The Serpent and the Eagle

Chapter Eleven - Wounded Hero

[Love Me To Death]

[UK Mission]

Let me come inside your ivory tower,
Let me come inside your hallowed walls,
God, it's heaven in here,
Fix me with your hand of grace,
Fix me with your touch of precious thrill,
Your fingers dance across my skin,
Reaching out for the pride of man

We're hand in hand, we're flesh in flesh,
We're walking through the fire of love,
And breath by breath, and flame by flame,
We burn 'til the sun rises and shines hard,
And love comes gushing, love runs free,
My love comes all over you,
My love comes for you

Love me to death, my flower,
Run barefoot through my hair,
Naked on my lips,
Love me to death, my precious,
Smother me with kisses,
Drown me in your waves of flowing sweetness

Hold me dear, and bury me deep,
Bless me with your word of savage honour,
We love more by fate than design,
So give me your hand and I'll gladly give you my life,
My flower, that sways in the breeze,
You must be stronger than the winds that blow you away,
Blow you away

Love me to death, love me to death,
love me to death, my flower.
Love me to death, my treasure.
Run bare foot through my hair,
dance wild on my heart.
Love me to death, my precious;
love me to death, my love.
Tarnish, taint and punish me softly,
softly love me to death, love me to death.

Ravenclaw Common Room, Mid October 1996

The Ravenclaw Common Room was a haven for bookworms. Hermione Granger would have rejoiced in this room had she ever set foot within its azure walls. Bookshelves were set into the walls and filled to bursting with all kinds of books, from school textbooks to wizarding and even Muggle fiction. Its hues were of bronze and blue, this theme pervading throughout the tapestries and furnishings.

It was already very late at night, and rain lashed at the windows from a threatening pitch sky. In a deep velvet armchair near the fading embers of a fire, Cho Chang was reading, ignorant of the unfavourable weather conditions outside. Her mind was not on the book, however. It was on other things. Like the potion in her pocket.

Suddenly, her train of thought was derailed.

'Cho?' Padma Patil was giggling madly.

Cho looked up angrily from her book and snapped, 'What?'

Padma's giggles subsided a little. 'You have a visitor.'

'Who is it?'

Padma drew a deep breath as if to wring as much drama as possible from her words.

'Draco Malfoy!'

They certainly had a dramatic effect on the Ravenclaws. The entire common room froze for a split second and began to whisper rumours to each other. Cho ignored them all. What was this social tomfoolery to her?

She got to her feet, carefully marking her page in the Charms book. She walked at a leisurely pace to the exit and pushed through the folds of the tapestry, taking care to step around the various booby traps that guarded the entrance as she did so.

She emerged from its billowing depths and saw Draco hunched on the floor, his hands pressed to his temples in such a pose of despair that Cho felt like laughing.

'Cho!' he gasped. He stumbled to his feet and almost fell over in his eagerness to get to her.

'Not here, Draco,' she hissed. 'We need somewhere more private.'

Gryffindor Common Room

Wild winds and torrential rain had besieged the Scottish countryside for the past week, and the students were rapidly becoming fed up with cabin fever. The Gryffindors had been forced indoors to escape the worst of the weather, and the Trio had reluctantly postponed their intended visit to Hagrid. They tried their best to chat to him in the corridors between classes, and in the Great Hall at meal times, but he seemed more than a little put out that he hadn't had a proper visit from his old friends since term began.

'Blimey, Hermione,' Hagrid had grumbled, 'I'm starting to forget what you all look like!'

The rest of the Gryffindors were experiencing similar problems, only with both Hermione and Ron.

The new couple had taken to disappearing into the boys' dormitories for hours at a stretch, while Ginny and Harry tried very hard indeed not to think of what they might be doing and distracted themselves with Gobstones or writing letters to family. Ginny had been teaching Harry how to dance in preparation for the upcoming masquerade ball, which provided the Gryffindors with a new form of entertainment.

