From the Desk of Draco Malfoy...

From the Desk of Draco Malfoy

To whom it may concern,

I would like to start this letter by asking WHAT THE HELL DO YOU PEOPLE THINK YOU ARE WRITING?!!!!!!

That said, I will continue. First off, this website... what exactly is the point? Do you people take pleasure in writing about what you think my life is about???!!! Perfect examples are these 'ships.' I don't know what may be going through your sick, perverted minds, but I can assure you that I most certainly would NOT go out with Granger, the girl Weasley (or any Weasel for that matter), my aunt Bellatrix, OR my MOTHER (honestly, my MOTHER FOR GODSAKES?! ). WHAT KIND OF CRAP ARE YOU PEOPLE PUTTING UP OUT HERE?!! Do you think incest is funny?! Well it ISN'T!!!!!!! Now, if you put Weasel with his dad or something, I suppose that would be worth a laugh, but NOT ME. The closest my mother has come to that touchy-feely-sex crap is changing my diapers. MY DIAPERS. DO YOU HEAR ME?! Does THAT SOUND LIKE A LOVE STORY TO YOU?!

I can assure you it WAS NOT.

Now, to bring up my NEXT bitching-out paragraph. Why the hell do you people find the need to write stories that include me CRYING?! Honestly. Crying? CRY-ING?! CRY-ING?!!!!!!!! Once again, I would NOT, repeat, NOT cry in a public vicinity nor would I even get moist...............................................That's moist in the EYE area, you sick-minded freak. Yes, you don't think I know what goes on in that dirty little mind, do you? WELL I DO, OKAY?!!! SO COME OFF IT YOU SEX-FIEND!

Speaking of sex, I'm now going to rave about this seemingly popular form of romance called 'slash.' ------------------------------

WHAT

A

LOAD

OF

MALARKEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I would never, in a million years, NEVER, come into genital contact with Potty. OR Weasel. OR (and this is the part that makes me want to ralph so hard that people in Japan can see the chunks) my FATHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Let's be real, here. THAT'S WORSE THAN MY MOTHER!!!!!!!!!! Which is why I am providing you a list of things that would happen BEFORE I would EVER do it with daddy:

LIST OF THINGS THAT WOULD HAPPEN BEFORE I WOULD EVER DO IT WITH DADDY:

1: Hell would freeze over three times.

2: I would re-enact Britney's performance at the American VMA's of "I'm a Slave 4 U" with a basilisk around my neck wearing a Brazilian v-string.

3: I would pierce both of my nipples (bet you're going to write a story about that TOO, AREN'T YOU?!)

4: I audition on the show Pop Idol and sing the theme song from the ex-lax commercials.

5: I would set one foot into the Gryffindor, no, Hufflepuff common room.

6: I would write an article for Witch Weekly discussing why I think our wands should be replaced with pink fuzzy bunnies.

7: I would grow my hair long and wear a T-shirt that says "The Marshall Mathers LP"

8: I would go to France and order the Escargot special, pouring toxic waste on it and sucking the snails through a straw going into my nose, through my brain, and making it to my bowels, which would be covered in armadillo bile.

9: I would watch the Barney marathon... in a muggle house... WITH muggles.

And 10: I would take a shower in bobotuber pus, THEN ask Parkinson to go with me to the next Hogsmeade visit.

However, continue with Potty and Weasel slash. Please.

That concludes my bitching out letter. If you do not cease to allow this slander of my good name to exist, I'll, I'll, OOOOOOH I know...

..........I'll tell my DADDY on you!.........

But wait... he's in Azkaban, never mind....

Sincerely,

Draco Malfoy