Goldilocks and the Three... Chickens?

Goldilocks and the three...chickens?...

~*~

Author: [gets Big Book of Fairytales out and starts to red from it] 'There once were three chickens who lived in the woods.'

Hermione: [raises hand] Umm...why are we chickens?...

Author: Because chickens were all I could get this time of year! Don't you know bears hibernate during the winter?! Now let me narrate.

Hermione: Okay....

Harry: [whispers to Ron] Does she know it's almost summer?...

[Ron shrugs]

Author: 'One morning they were eating breakfast.'

Ron: Hey! My porridge is too cold...

Hermione: Stop complaining and eat...[spoons up some of her porridge and sticks it in her mouth] [Immediately spits it out] Oww!! That's hot!!!

Ron: Heehee...

Harry: [eating porridge] I don't know what you guys are complaining about...this is great...

Ron: [pushes bowl away] Well, I can't eat this; it tastes like frozen crap--

Author: Hey! I made that!!

Hermione: So then what do we eat? It's been scientifically proven that a chicken's most important meal of the day is breakfast...

Harry: Who proved that?....

Hermione: [uncomfortably] I don't know....a....chicken....scientist....

Author: All right, since you all are too good for my crappy porridge, why don't you look for something in the forest?

Ron: That sounds like a good idea. Come on, everyone; lets go.

[All get up and walk out the door]

Harry: What's the difference between porridge and oatmeal?...

Hermione: [excitedly] Well, oatmeal is a meal-or porridge-made out of rolled or ground oats and porridge is a meal of grains or legumes boiled in water or milk.

Harry: Okay...I didn't really want to know...

Ron: What the hell is a legume?...

Hermione: Well-

Harry: Don't ask her anymore questions!

Ron: How do you know so much about porridge?

Hermione: I had to do a report on it.

Harry: You had to do a report on porridge?...

Hermione: [nodding head] Yup, for my cooking class.

Ron: You're taking a cooking class?...

Hermione: ....All right, I got bored one day!! What's with the third-degree; why don't you just shine a light in my eyes!?!....

Harry: You need a life...

Ron: [looking around outside] So, what do you all want to eat?

Hermione: I don't know about but I have the sudden urge for scratch...

Harry: Yeah, me too. And eggs.

[Ron and Hermione look at Harry]

Harry: What? They don't have to be bird eggs...I could go for lizard...

Hermione: That's sick.

Ron: Where are we going to find a lizard in the forest Harry?

Harry: Lizards live in the forest.

Ron: No, they don't.

Harry: Yes, they do!

Author: [shaking head] Anyways 'On the other side of the forest, back at the three...chicken's house.'

Draco: [walking along in forest] 'Oh baby, baby,

How was I supposed to know

That something wasn't right here--

Author: [clears throat loudly] I said, 'Back at the three chicken's house!!'...

Draco: Oh, right. [dully] 'Gee, I really am hungry and sleepy. I wish there was somewhere here in the middle of the forest where I could rest and eat. Wait. What is this? A house? Yay.'

Author: ...You know, you could put a little spunk into it.

Draco: I could...but that'll cost you extra.

Author: Just go into the house.

Draco: I can't do that! That's breaking and entering! It's against the law.

Author: Since when has breaking the law ever stopped you?

Draco: Hey, I don't do minor offenses...

Author: Look, if you don't go in we're just going to stand here and look stupid and the readers are going to leave because they'll think you're a big wuss!!

Draco: Fine, but you should know; I object.

Author: [shakes head sadly] You're not in court yet, and even if you were you wouldn't get to say that...

Draco: No no, I object to wearing this stupid, blonde, girly wig and this God-awful pink dress.

Author: You're Goldilocks!! And look at the bright side: at least you don't have a snout anymore...

Draco: Yeah, but I'm a girl now...and this dress doesn't really go with these shoes....

Author: [scoffs] You're such a wuss!

Draco: Yeah, well, you're mean! [goes into house and slams door behind him]

[Inside house]

Author: You can't get away from me, you know. I'm the author; I'm everywhere...

Draco: That's kinda scary...

Author: Yeah, I know.

Draco: Okay, I'm in the house. Now what do I do?

Author: [shrugs] Kick back, relax...eat some porridge...

Draco: Okay.

[Sits down at table and eats porridge]

[Spits it out]

Draco: Oh my God! That must be how evil tastes!!

Author: It's not that bad, is it?!

Draco: [falls on floor and twitches] Will to live...slowly seeping away....

Author: [rolls eyes] Food does not do that to you....

Draco: [still on floor] Well, your food does.

Author: It does not!

Draco: It does so; the same thing happened to me last week with your cookies, remember?...

Author: [defensively] That wasn't my fault! The batter was green and it smelled funny!

Draco: The why'd you use it?!

Author: We're getting way off topic here. Aren't you supposed to go lay down in the beds now?...

Draco: I don't know what Big Willie told you, but it's a thousand dollars an hour and extra if you want me to wear one of those snazzy coconut bras, but you have to supply it.

