Paint and Fate Ripples

I'll tell you a secret, but you have to promise not to tell.

Promise?

*

*

Everyone knows Remus was a werewolf. But he was only a gentle boy; a gentle boy concealing a raging wolf inside. The kindness, generosity, and charm he showed everyone was partly real, but only partly. Mostly atonement for the pent up ferocity inside. Remus always felt it was God's little joke that the white, pure, shining moon unleashed a beast. Remus was the pure moon and the pernicious monster. Remus couldn't control the wolf, and so (no one knew) he controlled his personality. He presented the moon to the world and hid the wolf. And sometimes, when you control yourself so much that you really have no control at all, you go crazy and fall victim to the evil within. So something needs to come out, leak through the cracks in your defense, the holes in your moon's cheese.

Remus was smart. Remus knew this.

So he painted. He painted everything. The sunset with violent, swirling colors. James's face after he caught the Snitch. A butterfly's fluttering shadow.

The only thing he never, ever painted was Lily Evans.

*

*

"Hello, my Remus!" Lily says playfully, poking him in the back. She's snuck up behind him, painting the lake with his back to a big oak tree.

"Oh! Hi, Lily," he says. He turns around, but looks down to hide his smile at seeing her - his shameful happiness.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing. The sky is blue and the sun is shining, why would anything be wrong?" He doesn't mean to sound sarcastic.

"Remus Lupin, are you pouting?" Lily teases.

"I'm a werewolf. Werewolves do not pout." He tries to laugh, but it's only a grimace.

"But boys do! That's a beautiful painting, by the way. The water looks like its moving."

"Thank you." He glances up and smiles, then gulps when they lock eyes; that was a mistake.

"Why don't you ever paint me?" She's pleading.

"I've told you I can't."

"Why not?! Am I that ugly that I take away your inspiration?"

Remus laughs. "Drama queen."

"Remus!" Lily injects as much anger as she can into his name, pouts and crosses her arms.

Remus shrugs, looking away from her, across the Hogwarts grounds. Sunlight is dancing on waving green grass, cotton candy clouds are decorating cerulean sky, laughter drifts from groups of students.

"Why can't you paint me?" she asks impatiently.

"You won't understand."

"Try me."

"Because sometimes something is impossible to paint. Because I can't paint you and make a masterpiece, since you're already a masterpiece. Because you can't be improved, Lily, and you can't even be recreated." He says it impulsively, unthinkingly. Lily freezes still a moment.

"You're like your stupid painting. You're like water," she snaps.

"What?"

"You're always moving, never in the same place. Yesterday you told me to go out with James, and today you tell me you love me!"

She sounds frustrated, Remus thinks, but - could that be a tinge of relief? "I didn't say that," he replies automatically.

"Oh yes you did."

"I did not!"

"Yes, you did, Remus Lupin, and what's more I love you too!" Her cheeks flush and her eyes spark emeralds.

"Then why are you dating James?" Slowly.

"Because you told me to, and you're always right."

"I am? ...I am."

"I thought you didn't feel the same way. I thought I was ridiculous for ever thinking - ever hoping..." Lily's voice breaks off, tears in her green eyes sparkling. Remus can't think when he looks at those eyes.

"I do!" he says quickly, unable to bear seeing her in pain. "But I can't, don't you see? Everyone sees. It's you and James, Lily and James, Lily Potter."

"You're not making any sense." She's angry again.

"He's my best mate," Remus attempts, and it sounds so inadequate.

"Love is worth fighting for."

"Oh Lily, I'm fighting for it in more ways than you can imagine."

"You're just pretending."

"Drop it, please," Remus says, and Lily knows it won't ever happen.

They're silent a long time, willing the past ten minutes out of their minds, wishing it never happened.

Or perhaps wishing it would happen again, and again, until the ending came out right.

Finally, Remus speaks up. "Look, the sun is still shining, isn't it beautiful? Let's go swimming in the lake, like last year. Remember?"

She takes a deep breath, considers, decides to be brave. "Okay. Best friends?" Lily looks down at her hands. Remus tries to smile.

"Best friends."

*

*

And there was nothing Remus could do, because you can't argue with Fate. Lily didn't believe in Fate; she thought people created Fate, Fate didn't create people. And so she was skeptical, and Fate sidled through the door and snuck up behind her before she knew it. And Remus knew all this, and he loved her, but he controlled it, his love and his hate, Lily and the wolf. What Remus didn't know was that he played right into Fate's hands. And he didn't know the great irony, the huge flipside, the paradox. Fate created Lily and James so they could create Harry, who in turn would create the fate of the wizarding world. An intricate weaving web of fate and people, and he thought he could control it. By changing one emotion, one couple, one moment, he could ripple the web and change fate. Because it's a watery web, always moving, always changing. And he gave himself up for it.

So he painted. Until the day he died.

"Hello, best friend!" Lily greeted Remus.

"Hi, Lily." Remus smiled. He noted the sparkle in her bright green eyes and the extra bounce in her step. "Date went well?"

"Well? Well?" repeated Lily dreamily. "Did you know that James has read Shakespeare? And he's exceptionally proficient at quoting the ...whatever sonnet?"

"So he recited love poetry to you, then."

"If you had told me that two weeks ago, I would have laughed in your face," Lily grinned.

"I always knew James had hidden depths. Very, very hidden depths." Remus tried to laugh at his own joke, but could only manage a weak chuckle.

"Is everything all right? You look a little peaky." Lily peered curiously at Remus. "It isn't full moon, is it?"

"No. I'm just tired. I'm glad you like James now."

"I wouldn't say I like him. Surprisingly impressed by him, perhaps."