Three O'clock in the Morning

Three O'clock in the Morning

In the real dark night of the soul it is always three o'clock in the morning. - F. Scott Fitzgerald

Loneliness

The worst loneliness is not to be comfortable with yourself. - Mark Twain

Snape leaned back in his chair and sighed.

Click. Clickety click. Click.

"What did I do?" Sirius yelped.

"You turned it off."

"I turned it off? How did I do that?"

"With the mouse."

"I know that," the 'you idiot' was merely implied at this point. "But how did I get the mouse to turn it off? And, have I mentioned that this thing doesn't look anything like a mouse?"

"Only forty times in the past hour," Snape replied, exasperated. He turned on the computer - again - and demonstrated to Sirius what he had just done. "Look, you clicked onto the menu, then you selected this, selected that, and clicked here. That's how you turned it off."

"Oh."

Sirius was obviously still puzzled by the computer, but he was no longer the ignorant heathen he had been that morning. When Severus had started showing him what to do with a computer, he was completely confused. Severus practically had a conniption when Sirius exclaimed, 'So that's what the funny-looking box does!" He quickly explained that high levels of magic interfere with electronic devices and, therefore, there was never a working computer in a magical household. Severus had given him an odd look and began to explain the basics of electronics and computers to him.

Severus buried his head in his hands as he watched Sirius eagerly play around on the computer, acting for all the world like an excited five-year- old with a new toy. Severus had never before seen someone so completely and utterly oblivious to the world of technology. At first he had not believed Sirius when he said he had never used an electronic device outside of the electric torch from Auror training and a radio James had given him as a gag gift one year. Then he sat Sirius in front of the computer and realized that the wizard had been telling the truth. He did not even know how to turn the contraption on! So began a long, slow afternoon of teaching Sirius to type and access various programs and the Internet. If Sirius had not been so excited to use the machine and eager to learn, Severus would have bashed his head against the wall in frustration. As it was, he was a hair away from doing it anyway.

At the kitchen table, Lily poured some more tea for Remus and Peter. They both accepted with small smiles and Remus took a biscuit from the offered plate.

"So, Lily, what do you think is going on?" Peter asked.

"For the last time, I don't think it's any of our business."

"Come on," Remus responded genially. "It's not every day Sirius goes off and does something crazy like this."

"Crazy?" Lily raised an auburn eyebrow.

"He invited Dr. Severus Snape to the flat, Lils. If that isn't crazy, I don't know what is. Do you remember how much we all used to pick on the greasy git at school? Sirius was always the worst. So why would he treat Snape like a friend? For that matter, why would Snape treat Sirius like a friend? By the rights, they should be at each others throats like the always are," Peter explained.

Remus nodded in agreement. "The last time Sirius had to come up to the school because of Harry, it nearly came to blows between them. They've been like oil and water since they met at school. Something fishy is going on."

Lily stared at the two men. "Really, the two of you!"

Peter dismissed Lily's protest out of hand. "We were talking about it last night and we couldn't come up with a real reason they'd spend time together. We thought maybe dinner was a fluke and we'd never see old Snivellus again - but here he shows up today and we don't see hide or hair of either of them!"

Remus smirked. "I wonder what they're doing in there."

"Remus Lupin!" Lily exclaimed softly. "That's my husband you're talking about!"

Remus shrugged, "I just know that if I were in his position-"

"Not here!" Lily hissed. "I know you two are friends and always will be, but saying that isn't the best idea."

"I don't see where he gets his high-and-mighty ideas," Peter snorted. "Regulus certainly doesn't act like that."

"Neither do Narcissa or Bellatrix," Lily conceded. "But do you remember how Andromeda got after she married that Tonks fellow?"

"And ran away to elope in America, only to return acting like a queen?" Peter finished sarcastically. "Yes, I remember her. Before she met that husband of hers, she was fine, though. Maybe a bit uppity, but still nice."