[After a long moment] Author: [to readers] If you'll excuse me ladies and gentlemen, I have go poke out my mind's eye...

[Ron suddenly pops into the house]

Ron: How much if you toss in the grass skirt and hula dance?...

Author: Get out of this scene!!!

[Ron leaves]

Draco: You're scaring off business!!

Author: That's just weird!! Now get back to the script before I go insane and start biting the stunt chickens we have in the back!!

Draco: ...You still want me to put on the bra and skirt?...

Author: No!!....Maybe later....

Draco: [shrugging] You're the boss. Now, where'd you say those beds?...

Author: Up the stairs, hang a right, first door to your left.

[Draco proceeds up the stairs then stops halfway]

Draco: You're not coming?

Author: I'll be there in a minute, I have to...count...things...

Draco: [frowning] All right

[Climbs the rest of the stairs and goes down the hallway]

[Author goes over to table once Draco is out of sight]

[Looks around to make sure no one is watching then picks up bowl of porridge]

[Author sniffs cautiously and then picks up a little in a spoon and eats it]

Author: [to herself] It's not that bad...a little crunchy but still enjoyable....

Draco: [from somewhere upstairs] Uh, a little help...

Author: [rolling eyes] What's wrong now?

Draco: I think I'm lost...

Author: [sighing] Where are you?

Draco: In a room that's pink. It smells funny, too.

Author: Get out of that room and take a left.

Draco: Okay. Hey! This isn't the hallway I was walking down!

Author: Once you get to the second door on your left's right knock on it three times, tap your heels together twice and say, "Banana Hammock".

Draco: All right, hold on...

[Author waits by table and hears scuffling overhead made by Draco and finally the squeak of a door being opened]

[Mouse comes out to stand on table]

Mouse: Squeak...

[Mouse leaves]

Draco: Hey, when did you get a purple, flying elephant?

Author: Oh, sorry, wrong door. It's the one on your right's left.

Draco: The bright red one that says 'This is the door that leads to the three chicken's beds' and has all the lights and banners around it?...

Author: ....Yes.

Draco: Are you sure?

Author: Almost positive...

[Draco opens door and goes over to beds]

Author: [to Draco] Okay, you wait there. I have to go check on my chickens.

[Author twitches nose an is suddenly in the forest]

Harry: Lizards do live in the forest!!

Ron: No, they don't!!

Hermione: [excitedly] Look everyone! I just laid a square egg!!!

[Ron and Harry look]

Ron: Show off...

Harry: Can I eat it?...

Hermione: No!!

Harry: Why not?

Hermione: Because!....It controls the weather....

Ron: Hey look, the Author's back!

Author: Okay, here's the 411 for the 22-10 that's going down at the 33-15...

Hermione: ....What?....

Author: To make a long story short; a cross dressing Draco Malfoy is asleep in Harry's bed.

Ron: Actually, to make a long story short you just don't tell it...

Author: Did you not hear what I just said? It doesn't concern you in the least?

Ron: As a matter of fact, I have a feather jammed in my ear so I only caught just about every other word. I heard, "Dressing Malfoy hotdog asleep bed"...

Author: Hotdog? I didn't say anything about a hotdog....

Harry: Did someone say cheeseburger?...

Author: All right! Everyone back to your house so that we can get on with the story!

[Ron, Harry and Hermione trudge back to their house]

*[Once everyone is back in the house]

Ron: [at table] Hey! Who's been eating my porridge? All of it's gone!

Author: [avoids eye contact] I don't know what you're talking about....

Hermione: [ already upstairs] Eeeeeekkkkkkkk!!!!!!!!! There's a cross dressing Draco Malfoy asleep on Harry's bed!!!

Author: [whispers to self] No one ever listens to me...]

[Author, Harry and Ron run upstairs]

[In bedroom:]

Harry: What's the deal, Malfoy? We could have you arrested for breaking and entering...

Author: You might not want to do that,though...

Ron: Why not?

Author: Because he's a really big wuss...

Draco: I am not!!

Author: [to Draco] Look! Do you want to become somebody's bitch? 'Cause you won't last a minute in prison--especially the way your dressed....

Draco: It's the shoes, isn't it?...

Hermione: You should arrest him. I'd like to see him married to a fat skin-head named Bubba...

[Two policemen come out of nowhere and take Draco by the arms]

Author: [to Draco as the policemen lead him out of the room] Sorry, Draco. I tried to stop them. Just remember not to bend over while you're in the shower....

[After Draco is gone]

Ron: What do we do now?

Hermione: I don't know but I'm still hungry.

Harry: Who's up for Buffalo Wings?...

Author: 'And so the three little chickens lived happily ever after--except for Harry, who's unfortunate taste for chicken eventually led him to poultry -cannibalism. Luckily, Hermione's square egg proved effective in not only controlling the weather, but also quenching Harry's near-fatal attraction to omlettes.'

*~*