His Eyes

His Eyes

*

You Don't Look Back

*

Remus

*

Two months.

Two months of carrying Severus's child, meaning three weeks since I was left alone. It's been three weeks after the last time I've seen Severus, other than as a retreating form in the distance. Even when I was at Hogwarts, he seemed to be avoiding me -- or maybe it was me avoiding him? Either way, I was both relieved and disappointed about that -- I would have wanted to see him again, but I don't know whether I could have born seeing the hatred and rejection there surely would have been in his eyes.

Yes, I have visited Hogwarts. Poppy, who initially informed me about my pregnancy, wanted to check up on me. She of course had noticed that I and Severus had broken up, and asked for the reason. When I told her that he didn't believe he was the father of my child, she at first fell silent, then told me that a simple spell would prove Severus's paternity, but that it couldn't be used on an unborn child. Therefore, I only have to wait until the child is born.

There are only two questions now. One: am I able to wait seven months more? And, two: will I ever survive to see that happen? Most male werewolves do, but some don't. Many more don't than in female pregnancies, too many more. And after the War, I've been rather weak because of the injuries I got in the fights.

...Merlin, I have to survive. I want to see Severus again, I want to hold my child in my arms... I want my child to know his or her father. Will I be granted that? Will I get what most people do?

*

Severus

*

It's been three weeks since I found out about Remus's betrayal. Three weeks of loneliness and I'm already aching for him. I want him, I need him, Merlin, I love him... And I cannot have him.

Well, actually, I could. He didn't leave me; it was I who left him. But I don't want that, since I don't want to face the possible rejection -- after all, he loves another. Besides, no matter how much I'd love being with him, there's no way I could stay knowing that he'd rather want another.

...Why hasn't he reunited with his true love already? Or has he already done that, and I just don't know about it? And why did he tell me, lie to me in the first place? Why'd he want me to think that a stranger's child is mine?

Or maybe his true love doesn't care for him enough to take care of him and the child? If it is so, I will find out who it is and kill him with my bare hands. Nobody is allowed to break my Remus's heart -- no matter that he has broken mine. No matter that he isn't mine, either, not anymore.

He used to be mine, though... Or was he ever? Was it just me, living in some weird dream, not seeing the truth beneath it all? Maybe he cheated on me all the time we spent together. Maybe he's never truly cared for me.

...I love you, Remus. I love you so fucking much... Why can't you love me?

*

You promised me all your endless love

You promised the Earth, and the heaven above

You promised me the stars and the Moon

It ended soon, it ended too soon.

*

Remus

*

Three months.

I'm three months along now. Morning sickness is my frequent friend, and the only food I can stomach is broccoli ice cream. Weird, I know, but it helps. A bit.

I want Severus to be there, to stand next to me, to tell me that it will be worth it, that I will indeed survive to see my child. Our child. But I know that it won't be, and nothing could pain me as much.

I never wanted anything as much as a child. I'd even got Severus half convinced that we could have children together -- until Voldemort cursed him as his last punishment to the traitor, making him sterile. And at that moment, I saw my dreams being torn to shreds -- until I found out I was pregnant. For a moment, I was overjoyed.

The joy didn't last for long, however. Severus didn't believe that the child was his. Why would he have, anyway? He knew very well that he couldn't father a child. How did I imagine that he'd believe anything else than that I had cheated on him?

I haven't. I haven't, for the love of Merlin, I've never even kissed another, and yet I am with a child. With Severus's child -- I have to think so, otherwise, I would become crazy. But whose else's could it be? Whose could it be, when Severus cannot become a father?

I cannot abort it -- well, technically, I could, but I'd never do that. It'd be nothing but a downright murder, and to think that I would murder my own child... Impossible, simply that. But I cannot help thinking that it'd be better if this had never happened, if I wasn't with a child. My deepest dream ever had been to have a child of my own, yes, but even deeper is my love for Severus. For him, I was ready to give up my dreams of a child, to forget parenthood in order to be with him. And now I'm pregnant, how, I don't know even myself. And I don't have Severus with me.