Remus only sipped his tea. "He's been acting odd the past few days."

"That's the hundredth time you've said that since Sirius went to work on the computer."

"I know. And I wonder what's so fascinating about a 'computer.' But it's odd."

"Don't start with the innuendos about my husband," Lily warned. "But I will admit that he's acting odd. He doesn't like people to come near him or to touch him."

Peter frowned. "Doesn't like people to come near him? That doesn't sound like Sirius!"

"Yeah," Remus agreed. "And I saw him hugging Harry when he was drunk and then again at school." Then he realized what Lily meant when she said Sirius did not want to be touched and had the good grace to blush.

Peter coughed politely and changed the topic of conversation. "So, Sirius came to church this morning."

Lily nodded, the blush slowly fading from her normally pale face. "I'm so happy. After that fight he had with Reverend Perkins, I thought he'd never come back."

"Didn't he say that you and Sirius shouldn't marry - not that I could disagree more - and then Sirius threw a chalice at his head?" Remus asked quietly.

"Bernard had no right to say that!" Lily cried, louder than the hushed tones they had been using, shocking the two men sitting with her.

"Lily, Lily," Peter whispered. "We aren't saying he did. We're just saying that, well, Sirius also vowed not to set foot in the church after his wedding."

Before the enraged Lily could reply to Peter, Sirius padded into the room. "Lily, you yelled. Is something wrong?"

Lily shook her head quietly and waited for his anger.

Sirius just sighed and poured himself some tea. As he sat at the table, his three friends seemed to be holding their collective breath. He looked from Remus' nondescript brown eyes, to Peter's watery ones, to the emerald orbs Harry and Lily shared. Obviously they were waiting for him to say something.

"So, who's this Bernard fellow and what did he say?"

Remus dropped his teacup. It broke on the floor and the tea spilled on the linoleum. The sudden crash seemed to launch everyone out of the shock into which Sirius's words had sent them. Lily and Peter bumped into each other in their hurry to clean the staining tea and avoid looking at Sirius. Remus just looked sadly at his friend.

"Sirius, are you feeling well?"

"Of course, I'm fine," Sirius replied, quite confused. He thought over all of the people he had met in his life - it seemed to be parallel to the life Sirius had led in this world - and, for the life of him, he could not remember meeting someone named Bernard. Was Bernard his boss? Wait, he owned his own business - with Regulus of all people! Was Bernard some relative of Lily's then?

At that point, Snape decided to make his glowering presence known. It was amazing, but the man could look intimidating in a yellow sweater vest and argyle socks - which comprised his outfit, along with another pair of black slacks. Sirius briefly wondered if Severus purposely dressed stupidly so he would not frighten his students. But that had nothing to do with the matter at hand - namely, who was Bernard? Sirius thought that maybe Lily was having an affair, but quickly realized that a, Lily would never do anything like that and b, if last night was any kind of indicator, Lily Evans Black was quite in love with Sirius Orion Black. Merlin help them all.

"What seems to be the matter?" Severus asked silkily.

"Nothing that involves you," Remus snarled.

Sirius visibly flinched. His lover never reacted like that - not when he was human.

Severus rested his hand briefly on Sirius' shoulder, wondering why the man had reacted like that. It was not as if Remus were acting oddly. "Well, I am in the apartment and I heard a yell and the breaking of glass. It is only suitable for me to be curious as to the cause of all this commotion."

Peter looked up at Severus, from his crouching position on the floor. "Sirius just shocked us with a question and Remus dropped his teacup."

"Oh? And what was this oh-so-shocking question?" Severus' query was a thinly veiled mockery and everyone in the room knew it. Lily busied herself throwing the broken shards of pottery into the garbage.

"I asked who Bernard was." Sirius was proud that his voice was confident and steady. It was still hard not to become overly emotional when he was around people.

Severus furrowed his brow. "Bernard Perkins?"

