The Boy Who Cried 'Wolf!'

~*~

Author: There once was a boy who was a shepherd

Harry: [Looking at sheep standing next to him] What is this?

Author: That's a sheep.

Harry: Oh... what does it do?

Author: ...It doesn't do anything - it's a sheep.

[Sheep clings to Harry's leg]

Harry: If it isn't supposed to do anything, then what's it doing to my leg...?

Author: I think it's humping you...

Harry: Oh. Right.

[Walks over to tree in the middle of the pasture with sheep still attached]

Harry: I'm bored.

Author: How can you be bored when you have a sheep humping your leg...?

Harry: [seemingly not hearing Author] I know! I'll shout out 'wolf' and all the townspeople will come running thinking I've seen a wolf when I really haven't...

Author: ... How is that funny?!

Harry: [shrugging] I don't know... It just is...

Author: Well, you're not very creative, are you...?

Harry: Just watch - It'll be a lot more fun than watching a sheep hump my leg.

Author: But that's fun, too...

Harry: [clears throat] WOLF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Suddenly, townspeople pop out behind Harry]

Harry: Hey Ron, hey Hermione... where's the rest of the town?

Hermione: This is it; we're the town.

Harry: [to Author] Two people?! Two?!?! That's not a town that's the guest list for Neville's birthday party!!

Author: I'm sorry; we're on a very tight budget... I still have to pay the guy who sued me when you bit him.

Harry: Hey! I was provoked!! You saw the way he was looking at my taco. That was my taco!!

Ron: Uh, Harry... what's that sheep doing to your leg?

[Harry looks down at sheep, blushes and then looks up at Ron again]

Author: Alright, everyone back to the script.

Hermione: Did you see a wolf, Harry?

Harry: Nope.

Hermione: Then how come you screamed it out?

Harry: Because I thought it would be funny

Ron: You mean that you called us all the way out here and I had to put on this stupid, itchy costume for nothing?! [Scratches arm vigorously]

Harry: Yup.

Ron: [to Author] This is really stupid!! And why did you make me put on the stupid dress and bonnet again?!

Author: Uh... I didn't make you...

Ron: Oh, well... then, I'd better go change...

[Ron leaves]

Hermione: Alright, Harry, I'm going to go back now. Don't do that again.

[Hermione leaves]

Harry: Heehee!! What fun!!!

Author: Actually it's kinda boring... why don't you go egg a house or something?

Harry: No, no, no. I think I'll do this again...WOLF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Townspeople pop out behind Harry again]

Harry: Who are you guys? And where's Hermione and Ron?

Person #1: Well, I'm Ron's stunt double and this is Hermione's stunt double.

Harry: [to Author] How come Ron's stunt double is a girl and Hermione's is a guy? ...

Author: Tight budget, remember?

Harry: Well, then where are the original actors?

Person #2: Getting ready for the next scene.

Harry: [to Author again] How come they get stunt doubles and I don't? Does this mean they have their own dressing rooms?

Author: Just get on with the story!!

Harry: Fine.

Person #2: Did you see a wolf just now, Harry?

Harry: No.

Person #2: Then why'd you say you did?

Harry: Because it's funny.

Person #2: Didn't I already tell you not to do that?

Harry: No. Hermione told me not to do that. I've never talked to you in my life.

Person #2: Okay, didn't Hermione tell you not to do that again?

Harry: Yup

Person #2: Then why'd you do it? ...

Harry: [shrugging] I don't know; maybe because I'm a slacker without a cause?

Person #1: Hey, what's that sheep doing to your leg? ...

Harry: I don't know, but it's been doing it for a while now.

Author: I told you before: The sheep is humping your leg!!

Harry: [looking down at the sheep] No... I've had sheep hump my leg before, and if that's what this sheep is doing then he's doing it all wrong.

Author: When has a sheep humped your leg before? ...

Harry: Well, there was that one crazy night in Venice - Oh! And one time, at band camp, the sheep -

Author: Stop right there! I don't want to know anymore.

Person #2: Okay, so, Harry didn't see a wolf?

Harry: Nope.

Person #1: Okay, then we'll just be getting back to town now.

[Person #1 and 2 leave]

[Harry laughs]

Author: It really isn't that funny.

Harry: Yes it is.

Author: No it's not.

Harry: Yes it is.

Author: Alright, fine, it's funny - hey, what's that over there?

[Harry turns around and looks]

Harry: Oh, that's just a wolf

[Sheep starts humping faster and emitting tiny 'eeks' in fear]

[Wolf tip-toes over to the farthest sheep and grabs it]

Harry: Hey! Malfoy!! Get your grubby paws off my sheep!!

Draco: Potter! You're not supposed to know that it's me!!

Harry: What was supposed to throw me off, Malfoy? The fact that you have a tail or the tremendous amount of hair that seems to be growing uncontrollably off of your body?