Harry continually stepped on her toes and apologised for his clumsiness, turning as red as a beet whenever Parvati and Lavender giggled at him.

'Don't listen to those two floozies,' Ginny whispered, much to his amusement.

Suddenly, Ron and Hermione emerged from the dormitories, looking dishevelled and more than a little pink in the face. Ginny stared pointedly at Hermione, who blushed. Her eyes flicked over her friend's appearance, and widened in horror. Hermione's shirt was buttoned wrong, and her skirt was creased, almost as if someone had hiked it up...

'Anyway, about the masquerade,' Ginny said loudly, feeling her cheeks burn.

'Yes, you were supposed to be teaching me how to dance properly,' Harry prompted.

'That's right,' said Ginny. 'I can't be seen with you if you continue dancing the way you have been lately.'

'And what way is that?' asked her boyfriend, scandalised.

'Like a flobberworm with bad arthritis,' she mocked.

Harry's green eyes bugged out of his head. 'Am I really that bad?' He grinned and added, 'And the flobberworm has no joints, so it can't have arthritis.'

'Yes, you but you dance like one anyway,' she enthused. 'You twitch and jerk about like I don't know what! Come on, I'll show you how to do it properly.' She seized Harry's left hand and placed it on her waist.

'Let's keep it clean, Gin!' Ron called.

'Don't get me started, Bilius,' she muttered in reply. She raised her voice and said, 'Next, you keep a hold of my left hand in your right, and I place my right hand on your shoulder - ' she paused while she gave him a visual version of her instructions ' - like this. Understand?'

'Totally and utterly,' Harry lied.

Ginny sighed. 'OK, we'll leave it there for tonight.'

'It's the smart choice, Harry,' Ron teased. 'She'll soon have you up to speed on how to do the steps properly.'

Harry scowled. 'The damn thing is on in two days time!' he muttered.

'Shut it, Ronniekins,' Ginny snapped. 'What are you going as, anyway?'

Ron smiled at Hermione and replied, 'A knight...like in a chess match.'

'How about you, Hermione?' Parvati asked. 'Something bookish, I'm sure.'

Hermione threw Parvati a scathing look and replied, 'An angel, I think. I found a spell while I was reading to grow wings, but it's very difficult to perform properly and not leave lingering results, like wing stumps for example...'

'Hermione, sweetness,' Ron said soothingly. 'You can pull anything off. You're the best student in Hogwarts ever.'

She smiled and gave him a peck on the cheek. Harry and Ginny exchanged a knowing glance, glad that for once there was not a chaotic argument raging between the pair. It was a very nice change.

'I'm going as a butterfly,' Parvati declared.

'You'll look gorgeous,' Lavender enthused. 'I think I'll be a princess, do you think it will look okay?'

'I'm sure it will,' Parvati replied, linking her friend's arm and retiring to a more secluded spot of the common room. The entertainment of Harry's feeble attempts at dancing had lasted far more briefly than they had all hoped.

'What are you going to be, Ginny?' Hermione enquired.

'I'm not sure yet,' she admitted. 'Maybe I'll go as Gwenyvar from the legends of King Arthur.'

'That will suit you very, very well,' Harry replied, kissing her brow.

'How about you, Harry?' Ron asked.

'I don't have a costume,' Harry confessed.

Ron chuckled.

'You've never been to a wizard's masquerade ball, have you?' Seamus butted in, laughing a little.

'Well, no,' Harry said sarcastically, 'seeing as I was raised by Muggles.'

Seamus coloured in embarrassment.

Hermione rolled her eyes at the boy's idiocy. 'A wizard's masquerade involves a lot more than wearing a silly mask, although you do have to wear one,' she explained. 'You are completely disguised for one night, up until midnight. You must use Transfiguration, charms and potions to disguise yourself completely so nobody knows who you are.'

'Oh.'

'What do you mean, "oh"?' she said.

'I mean, "oh, I didn't realise".' Harry's voice was tense. 'Do I have to spell it out?'