At times like this, I hope Kingsley was still alive. Merlin, I really hope he was still alive. I miss him -- after Sirius's death, he was my only true friend. Besides Severus, of course, but as Severus is -- or was? Is, I have to hope, I have to -- also my lover, I didn't really count him as a friend. And now Kingsley is dead, he died in the Final Battle just a couple of hours before Harry brought Voldemort down. It's been two and a half months now.

I still can remember those long nights we spent talking about everything and anything. Mostly the War, yes, and Harry and, at times, Sirius, but also anything else we might have thought of. It was relaxing to know that he didn't expect anything from me, that he didn't see me as a raging beast and a wild animal to be wary of, as a parental figure, or as the last remaining piece of a time that was lost. To Kingsley, I was always just Remus -- not a werewolf, Professor Lupin, or Moony. I was me, myself. Nobody else ever saw me as just Remus, plain and simple -- nobody but Kingsley, and Severus.

And now Kingsley is dead, and Severus sees me as a traitor, a cheater, a betrayer.

*

Severus

*

Three months. That's how far along Remus is, at least if Poppy told me the truth. Three months, and I think I know already who his true love is.

Kingsley Shacklebolt. That's the name of the man who holds Remus's heart in his dark hands. He's the man who slept with my Remus, who created a child with my Remus, who fulfilled the one of Remus's dreams I never could.

Yes, I knew very well that Remus never wanted anything as much as a little child of his own. And that was the one thing I couldn't give him -- despite my family fortune, despite my magical powers, I could not give him that. Voldemort cast a curse on me that left me sterile, thus, I cannot be the father of Remus's child. If I was, nothing could make me happier, but I am not. And nothing could hurt me more.

So how do I know that it was Shacklebolt? Easy, and very simple. Remus has not returned to his true love. And Shacklebolt is the only one he cannot return to, since Shacklebolt is dead, he's been dead for two and a half months. Thank -- or blame, whatever -- the Death Eaters.

And they spent a lot of time together, didn't they? They were friends, after all. Especially after Black's death, Remus clung to him like a lost child. I do not know what they talked about all those long, lonely nights, but I'm beginning to believe that it was not only talking. And what about all those missions they went to together? What happened in the middle of fighting and hiding? And will I ever know that?

Do I even want to know?

*

I saw your eyes, I saw their light

I knew that you would be worth the fight.

I never knew what your love would cost:

My heart was lost, my heart was all lost.

*

Remus

*

Four months.

The morning sickness has left, and for that, I am grateful. I'm still unable to stomach certain foods, and especially fish makes me want to throw up. I live for tea, vanilla ice cream, and dill pickles, and curse myself daily for being so much like a cliché pregnant woman. However, I am a pregnant werewolf, so maybe I have to forgive myself for certain cravings. After all, it could be worse.

Although I find it hard to believe that it could be worse every time when I wake up to an empty bed, not having Severus with me. The only things that tell me that he's still alive are the little vials of Wolfsbane I receive every month. There's never the name of the sender on them, but who else would send me such a thing, especially with the Hogwarts school owls?

Why's he doing it? By Albus's command, no doubt. However, as much as it relieves me to know that my mind will remain through the full moons and I won't hurt others or myself -- and especially my baby -- it's still painful. It's painful, because it reminds me of Severus -- not that I ever went a day without thinking about him. Or an hour. Or a fucking quarter of hour of my time.

But how could I stop loving him, even if he doesn't love me?

*

Severus

*

He's four months along now. Soon he'll start to show, if he isn't showing already. I couldn't know, since I haven't seen him for about three months. Two months and three weeks, to be exact. And two days, five hours, seventeen minutes.

Last Tuesday I didn't think about Remus for two whole hours of my waking time. It was such a big event that I marked it on my calendar.

It was truly painful to brew the Wolfsbane, bottle it, and send it to him. However, I couldn't help myself. Even if he doesn't love me, I love him somewhere deep in my heart. And I cannot let him face the full moon without the aid of the potion. I just can't.