Draco: Actually, the costume was supposed to do it.

[Harry notices for the first time that Draco is a red sequenced, extremely short dress and black, six-inch Stilettos]

Harry: Where did you get that?

Draco: I stole it from Weasley.

[Both look at Author]

Author: Don't look at me; I didn't give those to Ron.

Harry: It doesn't matter! Malfoy was about to steal my sheep and I can't let that happen.

Draco: Potter... you do know you have a sheep poorly shagging your leg senseless, right?

Harry: Yeah.

Draco: Oh, as long as you know...

Harry: Like I said, I can't let you take my sheep.

[Draco sits on the sheep he had tried to steal, keeping it out of Harry's reach]

Draco: Well what are you going to do about it, Potter? Huh? Are you gonna fight me? 'Cause I'm all for that. Let's go, come on... I could kill you with my thumb, you know...

Harry: I'm not going to fight you, Malfoy, but I am going to tell on you!

[Harry runs to end of pasture]

Harry: [yelling to town] Malfoy is trying to steal my sheep!!!

Somebody-Undistinguishable-From-Town: [sounding far away] That's not the line!!

Harry: [rolls eyes] Fine...Wolf, wolf, somebody come quick with a lawsuit Malfoy is trying to steal my sheep!!!

[Ron and Hermione come into pasture]

Hermione: Harry! Didn't we tell you not to yell 'wolf' anymore?! We all know you're lying; it's not funny anymore - in fact, it never was!

Harry: But there really is a wolf this time, I promise!

Ron: Just give it up mate; we don't believe you...

Harry: Ron, what the hell are you wearing?!

[Everyone looks at Ron who is dressed in a tight, black miniskirt and a bright green tube-top with high-heels]

Ron: Oh... uh... I borrowed them from Hermione's secret stash of night clothes...

[All look at Hermione]

Hermione: [looking for a sudden change of subject] There is no wolf!!

Harry: Yes there is - he's standing right over there!

[Points to Draco]

[Hermione and Ron look]

Draco: Hey Weasley... looking good...

Ron: Thanks.

Hermione: [to Harry] That's not a wolf, that's just Malfoy.

Harry: Exactly! A wolf is trying to steal my sheep! Malfoy is that wolf!!

Ron: [looking at Malfoy] 'Wolf' no... Maybe an overly hairy dog... but not a wolf... Hey, wait a minute...are those my clothes?!

Harry: If somebody doesn't do something about my sheep I'm going to take my shoe and beat everyone to death with it!!

Hermione: Harry, calm down, it's just one sheep... besides; I think this one loves you a lot more...

[Points to sheep still humping Harry's leg]

Harry: [looking at sheep] I guess. But still, it's not fair. That's my sheep!

Ron: Come on, Harry, feel sorry for the poor guy - I mean look at him! If you had that much body hair I'd give you five sheep!!

Draco: Hey, I'm not that hairy, am I?

Harry: [as if Draco hadn't spoken] You're right... [Whispers to Ron] Do you think I should give him another one?

Draco: Hey! I heard that!!

Ron: [ignoring what Draco is saying but looking at him] I dunno... It looks like it'd take a pretty big sheep to make him more self-conscious.

Draco: What is that supposed to mean?!

Hermione: [ignoring what Draco is saying also] Maybe you should just give him the whole bloody pasture...

Draco: Come on!! It's not that bad, is it?!

Harry: [finally bringing Draco into the conversation] Well, you are pretty hairy... I mean, damn! I wouldn't even want to come outside in daylight looking like that!!

Draco: [indignantly] Well, some people seem to find me endearing; like a great big teddy bear you could say.

Hermione: [scoffs] Please... I hope whoever you've 'endeared' knows how to flea-dip.

Draco: I do not have fleas!

Hermione: Yeah, and Ron 'didn't' wear fishnet stockings and a Mrs. Claus outfit last year for Christmas...

Draco: [turns to Ron] Did you really?

Ron: [looking at a flea pop in and out of Draco's hairy arm] I don't know, you tell me...

Author: All right, everyone back to the script!! The sheep, remember?

Draco: Right Potter. I'll tell you what: I'll give you some great tips on grooming in exchange for this sheep that I'm sitting on here and I'll even take the horny one off your hands... sounds like a deal?

Harry: [thoughtfully] Hmmm...I don't know...I've gotten pretty attached to the horny one...

Draco: Aww, come off it, Potter; I'm really hungry.

Harry: Still don't know...

Draco: Okay Potter, you drive a hard bargain - but I think I've got something that will make everyone happy... you give me the sheep, and I'll give you this bag of magical beans.

[Sticks hand in pocket and produces a small purple bag]

Ron: Uhh... wrong story, Malfoy.

Draco: Oh, right, sorry... [Shrugs] Okay, then I guess I got nothing...

