The Three Little Pigs

A/N: Okay, I know that my fairytales aren't exactly accurate but the last time I heard them I was still sucking on a pacifier and pooping without warning (if I heard them at all). I'm doing my best so please bear with me. Okay, if you're trying to get a mental picture of my characters please don't; They look weird even to me so let's just say they are human with pig/wolf characteristics. Okay, here comes the cast again:

Three Little Pigs: Harry Hermione and Ron

(Ron is the stupid one-poor Ron-Harry is the dumb one and Hermione-of course-is the smart one)

Big Bad Wolf: (None other than) Draco Malfoy

(I'm narrating again)

**Okay; Lights, Camera, Action!!

Author: (clears throat) Once upon a time there were three little pigs who went out into the world to see what they could do with their lives. But first they needed to build houses to live in....

Hermione: We should really build houses to live in...

[Harry and Ron agree]

Author: So they all went and bought different supplies to build their houses. Ron bought hay, Harry bought sticks and Hermione bought bricks.

[After they all are done building their houses Ron looks his]

Ron: You know what, I'm sorry but I have to say that I have a lot more sense than this!

Author: [sighs] All you do is complain; just be happy that you're not some bum on the side of the road with nothing to do, okay? Besides, next time I promise it will be better

Ron: Okay, fine...I'm hungry......

[goes into house]

[10 minutes later the Big Bad Wolf walks down the street]

Draco: I still don't get it!! Why do I have to be the wolf again?!

Author: [sighs again] Look-there's the house, just shut up and knock so that I can have my embolism in peace

Draco: Fine, fine

[Draco goes up to the door of the hay house and knocks]

Draco: Little pig, little pig, let me in

Ron: [Opens the door a little] Oh, hello Mr. Carnivorous Wolf. You look hungry, do you want to come in and have a bite to eat?...

[Draco looks around and shrugs]

Draco: Sure

[Ron opens the door to let him in]

Author: Wait, wait!! I made you stupid, Ron, not an idiot!!!

Draco: Shut up! I'm about to get a free meal!

Author: I swear; Did you guys even look at the script?!?!

[Draco and Ron look at each other and avoid eye contact with the author]

[Suddenly Draco gets the sudden urge to sneeze]

Draco: Aaaaaahhhhhhhh, aaaaahhhhhh, aaaaahhhhhhcccccccchhhhhhhooooooo!!!!!!!!!!

[The force of the sneeze knocks Ron's house down and blows him over to Harry's house]

Draco: Damn these allergies!!

Author: What are you allergic to?

Draco: Hay

[Author rolls her eyes]

Draco: Oh well. Maybe Potter will sacrifice Weasley to save his house....

[Draco runs to Harry's stick house]

Draco: [Knocks on door] Hey Potter, open up!!

Harry: [from inside] Hey, that's not what you're suppose to say....

[Draco rolls eyes]

Draco: Sorry that I'm not so well-versed in the ways of the actor/script partnership thingy but it's kinda hard when the person who is writing the story doesn't even know what is happening next!

Author: Hey! Don't take it out on me, even I know what your line is! Now get to it!

Draco: [mumbles] Fine, fine...[clears throat] Little pig, little pig, let me in.

Harry: Not by the hairs on my chiny-chin-chin [giggles]

[Draco punches door]

Draco: What is so damn funny, Potter?!?

Harry: [Trying to stop giggling] Nothing, nothing

[Harry opens the door and Draco gets a whiff of the hay that is still attached to Ron.]

Draco: Good Potter, now hand over Weasley or I'll huff and I'll puff and blow your house down and all that good stuff

[Draco's nose twitches but Harry doesn't notice]

Harry: Listen Malfoy, if you want to come in your going to have to be little nicer--or at least buy me dinner first or something

Draco: I don't want to sleep with you Potter; I just want to eat you

[There is a pause as Draco hears his words and then shakes head to get the images out]

Draco: Now let me in or I'll--Aaaaahhhhhh, aaaaahhhhh, aaaaahhhhhcccccchhhhhhoooooo!!!!!!!

[This time the force of Draco's sneeze knocks both Harry and Ron out of Harry's stick house and into Hermione's brick one]

[Draco tumbles back, gets up and picks pieces of cheap, stage-prop wood out of his fur]

Author: Let me guess....the hay?....

Draco: No, actually, it was the cheap glue that Potter used to hold his crappy house together

Harry: [From far away] Hey!, I heard that!!

Draco: [to author] Now I have to walk all the way over to Granger's house just to get a decent meal?.....

Author: Yup....

Draco: How's that fair for me?....

Author: ....You'll get to eat all three of them

Draco: ........Cool........

[Draco walks to Hermione's brick house and knocks on the door]

Draco: Oy, Granger! Open this door and I'll blow your house down!!

Hermione: ....Isn't it supposed to be 'Open this door or I'll blow your house down'?.....

[Draco sighs and rolls his eyes, silently cursing the author for creating this sick demented world where he was surrounded by politically correct people and where he has hair growing out of his ears]

Draco: Whatever, just open up

Hermione: No, I don't think so

Draco: Come on, be a sport

Hermione: I don't want to

Draco: Come on

Hermione: No

Draco: I'll give you a book to read while I eat you.....

Hermione: ....................What kind of book............................

Harry and Ron: Hermione!!!!!