Sometimes, I think of everything we've come through together. I think of the fateful day Black sent me to the Shrieking Shack, by that breaking our relationship. I think of getting back together with Remus during the First War -- I still think it was Remus's love for me that made Black trust Pettigrew more than him -- and keeping our facadé up all those years, until Black escaped. Then, at school, acting hateful towards each other -- and finally, in the whirls of the Second War, coming out to the world as yet another shock to add to Black's death. To think about all the prejudices, hatred, and grudges we went through just to be together!

...Until I found out he doesn't love me, that he loves another enough to have a child with them.

I don't think even any of Voldemort's tortures have ever hurt me that much.

*

We wanted to start a life all anew,

We looked past all grudges -- that's not a few.

We promised that we'd never look back --

You don't look back. You don't look back.

*

Remus

*

Five months -- I saw him!

I saw him! I've seen him, Severus Salazar Snape, the very man I love with all my heart, whose child I am carrying. And he wouldn't even look at me properly.

I was at Hogwarts, coming back from my monthly checkup with Poppy. And, suddenly, I bumped into somebody in the corridor, falling over. Raising my eyes to the other person, I looked right at Severus's eyes.

He has very expressive eyes. You can see all his thoughts, all his emotions in those jet-black depths -- if you know how to look. I've seen it all there, the warmth and love that make them twinkle even worse than the Headmaster's eyes.

However, that time, there was no warmth or love in his eyes. There was just an unidentifiable emotion I couldn't quite make out. I saw it only for a couple of seconds as he surveyed me with his eyes; then he whirled around, not even bothering helping me up, and sped away like fleeing. I can remember thinking, 'Am I really that disgusting?'

It took me two whole hours to realize what it had been -- or, rather, to accept what I knew was true. The emotion in his eyes... It was hatred.

Severus hates me.

*

Severus

*

Merlin. Dear Merlin.

I saw Remus -- I saw my five-month-pregnant ex-lover. Too deep in my thoughts to pay any attention to anything going on around me, I ran right into him in a corridor here at Hogwarts. Coming from the direction of the Infirmary, he'd obviously been visiting Poppy.

As soon as I realized that I had collided with someone who'd fallen over, I stopped and glanced at my "victim". Seeing Remus in front of me on the floor, I froze completely.

Still as beautiful as ever, Remus had lost his usual thin look. He'd filled out a bit, especially around his midsection, where a definite bulge was clear to be seen. The bulge inside which his baby was developing.

His baby. Not mine.

It took me only a couple of seconds to take in it all -- Remus, his honey-silver hair framing a delicate face, his simple brown robes and the huge baby-belly. I took it all in, and then I turned around and fled. Fled like a coward, not even bothering helping the pregnant man up.

I just couldn't bear it. Not it, not my Remus in front of me, my Remus carrying Shacklebolt's child inside him. It was just too much. All I could feel was sadness, and hatred -- hatred for myself, since it was I who hadn't been enough, who'd been unable to be a man Remus could love. It was I who was not worth his love.

...Why, Remus? Why?

*

The midnight pools, whirling with life,

The sharp gaze cut like the finest knife.

The warmth in them when you loved me!

-- Just hate I see, now just hate I see.

*

Remus

*

Six months.

I've spent the whole day crying. No matter what I do or try, the tears just continue falling. And not for much reason, even.

...No other reason that Severus not being here, by my side.

Oh, damn. Now I'm crying again like a little baby, like an overemotional woman. Or an overemotional man, on that note.

Why cannot Severus be here? Why can't he be here and hold me and pet my hair and tell me that it will be okay?

And why cannot I just stop crying?

*

Severus

*

Six months. Last night, I cried.

I find it hard to believe even myself. I don't think I have shed a tear ever since I was five or so. Certainly not after my mother's death, that much I know.

There's not even telling what brought that on. Nothing just seemed to matter anymore, nothing seemed to be worth living for. Not without Remus. Never without Remus.

But why did I cry? He doesn't love me, big deal. He's in love with another, and carrying that another's child, that's okay. But I left him, since I'm not going to be with him, watch another man's child grow up under my eyes, listen to Remus tell that he loves me and yet know that he's in love with somebody he cannot have, that he's in love with a ghost and I'm just some weak substitute for his real love. What does it mean to me? It's his heart he's given away, not mine.

