I'm Gonna Be Strong

I can see you're slipping away from me.

And you're so afraid that I'll plead with you to stay.

So I'm gonna be strong.

I'll let you go your way.

Love is gone.

There's no sense in going on.

And your pity now would be too much to bear.

So I'm gonna be strong.

I'll pretend I don't care.

I'm gonna be strong and stand as tall as I can.

I'm gonna be strong and let you go along.

And take it like a man.

When you say it's the end I'll hand you a line.

I'll smile and say don't you worry it's fine.

And you'll never know darling after you kiss me goodbye.

How I'll break down and cry...

-Cyndi Lauper

Pansy stood as still as was humanly possible while Draco continued to stand in front of her and speak. Some days later, when Pansy would reflect upon this moment in retrospect, she would realize that she had never seen it coming. She had always assumed, had always expected, but it wasn't the case. Now she was paying dearly for having jumped to conclusions several years back.

She and Draco had grown up together. They had always played together in their parents' manors as the adults carried on with business and such. Draco was the first real friend that Pansy could remember having. Of course, 'friend' is not a term you often hear from a Slytherin, but that's what Pansy had always considered Draco. She knew she could confide in him anything and he would not say a word. She often consoled him after one of his father's many punishments and she granted him the same privilege.

The years passed on and soon they were at Hogwarts together. For the first few years, they had simply carried on in the same way they were accustomed to. They would laugh and joke and borrow each other's notes. Things that were normal for friends to partake in, and if she was honest with herself, things that she never gave a second thought to. Then, everything changed.

Pansy knew at the time Draco had simply asked her to accompany to the Yule Ball in fourth year because she was his closest friend and she happened to be a girl, but she could pinpoint that exact night as the one where she began to see Draco in another light. It was stupid really, to develop a crush on a boy that you'd know for forever, but she couldn't help herself. It felt natural to add another layer to the close relationship she already had with him.

For well over a year, she kept it to herself never letting anything give him any indication of her deeper feelings for him. She was the same person she had always been, but every time he gave her a small smile or laughed at something she said, she would just fall more in love with him. By now, she was convinced that that was what she was feeling for him. Love. Not some simple "isn't he gorgeous!" crush, or "don't you want to shag him senseless" lust. And she had always assumed that, one day, he would reciprocate her feelings.

When his father ended up in Azkaban at the end of fifth year, she didn't think she'd ever seen Draco so torn. It was like his sense of being was thrown completely off-balance. Before she could do much to cheer him up, school was out for the summer holidays and the war was beginning.

She received very few owls from him that summer. Most were just to reassure her that he wouldn't go hurl himself off the edge of a cliff anytime soon, but he never disclosed what he was feeling to her.

At the beginning of sixth year, he returned to school looking haunted. It still gave her a chill when she thought back to that time and how utterly empty his eyes appeared. His actions were of a person that had been administered the Dementor's Kiss; he looked like he had lost his soul.

His appearance became all the more mysterious after being told his father had been released from Azkaban nearly a month prior to the start of term. No one could understand what was wrong with him, why he was this broken shell of the proud boy he once was.

He began to distance himself from everyone. No more taunting to the lower classmen, no smirks, not even a sarcastic comment about the Golden Trio. His mind was elsewhere during classes and not even Snape could bring it back. In the evenings, he would sit in the common room in a corner and focus on nothing but his homework until he decided to go to bed. Not a word spoken to another Slytherin.

Pansy watched this go on for several weeks and every time she saw him and remembered the beautiful and energetic golden boy he had once been, her soul felt like breaking. One night, while the Slytherin dorms were quiet, she slipped into the boys' side with her wand drawn. She quickly released the fastening spell he had on his bed curtains and crawled in and recast it before any other spells were broken. The first thing she noticed made her heart catch in her throat.

Heart-wrenching sobs of such anguish that could only come from knowing pain and suffering intimately were rising from him. His tears trailed paths down his pale cheeks to come to rest on his pillow as he thrashed on the bed. Screams mixed in with the sobs as he curled up protectively on his side as if to ward off an invisible specter.

It was difficult for her to listen just for the few minutes that she did. Every night for one week she crept into his room, and every night it was the same. Finally, on the eighth night of listening, she gathered him up in her arms and stroked calming circles against his back. He seemed to calm slightly as she did this so she continued to do it every time she came into his room.

After a while, the light she so loved started to come back into his eyes. He began paying attention in class, and a few words passed between him and other Slytherins. He was slowly becoming himself again. She stopped worrying about him and became even more confident that he would love her one day.

After seventh year started, she stopped coming into his room to comfort him unknowningly in his sleep. It would have been impossible to do so since he was now staying in the private Head Boy dorm. She wondered whether or not he had those dreams again since he didn't revert back to the hollow existence he had been.

It was around this time that she began to notice surreptitious glances in the direction of the Golden Trio. She never gave it much thought since she believed he was simply thinking of new insults to throw their way. Every so often, she would catch him looking at them with something other than hate, but she continued to shrug it off.

Soon following graduation, the war was at its peak. Heavy casualties had been lost on both sides. Two of those had been Lucius and Narcissa Malfoy. Draco, as well as most of the graduated class, became battle-worn that summer. Pansy hadn't been sure what Draco was doing or even what side he was on, but he always sent her letters to let her know that he was fine. She read them over and over while she hid in a secret room in her manor as her parents were off fighting.

Now, two years and many owls later, Draco had shown up on her doorstep not two weeks after the war had ended. The Death Eaters had surrendered after Voldemort was killed by The Boy Who Lived. She expected he was there to arrange a date or even to ask her hand in marriage now that he was finished fighting and had inherited the Malfoy fortune. All those thoughts vanished from her mind as fast as her smile melted off her face when she peeked over Draco's shoulder to find a certain Muggleborn witch standing uncomfortably behind him.

At Draco's request, she followed the two of them into the front courtyard where he started talking about the war and how spectacularly it had been won. Soon, he switched topics and he was telling her how much he and Hermione were in love. The admission was followed with an invitation to attend their wedding, which was only a few weeks away. They had come in person because Hermione would like Pansy to be one of her bridesmaids on account of her being Draco's closest friend.

Not knowing how she managed it, she smiled while she agreed to the proposition. The couple beamed back at her and she could feel the happiness radiating off the two of them. She really had never known. She had always thought that she would be the one Draco would choose. Not some common blood girl. She was the one that had seen Draco at his lowest and all the facets of his personality. She was the one that stood by him when the rest of the Slytherins paid no attention to the shattered boy. Pansy didn't think 'shock' was a big enough word for what she was feeling, but somehow she was able to save face.

As the couple turned to leave, Draco came and took her in his arms before pressing a gentle and chaste kiss on her forehead. He told her that she was the best friend he could have ever hoped for. With that, he took Hermione's outstretched hand and left down the road to where Pansy was sure a Malfoy car was waiting complete with a driver.

Pansy continued to stand there for a moment more and watch their departing backs as feelings of despair coursed through her. It pained her to see him made happy by someone other than herself, but she loved him too much to be petty. At last, she turned ignoring the tears that were fast gathering at the corners of her eyes and made her way back to the door as she did the last thing she would ever do and the last thing would ever have expected to do in loving Draco Malfoy.

She let him go.