Three O'clock in the Morning

Three O'clock in the Morning

In the real dark night of the soul, it is always three o'clock in the morning. - F. Scott Fitzgerald

Bad Judgment

I have noted that persons with bad judgment are most insistent that we do what they think best. - Lionel Abel

Sirius nervously tapped the side of his wine glass with his forefinger and exchanged a Look with Sasha over the crimson tablecloth. His sister-in- law's hazel eyes seemed sympathetic as she watched Sirius, but she was just as nervous as he was.

The ambiance of the restaurant was stunning. Sirius knew he did not have much to which to compare the restaurant, but he still thought it was beautiful. It had some sort of French name that Sirius could not remember and he therefore assumed that either it had not existed in his world or that it had been a Muggle eatery. Even though he had been great friends with Muggle-borns and so-called half-breeds, he had always felt uncomfortable in Muggle places. It was safer to remain in magical areas anyway.

Yet, even the soft, golden candlelight and the crimson and silver color scheme could not distract Sirius from the dreadful tableau that was his table. All the beauty of the restaurant could do was soften the suspicious tension of the Blacks. Sirius doubted that even magic could dispel these hostilities, not that he wanted to pull his wand from his coat pocket in the first place.

The evening, needless to say, had not gone as planned. Actually, Sirius thought, that would be the understatement of the year.

Sasha had planned the night so that she could see who Sirius really was. Sirius had thought to endure being with his family as long as he could without going mad; or, at least, madder than he already was. Regulus had come to dinner for the romance and camaraderie he so often found with his family. Lily spent the evening in the restaurant because that was the good, loving thing to do.

Now, Sasha and Sirius had become unwitting allies in an emotional minefield that would have made Salazar himself green with envy. Sasha only knew that Sirius was acting increasingly like Wolfgang had before Wolfgang had been committed. She knew that could not be a good thing. Her brother always said he acted the way he did because of a place called Azkaban. Sirius knew that Sasha knew something about his life and that she did not think he was having an illicit affair. That was enough, unfortunately, to make him trust her, if only for the night.

Apparently, Regulus had called Lily, to reaffirm their plans for the night, while Sirius walked Peter, Remus, and Severus to the train. As she was alone in the apartment, without fear of reproach from Sirius, Lily had confessed her suspicions to her husband's brother. By the time Sirius returned to the flat, the conversation had ended and Lily was in the bathroom fixing her make-up. But Sirius knew, as soon as he saw Regulus at the table, that Lily had told him.

Normally, Sirius would not have had a problem with Lily talking to his brother. In fact, at the moment, he was probably more stable than Sirius and therefore a better person upon whom to rely. But not in this case. In this case, he and Sasha knew that an affair was possibly the furthest thing from his mind. But Lily had convinced Regulus that he was having an affair. And Regulus was less than pleased with his brother. Regulus loved Lily like a sister and since he thought Sirius had broken her, hurting her even more than James had, Regulus seemed ready to rend Sirius emotional limb from emotional limb. Indeed, Severus had not been lying when he said the Black temper was infamous.

Outwardly, as was true in Sirius' world, everything seemed to be normal, close to perfect even, while those who belonged to the family knew that suspicion had replaced trust, and fear had taken the place of faith. Lily, with her scarlet coif and silk dress, looked just as stunning with Sirius as the dark-haired Sasha, glowing with the first stages of her pregnancy, did with Regulus. The restaurant workers knew the Blacks quite well and sat them at their favorite table, not noticing anything new between the two couples.

The mind games, the emotional battle, had begun before the couples had even ordered their dinners. Regulus had insisted that he sit next to Lily. Lily had looked at him questioningly, but sat down in the chair he pulled out for her. To the casual observer, Regulus was only being polite to his sister-in-law. But Sirius was no casual observer and caught the look Regulus gave him. He was quite well acquainted with the signature you-will- die-a-painful-and-gruesome-death-at-my-hands look all of the Black had patented by the age of eight. After all, he had been on the receiving end of that look all his life.