But it was my heart he broke with those small, delicate hands. Three simple words -- "I am pregnant" -- and snap! That was the end of my world, since he was my world, he and his love for me, and when that love disappeared, there was no world for me.

Just the lonely, dark dullness I call my life, and bitter, silent tears in the middle of the night.

*

I stand here, and here I cry

I see: also weeps the greying sky.

I love you, but you don't hear that --

You don't look back. You don't look back.

*

Remus

*

Seven months.

Seven months of this hell, and finally, I found it. I found the reason why I'm with a child even though Voldemort cursed Severus, and even though I've never slept with anybody else.

It's all about the exact form of the curse. It makes sure that the victim of the curse "will never have a child, neither with a woman nor with a man", and it's thought to be irreversible.

However, by the official definition, I'm neither. I'm a werewolf, and even though nobody can say that I'm an animal, or a beast, I'm not wholly a human, either. I'm not wholly a man, there's always a bit of the wolf inside me.

Therefore, the curse does not include me.

This discovery could have been my salvation. It could have been, if Severus only knew about it. I sent him an owl, telling him what I'd discovered. I had some kind of a mad hope that he would believe me, that he would return to me and be with me again.

The letter was returned unopened.

If it wasn't for the child inside me, I would gladly take my life.

*

Severus

*

Seven months, and I am alone.

Remus sent me a letter a week ago. I didn't even open it, just made the owl return with it. I don't want to know what he has to say -- I don't want to risk hope only to face rejection, I don't want to be hurt again.

One could think that nothing he does or says could hurt me more than what he already has done. However, once I thought that nothing could hurt me more than the moment I saw his wolf form and found myself wondering why he hadn't told me, why he hadn't trusted me enough. And yet he hurt me more -- or not him, but the fact that he loves another, and not me.

I don't really know what keeps me still going. Every night I lie on my bed, my empty, cold bed, and think that I should kill myself. I'm yet to do it, however. Somehow, I just cannot bring myself to it.

Although I don't know how long I'll restrain myself.

*

For you I would cross the deepest Hell

For you I would fight, and would fight well.

For you I wail, for you I beg

I warmly would welcome the death.

*

Remus

*

Eight months. I'm all alone.

I never thought this might happen. We were all the time together after coming out, Severus and I. We planned to be together until death us parted -- or at least he did. Knowing that werewolves often have a shorter lifespan than the so-called pure humans, I had told him not to do anything stupid when I died. And he just told me that nothing I said could change the fact that he would follow me. Of course I then said teasingly that he couldn't just leave our children behind alone -- it was the time before Voldemort's curse -- and he laughed, telling that if by any miracle we got children, they would all be grown-up and with their own children and probably grandchildren before he allowed me to let go of life.

What would he say now, when I very well might die giving birth to our first child? Would he laugh, and if he would, would he laugh with me or at me?

And would he -- no, will he leave our child behind alone, not by following me but by refusing to take care of the child? No, he won't. He cannot do that. No matter what, Severus is a man of honour; he would never allow his own offspring be raised by anybody else but himself.

Maybe I die giving birth. If I do, and the baby survives, then it is worth it. However, if one single wish would be granted for me, I know what I would wish.

I'd want to see Severus holding his child, our child. If that sight ever came to my eyes, I could die happy.

*

Severus

*

Eight months behind. That means only a month to the delivery - a month until the event in which Remus might die. Yes, I know that. I'm not as ignorant about male werewolf pregnancies as most people think. In fact, I've researched the subject a lot -- at first only because of some idle interest, then because I wanted to know all about what Remus was going through because of his love for another.

The things I found on my second state of research were not pleasant. Before, I'd only been interested in the why, and the how, and not cared about the what. Now I read anything I could find about exactly what happened to the male werewolves during the pregnancy, and it was not pretty.

The pregnancy is not that much different from a female's, true enough. However, giving birth is a wholly different thing -- of course that is assuming that both the child and the carrier have survived the possible complications that may follow from the transformations at full moons. Anyway, giving birth is the most complicated part. Men are simply not designed for giving birth. In the so-called "normal" male pregnancies, the charms or potions that have created the uterus for the baby to develop in will also give them a temporary birth canal and widen their hipbones enough to let the baby through. However, as a werewolf's child is developed in an internal organ wholly different from a uterus, and is a natural part of their body, being there ever since their first transformation back to a human, there is no extra magic involved. And that is the part where it becomes difficult.