Hermione: [to Harry and Ron] Oh all right! [To Draco] No thank you. Now leave so that we can talk about how mean you are

Draco: [Grumbling] Alright, fine.....I think I have a dead rabbit buried around here anyways........

[Draco turns and walks away from brick house]

Author: Wait a second!! You aren't supposed to leave!!

Draco: I know. But I know what I'm suppose to do next and I don't want to

Author: But you have to

Draco: No, I don't. I just remembered: I have freewill

Author: I'll give you a cookie...........

Draco: [Glares at author]............................It better be a big one.............................

[Turns around and goes to the side of the brick house]

Author: What are you doing?....

Draco: [Hairy hand to furry chin] Shhhh!! I'm trying to find out the best way to climb up the side of the house......Okay, now let's see....The side of the house is parallel to the ground. The house is about 10 feet tall and has a shadow of 16 feet--

Author: Are you sure?

Draco: Shhh!!! Now if the equilateral of the sun is symmetrical to the quadrilateral of the house then the green of the grass is proportional to the blue of the sky.....

Author: How does that make any sense?!?! And what does it have to do with you climbing to the roof?!....

Draco: It doesn't; I'm just stalling....

Author: I'll turn you into a toad....Do you want that?....

Draco: Only if some long-haired, blond princess comes and kisses me.....

Author: I'll send Harry to kiss you if you don't climb that wall right now

Draco: Well.......

Author: For the love of crap!, just get up there!!

[Author makes a one-legged space chicken chase Draco up the side of the house]

Draco: [clinging to the wall and looking down in terror] Why do you have those things in all of you damned stories?!?!

Author: Because they get the job done; Now hop to it!!

[Draco climbs up wall]

Draco: There: Are you happy now?...

Author: Yup

[Draco slowly walks over to chimney where smoke has started to come out as a result of Hermione's cooking]

Draco: [looks down chimney and stares at the cauldron of boiling water that is sitting over the open flame that he is about to jump into] Do I have to?....

Author: [Patiently waiting] Yup

[Draco looks up at Author]

Draco: I'm sorry it had to come to this but....

[Pulls out a keyboard]

Author: [Frowning] Hey! Where did that come from?...

Draco: I bought it from a pink hippopotamus for a bag of magical beans

Author: Where did you get magical beans?...

Draco: I sold my diabolical scheme to take over the world using toothpaste to the purple monkey...

Author: I see...so, what are going to do with that keyboard

Draco: I am going to threaten you with taking over your stories if you make me go through with jumping down a smoke-spewing chimney and into a boiling cauldron of scalding water.

Author: I'm sorry but that's the way the actual story goes....

Draco: Hey!, in the last story you gave Potter the body of a god! Why can't you change the rules of the reality-universe for me!?

Author: Because life bites, that's why....And besides, it's funny whenever you get hurt....

Draco: But why?!

Author: I don't know....Maybe because you're the plucky comic relief?....

Draco: Fine, I didn't want to have it come to this but....

*There is a power-struggle using keyboards as rubber fighting chickens for about half an hour and some small wounds as a result of the Author's fork-wielding and Draco's wolf claws*

*After a very serious stab to the thumb*

Author: [Who was Draco until a few minutes ago] Ha!! Look at that!! Now instead of it saying 'Draco' whenever I talk it's going to say Author...And do you know why?....Because I'm cool....Now I can make you go down the chimney....

Draco: [Who was the author until a few minutes ago] I have a question: Why does it say your name instead of my own when I talk?....

Author: [confused] I don't know.....But at least I don't have to go down the chimney anymore

Draco: I am not going down that chimney and I resent the fact that people are going to get me confused with you if we keep on talking............

Author: Okay, then we should just end this story and stop talking. But, unlike you, who ends all her stories with the one-legged space chickens I am going to end this in a completely original and unthinkable way

[The Author who was previously Draco types on keyboard that apparently doesn't need to be plugged into a monitor and makes pink, three-legged vortex chickens appear]

Draco: {who was previously Author, remember} How is that original?!?! You just took my chickens and changed their color, origin, and number of limbs!!!

Author: Okay, so I'm not that creative....but hey!, at least I don't have to say anymore dumb lines....

Draco: But your mediocre.....I don't really know which is worse......

Author: I'm not mediocre.....I just lack the proper mental muses at the moment......

Draco: Which is why I had the keyboard up until a few minutes ago; before you stabbed me in the thumb with your freakishly long wolf-nail

Author: I don't really see a purpose to this story anymore; do you?.....

Draco: I haven't really seen a purpose since I started typing.....

Author: Okay, so then you won't object if I just abandon the whole 'fairytale retelling' concept for a minute and just make the chickens fight, do you?.....

Draco: No, no....by all means, go right ahead.....

[The Author Formerly Known as Draco quickly sets about making the green, one-legged space chicken and the pink, three-legged vortex chicken duke it out]

Author: How does your chicken do with blowtorches?...

Draco: Very well, I should think....

[Author types quickly and a blowtorch is given to each bird]

[Suddenly Draco jumps at the Author and beats him over the head with her shoe]

*A couple of minutes later....

Okay, I can give you the End-Author's note now that I have the keyboard back. I'm sorry that you had to be subjected to Draco's insanity....I'm sending him to therapy and the cast and I are coping. With the medication he is taking he should be fine (although the doctor told me I should stop stressing him out by giving furry parts in my plays I think he should be fine next time 'round) Now, if you'll excuse me I have to go pry the chickens apart before they burn something down.....