The two Weasleys and Hermione recognised the danger signs and let the matter lie. These days, regardless of how much Harry enjoyed Ginevra Weasley's love, and the company of his two best friends, his temper trickled beneath the surface like an impatient volcano. The three were almost certain at times that steam would billow out of Harry's ears if he continued to get angry and bottle it up.

Ginny had broached the subject of Sirius with Harry, but he had dismissed it, claiming that he was getting over it. In late night discussions with Hermione, Ginny knew that this was a lie. By pretending the issue did not exist, Harry was avoiding having to face it directly.

'I'm off to bed,' he said eventually.

'Harry, it's not even ten yet,' Ginny said, surprised.

'I don't care. I'm tired. Goodnight, everyone...'

He said his goodnights and trudged upstairs to his dorm room, glad of the sombre emptiness and hollow ring of his footfalls against the stone floors. He fell onto the soft covers of his bed, welcoming the softness of his pillow. Kicking off his shoes, he contemplated the masquerade.

'What to go as?' he murmured.

Various thoughts clouded his mind, but every time he thought of something heroic he dismissed it. He kept coming back to two ideas - a shaggy black dog or King Arthur (Ginny's idea had stuck with him quite a lot). He toyed with the idea of a dog for a while, but dismissed it as too farfetched. There was no way he could learn to be an Animagus in a fortnight. King Arthur would be quite easy to pull off - chain mail, a bit of body armour and a helmet, all things he could borrow from the suits in the corridors.

'It's my best bet,' he muttered, and crawled under the covers without removing his clothes.

Sleep claimed him swiftly, bringing a strange dream. He was in the midst of hundreds of people, all wearing strange costumes and even more disturbing masks. He pushed his way through the masses, calling two names that echoed wildly about him.

Ginny...Ginny...Ginny...Sirius...Sirius...

He heard giggling, and recognised it as Ginny's. He also heard a loud burst of laughter that sounded like a dog's bark. He caught sight of the two, both standing close to each other and laughing at some joke. The atmosphere was chilling despite their merrymaking, and all about them was a dreadful silence as though people were staring, judging.

Harry fought his way to them. Ginny was wearing a dress of burgundy with bronze features, and about her shoulders was a swirling woollen cloak dyed deepest red. It was a wonderful companion to her hair, which was laced with bronze leaves, caught back and allowed to fall against her back in a cascade of curls. She had a sword at her hip, and a quiver of arrows on her back. She made an exquisite Queen Gwenyvar.

Sirius was lean and edgy, wearing Muggle sunglasses and a short leather jacket. Torn denim jeans and battered biking boots completed his ensemble, as well as a black t-shirt. He looked every inch a Muggle biker, although he lacked the tattoos.

'Come on, Harry,' Sirius said, his voice cheery. 'Don't you want to dance?'

Harry heard mocking laughter, and turned to see a strange woman with long hair. She was clad in a stunning ball gown of silver, with black evening gloves and a plain black mask. She removed the mask, and Harry recognised the hateful figure of Bellatrix Lestrange. He felt a surge of anger so strong that it made the entire dream room shudder with its force. He balled his fists and snarled at her.

'Get out of here!' he roared.

'Ickle baby Potter's dweaming,' she taunted. 'Do you wuv them, baby Potter? Would you mind terribly if I killed them both? As in now?'

Harry lunged, and felt the floor crumble beneath him. He flailed madly through the air, roaring for Sirius and Ginny as if his life depended on it.

'I can't lose you again!' he screamed, watching his godfather.

Ginny and Sirius were falling. Sirius grabbed Ginny and tried to boost her onto solid ground, but the floor had already begun to disintegrate at his feet. The other guests still stood, staring, judging, cruel in the face the face of their plight. They all wore Death Eater masks.

Bellatrix watched, a satisfied smile on her face.

'Now watch them die, baby Potter,' she hissed.

'NOOOO!'

Harry woke up, sweating, and found Ginny next to him. He groped for his glasses, but Ginny stopped him. She wiped his face with the corner of his blankets and passed the spectacles to him.