When Sasha saw the interchange, she had looked to Sirius, startled, her doe- like eyes questioning him. She quietly sat next to him, and subtly hinted that he should have the lobster bisque rather than the filet mingnon. Sirius gave her an odd look, before remembering that he was acting in a manner that reminded her of her lunatic brother. She probably did not want him to be near any particularly sharp cutlery. So, he quietly complied.

While they sipped their wine (and Sasha drank her sparkling water), Regulus began with the verbal barbs. Sirius had years of experience in deflecting such insults, but it hurt him to see that each time he evaded that question Lily looked more and more hurt. The only problem Sirius had was that he did not know the answers to the questions, did not know how to respond to the attacks. He was swept up in the windstorm of someone else's life, a stranger's choices.

By the time the pretty, young waitress brought him his bisque, Sirius was ready to scream. Lily was almost as angry as Regulus. Apparently when pushed to her breaking point, the red head resorted to fury rather than tears. Yes, Sirius thought with melancholy, she is indeed a second Genghis Khan. At least she does not have an army of the dead waiting at her beck and call. It would be a dark day in Hell, indeed, when Lily chose to use the power of necromancy against him. At the moment, he was sure that if she had magic, she would undoubtedly be hexing him six ways to Sunday.

Making Sirius feel like he was back in History of Magic with Binns, Sasha gave him a napkin saying, "It will all be ok." Sirius hoped the chestnut- haired woman was right, but he had learned long ago not to lean on hope. It had the depressing tendency to let him down at the last minute. In response to the childish note, he only glanced at Sasha and sighed.

And then he nearly spewed his bisque onto Lily at Regulus' next comment.

"I hear you've been spending a great deal of time with Severus Snape. Perhaps he's a bit more up your alley?"

Sirius was very nearly ready to respond in the positive and then give him the gory details of his relationship with Remus, but the pained look on Lily's face stopped him. And the thought that this Remus was not his Moony and such comments could isolate him from the few friends he had in this world.

"Just what do you think you are implying, brother?" Sirius asked, trying to infuse the question with enough anger and self-righteous outrage.

From the look in his brother's eyes, Sirius realized that the words he spoke had too much venom. Regulus' pale eyes glittered like ice chips on a January morning, but he inclined his head in apology. "I am implying nothing, merely suggesting you spend more time at home."

"He spends every waking hour either at home or at work, Regulus."

Every head turned to stare at Sasha. Normally Regulus' wife was not quite so outspoken and usually sided with her husband in family arguments, as Lily did with Sirius. Yet, the pale woman did not seem to regret her course of action.

"What?" Regulus finally managed to ask.

"You've told me every day this week that Sirius has been working overtime. Lily says that he returns home every night barely in time for supper. It would seem to me that Sirius would need more time outside of the family, than otherwise."

"Sasha!" Lily berated.

Her hazel eyes flicked from Regulus to Lily and back again. "Do you deny the truth in the fact that Sirius spends his time at your flat or at the funeral home?"

Both offended parties shook their heads. They knew where Sirius had been all week. That did not mean, though, that he could not be having an affair.

"Sasha," Sirius said quietly. "I think you should stay out of this. This is something between Lily and me. I understand that you and Regulus want to help, but this is a private disagreement."

Lily's eyebrows shot up and Sasha snorted.

"A private disagreement?" Regulus repeated. "A private disagreement?"

"Then a misunderstanding, if you will."

"You make it sound so small and trivial, brother."

"It is! You are both mistaken."

"They are both mistaken about what, Sirius?" Sasha asked. "What is going on between you three? You've been at each others' throats since we sat down."

"Sasha, really," Lily replied. "You're the one who told us about it."

Her hazel eyes widened. "Azkaban?"

"See," Lily pointed out to Regulus. "She knows."

"I know what?"

"That my dear brother is carrying on with someone."

"Oh, Jesus," the woman swore. "That's not what I meant."

"Then what did you mean?" Lily asked with narrow eyes.