"Reverend Perkins?" Sirius exclaimed aloud. "He's Bernard?"

Everyone in the room nodded slowly, as if Sirius had just realized that Remus was also Remus Lupin.

"Sorry about scaring you like that," Sirius laughed, sounding like his old self. "I guess I just didn't think of Reverend Perkins as having a first name."

Remus, Peter, and Lily visibly relaxed. "I guess that's what happens when you always call the priest by his title," Peter mumbled.

"Yeah, I guess," Remus quietly agreed. Sirius still did not seem right.

He could not put his finger on it, but something about his best friend seemed off. Maybe it was the way he watched everyone in a room, as if preparing to be attacked, or the way he reacted when Remus insulted Snape, or maybe it was the way he seemed to almost be afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing at the wrong time. The Sirius he knew and loved - and sometimes feared - never showed fear. He never had. He never would. That was the way it was. And now the bastion of unchanging strength was faltering.

Lily smiled, somewhat coldly at Severus. "Perhaps it is time for you to leave, Dr. Snape. We have to get ready for dinner at my mother-in-law's and we don't want to be late." Sirius had not been acting oddly until he spent time with Dr. Snape; perhaps the good doctor was behind the problem.

Severus smiled and gave Lily a mocking bow before grabbing his jacket. "Of course, Mrs. Black. I wouldn't want to keep you. Sirius, if you have any trouble, feel free to call me. Good-bye." As he swiftly left the Black flat he wondered again about Sirius.

The mysterious wizard who had taken the domineering Sirius Black's place appeared to be only the shaking shadow of a man. Having been given but the briefest outline of an obviously hard life, Severus could make only broad assumptions about what was wrong. He had mentioned two wars, battles, prison, betrayal, and the death of close friends, enforced isolation, and separation from people even after escaping one Hell of a prison.

"What were you talking about, never thinking of Perkins as having a first name?"

Sirius thought quickly. He had always hated lying, but after living with his family as long as he had, and being a part of the Order, he had learned to lie well on his feet. He shrugged nonchalantly. "Well, after the blow-up we had before the wedding, I tried not to think of him - at all. So, now, when I do, it's not like he's really a person - more like a figurehead or something. He is his job. Calling him Bernard - that makes me think of-"

Before he could come up with a plausible end to that sentence, Lily enveloped him in a huge hug. And managed to pull on his shoulders which were aching from being hunched over the computer all afternoon.

"Ow! Lily, stop it!" he exclaimed, immediately turning red. He did not realize that he could not have said something better to make them think he really was fine.

Lily immediately dropped her arms and began to clean up the tea things. Remus sniggered behind one hand and Peter only shook his head. Their Sirius Black was back. They were relieved.

Sirius, on the other hand, was slightly panicked. They acted like that was normal! Then he thought of the events of the night he had arrived. How they reacted when he wanted to talk to Harry. How Harry had reacted - and still reacted - to him. How Lily had reacted when he did not respond to her the previous night. He closed his eyes briefly. He really, really did not like his alternate self. If perchance he had not possessed his alternate self's body when he passed through the Veil, Sirius decided he would like to beat Sirius Black. Hard. Because he remembered reacting like that to his family. And he remembered Harry reacting like that to human touch like that, too, sometimes, because of the Dursleys. And no one deserved that.

"Sear?" Peter asked hesitantly. "You ok?"

Sirius opened his eyes to see that both Remus and Peter had their coats on and were at the door, ready to leave. Remus was even wearing an absurd tartan cap; similar to the one he had jokingly worn to annoy McGonagall when they had been seventh years. "I'm fine. Just a little tired."

"Well, good-bye. We'll see you next weekend."

"Bye," Sirius replied weakly.

Lily smiled at him after their friends had left. "Come on, dear. We have to get ready."

"Ready?"

"Sunday dinner at your mother's, dear. I wasn't lying to Dr. Snape. Look, you just pick out something nice to wear and I'll get Harry."