'What are you doing here?' gasped Harry, fixing them on the bridge of his nose.

'I waited until the others were asleep,' she whispered, 'and then I came up to see if you were okay.' She hesitated, and then added, 'You called for me. You called for Sirius.'

Harry looked away, pretending he was fixing his pyjamas. The hangings about his bed were drawn, and he could hear the soft snores of his dorm mates.

'I've silenced the hangings so you don't wake anyone else up,' she explained. 'I'm so worried about you...'

Harry rolled over and buried his head in the pillow.

'Harry, you have to tell me,' she said firmly. 'What's going on in your mind?'

Harry felt anger rise in him like a flooded well. 'WHAT MAKES YOU THINK - '

Ginny cut him off. ' - That I'd understand? I may not have known him as long as you, but it was long enough to love him as much as you did! Didn't you stop to think that others might be feeling as bad as you that he died? I have nightmares too, you know. I have nightmares every night about Tom Riddle, and about that Department of Mysteries. I nearly lost my brother there. I nearly lost you!' Tears filled her eyes. Her voice shook as she added in a little scream, 'So don't quote me a chapter and verse about people not understanding you, Harry, because I'm writing my own bloody well book!'

Harry hung his head, feeling his cheeks redden.

'I'm sorry,' he whispered.

'Don't presume to tell me I don't understand, then. I know you're hurting, and it kills me that I can't help you because you're so god damn proud and stubborn you won't let me know what's going on!'

Harry stifled a sob. 'I love you, you know that?' he croaked.

'I know.' She soothed him with kisses and stroked his rumpled hair. 'I love you, too.'

'That's why I'll tell you, but you're not to tell anyone else, all right?' he said in an undertone.

'I understand.'

'Not even Ron and Hermione!'

'Okay.' Her voice was gentle and soft, not judging, just listening and there and so Ginny that he knew he could trust her with this, the shameful feelings he was experiencing that he felt he could not share with any other being alive.

'I hate myself!' he declared. Ginny made to protest, but Harry silenced her. 'Wait, I have to finish this. I hate myself, because it's my fault that he was there, trying to save me while I thought I was saving him...'

'We all thought we were saving him,' Ginny assured him.

'Yes, but if it had of learnt Occlumency better, I would have never had those dreams and I would never have believed that stupid vision Voldemort sent me, and Sirius wouldn't have died trying to save me, would he?'

'You can't change that now,' Ginny sighed.

'Yes, but it's all true,' Harry hissed. 'It's all my fault!'

Ginny sighed. He needed to stop this, now. It was time for drastic measures...

'Yes, you're right,' she said.

'What?' Harry demanded.

'You're right, every word of it is true,' Ginny continued. 'You deserve to hear it from me, Harry. It's true. It's true, but not entirely. Yes, a series of events happened that led to his death. Yes, he died trying to help you. And yes, if you had tried harder at Occlumency you maybe would never have had that dream or whatever it was. But that doesn't make it your fault.'

'How do you figure that one?' he said caustically.

'Okay, I'll use another example,' Ginny went on. 'Say you give Ron a list of ingredients for a potion. Say you tell Ron what it does. And say, by some mad stroke of luck, Ron manages to make the potion.' Harry laughed. 'Wait til I'm done, Harry,' Ginny said with a smile. 'Anyway, Ron makes the potion, and he gives it to Malfoy. However, the potion was contaminated by something, and Malfoy dies.'

'I'd throw a party,' Harry said quickly. 'And invite everyone I know...'

Ginny rolled her eyes heavenward and pressed on. 'Anyway... Ron doesn't blame you for what happened. You provided the means for it to happen, but you didn't make it happen. Do you understand me now?'

'I think so,' Harry answered. 'But it still doesn't make me forget that it's my fault he was there in the first place.'

'All right then.' Ginny sat up on the bed and held his hands in hers, stroking them softly with her thumbs. 'Go on. That's not all that's bothering you, is it? I hate to sound like some Muggle doctor, but what else are you feeling, apart from feeling guilty?'

