Hansel and Gretel

A/N: Okay, yet another addition to the Hairy/Dragon Fables. This one may be a little on the weirder side, seeing as how I finished it at, like, three o'clock in the morning (just like the Three Little Pigs one). Read, review, recommend, and all that good stuff; I'm shallow and need the approval...so sad...Okay, characters:

Harry-Hansel

Hermione-Gretel

Ron-No One Important

Draco-(of course) The Witch

~*~

Author: [opens the 'Big Book' that she is always carrying around] 'One day Hansel, Gretel, and their anonymous friend were walking in the forest.'

Harry: Hansel--Do you think that's Russian?

Hermione: I'd say Swedish...

Ron: Hey, how come I don't get one of those snazzy screen names?

Author: Because you're not important in this story.

Ron: Why not?

Author: Because there were only three characters that I could remember and they were filled, so your character really has no reason for being there, ergo it has no importance.

Ron: Oh....can someone tell me they love me?...

Author: They don't have any time: They have to find the house.

Harry: What house?

Author: The cheese house.

Hermione: A cheese house in the forest?

Author: Yes, and you have to look for it. So hop to it! You'll know when you get near it because of the stench.

[All wander aimlessly through the forest]

Ron: So I'm really not important?

Author: Nope.

Ron: Then why am I here?

Author: I couldn't separate you three! Then there wouldn't be any Harry Potter at all!!

Ron: [hopefully] So then you're saying that I'm the glue that holds it all together? Ha!! I knew it!!!

Author: ....No, I think Hermione is that glue that holds it all together. I'd say you were the horse that made the glue that holds it all together.

Ron: [dully] Oh joy...

Harry: Hey! What about me? The stories are named after me! Shouldn't I be the glue?!...

Hermione: [gently] Hush, Harry, you're just jealous.

Harry: I am not--Hey, what's that smell?

Hermione: I don't know, but it smells like hundred year old, dead skunk...

Ron: Or really sweaty feet...

Author: It's neither. You've found the witch's cheese house.

Ron: Why does it smell so horrible?

Author: Well, let's see; it's a house made entirely out of cheese and has been sitting out in the hot sun for a very long time...

Hermione: Shouldn't the house be made out of candy?

Author: No.

Hermione: Are you sure?

Author: Yes. Now go knock on the door.

Ron: But it smells....

Author: Go knock on the door or I'll turn you all into squirrels.

Ron: [hopefully] Squirrels who were tragically born without a sense of smell?...

Author: No...squirrels that were bred for catapulting into cheese houses.

Harry: They actually breed animals for that type of thing?

Hermione: Isn't that kind of...inhumane?...

Author: It's either that or a dog who can't stop licking himself...

Harry: ...Any other options?...

Author: You could knock on the door...

[All-reluctantly-walk up the cheese sidewalk and knock on the cheese door]

Ron: No one's home...

Author: Try the door-bell.

[Harry pushes door-bell and they can faintly hear 'La Cucaracha' playing inside the house]

[Door opens to reveal Draco Malfoy standing in doorway wearing a yellow chemical suit, a Halloween witch's nose and holding a rubber chicken]

Harry: Malfoy?!...

Draco: [flourishing chicken] What do you want, Potter, I'm kinda busy at the moment.

Ron: Uh, Malfoy...What are you wearing?!

Draco: [very disgruntled] I live in a cheese house, Weasley. Something's got to keep the smell off...

Hermione: Well, are you going to let us in or are we going to stand out here all day?...

[Harry and Hermione suddenly look like pork chops when Draco looks at them]

Draco: [smiles evilly] Of course you can come in...

[Harry and Hermione happily go inside cheese house]

Ron: [skeptically, still at door] Wait a minute...I don't think--

Draco: Shut up, Weasley! Let the appetizers come in.

Ron: You said appetizers!

Draco: No I didn't...

Ron: Yes, yes you did!--You want to eat Harry and Hermione!!

Draco: All I've eaten since I've moved into this house is cheese, Weasley! Of course I want to eat them!!

Ron: Well, Malfoy, I guess I'm going to have to stop you!...