It's not that the baby cannot get out, no. Nature has cared for that. When it comes to giving birth, the male werewolf's "baby-organ" -- for the lack of a better word, for it is not a uterus -- temporarily closes its connection to the rectus. Then a birth canal is simply ripped through their flesh -- not by pure magic, painlessly, like in other male pregnancies, but as a combination of raw werewolf magic and bodily functions. And their hips will widen enough to allow the baby to go through -- not by widening, but by simply breaking apart into small pieces that will not restrain the child from getting through the cruelly created canal. It usually takes at least a month after giving birth until the bones have grown back together firmly enough to allow the male werewolf to walk on his own.

But that's not enough. No, it isn't. The part of giving birth is even worse to them. Having every bone in their hips broken and in too much pain to think, the werewolf has to push to get the baby out. Usually, that's the most difficult part -- to have the carrier push the baby out. However, a werewolf's body does it on its own, instinctively. The bad thing is, because of the frequent transformations and the changes the pregnancy has made to their bodies, werewolves mostly die of sheer exhaustion after the birth. Even at the point where anybody else would just settle on the C-section, the werewolves have no options -- their body will push until the baby is out, no matter if it will destroy itself while doing this.

And Remus is weak, what with all the injuries he's got, in the War and otherwise. I know he is, I've seen it myself in so many occasions. He tries to appear strong, but I know he's not. In the end, he is very weak.

I really hope Shacklebolt's child will not kill Remus, for I still love him, and I want nothing bad to happen to him. Even if I cannot have his love, I can at least hope that he is well and safe.

And if he dies... Well, I've actually been wondering for a long time now just why I haven't killed myself already. There clearly is nothing for me to live for, so what would it mean to anyone whether I live or die? The only thing that has been holding me to this life is the fact that Remus is still here, that even though I cannot have him to myself, I can at least follow his life from afar and make sure he's being treated fairly. A couple of owls, and even the most eager men from the Ministry's different werewolf sections shut up very quickly.

But just like I follow his life, I would follow his death, too. The day he draws his last breath will be the one I draw my last one, too.

For I love Remus, and I'm not a man to give up my love easily.

*

Once, I asked what you would do

Once I died, if you died, too.

Once you said you'd welcome that.

...You don't look back. You don't look back.

*

Remus

*

Nine months.

Soon, I will be giving birth to Severus's child. Soon we will perform the test, and he'll see that I've been telling the truth, and he'll believe me and we'll be together again...

If I live through the birth, that is. It's very well possible that I don't. There have been complications with my pregnancy, so it will be only for Merlin's grace if both I and the baby survive. The chances truly are that I will die -- however, there's still some hope left that I will indeed survive. And I hope, just like I've hoped all this time, hoped that it will be worth it and that I'll see Severus again, that I'll see his eyes twinkle with love again.

Poppy told me about a charm that would get the baby out of my body safely -- safely for me, that was. I would have almost no difficulties at all, nor danger of death or even damage. However, three out of four babies delivered by the charm die. It could be, she said, it could be that my baby was the fourth, that he or she would survive and we'd both be safe.

I stared at her like she'd gone mad. There's no way, I told her, there's no way I would risk my baby only to ensure my own safety. It'd be better for my child to grow to know only one of their fathers, I said, than for me to live the rest of my life alone and in guilt. For I would be alone, that I know -- just like the paternity charm cannot be cast on an unborn child, it cannot be cast on a dead one, either. And Severus would not believe me.

Besides -- oh, shit. That hurt. Has the baby gone crazy or what? It's never kicked me that hard before. Sure, I've got a fair lot of kicks to my insides before, but none have been that painful.

Oh, Severus... Why cannot you be here? I'd want to let you feel it, I would have wanted that a long time ago. As soon as I felt the first brush of tiny feet inside my stomach, I hoped I could let you feel it, have your hands over my stomach, wonder together with you just how wonderful little creature there was developing inside me. And you don't want that.

