The Freak

Setting: Little Whinging, a small town in Surrey, not terribly like any other town in Surrey, but most specifically at the juncture of Magnolia Crescent and Privet Drive

Cast: our Narrator, Dudley Dursley, a pudgy, spoiled six year old; Harry Potter, Dudley's cousin, also six, but certainly not spoiled; and Remus John Lupin, an estimable wizard and werewolf who is currently in the shape of a man

"You like my new bike? I got it brand-new for my birthday. My dad got it for me in London!

What was that? Yeah, it was my birthday. I got lots of other stuff, too. My aunt gave me this sissy blanket, but Mum and Dad told me I don't have to use it. I'm not going to give it to the Freak, though. He already has one blanket. I got a model airplane and a parrot and grandpa sent me a bunch of really big books, but I put them in my second bedroom. Why would I want to read a book?

What? The Freak? Why do want to hear about him?

The Freak's my cousin. See him over there? The one with the taped up glasses? That's him. Always nosing around where he shouldn't be, he is. I saw him eying my bike earlier, that's why I rode it all the way out here. The Freak isn't going to touch my bike. ...Stupid Scarhead...

The Freak's birthday? Why would I celebrate his birthday, sir? He's just a freak, just like his parents were... -I sorry, sir!

... I.... I, yes, sir. I won't insult people I don't know. But you don't know, Potter. He shouldn't even have a birthday, Mum says. She says that we give him a roof over his head and food on the table and he should be grateful for that. And dad agrees. Potter doesn't talk back to them anymore. Not after last time.

Poor? Hahaha. No, we are not poor! Dad works at Grunnings!

You know, the drill company. He's got a great big office, too! Last year he took me to visit his office over the summer holidays. He's got a great big picture of me and Mum on his desk. And he has a big window, too. Mum says that's very important.

No, no, Dad does not make drills... He is an... ad... He's a admin... He works with numbers a lot and gets to yell at people. He likes to yell people, says that is the best way to get work done. I think he's right, too, sir. When Dad yells at the Freak, the Freak works faster than you would think he could, being all skinny and stupid, you know.

I don't think so, sir. I mean, Dad says it works and I think it does, too. When the masters at school yell at us we work faster. We don't like to get yelled at I think. But the Freak doesn't work faster when the masters yell at us... I don't know... Did you know that the Freak is on punishment now?

Yeah, he turned Mrs. Lowry's hair all blue! ... No, I don't know how. But he did! And he's in so much trouble now! That's why he's out in the garden, you know. Mum won't let him in until all the flowers are perfect. I don't know how he does it... I hate working outside... Unless it's my bike, of course. But the bike is different, you know?

Oh, that's my mum calling me. I have to go to tea.

Sir? Sir?

Where did you go?"