Draco: [scoffs] Please, Weasley. How are you going to stop me?...You're not even a character in this story! [closes door on Ron leaving him outside]

[Draco walks over to the table where Harry and Hermione are sitting]

Harry: [looking around] So...Malfoy...This is a nice place you got here...Very...smelly...

Hermione: Uh, Malfoy...why are you wearing a fake nose?

Draco: Because, Granger; I'm a witch. And the author says that everyone needs to be in character all the time. And, let's face it, you would never believe that behind this beautiful face is an ugly witch. [Quickly changes subject] So, you guys want some...cheese...or something?

Harry: Um...no, thank you.

Draco: Come on. How am I supposed to eat you if you're all just skin and bones?...

Hermione: What?!

Draco: Um...nothing. Is it just me or is it cold in here? Do you guys want to go somewhere warmer...say, the oven?...

Harry: ....No...we're good here...

Draco: [angrily] You know what?! Just go into the oven! I'm going to eat you both and raw human flesh has a funny after-taste!

Hermione: [shocked] You're going to what?!?

Draco: Eat you. Now get into the pot before I start beating you with my rubber chicken! [waves chicken warningly]

[Harry and Hermione get into pot and Draco starts looking for spices and vegetables]

Hermione: Is that alcohol instead of broth, Malfoy?

Draco: Yes, it is.

Harry: [sitting down in pot] I can't believe you're going to do this Malfoy, it's so...disgusting--Ow!

Hermione: [sitting down in pot, too] What happened?

Harry: [moves to one side and searches bottom of pot] Carrot...

[Draco starts humming 'What A Girl Wants']

Hermione: Malfoy, you should know, I'm allergic to garlic.

[Draco puts a little bottle back into the cupboard]

Draco: [to Author] I don't get it! Why do I have to be the witch when Granger's in this story?! The bloody nose itches...

Author: Because...who would play Gretel?

[Draco shrugs and walks over to pot. Puts spices into it]

Harry: Where'd you get this huge pot, Malfoy?

Draco: I bought it at 'The Extremely Small Store That Sells Ridiculously Large Things' shop.

[Walks over to oven]

Draco: Now, how to fit you in?...

Hermione: [whispers to Harry] Well, I guess this is it. But I should tell you something before we get slowly boiled to death in a humongous pot of Smirnoff...I...I was the one who ate your taco the other day!!

Harry: I knew it!!

[Suddenly, Ron walks into kitchen]

Draco: Weasley!? What the hell are you doing here?!

Ron: If you are going to try to keep me out of your house, Malfoy, you could at least lock your door...

Hermione: Ron! Ron, help us!!

Author: Sorry, but Ron can't do that.

Harry: What?

Author: As an illegitimate character in this book, Ronald Weasley cannot purposely poke, punch, grab, graffle, shake, hit, kick, throw, move, lift, bite, beat, or heave anything and/or body that will intervene with the outcome of this story.

Ron: How about a friendly slap?...

Author: [consults 'Book on what to do when you have an extra character in your story'] Nope.

[Draco laughs evilly]

Harry: Then how are we supposed to get out of here?!

Author: [shrugs] Dunno...

Draco: You're just going to have to get boiled slowly until you begin to cook from the inside out and take it like a man, Potter.

Hermione: [to Author] Help us!!

Author: I could...[smiles evilly in a very good impersonation of Draco Malfoy] but it'll cost you...Muhahaha, muhahahahaha, MUHAHAHAHA--*coughs and sputters, then dramatically falls on the floor and tragically dies*

[Everyone looks at Author lying on floor]

Draco: Drat...I just cleaned my floors...

Ron: Do you have anything to eat, Malfoy? I'm starving.

Draco: Well, I got Provolone, and then there's some Blue, and, oh yeah, I have a little Monterrey left...

Ron: What is that?

Draco: It's cheese, Weasley! Get cultured!!

[Author suddenly jumps up]

Author: Muhahaha, MUHAHAHAHAHAHA....ha....[Author looks around] So...what's everyone doing?

Draco: I'm still trying to figure out how Potter and Granger are going to fit in my oven...