*

Okay, so it is not kicking. Not kicking at all. All the day, they've become more and more frequent. Now, they are about quarter an hour apart.

It's time for me to get myself to Hogwarts, unless I want to give birth on my own kitchen floor. And from that, neither of us would survive.

So, I grasp the special Portkey Albus has made for me -- it'll take me right to the Infirmary, and I've been carrying it everywhere with me for about a month now. Whispering the word that will activate the Portkey -- "Godric" -- I brace myself for the familiar whirl.

However, it never comes. Of course not, since usual Portkeying might harm my child. Instead, it feels more like gentle hands lifting me up and carrying me carefully through the soft darkness. And then, just as gently as it picked me up, the Portkey lets me down to the floor of the Infirmary.

"Remus!" exclaims Poppy, startled. "Why are you -- oh, yes. The baby's coming, isn't it?"

"Yes," I whisper, trying to catch my breath. No matter how gentle the Portkey was, it still managed to get me out of breath. "At least I think so."

"Very well." Once again, Poppy takes control, a firmness in her voice that's never there other than when she's caring for a patient. "How far apart are the contractions?"

"About fifteen minutes," I say, and almost immediately double over in pain as a particularly nasty contraction hits me. "Make it twelve," I hiss through clenched teeth. A panic is raising in me. Is it meant to be this painful? Or is something wrong?

Poppy seems to somehow know my thoughts, since she says, "Calm down, Remus. I'm sure both you and your baby will be fine. Soon we'll see Severus fawning over his child and apologizing to you for not believing you."

I smile despite the still lingering pain. The picture of Severus apologizing to anyone for anything is just too funny to ignore, just like is the picture of Severus being charmed by a newborn baby. But maybe, just maybe, that could happen.

*

Oh, shit. Poppy looks grave serious as she reads the results from the scanning charms she's cast on me. The contractions are only about six minutes apart, and my mind is really dizzy. What's wrong with me? Or is it the baby? Oh, no, let my baby live, even if I don't...

"Remus..." Her voice is soft, so soft, and I know it. I'll die, won't I? Just tell me... "Remus, the scans look rather bad... Your baby is fine at the moment, but it's you I'm concerned about. There might be some very bad complications. I still think the Delivery Charm --"

"-- Would kill my child," I finish harshly. "And I won't have that."

She nods slowly, so very slowly. And I can see she doesn't agree with me.

But I don't care. I don't care about anything else but having this child born, to prove Severus that I didn't cheat on him, to let my little baby live with their father and grow up to be a mighty witch or a wizard.

Even if I cannot be there to see it.

*

I'm in pain. I'm in an intense pain, and I know the baby's going to be born soon. Very soon. And I don't feel strong enough to go through it myself.

Is it my voice speaking there? "If I don't live through this... tell Severus..." I flinch as a new pain of wave hits me, and am unable to speak for a moment. Once I get myself under control again, I hear my voice finish the sentence. "Tell Severus... that I love him..."

And I thought as the pain again flows over me, 'That is true. That is all that matters.'

That's my last thought before I drown to the waves of pain.

*

Severus

*

Nine months. Remus should be giving birth to a little Shacklebolt some time soon. I wonder whether he's going to do it here at Hogwarts -- after all, Poppy's been examining him through the whole ordeal, she'll surely want to deliver the baby also.

But what's that? A knock on my door. Who would be there on such a late hour?

I get up from my chair and walk to the door. Then I open it to reveal the Headmaster, who is serious for once.

"Poppy sent me to get you," he says gravely. "Remus -- he's there -- but there are problems with the birth --"

He doesn't have time to say more; I'm already rushing past him and running towards the stairway. Maybe Remus doesn't love me, maybe it's another man's child he's giving birth to, but at the moment, I simply don't care.

I love Remus, no matter what. And that's all I care about at the moment.

On my way towards the Infirmary, I pray. I've never done it before, but now I find myself chanting, "Dear Merlin, let Remus live... For all that's magical, just let him live..."

*

If I'll see your eyes' full light,

If I'll see them, it's worth the fight.

If I'll see: your love is mine,

Death is fine. Now death is fine.