Sasha thought frantically, trying to mix fact with fiction. She did not want Sirius to end up with the same fate as her brother, but if she told the truth that is exactly what would happen.

"I don't think that's anyone's business," Sirius responded briskly. "Now that we've clarified the fact that I'm not having an affair with anyone..."

"No, Sirius, I'll explain." Sasha ignored her brother-in-law's wild-eyed stare. "I merely called to ask if your husband knew anything about Azkaban. I visited Wolfgang last weekend and he was more lucid that usual. He said that Sirius would be able to explain Azkaban."

Regulus frowned. "Isn't that what he would go on and on about when we were younger?"

His wife nodded. "He said that Sirius could explain it, would understand. I didn't know what he meant, but I had to try, at least."

"Oh, Sasha," Lily murmured.

She bit her lower lip and played her last card. If she had made a mistake, well, she did not want to think of the damage she may have caused by such a mistake. "Sirius, do you know anything about Azkaban?"

He wanted to tell her that he had never heard of such a place. He wanted to play the game he and Severus had discussed over ice water and Muggle magazines. But he saw Sasha's eyes and remembered why he was a Gryffindor and not a Slytherin. When a woman's hope was resting in the balance, he would sacrifice himself rather than let her fall. "Yes, I know something about Azkaban. Perhaps more than even your brother does."

"Azkaban is real?" Regulus breathed. "I always thought it was just some creation of Wolfgang's."

Sirius shook his head. "It's real. It is quite real. But it is not appropriate dinnertime conversation."

Regulus looked disappointed, the fire of curiosity in his eyes dimming.

"Why wouldn't it be dinnertime conversation?" Lily snapped.

Sirius bit his lip. How could he say this properly? "Technically speaking, I would not consider it appropriate anytime conversation. As for dinnertime, it would undoubtedly make you desire to vomit, or, at the very least, not see food for several hours."

"Really, brother, you make it sound absolutely dreadful!"

Sirius gave Regulus a level stare.

Taking a deep breath, Sasha intervened. "Perhaps, Sirius, you could discuss Azkaban with me after dinner and we might be able to arrange seeing Wolfgang sometime soon. The doctors say he's been talking about you all week."

The wizard exhaled, hissing softly. If the Death Eater knew who he was - what he was, Sirius was in it deep. Very deep. He did not want to end up like Wolfgang Sullivan, locked in a private psychiatric hospital for the rest of his life. He glanced from Lily to Regulus. "I'd be happy to talk to you, Sasha, but it is a bit of a private thing, as I am sure Wolfgang told you."

Regulus frowned. "He used to blather on about it, saying that was the reason he went mad."

Suddenly Sirius did not feel like finishing his dinner. "That's an interesting way to put it."

"What?"

"I always thought the man was mad before Azkaban, but you can never tell with that sort, I suppose."

It may not have been the most Gryffindor thing to say, but the harsh comment did its duty. Lily looked scandalized. Sasha's face was a study in shock, as if her brother-in-law had just hit her across the face. Regulus was watching Sirius, measuring his brother. Sirius did not know to what standard he was being compared, but it unnerved him nonetheless.

"Would anyone like to order some dessert?" The curly haired waitress had returned, unknowingly breaking the tension that had settled over the table.

"No," Regulus replied, with a deft shake of his head. "We would not. If you would bring the check, please?"

The young woman bobbed her head and disappeared back into the crowded room, presumably to find the money the Blacks owed for dinner.

"Where shall we go for dessert, then?" Regulus asked Sasha and Sirius.

Sirius frowned. "What?"

"Well, if we need to discuss Azkaban, and you and Sasha seem to insist that we do, why can we not do it over some coffee and chocolate?"

"I think Sirius and I need to discuss it privately," Sasha told her husband, her lips pursed in thought. "Am I right, Sirius?"

He nodded. "I think that would be best. Azkaban is something of a private matter."

"Really, now?" Lily asked sharply.

"Yes," Sirius responded softly, looking at Lily, but remembering finding her body at Godric's Hollow. Memories haunted him at the oddest time.