Author: Oh, okay *dies again*

Draco: Wait a minute! I just remembered my hat!

Harry: [still in pot] What, Malfoy?

Draco: I'm a witch, right? So, then, where's my hat?! [Looks at dead Author lying on the floor] you screwed me over! [Starts kicking Author] How can I [kick] be a witch [kick] with a nose [kick] but no hat?! [kick kick]

Harry: Um, Malfoy?...

Draco: And this is for putting me in a dress in the Goldilocks! [kick] And for making me eat Weasley in Little Red Riding Hood!! [kick] And for making me go down that chimney!!! [kick kick kick]

[Author begins to snore]

Draco: [straightening yellow chemical suit and rearranging his nose] Well...guess I showed her...[walks over to oven and opens the door to look inside]

Ron: Hey, Malfoy, I think you got a hole in one of your walls. [walks over to wall]

Draco: Weasley, just stay right there; everything's all nice and orderly--you're going to shit everything up!...

Ron: I just want to look out the hole...[walks past Draco and trips over his tail]

[While tripping, Ron pushes Draco into the oven]

[The over door slams shut]

Ron: [stops walking] ...Oops...

Hermione: Ron...you killed him!...

[The three look around the kitchen]

[Author is still lying on floor, dead, and Draco is knocking on the oven door]

Harry: We should leave before the police or something get here...

Ron: Where did that tail come from?...

Draco: [rapping on door from inside oven] Uh...a little help here...

[Harry and Hermione step out of the pot]

Harry: Ah, shoot; I'm all pruny...

Ron: [continues walking to wall] I don't get it! How can Malfoy live in a cheese house that has a hole in the wall?! I wonder what's out there...[puts face close to wall and peers through hole]

[A possum suddenly jumps at the hole from the other side of the wall and hisses, trying to scratch its way through the tiny hole]

Possum: Feed me....

Ron: [stumbles back] Holy shit! That thing's the size of a dingo!!

Draco: [from inside oven] Ha!

Harry: [walking towards the door] Come on, guys. Lets get back to Hogwarts; I have a sudden urge for an omelet and a bottle of Smirnoff...[walks out door]

[Hermione follows]

[Ron walks after them then stops to quickly gather cheese from the walls and shove it into his pockets, then follows after the others]

Draco: [still in oven] Hey, Weasley! That was part of my house!...Uh, are you guys just going to leave me in here?...Come on. I just got out of prison and had to get an annulment from a fat skin-head named Bubba....Do you know hard it is to get an annulment when you're somebody's bitch?! I want to enjoy my new-found freedom!...Hey!, it's kinda hot in here...guys? [continues to knock on oven door]

[Possum finally squeezes through the hole in the wall and lands with a plop! on the floor]

[Pulls a top hat, tap shoes and cane out of a...pocket...them clears throat]

Possum: [begins to tap-dance and sing in a baritone while cheap, corny music begins to play in the background] 'Hello my honey,

hello my darling,

hello my rag-time gal.

Send me a kiss by wire,

baby my hearts on fire!

If you refuse me,

honey you loose me,

then you'll be left alone.

Oh baby, telephone,

and tell me I'm your owwwn'!! [takes off hat and flourishes cane theatrically]

[Possum exits cheese house]

Draco: [in oven] ....Okay, that was just weird!! Come on, you guys! You can't just leave me in here! It's really hot!!...[to Author] You're not going to leave me in the oven, are you?

[Stage lights go out and a door slams]

Draco: [begins to sing] 'I'm all alone,

there's no one here beside me.

My problems have all gone,

there's no one to deride me!'...I'm going to sic Bubba on you all...

*~*

A/N: Okay, if you can't tell, I finished this one very late in the night again...scary things pop out of my head at three thirty in the morning....When I thought of the possum, I thought of that one scene in Spaceballs (which is an excellent movie and I suggest you watch it if you ever get the chance) where they are eating in that gas station and that one guy gets sick and then that weird little alien thing pops out of his stomach and starts dancing on the table singing that song....It's not as weird as it sounds, honestly...Please review; it makes my day...