separated from his friend forever.

Not that he'd told that to Remus, of course. If he'd told, he would have destroyed every chance he now might have of convincing Remus to get himself adopted. Knowing what pain it would cause to him would most definitely make Remus decline -- yet another reason why he loved the other boy.

Oh, yes. Severus did love Remus, and not only as a friend, no. Of course, this was also a thing he could never tell, as that would definitely drive Remus away. Then again, maybe he should, if only to allow Remus a better life. But he was indeed too selfish for that.

Sighing so quietly that not even Remus's keen werewolf senses caught the sound, he cursed himself for his conflicting feelings. On one hand, he wanted Remus to have everything a loving family could offer, on the other, he loved Remus too much to let him go. Even after all that bullying, all the words and things he'd had to bear because of the prejudiced bastards in the orphanage, he dared to love Remus, and not as a friend, either. And just as much as it made him want to keep Remus to himself, it frightened him. He'd rather effectively taken Remus's life away from him, almost literally as they were now dead to the world, and even if the werewolf decided that he hated Severus, he'd have nowhere else to go. And if he still did leave Severus for his hatred for the "queer", he might get killed, wandering around alone. That could not happen.

So, unable to do anything else, Severus was forced to simply stay with his friend, battling against his own heart and its wishes to both send Remus away and hold tight onto him, and to keep his feelings in secret.

Remus would never know about his feelings for him. Not ever.

*