"Siri," Regulus inquired hesitantly, "Are you feeling well?"

Sirius blinked, pushing the sight of Lily and James' glazed eyes to the back of his mind. "Of course. Why do you ask?"

"You seemed out of it for a minute there, brother."

Lily nodded in agreement. "You were sick last weekend, too. Do you think you're ill again?" The redhead's tone made it clear that she did not believe her husband had been truly sick the previous week and knew that something was hidden from her.

While Sirius worked to convince them that nothing was wrong, Sasha bit her lower lip worriedly. She remembered when Wolfgang looked at her like that. Sometimes he still did. It was as if she was not there, or that something else, someone else, was there with her, when she was alone. It was a glazed look, but a glaze that hinted at fear; as if Sirius and Wolfgang had seen things no mortal should see. She shook her head, berating herself for being melodramatic. She was simply worried because they never did find out what was wrong with her brother and she did not want sweet Sirius to be sentenced to the same fate.

Really, she thought, what is the worst that could have happened to them?

"Look, I really don't see what you have to tell my wife that you can't tell us!" Regulus retorted to Sirius, obviously in response to a comment Sasha had missed.

Sirius turned to Sasha, his icy blue eyes pleading with her silently, begging for help in the conversation. She was against reminded clearly of her brother's haunted eyes.

"Reggie," she began, knowing that only she could use her husband's childhood nickname. "It's just something between me and Wolfgang. Sirius knows something about it and he wants to help me. I don't see what could be wrong with that."

"And I don't see why he can't tell us," Lily replied.

"No," Sasha shook her head. "This is between the three of us... It's just that the doctors say he's getting worse. I want to do anything I can to help. Anything. And Sirius offered."

Regulus grumbled something under his breath.

"Don't look at her like that," Sirius admonished, shocking Sasha. "She just wants to help her brother. Would you help me if we were in that situation?"

Sasha thought there was more to that comment than met the eye. Did he share her worries?

"Of course, I would!"

"Then allow her a little privacy. If she wants to keep it quiet, if she doesn't know if it will work, then I think that's her choice." Sirius prayed that he was not making a mistake in defending Sasha, but he knew he had a better chance at convincing her alone than convincing her with Regulus and Lily.

Sasha nodded quickly in agreement, hoping that Sirius was not violently insane. At least he had taken her hints and not used a knife through the whole course of the meal.

The waitress returned with the check, which Sirius insisted on paying. He protested that Regulus had paid for their dinner on Monday; it was only fair that he pay for their weekend meal. He thanked Hecate and Tyr that he knew how to use a Muggle credit card, having paid attention when Regulus paid at the Italian restaurant. Merlin, he was lucky he was a quick learner.

Regulus rose, obviously still somewhat affronted that his brother and wife were withholding secrets.
"Well, I suppose I'll bring Lily home."

"Regulus, I'm sure I'll be fine on my own."

"Lily, I didn't mean it like that and you know it."

"Very well. I'll wait up for you, Sirius."

Sirius toyed with his wallet as he and Sasha waited for the waitress to return.

"Where do you want to go?" the hazel eyed woman asked abruptly.

"What?"

"Where to you want to go? To talk, I mean."

Sirius shrugged, not particularly wanting to have that conversation.

"It's a bit cold to go anywhere outside, I suppose. Do you want to go to a bakery or café?"

"I'll leave the choice in your capable hands."

"No. You choose where we go."

"Godammit," Sirius hissed. "You know as well as I do that I can't very well choose where we go. I don't even know what the options are, and don't you pretend you don't know that."

Sasha nodded sagely. "Just like Wolfgang."

"No," Sirius said fiercely. "Not just like Wolfgang. I am not like that bastard. We suffered the same fate, but beyond that. Never. Compare. Me. To. A. Traitor. Like. That."

Sasha blinked, slightly shocked.

"Sir? I have your receipt. If you would sign here please..."

The waitress showed Sirius what to do and within matter of moments, Sirius and Sasha were walking down the street looking for a quiet place to have dessert and a very important conversation.