'I loved him,' he admitted. 'I still do. I miss him. Oh God, yes, I miss him. I feel sad, depressed, ashamed that I couldn't save him. I saved so many others, you, Ron, Hermione, even him at one stage...but this time I couldn't.'

'That's normal, sweetie, it's completely and utterly normal to feel that way. I felt exactly the same...'

'Yeah, but did you feel hate?' Harry asked, his eyes downcast and his voice soft. He couldn't meet her steady gaze, couldn't meet those innocent brown orbs...

'How do you mean?' she asked.

'Hate, hatred, loathing.' Harry's voice was low and quiet. Ginny wondered if he was deliberately controlling it so he wouldn't start screaming. 'I hate Bellatrix Lestrange. I hate Voldemort, I hated Dumbledore for not telling me anything, I hated Ron and Hermione for leaving me in Privet Drive all summer, I hated everyone and everything after he died. I even hated him for leaving me...'

His voice broke off and he started to cry, tears rolling unabashed from his eyes and onto the bedclothes. He pulled his hands away from Ginny's and raised them to his face, resting his elbows on his knees and sobbing into them.

'Oh God, I hated Sirius...' he moaned.

Ginny watched, afraid to touch him in case she annoyed him. He was rocking back and forth with spasms of tears.

'Dumbledore said the ones we love never really leave us,' Ginny hazarded.

'But he did!' he whispered. Ginny's heart contracted in her chest.

'I hate the world that it gave me him, and then stole him from me,' Harry whimpered. 'I hate myself for being weak.'

'How are you weak?' she asked, surprised.

'I'm weak because I can't stop thinking about him,' he explained. 'I can't stop crying. I try, every day, to put on this face that the whole world sees - the Boy Who Lived, he's so brave and strong... But I can't be like that all the time...Sometimes, I just have to...'

'Let rip?' she suggested.

'Yeah,' he agreed.

'You don't have to put on a brave face for me, Harry,' Ginny said. 'Everyone cries once in a while for different reasons, so why not you?'

'It's a weakness,' Harry protested.

'No, it's not,' said Ginny firmly. 'It's a way of keeping yourself sane. I used to do it in first year with that bloody diary...and I've been doing a lot of it lately.'

'Why?' he asked, surprised.

'For you,' she confessed. 'For the fact that I loved you, and you didn't seem to realise it until we were back in school.'

'But I do love you,' he said.

'I know that now,' Ginny said with a laugh.

'Anyway, I thought you only liked me as a friend last June,' he added.

'Covering up things is a speciality of mine,' she said dryly.

Harry nodded and kissed her forehead again.

'Feel free to share anything with me, Harry, and I mean absolutely anything,' Ginny said. Her eyes were beginning to water and her lower lip quivered. 'I don't want you to ever feel like you can't speak to me if you're feeling afraid or hurt.'

'But I...' Harry trailed off, stumbling over his words and becoming impatient. 'I don't know, it's like I want to talk about it to you, but I'm worried that I'll, I don't know, scare you off because I'm so pissed off or freak you out because I'm so weepy all the time or because I just...I just love you so much.'

'Why would any of that scare me off?' she said patiently.

'Because people I love have a tendency to die horrible deaths,' Harry said, his voice as hard as stone.

'Oh, Harry...'

Ginny gathered him into her arms and held him close, his head resting against her chest while tears fell like silent rain from his eyes. She was afraid for him, and yes, even afraid of him and his anger, but she loved him, did she not? She wouldn't leave him like this. She would help him; she would see to it that he never had to feel this mad passion of rage again. She squeezed him tight and removed his glasses, carefully placing them beneath his pillow. She kissed his teary eyelids and lips, letting him feel her presence near him and around him.

'Ginny?'

'Yes, Harry?'

'Thanks.'

'Any time.'

They clung together on top of the blankets, and fell asleep in each other's arms.