[Suddenly the sheep Draco is sitting on shudders and then falls over]

{It is dead before it hits the ground}

[Harry, Hermione, Ron and Draco gather around it]

Hermione: ...I think you killed it!!

Draco: Okay, new deal: I take the dead sheep and you pretend this never happened...

[Sticks hand out to Harry to shake]

[Harry looks at it and ponders the meaning of life]

Ron: Don't do it, Harry! I've heard of people who have made deals with hairy wolf-men and have been magically whisked away on a romantic trip for two to Paris only to be left all alone in a four-star hotel suite with a loaf of bread and a jar of peanut butter but no jelly!!

Draco: I don't know who you've been talking to, Weasley, but that is totally untrue; we wolf-men usually tend to leave people all alone in five-star hotel suites with cigarettes but no lighter after having sex with them for three straight hours...

Ron: Okay, your wolf-men are a lot nicer than mine...

Draco: [to Harry] So, what do you say, Potter?

Harry: But I get to keep the horny one, right?

Draco: [rolls eyes] Yes, Potter, you get to keep the horny one.

Harry: Cool.

[Shakes Draco's hand]

Draco: All right, so then, I guess I'll just be taking this... [Picks up dead sheep and throws it over shoulder] And you all will forget I was ever here...Tootles!

[Draco leaves]

Harry: [After a couple of minutes of confused quietness] ...What are we doing in a field?

Hermione: ...I don't know; I can't remember anything...

Ron: Hey, Harry...what's that sheep doing to your leg?

Harry: [looking at sheep] I don't know... Ron, why are dressed like a hooker?

Ron: ... Oh, am I?... Gee I hadn't realized...

[Harry, Hermione, and Ron stand around and don't talk]

Harry: Okay... This is really awkward...

Hermione: So...did anyone hear about that big... rabbit... yesterday...

Ron: Um, no...

[All three stand around and avoid eye contact]

Harry: I better get going before....Whoa, what's that!?!?!

[Points to sky]

[Hermione and Ron turn quickly and look up]

[Harry runs away]

[After a couple of seconds Ron and Hermione turn back]

Hermione: Hey! Where'd Harry go?

Ron: I don't know, but he took his sheep with him...

Hermione: Oh...

[The two stand around awkwardly]

Hermione: So... I took out my garbage yesterday...

Ron: Oh, really?

[Draco suddenly comes back into pasture]

Draco: Okay, I didn't think you guys would take it so literally... Hey, where'd Potter go?

Ron: He took his horny sheep and left.

Draco: So the rest are up for grabs? Cool!

[Draco walks around pasture and picks up all the sheep he can carry then walks away humming]

[Suddenly, Draco trips over his tail and falls over a cliff]

Ron: When did that cliff get there?

Hermione: Beats me...

Draco: [at bottom of cliff] I'm okay!! I just need someone to help me up and I'll be fine!!

[Ron and Hermione look at the sky and pretend that they didn't hear anything]

Draco: Just a little help will be fine... Come on, I promise I won't groom myself in front of you anymore!!

Ron: [looking at watch] I wonder where Harry is...

Draco: [still at bottom of cliff] Oh, hey Potter.

Harry: [at bottom of cliff, too] Malfoy?! What are you doing down here?

Draco: Well, you see, I tripped and rolled rather painfully down the side of a very steep hill that I thought had grass but it was really just tiny, pointy sticks painted green...

Harry: Oh, okay... are those my sheep?!

Draco: ...No... Geez, Potter, how long has that sheep been humping you?!

Harry: Don't know.

Draco: It doesn't bother you that he's been doing it since the beginning of the story and that he's been doing it all wrong?

Harry: Yeah... but I know it could be a lot worse.

Draco: No, I don't think it could...

Harry: Shut up, Malfoy; you'll jinx it!!

Draco: Oh, come on, you don't really believe in that do you?! Hey, what's that sheep doing?

Harry: Now look what you've gone and done, Malfoy!! Look, here comes another one! And another one!! And--okay, now that's too many... Malfoy, get them off!!!

Draco: [laughing evilly] No, I don't think I will...

[Ron and Hermione run to edge of cliff and look over at Draco and Harry]

[They see Malfoy walking away, laughing and Harry trying to fight his way of a mosh-pit of sheep, all of who are trying to hump his legs and arms]

Hermione: Oh, no... not again...

Ron: Wow... that's a lot of sheep.

[Harry can be heard in the background cussing and yelling discriminating things at the sheep]

Hermione: [sighing] I guess we're going to have to call that janitor with the big broom again.

Ron: Great... there goes my weekend.

*~*

A/N: All right, hope you enjoyed! I've had this on my computer for a really long time, I've just been too lazy to post it (Bad Trouble, Bad!) Three Little Chickens is next (or something along those lines...) Anyways, please review...I need the attention...*puts head down on keyboard and cries*...